Yesterday I took the plunge and scheduled my first appointments with a new ob/gyn. Then last night I had 3 separate dreams that amounted to the same thing. I dreamt that on Monday I am going to get nothing but bad news at my ultrasound. We won't see a weeks worth of growth in the fetus and the heartbeat will be even slower than it was the last time, if it's there at all.
Then this morning, when I took my prenatal vitamin, it was the first morning in WEEKS that I was able to take it without having to gag it down. It went down smooth as can be, just like before I got pregnant. Is that a sign?
I feel like all my posts are doom and gloom with my worries and fears. In actuality, I am a pretty positive person. While I state my fears here in my blog, I feel like I do a pretty good job of staying neutral overall. I feel like I've been staying neutral as a way to guard myself from bad news so it won't be such a shocker when I get it. Sure, I'll be greatly disappointed, but I haven't felt like it would be the end of my world.
However, this morning is different. It feels pretty awful to wake up after having those bad dreams. Now I have to spend the weekend with that in the back of my mind, while I wait for Monday to get here. I was feeling pretty good about things and starting to feel confident that Monday would be a great day and we would see a stronger heartbeat. Now I just don't know.
How can I be confident when there is nothing really that makes me feel pregnant? I haven't had the slightest bit of morning sickness. My boobs aren't growing. My string cheese aversion is gone. I didn't gag on my prenatal vitamin this morning.
I keep telling myself that I just need to have faith. That I need to just leave everything up to God. I am finding this to be next to impossible though. I can't stop myself from worrying. And then I worry about that - that God will think my faith is not strong enough.
I hate being in this place, but yet I am SO grateful that I am. I am so grateful that I AM pregnant and have that to worry about. Now I just have to wait for Monday to know if I am STILL growing a little human being inside of me....
What an awful night I had and what an awful feeling to wake up to this morning.