Saturday, April 6, 2013

The Cousins are Pregnant Again

At our family Christmas party back in December, my newly wed cousins announced they were pregnant.  I was also pregnant at the time, and literally had to bite my tongue to keep from making my own announcement.  They were due just two weeks before me.  I remember feeling like they had stolen a little bit of my thunder.  I was happy for them, but a little heartbroken for myself.  I had waited so long to be able to share my own announcement, and they beat me to it.

Turned out that they ended up having a miscarriage just a week after that announcement.  I felt so bad for them, especially because this was their second loss.  I was afraid of the pain it would cause them when I was having a baby due the same month as theirs was supposed to be. It didn't end up being an issue, because I miscarried my own just over a month later.

In February, I pored my heart out into a letter to my family.  I sent this letter to all my Aunts and Uncles, as well as to all the Cousins.  I shared all of our struggles through infertility, including the IUI's, IVF's, and that Sis was an egg donor for this last go 'round.  I told them about our pregnancy, which had later ended in miscarriage.  I told my family that while I am sad for myself and my husband, I will be happy for each of them and any future baby announcements that they make.

Today I saw on Facebook, that cousins C and J (the ones that had the miscarriages) are once again expecting.  They posted pictures to announce their pregnancy.  I don't know whether I am more mad, or more hurt that I found this out via Facebook.  Probably a bit of both.  I feel pretty disrespected.  I shared my whole infertility journey with them not too long ago.  I felt like I had somewhat of a common bond with them in that we both suffered a loss about the same time.  Now I feel as if they could care less about my feelings.

It would have been nice if they had thought to inform the family before plastering the announcement on Facebook.  It would have been nice if they were at least sensitive to the fact that it might be hurtful to me, knowing my history.  At the very least, it would have been nice if they had asked Aunt R to tell my Mom, who then could have passed it on to me.  Under normal circumstances, I can understand how maybe they wouldn't have thought to spread the word through the family first.  But knowing what I've been through....  I can't help but feel extremely hurt.

And here's the thing, seeing pregnant women doesn't bother me.  Being around little babies doesn't bother me.  All I want to do is snuggle with them.  Facebook pregnancy announcements don't bother me either.  THIS ONE DOES THOUGH!  This one hurts because it is FAMILY!  It is family that KNOWS what I've been through and apparently doesn't seem to care.  They are the only ones that never responded to my letter.  Every Aunt and Uncle, and every other Cousin reached out to me and responded to my letter, except for these two.  Maybe I'm being ridiculous, but I just feel like they should have at least let the family know, or at least let ME know, before plastering it on Facebook.

Even though my feelings are hurt and I feel a little angry (maybe a lot.  I haven't decided yet), I "liked" their pictures.  I sent C a text congratulating them and asking the due date.  She is about 13 weeks and they are planning for an October baby.  I am trying to be the bigger person by reaching out to them and offering my congrats, even though I am sitting here stewing over the whole thing.

I am happy for them.  I truly am.  I just wish that they had at least considered how their announcement might effect me.

24 comments:

  1. I am sorry you had to find out that way. I think that after the letter you sent out they should have at least sent you a private message via FB, email, text anything.... I would be hurt as well. I admire you for reaching out. I think if it were me I would have be "silent" for a while.
    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, even a text would have been nice. Like you said, ANY other way would have been nice. It was just such a shock to see their pregnancy pictures on Facebook, mostly because they KNOW what we've been through. Thank you for validating my feelings.

      Delete
    2. I hope that soon you will be sharing your BFP news with them!

      Delete
  2. One thing I've discovered on my journey is that most people just don't "get" it, even when you very directly spell it out for them. I don't think they're going out of their way to be hurtful, but others often can't understand because they've not been through it. They don't get what it is like to hope and pray month after month and still not have that one thing you are most wanting while everyone else seems to get it with ease. Kwim?

    I am sorry the Cousins didnt announce their pregnancy in a more sensitive way. I know it just plain hurts. Much love to you. (((Hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Stacie. I know they weren't trying to be hurtful. I just can't believe the lack of sensitivity since they KNOW my situation. You are right. They just don't get it or know what it is like. I've just been really lucky and hadn't really run into that before. Again, thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate the love.

      Delete
  3. Oh, you have every right to be annoyed. Not only out of respect for everything you've been through, but for the fact that your family and shouldn't have to find out via the common way. Seriously tactless

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh how awful! i mean how could they NOT contact you first?!? It is common courtesy! I am mad for you!

    Many of my friends and family know of my loss and our struggles and even friends i do not see on a regular basis made a point to tell me in person (this has happened with two different sets of friends). I am always thankful for this so i can prepare myself for the FB announcement. Announcements are always hard for me as i wish it was me posting one. However, i fully enjoy the baby pictures and watching through FB to see them grow up.

    One day ladies we will be posting those pictures. Our time WILL come.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I totally would feel the same way as you. It really is not that nice that they didn't contact you first...especially with all you've been through. They should understand that with what they went through with their last pregnancy. Annnnd you're family! I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt. Sending many hugs!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. it is so odd they didnt call you. to be honest i dont get anyone posting on FB., it just is not my style. my husband and i call facebook..grandstanding book! it is times like these i am glad no one knows because it avoids these events and feelings. i hope for you they have the decency to apologize. hugs

    ReplyDelete
  7. You are totally being the better person. I don't know if I would have been. And that would upset me too. I'm sorry the cousins aren't more considerate of your feelings. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wow. It's hurtful on a few levels. I'm sorry they weren't more considerate and you have every right to be angry. I think, like most people, they just don't know how to deal with it so they end up being really insensitive. I found out my cousin was pregnant on FB last year. She doesn't know what we have struggled with, but it still hurt that I found out that way and not from her or at least through my aunt. Good for you for being the bigger person.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh man. I agree with the others. You have every right to feel hurt. I think some people are just soo uncomfortable with infertility that they completely avoid it (and us). Instead of putting themselves through the minor discomfort of telling you in person, they just avoid avoid avoid and let you carry whatever pain comes with instead of taking some of it for themselves. It sucks. I'm sorry. :(

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am sorry you had to find out this way. And I agree with you. It is always nice to find out a family member is pregnant any way besides social media. Then given the fact that you filled them in on your infertility, they should have let you know. One hypothesis I have is that they didn't want to talk to you about your loss and infertility because they were afraid they would end up in your shoes (especially after their two losses). Perhaps they were afraid that hearing your story and grief might make their losses hurt more or make them fear they would go through the same thing. I am sorry you had to find out this way.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Awww poo. That totally stinks. You have every right to feel hurt.

    Is it possible they didn't really read the whole letter? I wrote a really long heart-felt letter to family last year and hubby pointed out that I needed to shorten it up. I have a tendency to write really long letters when I am emotional about something and he said that sometimes people will skim it if it is too long. Since I've talked about it with friends before, I have found that many people to do this. Weird - I know!

    So maybe they didn't read the whole thing and don't really know the FULL essence of what you have been through.

    Or maybe the letter brought up their own pain and they wanted to step away from that completely.

    Or maybe infertility is like when someone is really sick and no one knows the right thing to say, so they just avoid it all together. I have a friend like that: we don't even talk anymore. Not from an argument, she just faded away. She had a baby and I think she just doesn't know what to say. A read a post for someone with cancer the other day that talked about this and I have read some on infertility as well.

    Anyway - sorry to ramble - yea, I would be hurt too. Some people just don't know any better (said in my BEST southern voice).

    ReplyDelete
  12. Facebook is always a crappy way to find out about someone's pregnancy.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I would be hurt, too. You opened yourself up; they know the hell you've been through and yet, they didn't have the courtesy to give you a head's up. I'm sorry. HUGS!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm so sorry that it happened that way. I am surprised that they did it without family knowing first to. I understand your anger. I would be upset and mad as well. Your doing the right thing by being the bigger person and congratulating them. I wish I could say I would have done the same. I know I would have been spiteful I'm sure. I hope that you get your little miracle take home baby this time around!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Wow I am so sorry, that's a prime example of why I don't like FB and don't have an account. My sister is one of those that posts stuff on there and I hear it by word of mouth before or IF she even tells me. Crazyness!

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is one of my least favorite things about Facebook. I feel really old saying this, but it's one of the things that's wrong with our culture today...personal communication is lost...even in regards to personal issues like pregnancy!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Wow. I agree with you and all the others that this showed a lack of respect. I'm sorry they didn't take the more honorable approach that you deserve. Good for you for being the bigger person - it might be difficult, but you'll be better for it.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Wow. Just... wow. You are definitely a bigger person than me for "liking" their Announcement Picture. I probably would have defriended them, or hidden them from my newsfeed. I agree that it was really disrespectful and rude of them to have you find out through Facebook of all mediums. Sorry you had to go through that. I think you should hide them from your newsfeed.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm reading this now after the links back from your current posts. We haven't been this open about our infertility struggles, and I admire you for that letter! We did send out a birth (and death) announcement for our girls though, and a few people did not respond at all. If they were to announce a pregnancy or baby on Facebook... yes, I'd be hurt and angry. Probably a lot. You're great for trying to be the bigger* person.

    * I accidentally typed "bitter" instead. Go figure.

    ReplyDelete