Monday, March 18, 2013

Choosing the Bright Side

I try to avoid debates in politics and religion as much as possible.  I just don't feel educated enough to back up my beliefs and opinions in either topic.  Those subjects also tend to get heated.  While I don't mind a healthy discussion and am open to hearing the other side, I absolutely abhor the arguments and hurt feelings that often come about.  With that said, I'm also not going to deny what my beliefs and opinions are either.  Those things make up who I am, so I will write about them occasionally.

It seems that every time I go to church, at least in the past year, my emotions tend to ride the surface and I find myself getting teary eyed at some point.  I feel like I am totally in a good place right now regarding my infertility and recent miscarriage.  I have never had a problem with going to baby showers, being around pregnant women, or babies.  I have never been one to get all upset in those situations.  I do sometimes feel a pang in my heart, but I cannot expect women to stop getting pregnant and babies not to be born.  Truthfully, I don't WANT to stop seeing those things.  I think pregnant women are beautiful and I cannot imagine my life without the cuteness of babies.

I've been seeing a lot of pregnant bellies lately.  They just keep popping up in my every day life.  I've seen three very obviously pregnant girls (that I don't know) in the last few days, two of them at church yesterday.  That doesn't bother me, but it does make me wonder how I would look as a pregnant women.  Would I be showing by now if I hadn't had a miscarriage?  My sister is now 13 weeks and she isn't showing yet.

While I was in church yesterday singing my little heart out, there was a mom in front of me holding her little baby girl.  This little girl was very entertained by me for some reason.  She gave me the biggest smiles and seemed to think I was the funniest thing in the world.  My heart melted for this little girl.  I got all emotional and could hardly sing.  In that moment I thought God may not, and may never, bless me with my own baby, but He has blessed me with so many others.  How could I not just appreciate the fact that in those few minutes in church, I got to make faces and entertain this beautiful baby girl?  In that moment, there was no doubt that she was focused on me, a total stranger.

Over the weekend, Hubby and I got to spend time with 4 of our 6 nieces and nephews.  There truly is nothing better in this world than loving on those kids.  It is such an awesome, amazing experience to be those kids Auntie Amber and Uncle Tony.  Every single time they see us, as soon as we come into their eyesight, they abandon whatever they are doing and run to us shouting "Auntie Amber!  Uncle Tony!" and jump in our arms for great big hugs.  I honestly can't think of anything else that has ever made me feel so loved and important.  I've written about these most important kids in our life in a post titled Other People's Babies if you'd like to read more.

I can't help but feel blessed.  I sometimes question if there really is a God.  It's hard to believe in something you can't see.  It's also hard not to question a God that would allow such awful things in this world, such as natural disasters, war, school shootings....I don't have an answer for that.  I don't have an answer for why Hubby and I are infertile.  However, I do find it much more hopeful to believe.  It provides me so much more peace to believe in heaven.  That there is something better for us one day.  He provided no promises for us here on Earth.  The Bible doesn't say things will be easy.  What I DO know beyond a shadow of a doubt though, is that it is so much more HOPEFUL to believe in a God that loves me.  It is so much more reassuring to believe that there is something more for me after my life here on Earth.  I like to think that someday I will be reunited with my loved ones.  I like to think that someday I will have answers to these hard questions and to know what God's plan is for me.  I DO believe in God.

When I read in my Bible, and every time I go to church, I just feel so much more hopeful in my life.  I feel more at peace and ready to accept whatever is in store for me.  I left church yesterday with a feeling of wanting to be a better person.  Not that I'm a bad person by any stretch of the imagination.  I just left with a feeling of wanting to be less stressed, wanting to handle things with more grace, to be more accepting of others, to be more forgiving and not so easily angered.  Isn't that better than feeling bogged down by life and stressed out about everything?  I've always believed that happiness is a choice.  It is by no means an easy choice, but we do get to decide how we respond to things.

Back in August, when we were deciding what our next step would be after our cancelled IVF #2, I spent a lot of time praying for direction.  We didn't know if we should move forward with another IVF attempt, be done altogether, or use donor eggs.  I prayed a lot.  One day, I was praying while driving down the road, asking what we should do next.  I had an overwhelming feeling that God told me "one more time.  Just one more time."  That is the only time I have ever "heard" God answer me, or speak to me in any way.  So, we moved forward with our one more time, and we opted to use my sister's eggs for this last attempt at a baby of our own.  I never told anyone about that conversation I had with God.  Not my husband, not my sister, nobody.  How could I be sure it was real? But it was plainly stuck in my head.  One more time.

After our miscarriage, I was really conflicted and angry.  I didn't know what to think.  How could God give me such a clear message, and then take it away?  On the evening of my D&C, Hubby and I met with our pastor.  We needed a little counseling in our grief and it turned out to be the best thing we could have done.  Pastor didn't try to explain why God allows things to happen.  He shared some pretty tragic things that had happened in his life, and how his family got past them.  He listened.  I told him about my experience with God telling me "one more time."  His response was just what I needed.  He said "first of all, that is awesome that God spoke to you!"  He affirmed that I wasn't crazy.  Who knows what that one more time meant.  Maybe our experience happened so that we could help someone else going through the same thing.  Maybe that one more time includes our upcoming FET and THAT will be our take home baby.

Maybe our one more time was that we got to experience being pregnant in the first place.  We got to hear our little one's heartbeat together.  We got to talk about baby names and planning our nursery.  We had the amazing experience of sharing our pregnancy announcement with Hubby's parents.

I choose to look at the bright side.  I choose to believe in a loving God that has a plan for us.  I don't know what that plan is and I honestly may never know what that plan is while I'm a living, breathing human being, but I find it much more hopeful to think that one day God's plan WILL be revealed.

And if I am wrong?  What have I lost by believing?  If there is nothing for me on the other side, I won't know the difference anyway.

24 comments:

  1. I honestly don't think there is a right or wrong way to believe. Whatever it takes to get us through and keep us going. I know with me that positive thinking has helped me out of some pretty dark places.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't deny that sometimes it's difficult to see the positive in things, but I can't imagine spending my life being miserable. T, your positive words and encouragement to others speaks highly of you. I have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for you and what you have overcome.

      Delete
  2. My thoughts exactly :) I'd rather choose to have my belief in God and know that he knows what's best for us even if we can't see it at this very moment. I also believe he has brought all of us IF bloggers together to help support each other and I am so thankful every day for this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I adore the friends I have made in the blogging community and am also very thankful for the support we have in each other. Thank you so much for being a bloggy friend!

      Delete
  3. You did it again! This post left my eyes wet, my heart full and my face smiling. I love your outlook on everything. I love that you beleive and have hope. I love that you are you!
    I pray that you get your BFP and that God hears our prayers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What an incredibly nice thing to say! Awww, that means so much and thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so glad that I get to call you a friend! I pray for the same thing for you Teresa!

      Delete
  4. Amber, this is such a heartfelt post and I felt myself nodding along with this. I have stopped questioning why God will give some women babies and not others. I think it's just as you said, that we may never know what the plan is, but we just simply chose to believe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Risa. I've come to the conclusion that it really just isn't fair, and that we will probably never understand. But maybe someday we will know the answer...

      Delete
  5. This is truly a beautiful post. You are so strong in your belief, which something that I admire. I believe there is a plan for you, too. I have such a good feeling about you and your future!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! I hope that good feeling is right! :)

      Delete
  6. I don't know how I would have made it through the last couple of years without my faith. Some days it was the only thing that kept me going.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And now look! You have a beautiful baby boy!

      Delete
  7. Such a great post. Sometimes all you can do is rely on hope that things will work out the way they are supposed to. Hugs!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hope gives us something to hold on to :)

      Delete
  8. I love this post and your positive attitude, Amber. It feels so much better to focus on the blessings. Church used to make me very emotional too. I can always tell whether I'm in a good place by how many time I have to fight back tears in church.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jessah! You are like the Queen of positive thinking to me, so that means a lot! :)

      Delete
  9. this is a great post! thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank YOU for taking the time to read it :)

      Delete
  10. Wow thank you so much for this post! This is why you are my favourite blogger, I always feel like I can relate so much to what you say and you inspire to be a strong, positive person.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww, wow! That might be one of the nicest compliments I've ever heard. Thank you sooooo much! I feel extremely honored to be your favourite blogger. I always feel the same when I read your blog as well. Maybe that is why we connect - we are both strong women and try to see the positive in things! I'm thinking about you so much right now, knowing you are in Cancun and beginning your IVF #2. Good luck!!!!!

      Delete
  11. Your positive attitude after everything you've been through is inspiring. HUGS!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Stasy! Big squeezy hugs right back at ya!

      Delete
  12. I love your last little paragraph...so true! What do we have to lose? Not much. What do we have to gain? Everything.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This Amber is why we love you!!!! And this is why I will send any of the kids in our family that need a hero to you! Auntie

    ReplyDelete