Bite Your Tongue!

Last night was our Christmas Party for my side of the family.  Normally, we have always celebrated on Christmas Eve, but not everyone would have been able to be there this year so we changed the day.  What makes Christmas so special to me is being able to see pretty much my whole family together, which just hardly ever happens so I am glad we were able to get together early this year.

It was a lot of fun.  I wasn't sure how it would be since this is our first Christmas without Grandpa.  It was also a lot different because my cousin and his new wife have moved into my Grandparents house.  They totally have made it into a new place, which is awesome.  The house is very old and very run down, so it needed a little help.  My Grandma actually grew up there, as well as all my aunts and uncles, and my sister and I.  I was afraid Grandma might have some words about how the place looked without all HER stuff, but it was no problem.  (she now lives in an assisted living)

At one point in the evening, Hubby and I had to disappear to go do my PIO injection.  I actually thought this was kind of funny.  We'd been wondering all week how this was going to go over, but it didn't end up being a big deal because nobody noticed we disappeared into the bathroom together.  Except my sister, but she knew what we were doing.  We got the deed done, and then Hubby left the bathroom while I finished tucking in my shirt and buttoning my pants (sounds dirty huh?).  Nobody saw us go in or out of the bathroom.  Nobody even asked where we went.  Mission accomplished.

Later that night, as people were starting to get ready to leave, came the big announcement.  My cousin and his new wife gathered everyone in the living room.  You can probably guess where this is going.  Yep.  They announced they are pregnant and due in August.  It makes sense and isn't all that surprising.  Everyone was there together.  Makes perfect sense to make that announcement.  I had to bite. my. tongue.  It was SO hard for me NOT to say anything!

She is due just 2 weeks before me!  They just got married in September.  I'm not surprised they are pregnant.  I kinda figured it was coming.  Here's a little back story:

About a year ago, before they were even engaged but had been dating for several years, they found out they were pregnant.  My cousin freaked a little, but then they were both very excited.  I found out at an annual girls scrapbooking weekend at the coast.  When they told me, I was excited for them, but really hurt inside at the same time.  I'm the oldest of all the grandkids.  I was supposed to have babies first, but pretty much they have all passed me up.  It's hard to want your own kids, but everyone else gets them instead, even your baby brother who had a baby right out of high school (that's a whole other post!).

I don't think it was more than two weeks later, that she had a miscarriage.  I know they had to be devastated.  I can't imagine what that would feel like to get so excited about your baby, and then all those dreams....die.  I hurt for them, but never brought it up.  And I've never heard anyone talk about it.  Shortly after, they were engaged.  Then married in September.

I can't help but feel a little like they stole a bit of my thunder.  But at the same time, if I followed up their announcement with one of my own (which I was dying to do), I probably would have stolen a bit of their thunder in return.  While this was going on, I was on the opposite side of the room from Hubby.  I SOOoooooo wanted to say something!  It was running through my mind that we could tell everyone and then turn around and tell his parents at Christmas.  I am only 5 weeks at this point.  That would make them about 7 weeks.  I don't know if they've already had their ultrasound.  I would imagine they have.  I just can't help but think about how I so wish it was that easy for us to get pregnant.  To get married in September, want to start TTC right away, and then boom, make your announcement at Christmas.  I could only wish.

On the way home, Hubby commented that if they are due in August also, they are sharing the news pretty early.  I know Hubby has been dying to tell everyone too.  I don't know if he was saying that to rub it in that I've been making him wait, or if he was just making an observation.  I don't know what he was thinking because he was really in a mood on the way home.  It was an awkward drive home.  He insisted he wasn't mad, or in a funky mood, but uhhh.....I beg to differ.

Fortunately, I was able to keep my mouth shut and didn't spill the beans about our little bean :)  As much as I want so desperately to tell everyone, I really want to wait until we see the heartbeat at the very least.  I really want to start FEELING pregnant.  I do have small symptoms, just nothing major, and nothing I would attribute to being pregnant if I didn't know better.  I get ravenously hungry.  I get a little crampy at times.  I have insomnia.

But my boobs don't hurt at all!  Shouldn't they?  I have the most sensitive breasts and have always complained about that.  Just not recently.  My weight is actually lower than it's been in a long time.  I fit into a pair of jeans last night that I haven't worn in years.  I know I shouldn't wish this one, but I do wish for morning sickness so I can know this pregnancy is real.  I hope I can regret thinking that someday.  After reading that morning sickness means a considerable lower risk of miscarriage, I've been thinking BRING IT ON!

I do wish my cousins the best of luck.  I absolutely am happy for them.  I hope that this time next year, we both will have our own babies to bring to the family Christmas party.  Only 8 more days until our first ultrasound........