Today I am 5 weeks, 5 days. I am finding it very difficult not to be fearful. We have our first ultrasound on Dec. 31st and I am fearful that there will be no heartbeat. I am fearful that if there is one, that we won't make it to the second trimester. I am fearful that if we do make it to the second trimester that we won't make it much beyond that. I am fearful....
We have been trying to get pregnant and start our family for so long (13 years) that it just seems so unreal that I actually am pregnant, despite what the pee sticks say and the beta test confirmed. While I am SO very excited, I am finding it difficult to be attached to the baby growing inside of me. I have read a few other blogs of women very close to me in their pregnancies and how much they are so in love with their little one already. It's hard for me to feel that way when I hardly even feel pregnant.
I've been spending a lot of time praying each day and trying to lay my burdens down, giving my fears over to God. Even though I mean it every time I pray, it is still hard for my heart to let go of those fears.
I enjoyed participating in ICLW last month, and for the most part I have enjoyed it this month as well. I have found some new blogs that I really enjoy. However, it has also been difficult to read the blogs dealing with loss/miscarriage. I am afraid of following in those footsteps. I found a blog the other day, Life is Hard, about their stillborn son born at 22 weeks. I read almost her entire blog. My heart went out to her and her family. I can't imagine the pain of making it to just over the half way point in my pregnancy and then losing my baby.
I would like to be excited about being pregnant, but the fear makes it a challenge. It also makes it hard to believe that we will actually get our take home baby at the end of all this. Maybe after we see the heartbeat on Monday, I will feel better about things. Maybe.
I do have my moments of being excited. I loved the fact that Hubby gave me our baby's first outfit for Christmas. He was doing his Christmas shopping, but stopped to look at the baby clothes. He said he just couldn't resist getting this little outfit because it was "just too perfect!" Remember, we are softball coaches, so this outfit really could not have been any more fitting - whether we have a boy OR a girl.
I absolutely love the fact that he couldn't resist. I love the fact that he was looking at baby stuff in the stores. He is so excited, and I am so glad. Hopefully his excitement will rub off on me.