Prom Talk

I've been trying to think about what I want to say in this post about my Prom Talk.  I've been having a hard time figuring out how to do it justice and make it interesting for everyone here.  To be honest, I've had a hard time knowing what to blog about lately in general.  My life feels pretty boring to me.  Right now I am going to work, then going to softball practice or a game, come home, get ready for work the next day, give myself a Lupron injection, go to bed way too late, and repeat the next day.  In between all that, I am trying to catch up on everyone else's blogs, in which I am WAY behind.  Ahhh!  I'm not really feeling overwhelmed.  I'm in a good place.  I just have very little time in my day.

Anyway, the Prom Talk.  For those of you that may not know, I coach softball.  Prom falls during the middle of our season, so every year I talk to the girls about making good choices and not getting into trouble.  I am well known in our small community for the "Prom Talk."  I remind them about the drug and alcohol policies for student athletes and what they need to do if they find themselves in a compromising situation.  I talk to them about driving safely, and we talk about sex.

Prom is an exciting night and something that the girls look forward to.  For weeks, I hear about who's asked who to the dance, and HOW they were asked.  Boys don't simply ask girls to go to Prom anymore.  It is a major production now, kind of like you would envision for an elaborate marriage proposal.  It's sweet and a little ridiculous all at the same time.  They talk about their prom dresses, how they are going to do their hair, and they get awful spray tans.

But while Prom is so exciting for these girls, it is scary for me.  Our season could be over in the blink of an eye if a group of my players get caught at a party.  Worse than that, I would be devastated if one of them were to get killed in a car accident.  Or if one of them ended up pregnant.

It is not uncommon to read in the paper or see on the news about a kid that was killed in a car accident the night of their prom.  It has happened many times over the years.  It's not always due to drinking and driving.  Sometimes it's simply because they are driving with a group of friends and are distracted.

It's not uncommon for a girl to have a baby approximately 9 months after prom.  My best friend from high school was one of those girls.  She was a freshman and went with her senior boyfriend to prom.  She had sex one time, and it resulted in her having a baby at 15.  The high school I coach at has the highest rate of pregnancy in the state of Oregon.

Each year my Prom Talk is different.  Sometimes it's just a general talk that covers all topics.  A few years ago, I didn't even have to give the talk.  The girls did it for me because they had heard it so many times!  That was a great year, listening to their perspective.  Last year my focus was on drugs.  I gave my personal testament about growing up with drugs and alcohol in my family.

This year the focus of the Prom Talk was about sex.  I told them that I knew it can be an embarrassing topic, but one that is important to talk about.  I told them I knew some of them have already been sexually active (of course I didn't say who).  I know that a lot of times it is easy to look at adults, especially their parents, and think that they "just don't understand" or that "things have changed since you were in school."  I shared with them that I've had sex with two guys in my life, and that in my opinion it was one too many.  I also shared with them that I have a 79 year old client that I can talk about anything with, and that this older gal had sex when she was in high school too.  Those types of pressures haven't changed, they have simply become more acceptable.  We HAVE been in their shoes and we DO understand how hard it is. 

I shared that in high school, I had sex with a boy I had gone out with for a year and a half.  I thought he was "the one."  I was convinced I was going to marry him.  When you're in high school, it's easy to convince yourself you are going to be together forever, but the truth is that doesn't always happen.  In some circumstances it does, but it is not typical.  A lot of head shaking and nods from the girls.

One of my assistant coaches shared her high school experience.  She started dating her soon to be husband when she was in the 8th grade and they have been together for 9 years, both graduating college this year.  He is a year older than her and was a tough guy on the football team in high school.  They both got a lot of pressure from their peers in high school to have sex, but she had made the decision to not have sex while still in high school.  If the community viewed her as a kid still, then she wasn't going to have sex, because kids shouldn't be having sex.  Through 4 years of high school, she had to fight the battle of giving in.  She almost caved the night of prom.  She almost gave in when her boyfriend was gone to his first year of college.  But she didn't.  She also explained to the girls that this was HER goal, it wasn't her boyfriend's goal, which did make it harder.

This coach also shared a story about one of her good friends that had made the decision to wait until she was married to have sex.  It was really important to this friend to be intimate with one man in her lifetime.  This friend got engaged and was planning her wedding.  Just a few months before their wedding, they did end up having sex.  Then, the guy left her and the friend was devastated.

We both stressed that if the guy truly is the one, he should respect them enough to wait until they are ready.  I told the girls that having sex is the most intimate thing you can do with a person.  Don't put yourself in a position that you will someday look back on with regrets, because at some point in time, you will have to share your history with your future husband.  Be okay will what you have to tell him.

I decided early on in the season that I would share with my team about my infertility and everything that we have been through to that point.  Last year during softball season was my first IVF.  Some of the players were on the team last year, and could now put the pieces together.  Such as the day of retrieval.  All they knew was that Hubby ran practice that day because I had a minor surgery for some female issues.  I shared with them about all the injections.  I even took the needles so they could visually see what it was I was telling them.  There were a few gasps when they saw the PIO needle.  The girls could remember the phone calls I received during practice that I had to take.  They could remember the day I got the phone call letting me know about my chemical pregnancy.  All I had told them last year was that I had gotten very bad news.

I told the girls about my pregnancy at the start of the year, and that I almost wasn't going to coach them this season because I would have been pregnant and didn't want to take any chances by being out on the softball field and putting the pregnancy at risk.  I told them about my miscarriage.  On the day I found out we had lost the baby, we had open hitting and I had to meet a few of their dad's who were helping me on the softball field.  I told them how I had sobbed leaving the appointment, but then pulled myself together so I could open the batting cages for them and meet their parents for the field work.  As much as I love being their coach, I do wish I still had a very good reason for not being out there this year.

I don't think this group of girls have ever been so quiet.  All 24 girls listened very intently, and a number of them were very teary.  I told them that I shared my story with them not only because I want them to learn from it, but because I consider them family and several of them had been indirectly affected by it last year as I went through it during softball season.

I tied in the whole sex talk with my IF talk by telling them I don't know what I would have done if I had gotten pregnant in high school.  I don't really believe in abortions, but I can't say for certain that I wouldn't have had one if I had gotten pregnant in high school.  I didn't really have the home life that would have supported me having a baby so young.  I don't know what I would have done.  But I am very grateful now, especially knowing we can't have kids, that I don't have something like that to regret because it would be very devastating.  I reminded them that they needed to think about the choices they make, because they have to be ready for the potential outcomes/consequences of their actions. 

Of course I finished by wishing them a wonderful Prom night!  Have fun, make good choices, and I would see them at our next practice.  The only thing I wish I had also remembered to touch on was STD's, as obviously that can be another consequence to being sexually active.

I had one mom tell me about her conversation with her daughter following our talk.  Her daughter is one that still hasn't had sex.  She asked her daughter if the Talk helped her to think twice about having sex.  The answer was a definite yes.  Phew!  Ultimately, if I can inspire even just a few of these girls to wait until after high school, I will consider that a success.

Peeing like a Smurf

I am currently doing Lupron injections and taking Estrace to build my lining for a nice plush bed for those embabies to settle in to.  My lining check is this Friday.  If all goes well, the transfer will be next Friday.

My first go round of taking the Estrace tablets didn't quite get the lining exactly where Dr. W wanted to see it, so at the lining check she directed me to take one tablet vaginally, in addition to what I had already been taking orally.  I originally wrote about that in my You Want Me to Stick It Where post back in November.

Knowing that I needed a little extra last time, we planned from the beginning that I would take 5 doses of Estrace this time around - 3 orally and 2 vaginally.  So, I get the pleasure of not only taking my morning dose of the little blue pill, I also get the pleasure (not!) of sticking one up my hoo-ha.  Then I take my afternoon dose orally.  Then in the evening, I get to take another one orally AND vaginally again!

As a result, my underwear are getting nice blue stains and I am peeing like a smurf.  Okay, the pee itself is not blue, but boy am I getting some pretty tp when I wipe.  My vay-jay is also not feeling too happy

Too much info?  Oh well.  Just sharing the joys of this whole process with you!

10k Accomplished!

Today was the big Cinco de Mayo 10k race I signed up for.  All my training runs leading up to today were 2.5 miles, so I was a little nervous about running 6.2 miles.  Based on past experiences, I knew I could do it.  I was just worried about how miserable I was going to be.  My husband even asked me last night, "are you even going to be able to run that far?"  I informed him that yes, I have been running at least once or twice a week for the past 7 weeks (not that once or twice a week is a lot, by any stretch of the imagination).  I'm just usually doing those runs while he is at work, so he had no idea!

Because of my lack of training, I went in to this race planning on doing my run/walk intervals.  I'm no dummy.  I'm not going to over do it and end up with an injury.  So my plan for the race was to run jog for 3 minutes and walk for 1 minute.  I actually was able to maintain the 3 and 1 for the whole race!  Even with the walking, my overall race pace was 10:03, which I was really happy with.  I started off super slow, and about the 3 mile mark I thought I was going to die.  For whatever reason though, when I got to about 4.5 miles, I was able to kick it into gear and pick up my pace to finish strong.  I even hit a 7:25 run pace at one point!

I did this race with a really good friend of mine.  We've done a few other races together and used to be racquetball partners, playing doubles in the ORA tournament circuit.  We both had a lot of fun and decided we needed to do things like this more often!  Neither one of us are fast enough to actually compete and place in one of these races, but it always feels so good to be ABLE to do it.  It's a very accomplished feeling.

My friend and I after the race.  We didn't even plan to match, but both showed up wearing the same thing!

 

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In other news, I had my suppression check and estrodiol blood draw on Friday.  Everything looks good and we are ready to go!  I was able to drop my Lupron injections from 20 units to 10 units and started taking the Estrace tablets yesterday (just one a day for now).  I go back for a lining check on May 17th, and the transfer is scheduled for May 24th.  I'm a little nervous about the 24th as that is also the scheduled day for the softball State Quarterfinals.  We have no expectations of making it that far in state, but if we do....I'm in trouble.  The plan will be for Hubby to just fill in for me coaching that day, but oh boy, will that be a tough one to explain when he hasn't been out there coaching with me this whole season.  We will see what happens...

 

My softball team has clinched the 2nd place spot in our league as of Friday.  We still have 3 more games left, but we could lose all of them and still have the number 2 spot, so we have officially made it to the playoffs.  I am hoping we can win the first play off game, but then fully expect to play a really tough team from there.  It would be a miracle if we make it beyond that day to the 24th.  Not that I am hoping to lose.  I'd love to win and make it to the quarterfinals.  I just wish it didn't coincide with our baby making plans.  Again, time will tell.



Not Lost

I have been working on that Prom Talk post but I haven't had a long enough time in one sitting to put it all in print.  Rather than just continually being silent in the blogging world, I thought I'd at least pop in to say helllloooo!!!!!!

Quick update:  I am done with bcp's and AF stopped in for her visit yesterday.  I am still doing 20 units of Lupron every night.  My suppression check and estradiol blood draw is this Friday.  If all is good, I will be decreasing Lupron to 10 units and starting taking estrace tablets on Saturday.  My lining check is May 17th, and I will start PIO injections on May 18th.  Transfer is scheduled for May 24th.  Yikes.  This is it!

Yesterday, I had to take our Embryo Thaw and Transfer Consent form to get notarized.  I went to our local bank here in town.  The notary is someone that I have seen many, many times over the years as I have banked there for 10+ years.  It was slightly awkward to say the least.  One of my softball players that graduated a few years back was in the bank at the same time.  I just tried to keep it casual, but of course the notary gal had to ask me about the form. 

Notary: "so are you thawing embryos or are you transferring them?"
Me: "Both."
Her: "Oh, well congratulations!"
Me: "well, I do hope that congratulations will be in order."
Her: "I just want to be the first to congratulate you!"
Me: "well, thank you."
Me: "we actually aren't telling anybody about this, so I would really appreciate it if you would keep this between just us."
Her: "oh, of course.  Congratulations!"

Three times.  Three times in a matter of seconds she congratulated me.  Shaking my head.

She obviously doesn't know much about this process if she had to ask if we were thawing them or transferring the embryos.  What else would we be thawing them for?  Not that it matters, I just wanted her to sign the damn paper and get out of there before the ex softball player over heard the conversation.  I happen to be currently coaching her younger sister, just another reason to want to keep this on the down low.

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Softball is going well, although we have lost our last 3 games.  They were against 2 of the best teams in the state though, and I feel pretty good about our team because we were able to compete with them.  We are sitting in 2nd place in our league right now.  We have 5 more league games.  We need to win 2 of them to guarantee a playoff spot, and we need 3 wins to give us the #2 spot in our league so we can host the first playoff game.  We only have a few more weeks of our high school season left. It's been a good season. I love the girls and I am so glad that I decided to coach another year.

I am slowly but surely reading everyone's blogs, although I am several days behind.  I haven't been a very good blogger friend lately, but I am trying!  I just wanted you to know that I am still here and not lost.... and I will get that Prom Talk post out soon.  Although I fear it's been built up to be more than it is.  Hopefully it won't disappoint.

Quick Update

First, let me just say welcome to anyone visiting for ICLW.  This is my favorite blogging week of the month when I get to meet new friends and find new blogs to follow.

Here's the update of my fertility world:

We have one more shot at having a baby.  We started with an IUI, which we suspected wouldn't work and it didn't.  We've done one IVF which resulted in a chemical pregnancy.  We then had a cancelled IVF due to only one follicle, so it was turned into an IUI, which failed.  We then moved on to IVF using my sister as an egg donor.  This resulted in our first real pregnancy, which lasted 9 weeks, 5 days.  Our miscarriage was due to a chromosomal issue.  Our baby had Trisomy 18.  We had two extra embryos to freeze from that donor egg cycle.  We are now at the beginning stages of our final cycle.  This FET cycle will be our last shot at having children.

I have been on bcp's for a little over 3 weeks now, and have done 4 nights of Lupron injections so far.  To put it bluntly, the injections suck.  I thought I remembered the Lupron injections not being too bad.  I was wrong.  Grrr.  The first night actually wasn't too bad.  But then the next night I went to the left side of my belly.  For some bizarre reason, whenever I do an injection on the left side, I always get a few hives and an itchy rash.  That is not new to this cycle.  I just forgot about it.  Then on the 3rd night, I hit a vein.  Yeah, that hurt.  And it bled.  The joys of giving yourself shots.

The only side effect I really remember from the Lupron last time was that I could NOT stay awake!  I pretty much had to take a nap every single day.  It was impossible for me not to.  Oh yeah, and the fact that I suffered temporary short term memory loss last time too.  The doctor said that was normal because my body was basically in a state of menopause.  At least I know what it will be like in down the road.  haha!

So far I have not really felt the same fatigue I did last time.  I hope that continues because I have way too much going on in my daily life right now to have a chance to nap.  I will be sleeping on the softball field if I can't keep my eyes open.

Speaking of softball, the Prom Talk went very well.  The girls listened, were teary eyed in parts, and I think took home the intended message.  I will write more about this later as I think it's probably deserving of its own post.  However, I do not have anymore time right now.  We have a game this afternoon and I have to go prep the field and write our line up.

It is a beautiful day outside for a game!  It's supposed to be nice all week!  It is forecasted to be 76* on Wednesday.  I'm sure the girls will be complaining about how hot it is.  It's funny how 76* is hot right now, but during the summer we will be freezing at that same temperature.  Anyway, off to enjoy the blue sky and a little softball.

The Time has Come

In less than two hours, I will be meeting all the girls in my softball program and having the famous Prom Talk.  I will address the usual no drugs, no drinking, please drive safely....but this year I will be focusing on sex.  The high school I coach at has the highest rate of teenage pregnancy in the state of Oregon.  Fortunately, in all my 20 years of coaching, I have only had one girl from all my softball teams get pregnant during high school (that I know of).

I am going to share with them some personal stories that is going to include my infertility.  Last year during softball season, I had my first IVF that resulted in a chemical pregnancy.  I also had a failed IVF.  During the season, I was injecting myself up to four times a day with stim meds.  I had to hide from them the pain of our failures, while trying to coach them toward reaching the ultimate goal of winning a state championship which was a very realistic goal.

Last year during our softball season I watched my Grandpa die from cancer, experienced the whole IVF process resulting from two failures, and fell just short of our team goal of playing in the state championship game.  We had 8 seniors graduate from our team that had a very bittersweet ending to our season, losing in a close game with a score of 1-2 in a game we were predicted to win.  It was an extremely tough three months for me.

Today I am going to share all of that with them.  I am going to make it like a show and tell.  I am going to take my needles and syringes to help make an impact of everything that IVF entails and what I was going through last year.  I was worried about how that might come across if a girl goes home to her parents and says "Coach Amber brought needles to practice today."  I didn't want our Athletic Director to field phone calls about it without a heads up, so I ran the idea by him first and got his approval.  It's not really any different than a diabetic carrying their injection materials around, or the player on our team that has an EpiPen for bee stings.

You may wonder what any of my IF has to do with my Prom Talk.  I plan to tie it in to the sex talk.  What if one of them were to get pregnant now and chose to have an abortion, but later in life couldn't get pregnant and suffered from IF?  If I myself had gotten pregnant in high school, I don't know what I would have done.  I didn't really have the best home situation.  What if I had gotten pregnant and had an abortion?  I would definitely be regretting that now!

I've done a Prom Talk every year.  The girls expect it and many of the parents expect it.  They always ask "when is the Prom Talk going to be?"  Well, now that Prom is tomorrow night, the time has come for my speech.  I'm a little nervous to share my story.  I worry about how it will be perceived, by both the players and their parents.  I know many of them always go home and share with their parents what we talk about.

About an hour ago, I received an email from the father of one of my players.  She is a junior this year, and I coached her older sister for 4 years prior so their family is familiar with this talk.  Here is what the dad had to say:

Hey! I just want to thank you for your continued support of our girls! Many people think that your role as coach serves within the realm of softball only… this is not true. You pour your love out as if they were your own… In many respects they are! You want the best for every girl. When they are victorious… you rejoice! When they struggle, you are sad. You never let them settle for mediocrity in sport, which transcends into every area of life.

With prom looming, you will share your heart with our daughters, proving once again, they are more than just your team, but a great gift from our God… whom you love dearly!

Thank you for all you do!

May God continue to bless you in all you do!

 

I cried as I read this email.  It meant so much to hear these words of encouragement and support.  Being a coach is oft times a thankless job.  These girls do mean the world to me and I am so incredibly grateful that I am allowed to share this time in their lives.  I hope that I can make an impact on them as much as they have on me.

4 Seconds

A few years ago, I convinced one of my training clients to run the Portland Marathon with me.  We both completed the race, and she swore she would never do it again.  haha!

Well, she changed her mind.  She has since become quite the runner, competing in several more marathons and several half marathons.  She has continued to get better and has improved her times drastically since that first race.  So much so that it became a goal to qualify for the Boston Marathon, something that once seemed impossible, became a very realistic goal.

Today, she was not running in the Boston Marathon because she missed qualifying by 4 seconds.  She was 4 seconds too slow, which we have groaned about for the past several months, that she came SO close!  Today, we are incredibly grateful for those 4 seconds.

I cannot express how sad I am that we are living in a world that is becoming a place to fear.  We are forced to question whether we want to participate in something or go somewhere that will have a large crowd, for fear of what might happen.  We have been faced with terrorism, mass gun shootings, bombings....

Those people that were participating in the Boston Marathon today put in a LOT of training hours, not to mention the heart and soul they pored into getting there.  That is an event you can ONLY participate in if you qualify for it.  I know some people that have qualified but never actually got to run the race, because they couldn't afford the travel expenses to get there - the airfare, the hotel, the food money.  Participating in the Boston Marathon is a dream for a lot of people and a once in a lifetime achievement that many do not get to experience.  To have those dreams come to such a devastating end is a travesty.  Not to mention all the people that were injured just for being there to cheer their loved ones on.

Today, I am grateful for a mere 4 seconds.  But what about all those people that actually achieved their goal?  What about all those people that were so proud to be running the streets of Boston today and had every right to boast of their accomplishment?  Even if they are lucky enough not to have been at the spot of the bombings, their experience has been marred by travesty and will be one to be remembered not for their accomplishment, but how lucky they were to survive.