Tuesday, February 12, 2013

It is What It is

I have too many thoughts running through my head.  I have to wake up 4.25 hours from now to go to work, and yet I was just laying in bed, not being able to shut off my brain.  Tomorrow will suck.  I have a busy morning of appointments that are back to back to back to back with no breaks.  I am going to be so tired, but I was just laying in bed with tears seeping out of my eyes.

I need to write a letter to my family.  I need to let them know where we are in our infertility journey.  I never got the chance to make our pregnancy announcement.  Let me rephrase that - we had our chance, but we wanted to wait until we made it to the 2nd trimester, which we were just a few short weeks away from before we lost our baby.

I told my Aunts and Uncles last spring that we were pursuing infertility treatments.  But I never told them any sort of timeline.  I did let them know when the first IVF didn't work, but I never told them about the second one being cancelled.  I never told them about my sister being an egg donor for us.  Basically I have left them all hanging and they have been kind enough not to ask about it, even though I know they are wondering.  My mom new about my sister's gift to us, but even she did not know we were pregnant until after I already lost the baby.  I found out about the miscarriage the very same week I was going to tell her for her birthday present that we were pregnant.  Instead, I got to tell her we WERE pregnant.

I feel like a fraud.  So many of you have told me how much you admire me.  You all have told me how amazed you are by my positive attitude and my ability to move past this loss in such a positive way.  For the most part, that is true.  I really try not to dwell in what we can't do anything about.  I really do try to see the positive side of things.  But then there are times like tonight, when I just can't stop thinking about the fact that I most likely will never have a baby of my own.  My Hubby and I most likely will be growing old together without a family by our side.  That makes me sad.  I am not sitting here crying about it, but I do get teary eyed sometimes and a few of those tears do sometimes leak out.  Like tonight, while I was laying in bed thinking about the letter I need to write to my family, while I was listening to Hubby sleeping next to me and lightly snoring away.

It is what it is.  That has pretty much become my new motto and what I tell people now.  It's what I tell myself.  We can't do anything about our loss.  We couldn't have done anything different to avoid it.

It just is what it is and we have to move on.  Part of moving on has to include that letter to my family though.  I think it's time I get to writing it.  But not now.  Now I need to try to go to sleep again.  I need at least a FEW hours of sleep!

16 comments:

  1. thinking of you; do what you need to feel at peace. but you dont owe anyone any explanation. it is so hard to know what to do. life just doesnt make sense at these times.

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  2. You wouldn't be human if you didnt have moments like these. You can still be a strong person and be sad, angry, or grieving. Do what you feel is best for YOU and what will give you a piece of mind. If you feel the need to write a letter than by all means do so. Perhaps the support you'll garner by sharing will help in the healing process.

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  3. Even the most positive people are going to have days when they feel sad; especially considering everything you have gone through! Life is not fair, and there is no explanation for all the suffering you are going through. Your family sounds very supportive so I hope you get some relief and closure by opening up to them.

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  4. Oh Amber, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry that you have been on this journey for so long, with empty arms. Gypsy Mama is right. There is no explanation for this, and you have a right to feel sad, frustrated, angry, and heartbroken. I will say a prayer right now that writing that letter will be therapeutic for you and that it will be met with soft hearts and encouragement.

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  5. I agree with Puzzle Piece that you don't owe anyone an explanation, write (and send) the letter only if you think it will be helpful for YOU! Don't do it for anyone else's benefit.

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  6. I'm so sorry you are having a bad night. It's all so unfair! I hope opening up to your family and getting their support will be helpful to you. But, I agree with the other ladies...only do it if you want to, not because you feel obligated to keep them updated.
    Hope you made it through your morning clients ok!

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  7. My mind has not changed. I admire you so much, for your strength, positively, and your absolute determination! I hope that the months ahead have such wonderful things in store for you.

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  8. You let yourself feel however you need to feel, and you don't owe anyone any explanations. Thinking of you!

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  9. Please do not be afraid to cry. Otherwise I will have to take back my admiration! ;-) jk. Crying sucks and sometimes I do it so much I feel like it is a waste of time. But I always feel better after letting it out. Sometimes it is the only way. I hope writing the letter will be therapeutic for you and that you will be embraced with lots of support from you family! Hugs!

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  10. Reaching through the Internet (and your screen) to give you a big hug. The down days are bound to come. I'd be worried about you if they didn't. You feel what you feel when you feel it, and you can't stop it.

    Much love to you. Hoping tomorrow is a brighter day.

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  11. Big hugs to you. This is an incredibly difficult journey and we need to grieve it. We all have had that feeling of putting on the fake smile, but crying inside. Saying a prayer for you to get what you want to say to your family down on paper.

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  12. Oh sweetie. Go ahead and cry. I promise it will feel better.

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  13. Oh man. I totally know what those nights are like and they are awful!!!! Thinking of you so much. I have to say, you do have such and amazing attitude. It is so inspirational to me and I'm sure so many others. Sending many thoughts to you as you draft the letter.

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  14. Oh honey...you are so very strong. And feeling sad sometimes or getting teary-eyed doesn't change that. Hugs!

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  15. Grieving over a loss isn't something that just ends or something you magically move on from. I'm almost a year from my loss and I still sometimes cry over my lost little boy. When you add in how hard you had to fight to have that chance, it just makes it worse.

    Do what you need to do, honey. If that means crying in bed at night or in the shower in the morning (my favorite place to cry) then do it. If it means writing the letter to your family or putting it off for a little while do that, too.

    You are strong, even if you don't feel like it right now. You get out of bed every morning and go to work, despite the hurt. That right there is strength.

    Huge, huge HUGS!

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  16. Oh, Amber! I do hope that when you wrote that letter to all of us that you did get a sense of peace and got the love and support from all of us that you needed. You my dear niece ARE NOT a fraud!!! You are one of the most upfront, loving, compassionate, generous person that I know and can only say that I am blessed and honored to be able to say "That's my niece" and I love her!!!

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