Yesterday I took the plunge and scheduled my first appointments with a new ob/gyn. Then last night I had 3 separate dreams that amounted to the same thing. I dreamt that on Monday I am going to get nothing but bad news at my ultrasound. We won't see a weeks worth of growth in the fetus and the heartbeat will be even slower than it was the last time, if it's there at all.
Then this morning, when I took my prenatal vitamin, it was the first morning in WEEKS that I was able to take it without having to gag it down. It went down smooth as can be, just like before I got pregnant. Is that a sign?
I feel like all my posts are doom and gloom with my worries and fears. In actuality, I am a pretty positive person. While I state my fears here in my blog, I feel like I do a pretty good job of staying neutral overall. I feel like I've been staying neutral as a way to guard myself from bad news so it won't be such a shocker when I get it. Sure, I'll be greatly disappointed, but I haven't felt like it would be the end of my world.
However, this morning is different. It feels pretty awful to wake up after having those bad dreams. Now I have to spend the weekend with that in the back of my mind, while I wait for Monday to get here. I was feeling pretty good about things and starting to feel confident that Monday would be a great day and we would see a stronger heartbeat. Now I just don't know.
How can I be confident when there is nothing really that makes me feel pregnant? I haven't had the slightest bit of morning sickness. My boobs aren't growing. My string cheese aversion is gone. I didn't gag on my prenatal vitamin this morning.
I keep telling myself that I just need to have faith. That I need to just leave everything up to God. I am finding this to be next to impossible though. I can't stop myself from worrying. And then I worry about that - that God will think my faith is not strong enough.
I hate being in this place, but yet I am SO grateful that I am. I am so grateful that I AM pregnant and have that to worry about. Now I just have to wait for Monday to know if I am STILL growing a little human being inside of me....
What an awful night I had and what an awful feeling to wake up to this morning.
You are stuck in limbo right now. I know you probably hear this alot and symptoms are reassuring, but don't mean anything. So many woman have symptoms that come and go. I hope this weekend goes by quickly so you can get in and see baby.
ReplyDeleteThinking positive thoughts for you!
ReplyDeleteBad dress are horrible. Many hugs.
ReplyDeleteUgh. Auto correct! Dreams! Bad dreams are horrible!
DeleteBad dresses are horrible too. :-) (I really tried to resist.)
DeleteHang on, it's not that long until Monday. Try to keep yourself busy and distracted if you can. You're probably just one of those really lucky ladies who doesn't have nausea or other symptoms, I have a couple of friends who were like that and didn't "feel" pregnant until they started to show. I'll be thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI think the bad dreams have made you needless worry. Bad dreams do that to me all the time and it really sucks.
ReplyDeleteOn the good side, I don't think the non-symptoms (especially what you listed) are anything to worry about. At all. Sometimes your body has an initial reaction and then it gets used to it.
I wish I could have given you a hug! I hope you got lots of hugs and love during this time! I want and almost need to hug you now!! Auntie
ReplyDeleteI have found that virtual hugs are nice too, however nothing like the real thing :)
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