The Results Are In

I've known since last Tuesday, almost a full week, that I am pregnant.  I absolutely could not keep from peeing on a stick (poas).  So at 4dp6dt (4 days post 6 day transfer), I went to Target right after work and bought 6 hpt's.  I HAD to buy two packages of 3 because I got a $5 gift card back!  I came home, and poas.  The result showed a faint, but clearly visible second line.

I've read from so many people that it is best to poas first thing in the morning so that your urine is undiluted.  I tested this out the very next morning because I was curious if it would make a difference.  I wanted to see if the line would be darker.  To my disappointment, it wasn't.  It has not ever made one bit of difference if I poas first thing in the morning, early afternoon, or late evening.  It also hasn't made a lick of difference if I drank a lot of water or not, another thing I've read on other blogs.  I personally do not ever see a difference.  A positive has always been a positive.  This was on Wednesday.

I was going to wait until Friday to test again.  (I don't want to become an addict!)  But at the encouragement of a few friends (it didn't take much), I tested again on Thursday.  Low and behold, the line was darker!

I tested one more time on Saturday morning (not because I'm an addict, haha! but because I did want to see the progression), and the second line was definitely darker, and just as dark as the base line.  Woo Hoo!!!

I showed Hubby each of these tests, but he has stayed very neutral and not very excited.  I know he is just trying to not get invested emotionally at this point because of our past experiences.  Our first go-round with IVF, we had a chemical pregnancy.  Our last cycle, we had a miscarriage at 9 weeks, 5 days.  He said he's just having trouble believing it.  I asked him when he would start believing it.  His response was "when this kid turns 18!"

Today, at 10dp6dt, my beta HCG is 416, which confirms my positive pregnancy!  When I got pregnant last time, my first beta came back 636 at 14dp3dt.  There's a one day difference between the two, so I'm not putting a lot of thought into the 416 number other than knowing I'm pregnant!

Now the real fear begins.  I go back on Wednesday morning for my second beta blood draw.  I knew what the result would be today.  I had absolutely no doubt I would get a good number based on my pee sticks.  However, on my drive to the clinic this morning I felt such an incredible sense of dread.  Not for my results today, but for what will come next.  I am so afraid of the numbers not progressing as they should.  Or if they do, I'm afraid that there won't be a heart beat and proper growth at the first ultrasound.  And then after that, I will fear the next ultrasound.  And after that......

The fear goes on.  I was so excited and in such a good place emotionally about all this before today.  Now, I just have such a heavy sense of doom lurking over me.  I know that is terrible!  I just told Hubby the other night when he was so passive about all this, that regardless of the outcome, I just want to enjoy it while we can!  If we don't make it to a take home baby at the end of all this, I don't want to miss out on the time we DO have to be pregnant.

Now, I wish I could follow my own advice...