I have too many thoughts running through my head. I have to wake up 4.25 hours from now to go to work, and yet I was just laying in bed, not being able to shut off my brain. Tomorrow will suck. I have a busy morning of appointments that are back to back to back to back with no breaks. I am going to be so tired, but I was just laying in bed with tears seeping out of my eyes.
I need to write a letter to my family. I need to let them know where we are in our infertility journey. I never got the chance to make our pregnancy announcement. Let me rephrase that - we had our chance, but we wanted to wait until we made it to the 2nd trimester, which we were just a few short weeks away from before we lost our baby.
I told my Aunts and Uncles last spring that we were pursuing infertility treatments. But I never told them any sort of timeline. I did let them know when the first IVF didn't work, but I never told them about the second one being cancelled. I never told them about my sister being an egg donor for us. Basically I have left them all hanging and they have been kind enough not to ask about it, even though I know they are wondering. My mom new about my sister's gift to us, but even she did not know we were pregnant until after I already lost the baby. I found out about the miscarriage the very same week I was going to tell her for her birthday present that we were pregnant. Instead, I got to tell her we WERE pregnant.
I feel like a fraud. So many of you have told me how much you admire me. You all have told me how amazed you are by my positive attitude and my ability to move past this loss in such a positive way. For the most part, that is true. I really try not to dwell in what we can't do anything about. I really do try to see the positive side of things. But then there are times like tonight, when I just can't stop thinking about the fact that I most likely will never have a baby of my own. My Hubby and I most likely will be growing old together without a family by our side. That makes me sad. I am not sitting here crying about it, but I do get teary eyed sometimes and a few of those tears do sometimes leak out. Like tonight, while I was laying in bed thinking about the letter I need to write to my family, while I was listening to Hubby sleeping next to me and lightly snoring away.
It is what it is. That has pretty much become my new motto and what I tell people now. It's what I tell myself. We can't do anything about our loss. We couldn't have done anything different to avoid it.
It just is what it is and we have to move on. Part of moving on has to include that letter to my family though. I think it's time I get to writing it. But not now. Now I need to try to go to sleep again. I need at least a FEW hours of sleep!