Sunday, February 3, 2013

September Baby!

That's right!  We're having a baby in September, but not in my household.  My sister told me yesterday that she is pregnant.  Sigh.  Oh the unfairness of it all!  What I find difficult to comprehend is the fact that she donated her eggs to me one month, and the very next month she gets pregnant! How does that even happen?!?!!  Okay, I know how it happens.  I just don't happen to think it's very fair that it can be that easy for her.

Sis took a positive HPT the day after I had my 3rd ultrasound, which was the ultrasound with good news!  That was when we had seen the consistent growth for 2 weeks in a row and we finally had a nice strong heartbeat.  I'm not sure I fully understand why, but she was waiting to tell me because she didn't want to rain on my parade.  She wanted to allow me time to enjoy my own pregnancy and share my news with our family first.  She also wanted to tell me in person.

And then BAM!  A week and a half later, I had another ultrasound and I learned my baby was dead.  Well, of course she couldn't tell me then!

The evening of that last ultrasound, I sent Sis a text letting her know that Bob was dead, but I didn't want to talk about it.  I know that was probably really unfair, as I know she was upset for me too.  There were two people that I just really couldn't talk to though: my sister and my mother-n-law.  I knew that their grief was going to be almost as much as ours and I just couldn't deal with their grief in addition to my own.

I did call Sis the next night.  I knew I needed to.  I was right.  She was hurting too.  I knew she would be.  What I didn't know was that she would be hurting so bad that she had to leave work early and that she had spent a lot of the day crying herself.  makes me cry right now thinking about it.  I was glad that I called her.  I knew she wasn't going to call me, especially after I had told her I didn't want to talk about it.

Now I know and understand why she was that upset.  I knew she would be upset on our behalf anyway.  She WAS pretty invested in our success after all, since she had put herself through the injections and egg retrieval for us.  What I DIDN'T know was that she felt so awful because she was newly pregnant while we had just lost ours.

I'm not shocked that she is pregnant.  I mean, that WAS the plan.  They were planning on having one more, and they were planning it around us.  She had been prepared to possibly be a surrogate, but then we asked for her eggs instead.  Going through the process, we had even talked about how much fun it would be to have our babies be so close in age.  I knew they would be trying and I knew it would be soon.

The absolute worst part about this is that some of her joy in being pregnant is stolen from her.  While I feel sorry for myself, I also feel terrible that some of her happiness has been lost.  I am happy for her, but at the same time I am devastated.

It's really just not fair.  She has 3 kids already.  She gave me her eggs.  She is pregnant with her 4th.  Why?  Why is it that out of all her eggs, we got the one with the abnormal chromosome?  Why is it that Hubby and I are in the "no greater than a 1% chance" category?  Why did we have to be the statistic?

I have no doubt that her baby will be healthy.  I have no doubt that she will have a healthy pregnancy, despite having morning sickness, which she already has.  (I told her today that I don't feel sorry for her!  haha!)  I want nothing less than to have a new healthy baby niece or nephew.  I LOVE my nieces and nephews.  I can't wait to hold and cuddle a new baby.  I truly can't. I just wish it were gonna be mine.

However, this time is going to come with a little more heartache than the others.  This time, I will know that when this baby is born, I should have a one month old myself.  This time will hurt just a little bit more than the others.

I have been so lucky that my sister and her husband have allowed me to be there for the births of my two nephews.  There is the matter of me being her sister, but more than that, they have known that I may never experience having a baby myself.  They have invited me to their ultrasound appointments and to be there for the births so that I would be able to experience the miracle that it truly is when a baby is born.  I wouldn't trade that experience for the world.

I plan to be there when this baby is born as well.  Besides, they need me.  Who else would be the photographer?  I wouldn't want it any other way.  I want to be there.  It just also makes me hurt.

She has her first OB appointment on the 15th.  I need to figure out if I want to go to that one or not.  I'm not sure I could handle it if something was wrong and there is no heartbeat.  I'm also not sure how I will handle it if there is?  I WANT to be there.  I just don't know how my emotional state will be.  I WANT to share that moment with my sister, but I also don't want to take away from her moment.  She deserves to be happy about this pregnancy.  I deserve to be happy for her.  I just have to find a way to do that.

24 comments:

  1. Oh man. This sounds like such a difficult place to be in. I am so sorry. Just remember that whatever you decided you need to do for yourself is okay. Thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, Amber. Ouch, that is so hard. My sister was due a mere three weeks after me with my first pregnancy, and sometimes it's hard fro me not to look at my nephew and draw parallels with the son I lost. At the time, I think everyone assumed my feelings were about jealousy...which of course they were, in a way, but really I just wanted MY baby. But I also remember wishing everyone would just understand my pain and try to reach out. It sounds like you and your sister have a really great and supportive relationship, and I wish you both strength as you find your way forward. As far as feeling happy for her, I think it's understandable if you don't just yet, and that people will get that. Just take it one day at a time for now. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much. Fortunately, yes, we do have a good relationship. I am so thankful that she understands.

      I am so sorry you've had to deal with something very similar. It is difficult. It doesn't mean we love our nieces and nephews any less, but it I think it does make us miss our own that much more.

      Delete
  3. Dang. I know it is never easy to hear and I know that you are not mad at her- but at the unfairness of it all. I totally get that. I love being an aunt, but I want to let my siblings be aunts or uncles to MY child now. It is my turn! I am thinking of you, and I am here if you need to talk, vent. cry, rant... anything!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I most definitely am not mad at her. I just find it extremely unfair. I am finding myself to be mad at God though, which is a very unsettling feeling for me.

      Delete
  4. Reading this made my heart hurt for you. What a intense situation for you and your sister. I wish I could sit here and tell you things are going to be okay. I hope with all my heart that the two you have waiting on you will be beautiful little babies one day soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Toni. I'm thinking of you today as well.

      Delete
  5. Wow I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time...infertility is so unfair! Thank God you have some frozen embryos to try again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It definitely is unfair. I just do not get it sometimes when I see some people that have kids and probably shouldn't. But then, who am I to judge?

      Delete
  6. Now that is a tough situation. At least your sister is sensitive to the situation and to your feelings. I hope you can find a way for this not to be too painful. Infertility just has a way of twisting the knife sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The knife is definitely twisted. I am grateful that Sis and I have a strong relationship though.

      Delete
  7. Monumentally unfair! Life just sucks so much sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This whole situation is awful for everyone involved, but I can't get over how unfair it is that you seem to be saddled with the burden of all the "slim chances" and "one percents". Don't you get to be in the majority normal group for a change?? I am just holding out hope that the embryos that you have left fall squarely into that category, and that since your sis gets pregnant so easily that you will too the next time around and everything will be ok. This sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This must be tough. Sounds like you are handling it super well! If it were me, I am not sure I would even be able to consider being at her ultrasound or birth. It is awesome that you can be so happy for them! And there is still a chance that you will be pregnant at the same time, at least for a few months, with a May FET!! I am very hopeful for your that the embryos will be very healthy and sticky!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thanks! I'm just going to rely on all of you believing it will work for me in May!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I think you need to give yourself a break and not go on the 15th. That's a bit soon and the last thing you want is to get all upset once you are there.
    Let yourself be angry sad and jealous. It's totally ok and people will understand.

    We will cheer you on for May!

    ReplyDelete
  12. You are such an amazing, loving, strong woman. Follow your gut when you need to, and don't let yourself feel guilty. I know, easier said than done! I am rooting for you so hard for May! Lots of hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  13. The Universe just does not make sense at times. It was just such a crapy roll of the dice that the embryo implanted had the fatal chromosomal flaw. I know "at least you can get pregnant" is the worst consolation prize in the world, but it does speak for your uterus that you were able to carry the pregnancy. I have good feelings for your FET in May!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Definitely was a crappy roll of the dice. And yeah, I know, at least I can get pregnant. That's what I told myself when we had our chemical pregnancy last Spring. And it is definitely nice to know this loss wasn't some malfunction due to my body. I would find it more reassuring if we weren't putting all our hopes into just one more time. Our FET HAS to work! We can't really afford to go beyond that, especially since it will be about 2 years now before my sister could be an egg donor again, which would put me over 40. Ugg.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh, Amber. That had to sting, even while you are happy for your sister. Don't force yourself to put on that brave face all the time if you're not feeling it. Be kind to yourself through this time, no matter what emotion you are feeling. Many hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Awwwww, Amber!!! I ditto what Stacie just said. Don't bottle up the feelings, I'm sure Sis will understand as she has been side by side with you on this and we all know our Amber, she will be up to loving and joining in the joy of a new little niece or nephew!!! And besides, when that little one comes, you will have a baby bump to help hold that little one on!!!!!! Miracles are a blooming in May!!!!! Auntie

    ReplyDelete