I had no intention of writing this post, but then I read yet another infertility blog about the guilt that woman feels now that she is pregnant. I absolutely HATE that infertility makes woman feel so guilty and sad when they finally get pregnant, because they are worried for all their friends still in the trenches.
I know what it's like to experience infertility. I spent 14 years watching everyone else have babies, coach other people's babies, and want babies of my own. I KNOW what it is like to want babies and to start planning and living your future child free. We truly were convinced we would never have children of our own, until the last two years when we decided to go into extreme debt and give it our last ditch effort. Even then it didn't work. What we thought was our last ditch effort turned out to be our second to last ditch effort. After one failed IUI (that we knew wouldn't work), an IVF cycle that resulted in a chemical pregnancy and no left over embryos, and another IVF cycle that was canceled and turned into a failed IUI cycle, we decided our last ditch effort would be using an egg donor. Woo hoo! We then got pregnant! Only to find out I miscarried at 9w5d. We had two frozen embryos left, and one of them didn't even meet the criteria to be frozen, but they decided to freeze it anyway since they like to freeze them in pairs and we had one good one.
Those two frozen embryos turned out to finally be our babies. If that FET hadn't worked, we were done. To this day, I have no idea which one of them was the "good" embryo and which one would have been tossed if it had been by itself. A terrifying thought!
My point here is that I KNOW what it is like to be at the end of the line and be infertile. We spent 14 years trying to conceive. 14 years! My husband had passed his 40th birthday and I was quickly approaching it.
While we were going through treatments, I read a lot of blogs. I sought success stories. I cheered for those that got pregnant and ended up with their take home babies. Those people inspired me! They gave me hope! I cried (and still do) for those that didn't experience success. Those particular people helped me to stay in reality that what we were doing might not work. We might have been spending all that money and going further into debt simply for peace of mind in knowing we gave it everything we had to try for our family.
I've made some incredible friends through this blogging world. Many that I actually refer to as friends when talking to people in my "real life." I continue to follow many into the journey of parenthood, and still follow those that are still in the trenches fighting for a chance at their own family. When they get pregnant, I am so ecstatic for them! It seems that inevitably though, there is eventually a post about how they don't know what to write about on their blog anymore because they don't want to hurt those that are still trying. They feel guilty for all their friends left behind. I HATE that this happens! After years of trying, I want for my bloggie friends to be happy and excited because they are finally pregnant! I want them to be able to start their journey into parenthood without the handcuffs of infertility still around them.
I know it's easy for me to say, now that I'm on the other side, but I haven't always been. Some might say I forget what it's like. No. Just... no. I won't ever forget that it took me over a decade and someone else's eggs to get me pregnant. I won't ever forget the miscarriages I had. It would be impossible for me to forget the heartache.
As much as I love this blogging community and the friendships I've made, I find it really unfortunate that as a result of reading blogs, infertile bloggers have these feelings of guilt and sadness when they finally get their bfp and their take home babies. I wish that we could be a community of support through thick and thin. I know that there are some people that have a really hard time when they hear pregnancy announcements, go to baby showers, or see a pregnant woman. I get that, but what I want my newly pregnant bloggie friends and new Mommy bloggie friends to remember, is that there are also those people like myself that find HOPE in reading your story. There are some people that will persevere for that ONE MORE cycle because you inspire them to continue.
Please continue blogging. Please be happy for yourself and your Little One. Don't let infertility put a shadow on your success story. Don't let infertility win, even when you've defeated it. I'm not saying to forget those that are still in the trenches. I'm not saying that at all. I just want you to be HAPPY for yourself and guilt free, while you still cheer those friends on and still cry with them when infertility does get the better hand. Be a good friend, but not at the sacrifice of your joy in your own situation.