I try to avoid debates in politics and religion as much as possible. I just don't feel educated enough to back up my beliefs and opinions in either topic. Those subjects also tend to get heated. While I don't mind a healthy discussion and am open to hearing the other side, I absolutely abhor the arguments and hurt feelings that often come about. With that said, I'm also not going to deny what my beliefs and opinions are either. Those things make up who I am, so I will write about them occasionally.
It seems that every time I go to church, at least in the past year, my emotions tend to ride the surface and I find myself getting teary eyed at some point. I feel like I am totally in a good place right now regarding my infertility and recent miscarriage. I have never had a problem with going to baby showers, being around pregnant women, or babies. I have never been one to get all upset in those situations. I do sometimes feel a pang in my heart, but I cannot expect women to stop getting pregnant and babies not to be born. Truthfully, I don't WANT to stop seeing those things. I think pregnant women are beautiful and I cannot imagine my life without the cuteness of babies.
I've been seeing a lot of pregnant bellies lately. They just keep popping up in my every day life. I've seen three very obviously pregnant girls (that I don't know) in the last few days, two of them at church yesterday. That doesn't bother me, but it does make me wonder how I would look as a pregnant women. Would I be showing by now if I hadn't had a miscarriage? My sister is now 13 weeks and she isn't showing yet.
While I was in church yesterday singing my little heart out, there was a mom in front of me holding her little baby girl. This little girl was very entertained by me for some reason. She gave me the biggest smiles and seemed to think I was the funniest thing in the world. My heart melted for this little girl. I got all emotional and could hardly sing. In that moment I thought God may not, and may never, bless me with my own baby, but He has blessed me with so many others. How could I not just appreciate the fact that in those few minutes in church, I got to make faces and entertain this beautiful baby girl? In that moment, there was no doubt that she was focused on me, a total stranger.
Over the weekend, Hubby and I got to spend time with 4 of our 6 nieces and nephews. There truly is nothing better in this world than loving on those kids. It is such an awesome, amazing experience to be those kids Auntie Amber and Uncle Tony. Every single time they see us, as soon as we come into their eyesight, they abandon whatever they are doing and run to us shouting "Auntie Amber! Uncle Tony!" and jump in our arms for great big hugs. I honestly can't think of anything else that has ever made me feel so loved and important. I've written about these most important kids in our life in a post titled Other People's Babies if you'd like to read more.
I can't help but feel blessed. I sometimes question if there really is a God. It's hard to believe in something you can't see. It's also hard not to question a God that would allow such awful things in this world, such as natural disasters, war, school shootings....I don't have an answer for that. I don't have an answer for why Hubby and I are infertile. However, I do find it much more hopeful to believe. It provides me so much more peace to believe in heaven. That there is something better for us one day. He provided no promises for us here on Earth. The Bible doesn't say things will be easy. What I DO know beyond a shadow of a doubt though, is that it is so much more HOPEFUL to believe in a God that loves me. It is so much more reassuring to believe that there is something more for me after my life here on Earth. I like to think that someday I will be reunited with my loved ones. I like to think that someday I will have answers to these hard questions and to know what God's plan is for me. I DO believe in God.
When I read in my Bible, and every time I go to church, I just feel so much more hopeful in my life. I feel more at peace and ready to accept whatever is in store for me. I left church yesterday with a feeling of wanting to be a better person. Not that I'm a bad person by any stretch of the imagination. I just left with a feeling of wanting to be less stressed, wanting to handle things with more grace, to be more accepting of others, to be more forgiving and not so easily angered. Isn't that better than feeling bogged down by life and stressed out about everything? I've always believed that happiness is a choice. It is by no means an easy choice, but we do get to decide how we respond to things.
Back in August, when we were deciding what our next step would be after our cancelled IVF #2, I spent a lot of time praying for direction. We didn't know if we should move forward with another IVF attempt, be done altogether, or use donor eggs. I prayed a lot. One day, I was praying while driving down the road, asking what we should do next. I had an overwhelming feeling that God told me "one more time. Just one more time." That is the only time I have ever "heard" God answer me, or speak to me in any way. So, we moved forward with our one more time, and we opted to use my sister's eggs for this last attempt at a baby of our own. I never told anyone about that conversation I had with God. Not my husband, not my sister, nobody. How could I be sure it was real? But it was plainly stuck in my head. One more time.
After our miscarriage, I was really conflicted and angry. I didn't know what to think. How could God give me such a clear message, and then take it away? On the evening of my D&C, Hubby and I met with our pastor. We needed a little counseling in our grief and it turned out to be the best thing we could have done. Pastor didn't try to explain why God allows things to happen. He shared some pretty tragic things that had happened in his life, and how his family got past them. He listened. I told him about my experience with God telling me "one more time." His response was just what I needed. He said "first of all, that is awesome that God spoke to you!" He affirmed that I wasn't crazy. Who knows what that one more time meant. Maybe our experience happened so that we could help someone else going through the same thing. Maybe that one more time includes our upcoming FET and THAT will be our take home baby.
Maybe our one more time was that we got to experience being pregnant in the first place. We got to hear our little one's heartbeat together. We got to talk about baby names and planning our nursery. We had the amazing experience of sharing our pregnancy announcement with Hubby's parents.
I choose to look at the bright side. I choose to believe in a loving God that has a plan for us. I don't know what that plan is and I honestly may never know what that plan is while I'm a living, breathing human being, but I find it much more hopeful to think that one day God's plan WILL be revealed.
And if I am wrong? What have I lost by believing? If there is nothing for me on the other side, I won't know the difference anyway.