Thursday, April 4, 2013

Cycle Day #2

I did end up getting my visit from AF late yesterday afternoon, as I predicted.  I have not gotten a response to the message I sent to my RE yet though.  I just called the clinic to report that I'm on cycle day 2, so I should be hearing back from them sometime this afternoon.

I don't quite know whether to be excited because I'm at the beginning of our FET cycle and will be starting bcp's tomorrow, or will I be waiting one more month for me to get my act together by cleaning up my nutrition and preparing for the 10k I'm doing in 5 weeks.

I am happy to report that even with AF's arrival, I actually am down 2 lbs this morning.  I know that once I focus on making sure I am getting my 100 ounces of water each day and eating clean every 2-3 hours, I will see a pretty significant change fairly quickly.  The first few pounds will be easy.  It's the last 10 that will be the challenge.

With that said, I do want to add that it's really NOT about the weight.  My concern isn't the number on the scale.  My biggest concern is how that effects me internally.  I know that my blood pressure is high right now, but it usually does come down when I am eating clean.  I know my heart rate has also been elevated.  It's not so much about the weight, but rather how I've been FEELING.

I appreciated everyone's comments so much yesterday!  You actually helped me to realize that maybe it's not such a big deal.  Even if we do go ahead with this cycle, I still have about 7 weeks before we will actually do the transfer.  I just know that the bcp's and Lupron will not be a helping factor to getting back in shape.  However, if I am eating clean and more focused on taking care of myself, maybe it will still be okay.

These last two little embryos are it for us.  If this cycle does not work, we are done.  We cannot afford to take out any more loans to continue trying.  We do not have the luxury of having our insurance cover any infertility expenses.  My sister is not going to be available to donate more eggs for almost 2 years (because she is pregnant and then will be breast feeding).  We don't have the financial means to pursue adoption.

My concern isn't about my weight or the number on the scale.  It's not even about my elevated blood pressure or heart rate.  My concern is about whether those things will effect the survival of our embryos.  If there is any chance that we will have a lower chance of implantation and higher risk of miscarriage, I do not want to take that chance!  So many recommended to just go for it, and you know what?  If we had more chances after this, I would just go for it.  I wouldn't hesitate.  I don't WANT to wait, but more importantly I want this to work.

And you know what else?  If this doesn't work, I will be okay.  If Hubby and I have to move forward with a child-free life, we will, and we will make it work.  We will be heartbroken and sad at first, but we will be able to move on and live a happy life.  But I don't want to look back and KNOW that I could have improved our chances if we had just waited a month or two.  What is one or two months in comparison to the last 13+ years we've been ttc?  What is one or two more months in comparison to the rest of our lives?  I don't WANT to wait, but I WILL if it will help.  I just need to hear back from the RE to know what the decision will be.

8 comments:

  1. I can't wait to see what your RE office says!

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  2. I totally see where you are coming from. And I get the feeling you deep down know that you will feel better about it all if you were in a healthier state. I fear that if it doesnt work you will beat yourself up for it, and blame your health. I could be way off, but I just get this feeling.... I support you no matter what!!!!

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  3. After this post I see for sure what you are saying. See what the RE recommends, I would also want to make the most of this last try if it was all I had left :)

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  4. I totally get what you are saying - and maybe your RE will have some advice. But likely they will tell you its your choice - and then you will just have to trust your gut! I really struggle with the self blame - so do what ever will help you minimize that!

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  5. If there is any chance you would blame yourself if this cycle failed because of how you have been eating, you should wait and get back to a place where you feel healthy. You don't want any regrets. Obviously, you want the best chances for success but I think it's really important that you never look back and say "what if?" I hope your RE can give you some guidance.

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  6. Whatever happens, I will be cheering in your corner!

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  7. Just catching up. I definitely felt a bit of trepidation going into my FET with only one embryo in the freezer. I wanted to give myself the best shot I could because I didn't want to end up back at the drawing board. Glad that AF showed up to let you move on to the next step of this process!

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  8. I really, really am rooting for you. I hope and pray that you guys will have success. I literally am getting on my knees right now to pray. (I know that God doesn't really care whether I'm kneeling, sitting, or standing on my head, but it can't hurt, right?)

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