I just got back from a much needed walk. It was just going to be a short walk because I wasn't feeling it at all. I just knew that I needed to get out and get moving. I have gained 16 pounds since my miscarriage! Ouch!! I am not even remotely kidding about that either. I have literally been drowning myself in food and I need to get past that. I am a personal trainer for Pete's sake! I know better, but it doesn't mean I am always able to follow my own advice.
I am totally out of shape and it's time I changed that so I can get ready for our FET in May. For additional motivation, I have committed myself to doing a 10k in early May with a friend. That gives me a little less than 2 months to get ready for the race, and a little more than 2 months for the FET. I'm starting slow with walking to begin with because I am prone to shin splints.
I really didn't want to go for a walk today, but knew I needed to. I told my husband as I was leaving that it was just going to be a short one. I put my tennis shoes and my headphones on, and out the door I went. Once I started walking, I escaped into the music and my thoughts. A little down the road, I felt my eyes starting to get watery. Then they started to leak. I passed the turn off I had planned to take for the short route and just kept on walking.
I was thinking about the upcoming "Prom Talk" I would be giving to my softball team. Since I coach a Spring sport, Prom always falls during our season. I am well known for the prom talk I give every year, taking the opportunity to mentor my girls on sex, drugs and alcohol, and driving safely. I've had non softball parents ask me if they could send their daughters to hear my prom talk, lol.
As I walked, I thought back to when I was a dumb teenage girl that thought I knew everything. I've had sex with two guys in my lifetime, my husband, and my high school boyfriend of 2 years. I really thought I was "in love" with my h.s. boyfriend and was convinced this was the guy I would marry, even though he was a major loser. Seriously. I have no idea what I was thinking, other than the fact that my home life sucked because my mom was using drugs and brought her ex-convict 21 year old boyfriend home to live with us.
Some may laugh because my sexual partners only number two. I know that is not a big number. However, for me, that is one too many. I am so incredibly lucky that I did not get pregnant in high school. I didn't use birth control until AFTER we had done the deed a few times. My loser boyfriend told me it would be okay because he would pull out. I didn't necessarily believe him, but I eventually caved anyway. It wasn't much later that I started taking the pill.
If I had gotten pregnant, I don't know what I would have done. It is never easy for a teenage girl, but I didn't exactly have an ideal home life. My mom was on drugs. I lived with friends, with my boyfriend, and sometimes with my Grandparents during that time. I shudder at the thought that I could have actually married that guy. He was a high school dropout. He cheated. I'm pretty sure he smoked pot. He hid most of this from me and I was too naive to figure it out. If I had gotten pregnant during that time, I seriously doubt if I would have been able to pull myself out of the hole I was digging. I maybe wouldn't have graduated high school. I know I wouldn't have been able to go to college. Not only am I lucky that I didn't get pregnant, but I am lucky I didn't end up with any STD's.
I met my husband at the start of my freshman year of college. In fact, it was the very first week of college! A few months later, we had sex. You'd think I would have learned, but again, it was unprotected the first time. And again, I was lucky enough not to get pregnant. We dated for 5 years before we got married.
I sometimes wonder if God made it impossible for me to get pregnant because he was protecting me during those high school and college years, and unfortunately it just carried over into married life. The thought also crosses my mind that maybe I can't get pregnant because it is punishment for those stupid decisions I made in my youth.
The thing is, I KNOW I'm a good person. Some might even call me a goody tooshoo. I was a good kid growing up too. The worst things I ever did was have sex with both of my long term boyfriends (one of which became my husband of 15 years so far) and I TP'd people's houses. I was known as the TP Queen in high school. My friends and I had a lot of fun with that. That is it though. I have never even so much as smoked a cigarette, let alone done any drugs. I saw enough of that from my parents to know that was NOT want I wanted out of my life. The first time I ever went to a party in college, I called my Grandparents to let them know there was a chance I might drink alcohol (my family still laughs about that). I just had the mentality that if I was hiding something, I probably shouldn't be doing it.
I have regrets. I think everyone does. I've been thinking about how I can use these experiences to best mentor my softball girls. I know some of them will do their own thing regardless of what I say, but if I can help even just a few of them avoid future regrets.....