Saturday, January 26, 2013

Drowning My Sorrows in Sugar, and Other Food

I went to work on Thursday, the day following my horrible ultrasound.  Can I just say how much I hate the question "how are you?" right now?  When it's pretty much the crappiest time in your life, answering that question just plain sucks.

There are several people at work that know we have been going through infertility treatments, but nobody knew our timeline or knew that I was pregnant.  Only a few more weeks, and I would have been sharing that news!  It's not really much of a secret anymore.  Now that the pregnancy has come to an end, I don't really care who knows.  Obviously, I wasn't in the greatest of moods, but I think I did a pretty good job of going about training my clients. 

I shared with a few people about the miscarriage.  I was working with one gal and had no intention of sharing my heartache, but then a friend came in the gym to workout and asked the dreaded question "how are you?"  I had trouble shrugging off that question and those two, the friend and the client, could instantly tell that something was wrong which just made me break down.  So I told them.  They both gave me hugs and expressed their sympathy.

Before going to teach my group of ladies that I train, I went back to my desk to find a bouquet of tulips, homemade blueberry muffins, and a card.  Reading the card just made me breakdown again.  A co-worker was in the office at the time, so then I had to explain to her what was wrong.  After teaching my ladies, I came back to my desk to find another bouquet of flowers and a dozen donuts.  Okay, first, who brings a dozen donuts into a gym?  Second, who gives a TRAINER donuts?  lol

The outpouring of love I got from these people at work, and the love and support that have been shown here from the blogging community means so much to me.  There aren't enough words to say how much it has meant to me to have so many people express their sympathies for our loss.  Thank you so much to all of you that have stopped by my blog and left your comments.  I know it is so difficult to know what to say in times like these.  I am having trouble finding the right words myself.

But I digress....Who brings donuts to a trainer?  Who ATE all the donuts?  This person right here.  On my way home from work that day, I opened up that bag of donuts and ate 3 of them.  I came home, and ate a few of the cupcakes I had made the night before.  I also ate 2 of the blueberry muffins.  Yesterday I ate almost an entire bag of chocolate chips and the rest of the muffins.  Today, I finished off the bag of chocolate chips and ate the last donut.  Yesterday, I also ate a big salad with FETA cheese on it.  Today I had a turkey, bacon, ranch panini and potato salad.  If I couldn't eat it while I was pregnant, I am eating it now!!!  If Bob didn't already not have heartbeat, he/she'd be in a sugar/food coma now!  (poor joke, I know, but I have to try finding humor in all of this somehow) 

The last few days have been rough.  I had to spend Thursday and Friday fielding what literally had to have been at least 20 phone calls from the clinic/hospital to finalize the details for the D & C scheduled on Monday.  Dr. W wanted me to continue with the hormones until I have the procedure, so that I didn't naturally miscarry the baby before that time.  However, she said I can use the Crinone I had left over from our previous IVF attempts, instead of doing the PIO injections.  After 3 days of using the Crinone, I would have rather continue with the injections.  I hate Crinone and it hates me.  I ended up with a vaginal infection the last time I used it, and I believe it's doing the same thing this time.  Ugg.  Only 2 more days.

I can't wait until Monday is over so that Hubby and I can just move on.

22 comments:

  1. Hi there! Where are you from in Oregon? I am in Bend! I'd love to connect and share stories!

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    1. I am 15 miles west of Salem. It's nice to meet another Oregonian :)

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  2. Indeed! Do you see an RE in the area?

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    1. We go up to Portland. If you would like to email me, you can at pantheramber@gmail.com

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  3. It sounds like you have some amazing friends and co-workers. I always find when you're going through a rough time, it's always the worst when people are the nicest to you...the floodgates just open. I won't add to your sugar coma but picture me sending you some virtual truffles and flowers because that's what you do when people you care about are going through a terrible time.

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    1. Ohhhh, I love truffles!! Lol thank you! Virtual truffles are better anyhow, they don't have any calories. I do have amazing friends and co-workers. My husband has been pretty amazing too :)

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  4. I just saw the bad news. I'm so sorry. Wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug. And some cake. And whatever else you need.
    So sorry sweetie.

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    1. I'll take the bug AND the cake :) thank you so so much!

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    2. Haha! I meant I will take the *HUG!!

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  5. Oh Amber, many, many hugs. I'm so glad that you have people around you who are sharing extra love this week, the internets are included.

    Personally, I think drowning your sorrows in sweets is perfectly okay. What you are going through right now is such a mind f*&k that it's pretty much okay to do whatever gets you through the day.

    Much love.

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    1. Thank you so much Stacie! The love I've been given this past week has truly been amazing and much appreciated.

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  6. I'm so Sorry for your loss. Do whatever you need to do to get through this. Thanks for visiting. #ICLW35

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  7. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have some really nice coworkers to support. I will be thinking of you on Monday.

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  8. I just saw this and my heart is breaking for you. I am sending you as many virtual hugs as you can possibly stand. You will be in my thoughts this weekend.

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  9. Amber, I'm so sorry for your loss. I have been there and understand how painful and unfair it can feel. I'm glad to hear you have some support around you. I'll be following your journey and hoping that the coming days and weeks of recovery are gentle for you.

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  10. I'm so sorry. I lost my bean at 10 weeks, just before my first OB appointment. It is truly heartbreaking. Thinking of you and sending you virtual cake, doughnuts, cookies...whatever it takes.

    here from LFCA

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    1. Thank you so much. I'm sorry for your loss as well. It truly is so heartbreaking when we go through so much to even get to this point.

      *I have no idea what LFCA is. Can you share with me? There have been a few people that have written that. Thanks!

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  11. I'm so glad that you have people in your life that are being so sweet to you. Sweet on several levels! Thinking of you lots and lots.

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  12. I am so glad that someone was there to send you tulips, homemade blueberry muffins and card! And the donuts, you go girl!!! Nothing like a sugar high to get us through the rough times!!!!! Must run in the family!!!!! And BIG believer in humor gets us through the rough times!!!! That must run in the family too!!!

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