Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Other People's Babies

My last post was about different pregnancy announcements that have had the most impact on my life.  Like everyone else, I also see new pregnancy and birth announcements on facebook all the time, in addition to others around me having babies.  I have read numerous blog posts about how hard it is for infertile to see this stuff on facebook, or how they can't be around babies or pregnant women.  While I do understand this to a certain degree, I have to say I don't feel the same way. 

Today I read a post about a gal who's best friend is pregnant.  This gal has had to distance herself from her best friend.  I've also read about others who have chosen to un-friend people on facebook so they don't have to see their gushy baby pictures or read about pregnancies.

As someone that has been trying to get pregnant for 13 years, and who has recently experienced my first pregnancy only to miscarry at 9 weeks, 5 days, I do understand that it can be hard.  I just don't feel like I need that separation from anything baby related.  Please don't take that the wrong way though.  Each person reacts differently and feels things differently.  I'm just sharing how I personally feel about seeing others pregnant and having babies.

It's actually very difficult for me to put it all into words.  I've been formulating this post for a long time in my head.  Now to put it in print...  First, I do get rather ticked off when I see someone that should NOT have children get pregnant.  I'm not THAT immune!  My mother being one.  But then, I wouldn't have my brother if she hadn't had him.  Second, I'd be lying if I didn't admit to feeling envy when I see or hear of people getting pregnant or having babies.  My heart hurts for myself and my husband that we can't have them ourselves.

However, I think it would be such an injustice to not allow myself to be happy for my friends and family when they have babies.  It would be an injustice to myself and it would be an injustice to them.  These are the people I am supposed to love and care about.  I would not ever wish my infertile problems on them.  Are they supposed to not have kids because I can't?  What kind of thinking is that?  I could let myself feel sorry for myself (which I do at times) or I can work on being happy for them and the fact that they are giving me babies to love on.  There is NOTHING in this world more awesome than loving and cuddling with a baby.  It is my absolutely favorite thing to do.  If my friends and family didn't have their kids, or if I chose to stay away and distance myself from them when they do have them, I would not get the opportunity to love on those babies.

Hubby and I have 3 nieces and 3 nephews, and another one on the way.  They mean the WORLD to us!  And you know what?  I know we are pretty special to those kids too.  If we chose to stay away from them, because we let ourselves feel the pain too much because they aren't OURS, we would not have the special bond with them that we do.  I feel pretty damn lucky that we have these kids in our life.  I feel pretty damn lucky that I've been given the opportunity to witness 2 of their births.

So, to introduce to you the most important, precious babies in our life:


My sister's kids: Steven 2 1/2 years, Nathanial 13 months, Eliana 7
My brother's boy on the far right: Urijah 23 months
Hubby's brother's kids: JayCee 3, Jade 5
Without these kids in our life, we wouldn't have these moments:
 
 
 

 



 
 
 
Now you've seen a snapshot of my life.  Now you know what Hubby and I look like.  And you've seen our kids.  Okay, not OUR kids, but these are the babies we love.

Of course I still want my own baby(s).  More than anything I want my own.  I want to be able to love and kiss on my own babies any time I want to, not just when their parents allow us too, or when we have time to go see them.  Sometimes my heart aches when I am around my nieces and nephews because I would love to give them cousins.  I just don't allow an all consuming overwhelming sadness to take over, one that doesn't allow me to be the best Auntie I can be.
 
The same applies to my friends and their babies.  It might be bittersweet, and there may be a sense of sadness, but I will never allow it to interfere with my happiness for them.  I will never let it keep me from loving on their babies when they let me.
 
If I let my sadness and my grief over not being a mommy myself keep me from seeing these kids, I would be missing out on SO MUCH love.  I have so much love to give.  And you know what else?  Those kids also love me.  I would be missing out on the love that they have to share with me.

26 comments:

  1. Ahh I admire you. Obviously I never wish my experience on anyone. But sometimes I am bitter and jealous. Yesterday one of my best friends from college emailed me that she is pregnant. She is married and has a job and blah blah, but it was not exactly planned. And I am bitter and jealous.

    You ask "Are they supposed to not have kids because I can't? What kind of thinking is that?" and unfortunately, I can tell you that sometimes my thinking goes there! Its not that I want people to be infertile, its just that I want them to WAIT FOR ME TO CATCH UP! Lol! I know it is totally irrational. I admit it.

    I am glad that you posted because you are at a place that i really admire and hope I will be able to emulate.

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  2. Believe me, I've spent plenty of time feeling sorry for myself and shed many tears. I was upset just this last Saturday when my sister told me she's pregnant. I just forced myself to get over it quickly. I find it to be so much easier on my emotions and my own personal happiness and well being, to make a conscious effect to find a way to be happy for them - to find the blessing in things.

    If everyone waited for me to catch up to them, nobody would have any kids! Lol! I never felt old until the last couple years. I mean really, 38 is NOT old!! But in the baby making world, it is.

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  3. Ohhhhhh what a lovely post!!!
    There are times that I have to step away from others' joy, but it's not because I don't want them to have it, it just makes me sad for a short period for my circumstance. This has not happened with close friends or relatives.
    I did have one friend that was douchey to me that I finally let myself say "hey it's not the baby I'm running away from, it's her." (Given the fact that even our fertile friends got away from her, I feel confident in my decision.)

    I understand both sides of the coin. If you know your limits, then that is your best guide.

    Simply adore this post! Hopefully people aren't missing out on the happiness of family and close friends.

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    1. Thank you! I worried about how this post would come across, so it is nice to know you liked it. It's not always easy to be happy for other people when you are so sad for yourself, but it truly is a better place to be.

      Sorry to hear about your douchy friend. Sometimes there really are just certain people you shouldn't be around. That is her loss!

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  4. Such a great outlook to have!

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  5. I love this post. I think that infertiles go through stages of grief - the final stage being acceptance. Accepting you are infertile and others are not doesn't mean you are surrendering in any way - I think it just means you're able to say "I have this disease. I won't let it rule my life. I can still appreciate the people and things around me." I'm sure it gets hard at times. Everyone goes through periods of "why me?" but it's important to still be able to find selfless happiness for others.

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  6. I think this is a great post. I know for me, being around my niece is the most awesome thing in the world and quite ironically it makes me forget about infertility for a while. I find it different with friends' kids though...but I don't think it's about the kids. We have a couple of friends who just don't get it and being around them and their son is very hard because of the stuff they say sometimes. Actually, now you've just inspired my post for today! Thanks!

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  7. I can totally relate to this post, and I feel the same way as you. I've also thought about this issue when I read other people's blogs talking about their feelings towards pregnant women and babies, and I could never relate. It is nice to read about another woman who feels the same way as I do. Of course I agree with you that everyone is different and everyone deals with things differently, but I'm glad to know that you are in a good place :)

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    1. Thank you! It's really nice to know that someone else views it the same as me. It's not that I don't cry and feel sorry for myself at times, because I do, but it just doesn't effect me too much to be around other pregnant women or their babies. Of course, it is kind of dependant on how they act though. If someone is rude or were to rub it in my face, I would probably feel differently about it then.

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  8. I have so much respect and admiration for you. Amber you are such a strong woman filled with determination and kindness. I keep you in my thoughts.

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    1. Thanks Toni. That really means a lot. I've been thinking about you too!!! Congrats on your pregnancy!

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  9. Go Beavs!!! Great post! Thanks for reminding me how important the kids that are in my life are!

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    1. Our home is divided, my DH is a duck fan, and my nephew plays football for CAL. But deep down I am a Beaver Believer! I really thought our football team had it this year! Maybe next! ;-)

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  10. Wow. I am in awe of the amazing way you deal with all of this. I wish I had your attitude. I am always happy for people when they get pregnant, but many times the jealousy and sadness for myself takes over. I am trying to get a handle on it because I don't like being this bitter person. I really, really want to be happy for other people. I even told my husband recently that when I see a FB pregnancy announcement now, I am not only jealous of the pregnancy but jealous of the people who get to be genuinely happy for the couple. I miss that and hope some day I get it back.

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    1. Awww, I think based on what you just wrote, that you are probably doing a pretty good job of handling it. I myself tend to jealous and sad, but then I kick myself in the butt and get over it. When my sister told me she was pregnant the other day, I cried all the way home and spent the night feeling sorry for myself and all woe is me. Then the next day I called and told her that while I was happy for her, it really really sucked for me. I didn't want to just pretend it was all okay. We talked about it, and then I got over it. I decided to just be happy that I was going to have a new baby to love on, because I really love those babies and being an Auntie!

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  11. This is such a great post, Amber. The love you have for these kids is so obvious and they are very lucky to have an aunt like you.

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  12. So sweet! Love getting to know you guys and your babies better!

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  13. I agree. my sisters have kids and those kids i feel like they came from me. some look and act like me. it is the best. i think it all depends on the support that you get from others. but i agree you dont want to miss out on those kids because that is an important relationship! and kids need love plain and simple and we add to their lives!

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    1. I am so glad you get to be an Auntie too! It truly is wonderful! I get told all the time that my oldest niece looks like me. My husband calls her his "little Amber."

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  14. Such sweet kids! And it's lovely to see you and your husband, laughing and so happy together! Those kids sure are lucky to have you guys as such fabulous aunt and uncle. Thanks for sharing.

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  15. I'm in total agreement with you. I have a very good friend who got pregnant 3 months before I did, and then I miscarried. I couldn't imagine not going to her shower or not seeing her baby. Yes, I did cry when I came home, but for the sadness of my loss, not jealousy.

    Your nieces and nephews are beautiful kids. I hope that you can give them a cousin someday. I wish that I could have spent time with my brother's children, the only nieces I have, but relations with his ex wife were...complicated. I miss the time we could have spent with them.

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  16. There's our Amber that we know and love! A very well written blog that shows your difficulty of mixed emotions but is overrode by the love in your heart!!!!! The pics
    were beautiful and really showed all of the love you both have for the little ones in your life!!!! It's going to happen for you!!! Love you!

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