Stress

The biggest source of stress in our marriage is typical: money.

Actually, it's the biggest source of stress for my husband, which in turn makes it the biggest source of stress in our marriage.  I hate it.  It seems like he can never be grateful for what we have, and stresses about our retirement constantly.  While I agree with him that we definitely need to plan better for our future, I don't feel it should be at the sacrifice of our happiness today.  One never knows what tomorrow is going to bring.  There are too many instances where a person's life is snatched way too early.  I don't like to dwell on that fact, but the truth is that one of us could die tomorrow, or next week, or next year, and all that worry, stress, and fighting about our future will have wasted the time we have together right now!  I don't see the point in stressing about things instead of just trying to have a positive outlook and being happy with what we have.

Don't get me wrong, I have definitely been shit on plenty in my life.  I have an alcoholic father that lives in Montana that I have hardly seen since I was 5 years old.  My mom is a drug addict, although she has been clean and sober now for over 15 years.  I could write a TON on this, but I won't right now.  In addition to that is our fertility problems.  The point is, that I could spend my life living the woe-is-me attitude, but that is really no way to live.  At least not a happy way to live.

I had been looking forward to yesterday all week.  Hubby and I were going to spend a day Christmas shopping, going to a movie, and shopping for a bed.  We got the majority of our Christmas shopping done for our nieces and nephews and we had a pretty good time shopping for beds.  Hubby has been wanting a new bed for a long time and I finally caved into at least looking at them.  However, we decided we could better put that money into our house right now.  We did enjoy the movie, although it wasn't near as good as we expected it to be.  (We saw Playing for Keeps.  Love Gerard Butler.  I liked the movie, but it was a little slow.  I think Hubby was just bored). 

On our way home, we were talking about the renovations that need to be done on our house.  This led to talking about Hubby wanting to move.  He HATES the commute he has to make 3 times/week for his job, which can take anywhere between 1:15-2:30 depending on the traffic, and that is just one way.  He can't stand the money that we are wasting putting into his gas tank.  And of course this led to him getting very angry about it, which led to us fighting.  (I should clarify that I don't blame him for not liking his commute.  I just don't understand what he wants me to do about it.)

Actually, the only thing I got so upset about was the fact that he got so IRATE with me.  When he gets mad, he totally shuts off.  It was like he was crawling out of his skin and wanted out of the car so bad, and couldn't wait to get home.  When he gets like this, you can't talk to him.  He won't listen, even if he misunderstood what you were trying to say, which is what made him so mad.

I know I'm not completely innocent.  And I have been known to completely lose it myself and throw a temper tantrum, but that has been a very long time.  I'd like to think that I've grown up and realized that things really just aren't worth that.  But of course, last night, I myself got incredibly worked up because HE was so worked up.  Ugg.

I feel really stupid, and I hate to even write about this because I'm sure it doesn't endear myself to you, but I'm using this post as my outlet.  I apologize.  Honestly, it doesn't make me like myself much better either.

One more thing to get off my chest about it.  Later, after we were home and both much calmer, Hubby apologized a few times by saying "I'm sorry that you were so mad at me."  Which I would respond, "I wasn't mad at you, I was hurt that YOU can get so mad at ME and treat me that way."  It's so dumb, but just once I would really appreciate it if he could say he was sorry for being mad at ME, not "I'm sorry you got so mad at me."  It really gets my goat that whenever he apologizes to me, it's for what I've done or felt, not for himself.

Now that I've got all that off my chest, please know that I do love my husband and he is a very good guy.  With flaws.  But I am obviously flawed myself, as we all are in some way.  Hopefully you can read this and know that we are just real people with real issues.  Or maybe you will read this and confirm that we are just crazy and off our rockers.  Sometimes it's hard to not to look into these things and wonder if maybe this is why we haven't been allowed to become parents.

To top all that off, now we both are just incredibly worried that last nights fighting effected our embabies.  I had been doing so good not over doing it or allowing myself to get stressed out about anything.  My blood pressure was through the roof last night.  My heart rates been a little high today as well.  I have felt a little shaky.  That might just be due to the emotional evening, but I worry.  We still have 8 more days before the blood pregnancy test.

I have done absolutely nothing today but lay around, taking naps and watching Hallmark Christmas movies.  I have bawled twice today watching these movies.  Nothing like a good Hallmark movie and hormones to make you emotional, which I am sure contributed to me over-reacting last night too.

8 more days to wait.  I just pray that we get the good news we want and have been waiting for 13 years to get.