Well THAT was Embarrassing

Yesterday after the transfer, I just came home and basically did nothing.  Today, I am doing the same thing.  I was planning to go to work today, but I am supposed to take it easy.  That would have been impossible with the schedule I had today, which was booked solid from 6:00am to 2:00pm.  So I called all my clients to let them know I wouldn't be in today.

(My "real" job is working as a personal trainer.  I can do that without it being too strenuous, but with no breaks in an 8 hour period, I would have been on my feet ALL day.  I also teach a water aerobics class.  There is generally between 30-40 people in the class, so I don't get in the pool with them or they would never be able to see what they are supposed to be doing or be able to hear me.  That requires me to be on the concrete pool deck doing the exercises.  On land, that is a lot of impact.  So looking ahead, I had already lined up a sub to teach my class for the 2ww.  Working with my regular clients one-on-one won't be a problem generally, but I was nervous about such a full schedule the DAY after my transfer.  I was told the first 3 days are the most important, so I am at home.  Resting.  No complaints about that!)

Now, on to my embarrassing story...

When you go in for an embryo transfer, you are required to go in with a full bladder.  I have what I believe is the smallest bladder in history.  Seriously.  I have about an hour drive to my clinic.  Usually, when I arrive, I can barely get to the elevator out of the parking garage without waddling and making a fool of myself trying not to pee my pants.

For my first IVF, I had to go so badly when I arrived that I did use the restroom before hand, thinking I would only let out a little bit.  I guess I let out too much because I didn't end up going into the appointment with quite a full bladder, but they said it would be okay.  At my clinic, they have you wait on the table for 30 minutes after the transfer, in which you are supposed to relax.  I remember having to pee SO bad and was dying by the end of the 30 minute wait.  I could barely put my pants back on.  But I survived and it was okay.

And then there was yesterday's transfer.  I remembered not quite having that full bladder the last time, so I wanted to make especially sure that I did exactly what I was supposed to this time, especially after it was explained to me on egg retrieval day just how important that full bladder is in order to place the embabies in the uterus properly. 

However, turns out it was a pretty busy day in the IF world and there were several procedures going on that day so they were running late.  I actually got called back only a few minutes after our scheduled time, but then ended up waiting half naked on the table with the lovely paper blanket securely around me.  Hubby got interested in a magazine with a cover story about how to "keep your man hooked."  He thought there might be some good pointers in there for me.  I tried to humor him and took the quiz about sexual fantasies or something like that.  It was one of those magazines like Cosmopolitan that always have silly articles along those lines.  All I could think was, I really have to pee!

The nurse came in and said they had to do another procedure and it would be about 10 minutes.  Would I be able to hold it another 10 minutes?  I told her it wasn't the 10 minutes I was worried about.  It was the 30 minute wait afterward!  She decided to pull the ultrasound wand out and checked my bladder.  She said I followed directions VERY well because I definitely had a full bladder.  She told me I could go let a little bit out, but then come back and take a few sips.

I don't know if it was more painful to just keep holding it, or to let a little out, because it was very difficult to just cut myself off after only a little bit.

About 45 minutes after our scheduled appointment time, the embryologist came in and talked to us about the quality of our embabies.  This took about another 10 minutes.  Because we were unsure about using 2 or 3 embabies, we then needed to talk with Dr. W about our decision and the risks involved if we chose 3 (we chose 2).  While we waited for Dr. W, the nurse let me go pee just a little bit more out because I was so uncomfortable.  Again, it was rather painful to cut myself off, and I was afraid of letting too much out so I was still incredibly uncomfortable.

By the time we actually got to the transfer, it was about 1.5 hours after our scheduled time.  As soon as everybody got all set to do the procedure and they placed the ultrasound wand on my belly, Dr. W immediately said "Wow!  You DO have a really full bladder.  Look how big it is!"

My response?  "That is why I've been telling you guys I REALLY had to pee!"

Dr. W told me I could actually let go of about 2/3rds of my bladder.  Okay.  How the HECK am I supposed to know what 2/3rds is?  So I let myself go a little bit more this time than I had previously.  (TMI, I know)  I wiped, but could still barely stand I had to pee so bad.  So I went some more.  I repeated this 3 times, wondering the whole time, is that 2/3rds?

Back up onto the table I go, feet in stirrups.  Let's get this show on the road.  I still had to pee.  She had a difficult time finding the path to my uterus and went through 4 (FOUR!!) different size/shaped speculums because my cervix apparently sits funny.  This wasn't very pleasant, but whatever it takes to get a baby.  That's been my motto for awhile now.

Finally, we got it done.  The embabies were in my uterus.  I even got a picture of them!  Although they are difficult to see because of the shadow of my very expanded and full bladder.  Haha!

Okay.  I still have to pee REALLY bad!  And this was the START of my 30 minute wait.  The nurse asked me if I could please wait just 5 minutes and she would give me a bedpan.  And then Hubby and I were in the room by ourselves.

My 5 minute wait lasted about 2 seconds.  I was shaking terribly and clenching so hard not to pee myself.  Hubby wasn't quite sure what to do.  I told him I needed a bedpan NOW!  He started to look for one and I told him he just needed to go find the nurse.

He comes back after circling the hallway and not finding anyone (they are in another procedure).  I told him it's too late, I can't hold it anymore!  He leaves and comes back with another nurse, who he found on her lunch break somewhere.

By this point, I have already totally wet my naked self, laying on the table.  Thank God they at least put padding down.  I told her I was really sorry and that I was totally embarrassed but I had already peed what I couldn't hold in anymore.  She then gave me a bedpan so I could fully empty my bladder.

She stepped back and asked me if I needed her to leave the room to give me privacy.  I almost felt like she needed to leave for her own comfort level, but I told her she didn't have to because I was already done!  I couldn't have held it in long enough for her to leave the room!  I was totally embarrassed that I couldn't control myself.  They say there is no shame in being pregnant and giving birth.  Apparently in my case, there is also no shame in GETTING pregnant either.

She took the very FULL bedpan (which she commented on) and gave me a cloth to wipe myself up, took the wet padding from underneath me and placed a blanket under me.  Again, I told her I was so sorry and embarrassed.  She was actually very nice, but that doesn't mean I didn't feel bad.

She told me not to worry about it, that it actually happens all the time.  I suppose that is true, or they wouldn't have bedpans so readily available.  But still.  Did it have to be me?

The nurses (the other one finally came back) explained to Hubby and I that it wasn't possible to pee the embryos out, which was of course on the back of  our minds.  Why else would I need to wait at least the 5 minutes, which I did not make.  She said it was just to let my body relax after the transfer.  I was so TOTALLY NOT relaxed trying to keep from peeing myself!  Ugg. 

Well, hopefully it wasn't as traumatic for the embabies as it was for me.  I know this all probably sounds really stupid, but when you are trying to do absolutely everything exactly the way it's supposed to be done for the MOST success possible....  It's a little stressful when it doesn't go EXACTLY as planned.  I just hope at the end of our 2ww, I don't have to look back on that moment yesterday and think maybe it didn't work because my body was straining so badly that it hurt the embabies, or that maybe I peed them out....

Hopefully, we can just look back at this time and laugh because really, it should be funny.  It would be for any fertile person that could just get pregnant.  But knowing this is our last chance... it doesn't seem so funny right now.  I don't mean to be so dramatic, but that is the truth of it.

13 more days until we know.....