Monday, July 1, 2013

Irrational Fears

Or are they rational fears?  I would just like to know on a daily minute by minute basis that my babies are okay.  I cannot stand this unknown that takes place between ultrasound appointments.  My next appointment is not until the 10th, which is next Wednesday.  I know that is not that far away, but it feels like an eternity.  I don't even know if I will be getting an ultrasound that day.  We will be meeting our new OB for the first time.

I think it would be different if I knew my belly was growing, indicating the babies are growing.  I think it would be different if I felt symptoms.  As much as I don't relish the thought of puking, at least that would give me the reassurance that something was going on inside of me.  Last week, I did feel a lot of nausea, especially in the mornings.  However, that changed over the weekend.  Today, nada.  Nothing at all to say "hey!  You're pregnant!"  I'm not dying of hunger.  I'm not nauseous.  My boobs don't hurt.

I started spotting again yesterday and still am this morning.  I know that's normal, and it doesn't really freak me out too much since it's not fresh blood, but I still don't want to see it.  Hubby and I would like to eventually have sex again.  It has been MONTHS!  First, we didn't before the FET because I had blue stuff coming out of my hoo-ha due to the Estrace.  Then you can't during your two week wait.  Then we were just too nervous so waited until the first ultrasound.  But before the first u/s, I started spotting.  And it is highly recommended that you not have sex while spotting.  The spotting has been hit and miss over the last few weeks, but more so again starting yesterday.  Ugh!

Can these next 30 weeks just zip right by already?  Actually, I'd like to experience this whole pregnancy thing, but it would be a lot easier if there was some way to just KNOW that everything is going okay.

33 comments:

  1. Not irrational at all! I'm fully expecting my symptoms to vanish- just so I'm mentally prepared! It's so hard to wait! So, so hard! I'm thinking about you and praying so much for those babies! XOXO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Laura! I know you are right behind me, so know exactly what I'm talking about! Praying for the both of us :)

      Delete
  2. It's so much better once you get to the point you can feel movement. At the beginning it's so much time between appointments and you have no way not to worry that something has gone wrong without you knowing it. Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, I can't wait to get to that point!

      Delete
  3. It might not help now, but maybe invest in a Doppler so that you can listen to the heartbeats for some reassurance. I've never had one but I know plenty of women who do and it helped give them a piece of mind in between appointments.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've been thinking about it! I guess I'm just turning into a big worry wart.

      Delete
  4. The doppler was a huge help for me. I couldn't always decipher 2 heartbeats but knowing at least one was beating away was always a huge relief. I bought the sonoline b on eBay for like 50 bucks. I don't use it as much now but did a ton at first. I can't recommend it highly enough. I consistently picked up a heartbeat from 9 weeks on. The waiting between appointments is so hard!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Liz. I've been thinking about it, but was also concerned I wouldn't know how to use it. Once you can start feeling them moving around, I'm pretty sure you can't help but know they are still alive and kicking!

      Delete
  5. When you're ready, I've got a Doppler you can use. Saved my sanity until I was far enough along to feel them. :)

    Many hugs. The thought of losing something so precious is a very scary thing. (((Hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh my goodness Stacie, you are going to make me cry with your generosity. I would absolutely love to borrow your Doppler, although I must admit the thought of not knowing how to use it properly and not finding their heartbeats is a little terrifying too! lol I am ready! I am ready! I've been thinking about how to go about finding one :) My email address is pantheramber@gmail.com

      Thank you so much for being a good friend and support.

      Delete
  6. Reading your post brought me back to the beginning of my pregnancy. Hurry up and wait, that's how I felt. I was frustrated all the time. Obsessing over symptoms and googling non stop. It's an awful feeling that not to many understand. I had bleeding at 5-6 weeks to. I'm 34 weeks prego now! So stay strong girl!!!! Try to keep your days filled with activities.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I can't speak from experience but I have heard that symptoms disappearing is normal. Still, I can understand the uncertainty. I have not stopped praying for you, friend, and I hope you guys can get yourselves nice and distracted until the next u/s.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You sound 100% rational to me!! You are often on my mind. Keep growing, babies!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I was literally JUST saying this to a friend. I would like a daily medical confirmation that I am in fact pregnant. I don't really see why it's that hard!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. It's so hard isn't it? I've learned that symptoms come and go and don't necessarily mean anything bad. Please remember that today you are pregnant and you love your baby. *sigh* I wish we could know every minute that everything is okay but unfortunately we just have to have hope. xoxo FWIW, during both my twin pregnancies I had virtually zero symptoms.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I know it's hard Amber, but just have faith!! You have to many people praying for this to happen and YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!!! I hope that you can find a happy place and peace of mind so that you and T can enjoy the pregnancy and don't have to wait for them to be born (or turn 18)!!! Sending loads of prayers and love!! Auntie PS: Hoping to see you next week down this way?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Your fears are very valid. I remember the first trimester being the hardest to get through, once it was over I could breathe a little easier. Just hang in there, you're doing great!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ugh! I think it's normal...not that it makes it any better! Hang in there and take care of yourself. That's the best thing you can do! Thinking so many good thoughts for you!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I know for sure if I ever got pregnant I would be symptom spotting 24-7, so it's got to be a bit disconcerting when your symptoms change/lessen/disappear. But so far so good with the twins, and I'm sure the next time you go in there'll be two little fetuses (fetii??) kicking away at each other in there. Can't wait for the update.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I agree completely. I keep saying I want a glass panel inserted to I can just peek on the babies whenever I want. I have had lots of days with no symptoms, and yet, still there's a cute little baby when i had my u/s. Hang in there. This is the beginning of a lifetime of loving your babies so much you will always worry about them.

    ReplyDelete
  16. you beter not have sex at all..you will lose them. Yourrecords ditate you have an incompedent uterus/cervix???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ummm, no. My records do NOT indicate I have an incompetent uterus/cervix. My uterus is perfectly healthy. Thank you for your positive advice. Please note sarcasm.

      Delete
  17. I'm sure I would be the same way. But hang in there my friend. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm sure I would feel the same way if I were pregnant, especially in the early stages.

    Just a word of caution over the doppler, my cousin used one and there were a few times she couldn't find the heartbeat even though the baby was fine. She had A LOT of stress over those days....

    I am sending you TONS of sticky/positive vibes... I just know that everything is going to be great for you :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. There is NO data indicating having sex increases your risk of miscarriage, even with twins. We often caution against it in the first trimester, as it can cause light bleeding, which can be nerve-wracking. For patients who are having issues with bleeding, it can make it hard to determine the source. Loved your response to Anonymous

    ReplyDelete
  20. UGH! More than 30 day with out sex... you poor things! I am praying for you everyday, friend! I just know that when I see you in August you are gonna have the cutest baby bump ever and you are going to have to let me touch it!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Those fears all sound rational to me. As much as I hated (hated!) the nausea, it was also reassuring. If I ever had a day where I felt a little better I would worry. Even now that I can feel them move, I worry when too long goes by and I haven't felt them. I am still relieved when I go to the OB and either see them or hear their heartbeats. I think we will always worry until we are actually holding those babies. And then a whole new round of worrying starts!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Yes, yes, yes to all of this. I so hear you and I clearly remember all of these feelings at the beginning of my pregnancy as well. I hope that an unexplainable peace just washes over you. But even if it doesn't...if the anxiety stays put...you'll make it.

    ReplyDelete
  23. so excited, tomorrow is the 10th!!! Can't wait to hear your update :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Blog stalking right now...hope all is well!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Just checking for an update from your appt!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Just checking to see how things are going, I pray all is well :)

    ReplyDelete