Thursday, June 27, 2013

Ultrasound #3

Yesterday was my third ultrasound.  We still have two babies with two heartbeats!  Whew!!!!!

I must admit, I'm a little confused as to which one is Twin A and which one is Twin B, because the doctors seem to have switched them around.  I guess it doesn't really matter.  One of them is measuring 7w, 6d with a heartbeat of 171.  The other baby measured at 7w, 1d with a heartbeat of 155.  Dr. A said both looked great!  Of course, I can't help but worry that the one seems a bit behind.  I know the hb is in a normal range, but why is it measuring so much smaller?  Sigh. 

On Monday, I had my intake appointment at my new OB.  I didn't actually meet the OB, but with a nurse.  This was pretty much to just go over medical history.  It's difficult to explain the pregnancy and how far along I am because it's an FET.  On the questionnaire, it asks for the date of your last menstrual cycle.  This is how they figure out how far along you normal circumstances.  I wrote April 29th, but had to explain that wasn't the date we would be using.  I also gave them the date May 24th, which was our FET date.  The nurse had me all screwed up on how far along I am, and I know I came across as completely scatterbrained.  I felt completely ridiculous because it just wasn't adding up!  What I didn't remember until driving home later (of course), was that on the date of transfer, the babes were already 6 day old blastocysts.  Gah!  Now she probably thinks I'm some big airhead, but oh well.

Let's not forget that she started off the appointment by saying "I see that you are due on August 23rd."  Ummm, noooooooooo.....  She had the paperwork that had been sent to them from my clinic for my previous pregnancy.  I informed her that I hadn't made it to my intake appointment with that pregnancy before I had my miscarriage.  She said "I wondered why you were just now getting around to coming to see us."

Overall, the appointment actually went pretty good and she was nice.  It was just very awkward working all the details out about the FET.  My current file hadn't been sent to them from my RE yet, because I hadn't officially graduated.

As of yesterday though, I am done at my clinic.  It's kind of sad really, not to have another appointment with them.  They gave me a gift bag as a congratulations before sending me on my way.  It included a nice big pregnancy book with a week by week guide from conception to birth, and TWO silver baby spoons, one for each baby.  I thought that was really nice.

While I am SO extremely excited that everything looked good for both babies yesterday, I cannot help but still be apprehensive.  I was really looking forward to reaching the second trimester and hopefully being able to relax a little at that time.  But then today, I have a fellow friend from a support group that is also pregnant with twins that got bad news.  She was very excited for her OB appointment today because she was going to find out the gender of her babies.  What she found out was that they are boy/girl, but that the girl has some serious complications and is not developing as she should.  The doctor told her that they would most likely lose the girl within the next couple weeks.  The boy is growing perfectly.  My heart is broken for her.  This just goes to show that we can never truly know how things will turn out until we actually have those babies in our arms.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Two Heartbeats!

That's right.  You read it correctly.  We have two babies and two heartbeats.  Woo Hoo!!!  I am so happy and relieved that we have at least made it this far.  Doesn't stop the worry, but at least I know that both babies are okay to this point at least.

Today I am 6 weeks, 4 days pregnant.

Baby A, which didn't show a heartbeat on Saturday, measured at 6w, 1d and had a heartbeat of 117.

Baby B had a heartbeat of 108 Saturday, and today measures at 6w, 5d with a heartbeat of 136.

Dr. P said that both are measuring within normal range.  Of course I questioned if it was okay that Baby A was behind the other.  Even though I know from reading other blogs that this can be normal, I still had to ask.  He assured me that everything looks just fine.  Thank you Lord.

I go back next week to be sure that they are growing appropriately.  Please oh please oh please let them both grow the way they should!

I asked about the spotting, which is still occurring off and on.  Yesterday it was still brownish, but was stringy and smelled.  TMI, I know, but by writing it down, maybe it can offer some assurance to someone else someday.  Dr. P said he couldn't tell where the spotting was coming from, but that it is the most common question he gets.  It is definitely normal. 

I asked about my activity level.  I've been trying to limit my time on my feet since the spotting started, which is nearly impossible with my job and softball.  He said that I am okay to continue exercising as long as I am comfortable.  Walking and being on my feet is more than okay.  I asked about lifting.  Again, as long as I am not overly straining and feel comfortable, that is okay too.

I haven't been lifting weights for exercise at all since the transfer simply out of fear.  Even though I am a personal trainer and know that it is perfectly acceptable to lift during pregnancy, it is hard not to be fearful when you are at the end of the line in ttc.  However, with my job, sometimes I need to help someone load their squat rack or pick up a weight.  I've just been trying to avoid having anyone do any exercises that would require any lifting on my part!  Ha!  Or I've made them do it themselves while I acted busy doing something else.  I've been given the okay to continue as normal, within reason.  I am so thankful for not having to worry about that anymore.

Hubby was able to be at the appointment today.  I am so happy he got to hear both heartbeats so all this can be more of a reality for him.  He was fully expecting only one.  I think he's been doing a pretty incredible job of keeping blinders on in order to avoid the hurt if something were to go wrong.  I don't blame him.  We were really excited last time and it tore our hearts out when we lost Bob.   He now at least believes I am pregnant and knows we have twins.

We are still not planning to tell anyone until we reach the second trimester.  At least we are hoping that will be the case.  Question for any of you twin mommies out there: how early did you start showing?  With twins, I am afraid I won't be able to hide it that long.  My work uniform consists of a dry fit t-shirt, and my softball coaching shirt is also a dry fit shirt.  It's kinda hard to hide anything wearing dry fit clothes, which is basically what I live in!

Monday, June 17, 2013

Good News, and Maybe Bad News

First, a review.   Friday I had some spotting, so I called the clinic to ask what I should do.  It wasn't fresh blood, but I was concerned none the less.  They had me go in on Saturday morning to check things out with an early ultrasound.  Because I was only 6 weeks on Saturday, they weren't sure we would actually see a heartbeat since it's usually not detectable until about 6 1/2 weeks.

The Good News:

We do have a baby and we were actually able to see AND hear the heartbeat!  It made me teary in my relief, hearing that heartbeat.  It was 108, which Dr. A said was normal at this stage.  They want it to be over 100.

The Maybe Bad News:

We also have a baby that we were NOT able to detect a heartbeat on.  That's right.  TWINS!  I have two babies in there.  However, we are not sure if Baby A will make it.  It might just have been too early to see the heartbeat, but since we could pick it up on Baby B, it's also highly likely that Baby A miscarried and won't make it to that stage at all.  Dr. A did assure me that this should not harm the baby with the heartbeat.  I have read that with multiples, sometimes one of the fetuses can dissolve in early pregnancy.

So, it was a mixed bag of emotions.  Hubby and I have always wanted twins, but at this stage in the game, I must admit that the thought of a twin pregnancy is both exciting and terrifying all at the same time.  The idea of having two babies doesn't scare me.  In fact, I relish the idea.  We would really like to have more than one child, and getting it done all at once seems like a grand idea, especially since this is our last go at it.

However, the increased pregnancy risk with twins is very scary.  As much as we would love to have two, we really, really, really, really want to have at least ONE child.  We would be extremely happy to live the rest of our lives with an only child, if that is our only option.  We would like two, but the high risk factor is a scary prospect.  What if we don't make it through the pregnancy with either one of them as a take home baby?

But then again, since I am already pregnant with twins, I don't want one of them to already be gone.  Sigh....I really don't know what to think.

Dr. A did say it was okay for me to continue normally.  I asked about going to our softball tournament over the weekend. The first thing she asked was "are you playing?"  No!  I told her that I would be watching.  I did tell her I would be walking around quite a bit though, as it's a little walk to get to the ball fields.  She said that was more than okay.

The one thing I do know is that I am definitely pregnant.  I have not been feeling too great.  It is the worst when I get hungry.  That's when I feel the most nauseous.  I haven't puked yet, but I have been feeling rather sick.  I don't have any aversions at this point, other than food itself.  Haha!  No really.  I can eat whatever, but nothing is really appealing to me or tasting that great.  I can't seem to finish a meal, which has never been a problem for me.  Except for chips and salsa.  I was able to eat too many chips the other day!

If I am hungry, Lord help me if I drink any water.  That makes me feel the worst.  The only thing I drink is water, so this is becoming a challenge.  I'm just learning not to drink if I have an empty stomach.

I also have to force myself to gag down my prenatal vitamin.  That happened last time I was pregnant too.

The one thing I don't have is sore boobs.  Everyone talks about how much their boobs hurt in early pregnancy but I have yet to experience this.  They also don't seem to be getting any bigger yet, which I am thankful for, but I am sure that will probably change.

I am still spotting a little off and on.  Still brownish color.  Dr. A said this could be due to possibly miscarrying Baby A even though it's not fresh blood, but it's hard to tell at this point.

Our next ultrasound is Wednesday.  Only two more days!  I'm really excited because Hubby will be with me for this one.  My fingers are crossed and we are saying lots of prayers for two heartbeats.  Most importantly, we want to see at least the one, to know we have at least one baby continuing to grow strong.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Don't Panic

I will be leaving shortly for my ultrasound.  I really, really, really, super hope that everything is just fine and the spotting isn't a big deal.  Just normal spotting that can sometimes happen in pregnancy.  We will soon find out.

If all goes well, I will be continuing my weekend plans as originally scheduled.  This means I won't be home at all to update you on how the appointment goes.  So don't panic!  No news will be good news!  I haven't yet ventured to posting from my phone and I wouldn't have time to anyway.

This weekend is another College Exposure Tournament for our softball team, but it is much closer to home.  We won't be traveling out of state, but we do plan to stay over at a friends house since it is still over an hour drive from where we live.  However, if the Dr. recommends me to stay home this weekend, I will.  Hubby will still coach the team as we have no choice in that, but he will come home after the games today so he can give me my PIO shot.  It would just suck for him because he will have to turn around and drive back early tomorrow morning.

I do want to clarify that I am not over taxing myself on the softball field.  My role for this team is very backseat.  My job during these tournaments is to talk to the college coaches.  NCAA recruiting rules prevent any interaction between the college coaches and players/parents.  These coaches are not allowed to talk to the players or their parents until July 1st, the summer before their Senior year in high school.  That means I act as the go between until then.  Most DI athletes have already made a verbal commitment to a college by their Junior/Senior year.  It seems insane to ask a 15 year old to make such a big decision, but unfortunately that is how the recruiting game is done.  If the athlete wants to go to a small college, then it's not as big of a deal.  However, if they are a big time athlete playing at the top level, those colleges already have their recruiting classes picked out and scholarships promised for the classes of 2014 and 2015.

Anyway, my job is to sit in the stands and watch the games.  If a coach happens to come by to scout our our players, I talk to them.  No big deal and a lot of fun.  No need to worry that I am overdoing it. 

Thank you SO MUCH to everyone for your prayers and well wishes.  I appreciate it more than words can say.

Friday, June 14, 2013

My Week in Review

First of all, I've been a bad blogger.  I am having a difficult time finding the time to sit down and write anything meaningful.  I have been desperately trying to catch up on my blog reading, but I am still over a week behind!  Before softball season, I was constantly hitting refresh on my blog reader, just waiting to see if any of my friends had posted each day.  Now I just can't keep up, but I am committed to reading all of your posts and eventually I WILL catch up.

We have not told anyone about our pregnancy yet.  We are perfectly content in waiting until the second trimester.  Actually, I wouldn't mind telling a few people, but Hubby absolutely doesn't want to.  He's still in denial that I am even pregnant.  Although he did tell me the other day that my pregnancy brain is "cute,"  which I thought was cute.  haha!  He wants me to watch an episode of How I Met Your Mother that addresses the pregnancy brain issue!

This last week I have been absolutely exhausted, which I know is a pregnancy symptom, but it also could just be a result of lack of sleep.  We spent this last weekend in Southern California for a major College Exposure softball tournament.  My job for each of the games was to talk to all the college coaches that were there at our games.  It was so incredible the big name college coaches that were there!  It is a lot of fun to coach such a high caliber team of athletes that are being recruited.  As a result of the weekend, we were invited to U of O's team camp in a few weeks.  The Head Coach watched us play and I talked with him a bit.  On Monday, we got an email invitation to attend their camp.  They only invite about 2-3 teams a year to this particular camp, so it's pretty exciting, especially since they are one of the top programs in the Nation.

We finished playing on Sunday at 11:30am.  Our flight didn't depart until 8:45 that night, so we decided to take our van of girls to Hollywood.  We had 4 players traveling with us because their parents weren't able to attend the tournament.  Our goal was to see the Hollywood sign and the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  We only stayed for about an hour and a half though, because we weren't sure how long it would take us to get out of LA and back to Ontario to catch our flight.  The girls were satisfied with our brief sight seeing and very happy that they didn't have to sit in the airport all day.  They wanted to go to Disneyland or Universal Studios, but settled for Hollywood since we were short on time.

Hollywood Sign

I cannot BELIEVE how many stars there are!  We saw so many!
Between the softball games, traveling, sight seeing, and then back to work on Monday, I have been exhausted.  And oh yeah, let's not forget the whole pregnancy thing.  There have been plenty of times I have thought I didn't feel very well, but no real nausea.  My boobs are not sore.  I can still eat anything I want without any aversions.  It definitely is hard to believe I'm pregnant when I don't feel much different than normal.  I didn't really have many symptoms last time either, so I guess that is just normal for me.

As if I didn't worry about this pregnancy enough already, I started spotting about an hour ago.  I peed, wiped, and tossed the tp.  But as I dropped the toilet paper, I happened to notice there was some color on it.  I questioned what I saw, so wiped again.  Just a tiny little bit of color, but not much.  I left it at that, but my mind was going a mile a minute.  I couldn't be spotting, could I?  I drank some water so I'd have to pee again and about 15 minutes later, tested it out.  This time there was quite a bit of reddish/brown.  Okay, I know it's not fresh blood, and I know that spotting can be normal.  However, that does NOT stop me from freaking out.

I immediately called and left a message at my clinic for a nurse to call me back.  It was 3:55pm on a Friday night.  I was afraid of waiting and then not being able to call all weekend.  The nurse called me back and asked if I had any cramping.  I had some minor cramping yesterday, but it didn't last long.  After this spotting incident, I did notice some vaginal discomfort, but it isn't really that painful.  It's just scary not knowing what it is.  The nurse told me she would call me back in a few minutes after she talked it over with Dr. Wu.

When she called back, she said they had also consulted with Dr. Amato and neither doctor was too alarmed as it is not fresh blood, but they do want me to come in tomorrow morning for an ultrasound.  They want to provide me with some reassurance that all is well and to see if they can find the source of the spotting.  They also want me to take it easy for the rest of the evening.  Not bed rest exactly, but to stay off my feet if possible and no exercise.  Hubby and I were planning to have a movie date tonight, but I had already made the decision to stay home, so this was no problem.

I am so glad they are being proactive and bringing me in on a Saturday, although I am really disappointed Hubby won't be able to go to the appointment with me (it's another softball weekend of course).  I was looking forward to having him there with me when we find out if there is one or two babies.  I also would much rather have him with me if I get bad news, but I guess I've been down that road before so I know I can handle it.  The nurse did caution me that it will probably be too early to detect the heartbeat.  I will be 6 weeks tomorrow, but the heartbeat usually doesn't pick up until about 6 1/2 weeks.  Our first ultrasound was originally scheduled for Wednesday.  I hope that after tomorrow we still have need for that appointment.  Ugh.  This is scary stuff.

In other news, our local paper selects an All Polk County Softball team, basically the all stars for our area, and three of my players were selected and I was named Polk County Coach of the Year!  It doesn't really mean anything, but it is nice to get the recognition and I am so happy for my players.

I also was selected by a few blogger friends for the Super Sweet Blogger Award, which is super sweet of them!  This happened last week, but I have not had time to post about this yet, although I am really looking forward to it and to passing the award on to others.

Thank you for hanging in there with me, even though I am not posting very often.  I appreciate the well wishes from all of you more than words can say and I am so thankful for your friendship.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Second Beta

My blood draw was at 7:30am this morning, same time as Monday.  I got in and out of there within 5 minutes - other than my hour + drive there and back!  On Monday, Dr. Wu called me around 11:00am, same as she did last time to tell me I was pregnant.  However, for beta #2 last time, I did not get my second beta phone call until almost 4:00pm!  Because of that, I wasn't expecting an early phone call this time either.

Oh.  My.  Garsh.  The waiting was torturous.  I sincerely felt so sick to my stomach all day waiting for that phone call.  I had back to back clients at work, so I couldn't be near my phone, but I checked it between every single appointment.  I finally got off work today at 2:00.  I clocked out and went to my car.  I decided to call the clinic before I pulled out of the parking lot.  The results didn't show up in my chart, so the guy who answered said he'd have a nurse call me back.

I pulled out of the parking lot, and within 5 minutes the nurse called.  I pulled over to the side of the road.  I didn't think it would be a very good idea to be driving, whether it was good news or bad news.

Phew!  992.  The number more than doubled from the 416 on Monday.  The nurse said they would have been happy with a number around 800, but I surpassed that!  Yay!  Another hurdle jumped.

Our first ultrasound is scheduled for two weeks from today, Wednesday, June 19th.

I am so, so, incredibly happy to get such good news today.  However, it still doesn't alleviate the worry.  Because I miscarried last time at 9 weeks 5 days, I don't think we will start to relax until the second trimester gets here.  Hubby says he won't even let himself believe I'm pregnant until then.  I'm hoping that once we hear the heartbeat, he will at least BELIEVE I'm pregnant.  Otherwise, I guess he can just go on pretending I'm not.

Hopefully, he won't be proven right.

Monday, June 3, 2013

The Results Are In

I've known since last Tuesday, almost a full week, that I am pregnant.  I absolutely could not keep from peeing on a stick (poas).  So at 4dp6dt (4 days post 6 day transfer), I went to Target right after work and bought 6 hpt's.  I HAD to buy two packages of 3 because I got a $5 gift card back!  I came home, and poas.  The result showed a faint, but clearly visible second line.

I've read from so many people that it is best to poas first thing in the morning so that your urine is undiluted.  I tested this out the very next morning because I was curious if it would make a difference.  I wanted to see if the line would be darker.  To my disappointment, it wasn't.  It has not ever made one bit of difference if I poas first thing in the morning, early afternoon, or late evening.  It also hasn't made a lick of difference if I drank a lot of water or not, another thing I've read on other blogs.  I personally do not ever see a difference.  A positive has always been a positive.  This was on Wednesday.

I was going to wait until Friday to test again.  (I don't want to become an addict!)  But at the encouragement of a few friends (it didn't take much), I tested again on Thursday.  Low and behold, the line was darker!

I tested one more time on Saturday morning (not because I'm an addict, haha! but because I did want to see the progression), and the second line was definitely darker, and just as dark as the base line.  Woo Hoo!!!

I showed Hubby each of these tests, but he has stayed very neutral and not very excited.  I know he is just trying to not get invested emotionally at this point because of our past experiences.  Our first go-round with IVF, we had a chemical pregnancy.  Our last cycle, we had a miscarriage at 9 weeks, 5 days.  He said he's just having trouble believing it.  I asked him when he would start believing it.  His response was "when this kid turns 18!"

Today, at 10dp6dt, my beta HCG is 416, which confirms my positive pregnancy!  When I got pregnant last time, my first beta came back 636 at 14dp3dt.  There's a one day difference between the two, so I'm not putting a lot of thought into the 416 number other than knowing I'm pregnant!

Now the real fear begins.  I go back on Wednesday morning for my second beta blood draw.  I knew what the result would be today.  I had absolutely no doubt I would get a good number based on my pee sticks.  However, on my drive to the clinic this morning I felt such an incredible sense of dread.  Not for my results today, but for what will come next.  I am so afraid of the numbers not progressing as they should.  Or if they do, I'm afraid that there won't be a heart beat and proper growth at the first ultrasound.  And then after that, I will fear the next ultrasound.  And after that......

The fear goes on.  I was so excited and in such a good place emotionally about all this before today.  Now, I just have such a heavy sense of doom lurking over me.  I know that is terrible!  I just told Hubby the other night when he was so passive about all this, that regardless of the outcome, I just want to enjoy it while we can!  If we don't make it to a take home baby at the end of all this, I don't want to miss out on the time we DO have to be pregnant.

Now, I wish I could follow my own advice...