I just got back from a much needed walk. It was just going to be a short walk because I wasn't feeling it at all. I just knew that I needed to get out and get moving. I have gained 16 pounds since my miscarriage! Ouch!! I am not even remotely kidding about that either. I have literally been drowning myself in food and I need to get past that. I am a personal trainer for Pete's sake! I know better, but it doesn't mean I am always able to follow my own advice.
I am totally out of shape and it's time I changed that so I can get ready for our FET in May. For additional motivation, I have committed myself to doing a 10k in early May with a friend. That gives me a little less than 2 months to get ready for the race, and a little more than 2 months for the FET. I'm starting slow with walking to begin with because I am prone to shin splints.
I really didn't want to go for a walk today, but knew I needed to. I told my husband as I was leaving that it was just going to be a short one. I put my tennis shoes and my headphones on, and out the door I went. Once I started walking, I escaped into the music and my thoughts. A little down the road, I felt my eyes starting to get watery. Then they started to leak. I passed the turn off I had planned to take for the short route and just kept on walking.
I was thinking about the upcoming "Prom Talk" I would be giving to my softball team. Since I coach a Spring sport, Prom always falls during our season. I am well known for the prom talk I give every year, taking the opportunity to mentor my girls on sex, drugs and alcohol, and driving safely. I've had non softball parents ask me if they could send their daughters to hear my prom talk, lol.
As I walked, I thought back to when I was a dumb teenage girl that thought I knew everything. I've had sex with two guys in my lifetime, my husband, and my high school boyfriend of 2 years. I really thought I was "in love" with my h.s. boyfriend and was convinced this was the guy I would marry, even though he was a major loser. Seriously. I have no idea what I was thinking, other than the fact that my home life sucked because my mom was using drugs and brought her ex-convict 21 year old boyfriend home to live with us.
Some may laugh because my sexual partners only number two. I know that is not a big number. However, for me, that is one too many. I am so incredibly lucky that I did not get pregnant in high school. I didn't use birth control until AFTER we had done the deed a few times. My loser boyfriend told me it would be okay because he would pull out. I didn't necessarily believe him, but I eventually caved anyway. It wasn't much later that I started taking the pill.
If I had gotten pregnant, I don't know what I would have done. It is never easy for a teenage girl, but I didn't exactly have an ideal home life. My mom was on drugs. I lived with friends, with my boyfriend, and sometimes with my Grandparents during that time. I shudder at the thought that I could have actually married that guy. He was a high school dropout. He cheated. I'm pretty sure he smoked pot. He hid most of this from me and I was too naive to figure it out. If I had gotten pregnant during that time, I seriously doubt if I would have been able to pull myself out of the hole I was digging. I maybe wouldn't have graduated high school. I know I wouldn't have been able to go to college. Not only am I lucky that I didn't get pregnant, but I am lucky I didn't end up with any STD's.
I met my husband at the start of my freshman year of college. In fact, it was the very first week of college! A few months later, we had sex. You'd think I would have learned, but again, it was unprotected the first time. And again, I was lucky enough not to get pregnant. We dated for 5 years before we got married.
I sometimes wonder if God made it impossible for me to get pregnant because he was protecting me during those high school and college years, and unfortunately it just carried over into married life. The thought also crosses my mind that maybe I can't get pregnant because it is punishment for those stupid decisions I made in my youth.
The thing is, I KNOW I'm a good person. Some might even call me a goody tooshoo. I was a good kid growing up too. The worst things I ever did was have sex with both of my long term boyfriends (one of which became my husband of 15 years so far) and I TP'd people's houses. I was known as the TP Queen in high school. My friends and I had a lot of fun with that. That is it though. I have never even so much as smoked a cigarette, let alone done any drugs. I saw enough of that from my parents to know that was NOT want I wanted out of my life. The first time I ever went to a party in college, I called my Grandparents to let them know there was a chance I might drink alcohol (my family still laughs about that). I just had the mentality that if I was hiding something, I probably shouldn't be doing it.
I have regrets. I think everyone does. I've been thinking about how I can use these experiences to best mentor my softball girls. I know some of them will do their own thing regardless of what I say, but if I can help even just a few of them avoid future regrets.....
I don't think it's possible to have the slightest bit of self-awareness and not ever have any regrets ... the best we can do with them is to learn and to try to share that with others. And to that end, it sounds like you're a wonderful role model.
ReplyDelete(And I have to know: did you only TP or did you fork people's lawns too?!)
haha! We just TP'd. However, we used a LOT of toilet paper! The amazing thing is I never, ever had anyone get me back. Maybe it was because I lived with my Grandparents my Junior and Senior year and they had too much respect for them. I don't know, but the only time I ever had to clean up tp was when we got caught once.
DeleteI know you already know this, but none of what you're experiencing now is any kind of 'punishment' for anything you could have done before. No one deserves this. You certainly don't. I think that our pasts are there to help us be better people in the present and future, and you are obviously doing that not only for yourself but for others too. You should be proud! Happy training for the 10k, very impressive!
ReplyDeleteI do know that, although it is hard sometimes not to wonder.... I do try to use my experiences to hopefully help others. Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot.
DeleteIt's remarkable to look back on our pasts and wonder how things would be different if we had made different choices or our luck had turned out differently. I think maybe one of the reasons that you're so famous for your prom talk is because you've been right where a lot of those girls are and made the wrong choices, and you can see how lucky you were but can tell them they might not be so lucky. I think they're lucky to have you as a coach and mentor, though!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! If I can help them avoid some of the same mistakes, then I've done my job.
DeleteI was thinking exactly the same thing as Sadie said, you know you are not being punished for anything you have done. God is a forgiving God and he knows what is best for us. You are an incredibly great example to those young girls :) You should be so proud of where you are from where you came.
ReplyDeleteI do know that, but it is hard not to let your mind wander down that road sometimes. Thank you so much for your kind words. I truly appreciate them.
DeleteIt's such a good feeling to be out in the fresh air and just let your feelings go. I had a good cry this weekend too. It's good to release those tears, and sometimes release pent up emotions too.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like a strong, inspiring woman and I know your children will be lucky to have you as a Mom
It almost always feels so much better once you just get moving! It was nice to just be able to spend time with my own thoughts for a little bit. I hope your own good cry had some healing power for you. I am super excited for you as you are getting ready for your IVF #2. I am looking forward to seeing those Cancun pictures too!
DeleteI wish I had someone like you around to give me a "prom talk". I also had unprotected sex in high school and feel so incredibly lucky that I didn't end up pregnant in high school. Seriously, I was smarter than that. I was also sort of a goody tooshoos. Probably still am. I tried pot once. Never smoked cigarettes. I would drink at parties (the rare ones I went to) but never got drunk. I was always too afraid because I saw what drugs and alcohol could do to people. I look back and regret some of the choices I made but then I realize I might not be here with my husband if I had taken a different path. So I have to be happy that whatever choices I made led me here. All you can do is use your experiences to help others along the way.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. I know it's terrible, but it's nice to know I wasn't the only one to make those dumb mistakes. The problem is, I don't think it's that rare unfortunately. I think everyone has things they wish they could go back and do over again, but you are right, those mistakes make us who we are today.
DeleteI needed your prom talk as well. I definitely was much more wild in my teens/early twenty than you. I don't have any regrets about the choices I made because I wouldn't be the person am I today without them. Who knows how much different decisions could have changed your life. No use having regrets. Also, there's nothing you did to deserve infertility, it's just really crappy luck.
ReplyDeleteI've been wondering if regret is the wrong word to use, because I definitely appreciate who I am today as a result of the things in my growing up years. However, at the end of the day, I do still wish some things were different. Maybe regret is too harsh a word, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't regret a few things. I don't really spend very much time thinking about those things. Hardly at all actually, as it seems like a totally different lifetime, or person, when I think back to those years. And yes, it really is just crappy luck! Thank you for commenting. It's so nice to help get perspective from others.
Deletethis is such a beautiful vulnerable post. thank you for sharing. walks help the mind settle. you give me so much to the kids on your team. they will remember you forever
ReplyDeleteThanks! I do feel like I give a lot to my team. I give them my heart! I love those girls and I am so blessed that I get to share this smart part in their lives. I hope that I do make an impact on them, but it's hard to tell sometimes.
DeleteThis is a really great post for so many reasons. First of all, good for you for seeing your relationship with your team as an opportunity to mentor. I'm sure they will be so grateful for it someday (if they aren't already). Also, I think what you said about infertility being punishment/protection from God is such a common thought. I know that people have lots of different takes on this issue, but I STRONGLY believe that infertility has nothing to do with punishment or protection. First of all, think about all of those girls who get pregnant outside of marriage. And secondly, God is way too smart to just forget that He made you infertile for your protection years ago and let it carry over into your marriage. I wish you peace, wisdom, and comfort on this super tough, long journey.
ReplyDeleteI strongly agree with you that God wouldn't use infertility. I know He doesn't work that way, as everything is forgivable. It doesn't stop me from having the thought from crossing my mind occasionally though. As for protection, I'm not sure, but I do like your comment that God is way to smart to forget about making me infertile years ago. I do appreciate your thought provoking words. Thank you so much.
DeleteYou are not being punished with infertility for the decisions you made when you were young and dumb. We all do stupid things when we're young (and sometimes when we're older and should know better.) Infertility sucks and it's not fair that anyone has to deal with it, but it is NOT a punishment from God. It's the crappy hand that some women draw. Unfortunately, you also got the crappy loss hand which just adds to the suckiness of it all and I'm so sorry you've been hit with a double whammy.
ReplyDeleteI know I could have used your prom talk back in high school or a coach who cared enough to give me one. I'm glad to know your softball girls have you.
We all have regrets, but they're also lessons we learn something from, even if the lesson comes years later. Those regrets help make us who we are today and while we wish we could have done things differently, I think we also appreciate that we know who we are now because of them.
I intellectually know that it is not punishment, but it's easy to think that way sometimes. I could have used the prom talk when I was younger too! The thing is that I even knew better at the time, but was still dumb :) oh well. Now I can just use those experiences to hopefully help others.
DeleteAwww, Amber! I have to say, nothing that you said in this post was new to me and I have never felt that you should have regretted those times. It's called growing up for a reason and to learn and grow up, we have to make mistakes. And sometimes, we even make mistakes when we are "OLD"!!! It's life! But you my dear have ALWAYS been
ReplyDeleteloved and liked for the person that you were and are!!!! And I don't think there is a person that has walked along your path with you would say anything different!!!
Auntie