Thursday, December 13, 2012

To Pee, or Not to Pee

To Pee, or Not to Pee.  That WAS the question.

And the answer was:  to pee!

On our first IVF, I refused to do a HPT because the clinic had highly stressed that they did not want us to.  I was a good girl and followed the rules, even though Hubby tried to convince me otherwise.  I wanted to do it right.

Well, this time around, especially after reading so many bloggers talk about their peeing on a stick addiction, I pretty much knew from day one that I wasn't going to hold out this time.  I was able to wait a full week before I broke down and bought a box with 2 tests in it.

Hubby and I talked that night, which was Monday, about when we thought we should do it.  I didn't want to do it too early, as I wanted the test to be as accurate as possible.  So the debate was should we test on Wednesday/Friday or wait till Friday/Sunday?  We decided to compromise and do it on Thursday.


We had the tests in the house.  I broke.  I peed on the stick on Tuesday.  I didn't tell Hubby what I was doing, but after I was done I set it on the counter and left the bathroom.  I went to the living room and asked Hubby to come wait with me on the couch for 2 more minutes.  He was confused.  I told him we had 2 more minutes to wait, and then we would know.  The light bulb went off and we impatiently waited on the couch, telling each other not to take this too seriously and reminding each other that there could be a false-positive or a false-negative.  We didn't want to get over excited if it was positive, and we didn't want to get too depressed if it wasn't.  It still might be too early.  It was only 8dp3dt (8 days post 3 day transfer).

I got the HPT that either says "pregnant" or "not pregnant" in a digital readout.  Very simple.  When we went into the bathroom to look at the test results together, I saw that it said PREGNANT!!!  Hubby couldn't read it.  LOL!  It was sideways on the counter and he didn't know what he was looking for it to say!  So I turned the stick so he could read it better.

He gasped and got tears in his eyes and gave me a gentle hug.  As he was hugging me he said "I need to hug you.  But not too hard."  hahaha!  I laughed because he meant he didn't want to squish me and the baby.  It was really sweet.

And then we reminded each other not to get too excited again.  We still need to wait until Monday the 17th to find out for sure.

Then yesterday, I went to target and bought a different brand that shows either 1 or 2 lines, 2 lines if you are pregnant.  I wanted to compare it to a different brand, to see if it would also say pregnant.  I took that test last night.  It had 2 lines = pregnant.  However, the second line is not as dark.  I'd say it's faint, but it is definitely visible.
I allowed myself to temporarily believe it is actually true and just allowed myself to be happy.  Notice I said temporarily.  Because I have nothing but doubts and questions and worries now.
Was it too early?
Do the medications (PIO and Estrace) I'm on cause an HCG surge that will read as a false-positive?
Is it just a chemical pregnancy like last time?
It's only a faint line, so it can't be real, can it?
While I am SOOOoooooo incredibly happy that we still have hope, I really, really, don't want to set myself up for failure.  I am so thankful that both tests showed a positive, because I was super afraid of seeing "not pregnant."  But I am still afraid.  I think I will still be afraid even on Monday after they tell us we are pregnant.  I'm afraid of a miscarriage.  I'm afraid that by the end of the week, assuming they have me come back for a second beta, that I will find out it was another chemical pregnancy.
I am holding out on doing another test now.  I was going to do it again maybe tomorrow or Saturday, but I'm afraid of that too.  I don't want the stupid pee stick to change it's mind.  For right now, I want to blissfully keep on hoping that it's really true and that we will have it confirmed on Monday.  Maybe blissfully isn't a good word to use.  It's hard to be blissful when you are so full of worry at the same time.  But we are at least hopeful.
I want to be a mom so badly.  I want Hubby to be a daddy.  I know we'd be good parents because we are the BEST Auntie and Uncle.
This 2 week wait is killing me.
Only 4 more days to wait.  Sigh.....


  1. Congratulations on the BFP! My pregnancy tests were really faint at first too. The first was so light I thought it was an evap line (Hubby couldn't even see it). Crossing fingers for strong betas.

    1. I have read a few times that the first few times the line was faint. The whole thing is just a little scary. You want to know the results, but then again, maybe you don't want to know!

      Thank you so much though! It's really reassuring to have you remind me of that. At least our line was visible enough that there was no question! Yay! Maybe I'll let myself be excited again :)

      Thank you! Thank you!

  2. Congrats! Hoping you get a nice strong beta on monday.

    I have to do an hpt before the beta. I don't test until a day or 2 before but I have to know if it's negative beforehand. My husband thinks I shouldn't do it at all but I want to be prepared for that phone call. I figure if it's a false negative I can be pleasantly surprised but I like to keep my hopefulness in check.

    1. Yeah, I wanted to also be able to find out together with my husband, rather than me getting a phone call while he is at work. However, it doesn't make waiting for the actual beta that much easier. I'm still not 100% convinced. I don't know what it's going to take for me to actually believe it's positive.

  3. Yay for a positive!!! I think it's good you are holding out on using another test. Otherwise you might start comparing the darkness of the lines and have doubt. I'm so happy for you!

    1. Thank you! Well, I didn't hold out for long. I did do another one today and of course I compared the lines. This one doesn't seem to be as dark. Not by much, but enough. I just don't know what to think. I'm trying to stay positive, because at least it is a bfp for now!

  4. Ummm.... Our plan..... IT'S HAPPENING! Soooo happy for you!

    1. LOL! It took me only about 5 seconds to remember "our" plan :) Yes, I so hope our plan truly does happen for the BOTH of us!!!

    2. I can not believe your reading my whole blog. I really hope our plan works out too! I really hope its two for both of us. I wanted to say thank you because with wEach comment you make, I read my post... And it's kind of a reminder to how far we've come. I really need to focus on the good right now... So thank you!

    3. Well, you are very welcome! I love going back and reading through your whole blog. How else would I know how far you've come and really get to know you :)

      It's also really nice because some of your concerns/issues mirror my own since you have done embryo adoption and we have used an egg donor. Of course, there are still lots of differences in our stories, but the questions such as what we will tell the child growing up are the same.

  5. Okay, I am back again. Started out smiling and just feeling your happiness and
    how sweet is hubby with the tender hug!!!! But the tears are back again, not
    because of the end result but just reliving all that you went through and the
    emotional roller coaster ride that you had to be on. You really do tell a good
    story and I am just so darn proud of you, my dear sweet niece!!!