Wednesday, September 2, 2015

I'm Drowning

Here's the awful truth: I am really struggling.  I feel like I've been drowning in my loneliness.
As infertiles, we are made to feel like we can't complain about the woes of parenthood.  We are supposed to love every single second of pregnancy, and then every moment of being a mommy.  People get really mad if you voice anything negative, especially in the infertile social media world.  You get accused of forgetting what it's like to be infertile, of forgetting everything that we had to go through to get to this point, and for not appreciating the precious little babies that we have.

I love my babies.  I love Ayden and Rylee with my whole being.  I'm sitting here crying as I write that because I feel like such an awful person that they are not enough, that it's not enough to just be their mommy.  Does that make me a failure?  Does that mean I don't deserve them?  Some people would say yes.

The truth is that I won't ever forget all those years of struggling to start our family.  I won't ever forget all those shots that I had to give myself.  I won't ever forget going through two miscarriages.  I won't forget that my sister gave us the most precious gift of herself in order for Ayden and Rylee to come into this world.

However, that doesn't stop me from feeling the way I do now.  I don't know who I am anymore.  All my girlfriends that I confided in and had heart to hearts with aren't around anymore.  I feel left behind.  They have continued on with their lives while mine has made a drastic turn.  Of course it's a turn in a good direction.  I just never imagined it meaning I would lose who I was.  I no longer have softball in my life.  I'm not working, so I don't get that interaction with adults.  Before we moved, we had several weekly visitors coming over to see the babies.  Now we get visitors maybe once every month and a half.  If I want to see anyone, I am typically driving at least an hour (one way) to do so.

I am very thankful that I have the opportunity to stay home with Ayden and Rylee, but I never knew how hard that would be.  Even at night, I am the one that is responsible for getting up with Ayden and Rylee if it's needed.  I don't get time off.  The only free time I ever get is when I go grocery shopping on the weekends.  Tony always tells me to "have fun," but really, how fun is grocery shopping?  There's been a few times that Tony has told me to take a day for myself to go see a movie or something.  I've appreciated those days, but it makes me feel even more lonely when I have nobody to ask to go see a movie with.  I see other moms post on Facebook about their girls night out and I am envious.  I envy their friendships.

Since Ayden and Rylee have been born, Tony has had two trips to Seattle with friends.  This last Sunday he was with friends doing a fantasy football draft, and he has another football draft this coming weekend.  His group of friends make it a really big all day thing, getting together to golf, bbq, and do their draft.  I am jealous that he has such close friends to do these things with.  It makes me feel like such a loser that I don't.

I know I can always ask my sister if she wants to do something, but she is rarely able to.  She has four kids.  I get that.  She also runs her own daycare.  I'd love to be able to talk to her more, but that's typically not an option either because she's so busy between her family and her daycare kids.

When I wrote my last post about finally making a little bit of time for myself to go for walks twice a week, within 20 minutes of me posting it, I lost two followers.  I'm not going to lie, it hurt my feelings.  I know blog followers come and go, but it was depressing that immediately following my post, two people decided I wasn't worthy enough.  In the midst of everything I've been feeling lately, it sent me into a short tailspin.  I have to say thank you for those of you that wrote such nice, supportive comments, because it really helped me let it go.  I have made so many "friends" since starting this blog.  I can't tell you how much that has meant to me.

I am usually a cup half full type of person.  I really hate dwelling in negative.  Writing all this makes me feel like a complete whiner, and I apologize.  I just really needed an outlet for all this pent up loneliness I've been feeling lately.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

I Found Some

So I finally found an itsy bitsy tiny amount of motivation!  I told the Hubby the other night that I needed two nights during the week to be able to go for a walk/run.  He 100% supports the idea and told me he would take care of bedtime.  What he doesn't understand is that I don't want to give up putting the kids to bed in order for me to exercise.  I either need to go as soon as he gets home so that I can be back for bedtime, or I go after they are in bed.  It's not really an option for me to miss out on saying goodnight twice a week, at least in my mind!

He also said that we do have these things called jogging strollers....  Ummm, yes we do.  And I DO take the kids for walks several times a week.  However, if I just go for a long walk, they tend to fall asleep and then that messes with nap time!  Besides, it would just be nice for me to get out by myself every once in awhile.

Well anyway, he came up with the plan for me to go on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Yesterday was my first walk by myself.  I left after I cleaned up Ayden and Rylee from dinner.  Can I tell you what a breath of fresh air it was to go for a nice brisk walk BY MYSELF???  I literally took several deep breaths and just relished having a half hour of ME time!  It was so relaxing to not have to worry about Ayden and Rylee.  To not have to try to keep up a conversation with two toddlers that can't yet talk.  To not have to stop when one of them gets upset about something.

Please don't get me wrong. I love that I can take them for walks and they actually don't mind being in the stroller.  I love talking with them and hearing them talk to each other.  I love that I have the opportunity to stay home with them, but as a stay at home mom living in a town that I have no family and only one friend in, and as someone that really enjoys and needs my own personal time, it was the best, most relaxing 30 minutes I've had in a long time!

Tony got the kids in their pj's and brushed their teeth while I was gone.  Then when I got back we read books and went through our bedtime routine together.  It was perfect.

We'll see how long this lasts.  Hopefully we can get into a good routine and I can continue.

Friday, August 21, 2015

So. Not. Motivated.

I am ridiculously unmotivated.  I haven't been motivated to blog.  I'm not motivated to exercise.  I'm not motivated to eat right.  I'm not motivated to go outside and pull weeds.  To clean out my car.  To go through all the clothes Ayden and Rylee have grown out of.  To clean our garage and finish unpacking.  Shall I go on?  I'm sure I can come up with more things. These are all things I WANT to do.  I just can't seem to find the motivation to actually do them!

I came across this picture yesterday:

That was me at 14 weeks pregnant with Ayden and Rylee.  I have to say, I was impressed by how small I looked, other than being pregnant.  I thought "wow! I actually looked kind of cute!"  Where'd that cute little me go?   My arms and my face most definitely don't look that small right now.  I think that bump might match the bump I currently have.  I'm not going to take a picture to document it though.  Yesterday I happened to look down and I did a double take because I actually looked like I had a baby bump.  Whoa.  That's not okay!  But what did I do about it?  I made Banana Chocolate Zucchini Bread last night.  It's not healthy. Especially when you've already eaten a whole loaf pan of it already.  Okay, well, I did share some with Ayden and Rylee.  But still.  What in the world is it going to take to get my butt in shape and start eating healthier?

I used to be a personal trainer.  I KNOW how to exercise.  I KNOW how to eat right.  I'm just so incredibly unmotivated to do it right now.  I go for walks regularly with Ayden and Rylee. We play outside frequently.  We've done a month of swim lessons with them.  We are active. It's just not exercise that is going to make a difference to my fat body.  Eating is a whole different subject.  I like to eat.  I like to eat ice cream.  A lot.  That's how I tend to decompress during nap time.  I need to change that habit.

Don't get me wrong.  I don't expect to have a perfect after-birthing-twins body.  But I am fully aware of the fact that I also don't need to look like the butterball that I do today. Mmmm, butter!  Just kidding!!!!!  haha!  I need to change my ways.  If only so I can be healthier for Ayden and Rylee.  When Ayden and Rylee are 20, I will be 60.  When they are 30 and probably have kids, I will be 70.  It's going to be questionable how long I will be around to see my grandchildren grow up.  I want to be able to play with them and enjoy them.  I know it's possible to be an old lady and be active and fit, but I also know that won't happen if I don't do something to improve my health right now.  Heck, I want to be able to coach my kids' Little League teams.  At the rate I'm going right now, that won't happen either.

It's time to make some changes.  I just NEED to find that one thing that is going to click and give me the motivation to make it happen.  I know that motivation can't come from anybody else but myself.  I just need to find whatever it is that is going to turn the switch.  I don't have a goal weight in mind, or a dress size.  Who am I kidding?  I don't wear dresses!  I just want to feel better in my own skin.  I want some of my old clothes to fit.  Not all of them, but it would be nice if my stretchy sweatpants would at least fit!!!  I want to have the energy to play more with Ayden and Rylee.  You'd think that would be my motivation, right?  So why hasn't it clicked in yet?

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

What We've Been Up To

Everyday I think about sitting down and writing a new blog post during nap time.  Then when that time comes, I either have a ton of stuff I have to get done while they are asleep or I am simply exhausted and relish the down time to myself.  I don't seem to have enough time to stay caught up on my blog reading either.  I apologize for not being a very active blogger lately!

Today I decided it was time for an update, so here's a mostly picture post of what we've been up to...

Last week, I took Ayden and Rylee to Thistledown Farm for an outting.  Someone had suggested it in a local mom's Facebook group.  They have a very cool hay maze with slides for kids, and goats for petting.  The best part was coming home with yummy peaches and blackberries.  Ayden and Rylee discovered that they REALLY love blackberries!

Checking out the flowers

Rylee has decided that she LOVES animals!
Ayden enjoyed petting the goats, but was really more interested in trying to eat their poop, so we didn't stay with the goats for very long.
Climbing up one of the tunnels in the hay maze.
Rylee was not a happy camper when it was time to leave!

Last Friday we had a wedding to go to.  It means so much to me to be invited to the weddings of the softball players I coached.  It was a beautiful wedding and Ayden and Rylee had a blast too!

My handsome boy!

My pretty little lady!

I couldn't decide which of the next two pictures I liked best of Rylee, so you get to see both!

I love how she has her chin resting on the frame.

But then, how can you resist her smile?

Lots of fun props to play with!

Ayden and Rylee are keeping us on our toes, that is FOR SURE!  They are into EVERYTHING!  It seems like they have taken their adventurous ways to a whole new level in the past few weeks.  

In the first three pictures here of Ayden, he got himself stuck hanging from these drawers.  I helped him get down and while I had my back turned texting these pictures to family, he found a way to actually climb all the way up.  He was SO proud of himself, which you can clearly see by that ornery smile in the bottom right picture!

We cannot keep Ayden out of the hall closet!
He's figured out how to open the fridge.  The refrigerator now has a very inconvenient lock on it.
He was trying to crawl through the underside of the chair and was mad that he couldn't.

While I was making dinner one night, I could NOT keep them off the kitchen table!

This was their reaction to being put in time out.
And then THIS happened yesterday!  Oh. Em. Gee!!!!

If I didn't already have grey hair, they surely would be giving it to me now.  I'm not sure I can survive all these mini heart attacks they give me on a daily basis.  It's a good thing they mix in lots of really cute moments like in the next picture.

Cuteness overload!
We are also still doing swimming lessons every night Monday-Thursday.  They both absolutely love being in the water and have so much fun!  It's exhausting going four days in a row, but so totally worth the time we get to spend together as a family.  I don't have any cute swim lesson pictures though :)

Monday, July 27, 2015

Microblog Monday: A Celebration of Poop

We've been putting Rylee on the toilet after bath time for quite awhile now, and she usually goes potty.  It had become a race to get a diaper on her after baths, before she would pee all over, so we thought why not?  Well, last night she not only went potty, but she also POOPED!  In the toilet!  She had no reaction to it whatsoever, but Tony and I tried to make it a big deal and celebrated her being such a big girl.  She's still not really aware of what she is doing, so we haven't ventured any sort of potty training beyond this for now.  It's a start though!

Who knew that poop would become such a big deal?  We worry about poop when they get constipated.  We worry about poop when they get diarrhea.  Now we are celebrating poop. Haha!

As a side note, we also try to put Ayden on the potty after baths, but he really has no interest and doesn't last more than a few seconds, mayyyybeee a minute, before he's up and running.

Click here to read more #MicroblogMonday posts from other blogs.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Mostly Wordless Wednesday

Life is full of adventure with Ayden and Rylee.  They keep us on our toes for sure with all the toddler shenanigans they get themselves into.  I have an unfortunate feeling that we may have many ER visits in our future....

We are still storing these couches for my in-laws.  If we put them against the wall like normal people would, Ayden crawls on the computer desk.  We can't afford to buy a new computer right now, so....

He LOVES climbing back and forth between the couches.
I don't know how he hasn't broken his neck yet.

He was a little too quiet the other day, so I went to find him.  He was having a grand ol' time lounging amongst the diapers and hats.  Of course he was eating the fuzz off the hats...  Sigh.

Just goofing around!

This girl LOVES to run!
And I love to hear her giggle and laugh while she's doing it.

This boy finds himself in all sorts of predicaments.  So much so, that I have started a special hashtag just for him on Facebook and Instagram: #TheManyAdventuresOfAyden.

He likes to put the bucket on his head, but this time he managed to get the handle stuck around his neck.  He didn't like that very much.  I didn't like it either, so now the bucket no longer has a handle.

Got himself stuck in the laundry basket. (Don't mind my toes!)

My two little "helpers" in the kitchen.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

All About Rylee

Photo courtesy of Sweet Little Love Photography

Oh how I love this little girl!  Anyone who meets her now would never even begin to imagine the struggles she had her first 3 months of life.  She has the best laugh that is unique to only her.  She doesn't always smile or laugh easily if she's in a new situation or environment, but once she warms up, she talks and smiles at everyone.

It's funny how her and Ayden tend to swap personalities sometimes.  Until a few weeks ago, she was so super easy going, always going with the flow of things.  He was the cranky one.  Lately, it's been Rylee's turn to whine and scream.  Oh the screaming!  She has taken it to a whole new level!  She definitely is not afraid to let us know when she is not happy with something.  This sweet little thing has a very big voice!  Or maybe I should call it a very loud screech....

She's yelling at me about something...

At their 18 month check up (almost a month ago!), Rylee weighed 23 lbs 4 oz, falling in the 59th percentile.  She is a full 2 inches shorter than her brother at 31 inches tall, which is the 23rd percentile.  Well, this explains why she has such a cute little belly!  I call it her milk belly because she LOVES, loves, loves her milk!  She guzzles it as if someone is going to come steal it from her, so she has to get every last drop as fast as she can.  The girl is short with a weight falling slightly above average.  Thus, the belly.  haha!  She has a big head like Ayden, but hers is at least not in jeopardy of going off the chart!  Rylee's head is at 83%.

Rylee is wearing mostly 18 month clothing, but still fits in 12 month pants.  She actually has one pair of shorts that she wore last fall as capris that are size 3-6 months, and she still wore them yesterday!  Clothing sizes continue to baffle me.  She is wearing size 4 diapers and is in a size 5 shoe.

Photo courtesy of Sweet Little Love Photography

Rylee's finally starting to say a few words.  She knows exactly what a ball is and will declare it whenever she picks one up.  She's very proud of her knowledge of balls!  Last week she started saying baby in reference to stuffed animals and dolls.  She's said the word for quite sometime, but not with any meaning.  She says "hi" ALL the time!  She comes up to us randomly throughout the day and says hi, sometimes over and over.  Last week we were at Costco, and she said hi to anyone that walked by us.  We've been taking swimming lessons and she will holler out hi and wave to the lifeguard.  She says it in a really sing-songy voice and it is absolutely adorable!  She has just recently started saying "bye."  She tells her Daddy bye almost all morning until he walks out the front door to go to work, and then says it a few more times for extra credit.  Rylee says "Gah" for car, but then she also says the same thing for dog (or any other animal she sees!).  She is actually quite the little chatter box and talks all the time.  Her favorite thing to jibber jabber is "dubadubaduba."  She's even started trying to sing!  She loves "singing" E-I-E-I-O to Old McDonald.

Rylee got a referral for Early Intervention in regards to her delayed language skills, along with Ayden, but she's actually starting to say more and more all the time.  When the gal called from EI to assess, she said if it were just Rylee, they'd check back again at age 2 to re-screen.  However, since they will be coming out to evaluate Ayden because he is definitely behind, they might as well evaluate her too, since they will be here anyway.  For the record, I'm not real worried about their delay in communication, but I do want to stay on top of things just in case there does turn out to be a problem.  Besides, it's a free program, so why not?

Rylee absolutely loves to go to the park!  In fact, if we are out for a walk and we go past the park without stopping, she starts to cry.  This RARELY happens, since most of our walks are completely planned around park trips.  As I said, she's become quite vocal lately, and that includes letting us know that she wants to play at the park!  She has become a little pro at climbing the stairs of the playground equipment and her favorite thing is to go down the slide.  Rylee also really enjoys picking flowers, or weeds as most adults would call them.

I still haven't figured out what Rylee's favorite foods are, because she changes her mind all the time.  What she likes one day, she won't like the next and will just throw it all on the floor instead.  The one thing she will always eat for snack is a kids Clif bar.  She does typically enjoy fruits, her favorites being blueberries, watermelon, and strawberries.  She likes cheese on most days, and pasta is okay most of the time.  Rylee loves eating with a fork and spoon, although she isn't very good at it and always wants help.  But look out if you actually take the spoon away from her in your attempt to help!  The spoon must remain in this girl's hand the entire time.

Rylee has actually gone potty on the toilet a few times!  After getting a nighttime bath, it had been turning into a race to get a diaper on her before she would pee.  We finally decided that if she's going to pee every time, then why the heck don't we just put her on the toilet?  What do you know, now she goes potty on the toilet almost every time after getting a bath.  She doesn't know what she's doing yet, but it's at least a start.  We haven't started doing any official potty training, other than sitting them on the toilet after baths.

Rylee's favorite game is to run either away from us or toward us, whichever suits her fancy at the time.  She loves running to us for hugs, but she really, really enjoys being chased as well.  Especially if you say "I'm gonna get you!" while you are chasing after her.  This causes great big giggles and squeals of laughter.  It also means that when we want her to come to us to get her teeth brushed, or go in the highchair, or it's time for bed, she thinks it's a game and makes us chase after her.  She thinks she's soooo funny when she runs away from us!

Rylee might have recently become very opinionated and outspoken (i.e. cries, whines, throws fits), but she is also such a little sweetheart that loves to cuddle.  She's got a great big personality that tends to stay hidden if she doesn't know you, but once she lets loose, she has the most infectious smile and laughter you've ever heard.

Rylee's first cowgirl boots and "pony ride"

Photo courtesy of Sweet Little Love Photography

Photo courtesy of Sweet Little Love Photography