This was not my intended topic at all, but then I read a comment that someone made on another blog and it has totally rubbed me the wrong way. It wasn't even my blog, but I feel like maybe the comment was inadvertently directed toward me anyway and toward a comment I had made on this particular blog post. The blogger was concerned about sounding unappreciative or insensitive to her IF sisters still in the trenches because she had voiced her (normal) pregnancy concerns in her post. My comment to her was that she shouldn't feel like she can't voice her concerns or pregnancy woes out of concern for IF's still struggling.
Here's the comment that's got my goat this morning:
"and it’s good to hear, just trying to be honest, that you haven’t yet
forgotten about your still trying infertile peeps out here. sometimes i
get sad when infertility blogs i read finally get pregnant. selfish, i
know. but i feel like i just lost one more person who ‘gets it’. it
seems so often those who struggle with infertility instantly forget what
it’s like once they have a little snuggle bug in their arms. so i’m
glad to see you still get it."
Before I go any further, I feel I should remind everyone that it has taken us 14 years to get where we are at today, pregnant with twins. I have been on this infertile path for a LONG time. I'd also like to remind you that we didn't just happen to get pregnant on our own, or even through regular IVF. We eventually got to the point of using an egg donor. I don't think I'm likely to instantly forget what it's like to go through the struggle.
I'm going to be 40 years old with a pair of one year olds. I'm not likely to forget what it's like, when I had always wanted four kids by the time I was 30. That plan didn't turn out to be in the cards for us. We are going to be almost 60 years old by the time they graduate from high school. We are likely to be in our 70's when they bless us with grandchildren. I'm not likely to forget that we struggled for so many years to have our family, when we may not be able to enjoy vacations with our grandkids because we are older than we had hoped to be at that stage in life.
When I pay our $800 bill each month for the next five years, I won't forget that it is to pay off the debt we took on in order to have even just a CHANCE of having these babies.
Once I am holding these "little snuggle bugs" in my arms, I am not going to instantly forget the 14 year struggle with infertility that we went through. I am still going to 'get' the struggle that others are going through for their own children.
As I mentioned earlier, this comment was probably not even intended for me. I know I shouldn't be spending so much time dissecting it either. It just rubs me the wrong way that she would say "it's good to hear you haven't YET forgotten" about all the infertile peeps still trying. It rubs me the wrong way that she says "SO OFTEN those who struggle with infertility instantly forget." That just seems to put almost every single one of us that actually succeeds in this process in that category. At least she admits to being selfish when she gets sad "when infertility blogs I read get pregnant."
I have never understood this way of thinking. I always was encouraged by the success of others overcoming their IF struggles. For many, many years, we thought we were never going to have any children. Even during those times, I was HAPPY for others, including fertile myrtles. Should I wish my pain and my loss on others? That just doesn't seem right. Seeing pregnant women has never bothered me. Seeing Facebook pregnancy announcements never made me jealous. Seeing pictures of babies has never sent me into a depression. Being around kids has never pushed me over the edge. If I wasn't going to have my own, I sure as hell wanted to enjoy everyone else's babies!
Don't get me wrong, I still don't understand why it's so easy for some and not for others. There have still been a few pregnancy announcements that have hurt, such as when my sister told me she was pregnant with her fourth, following my miscarriage. That was a hard moment for us both, considering she was our egg donor. She got her positive hpt the day after I found out my baby was dead. That was a difficult time for her as well. I was happy for her, but at the time, I really hurt for myself. Now, we are just excited to welcome her new little girl to the family within the next week or two.
I guess the whole point to this rant is that just because we are now pregnant, or just because an infertile has been blessed with a child or two or three, doesn't mean that we instantly forget the struggle. I also don't think it means we should never complain or voice our pregnancy concerns. Just because we struggled with infertility, doesn't mean we should ENJOY morning sickness. Okay, the first time I got sick, I admit to celebrating and being happy about it. However, when I threw up my lunch in the bathroom at work, and then turned around and had to meet a client with bruised and watery eyes feeling like death? Yeah, I did not enjoy that moment.
I'm also scared about my impending baby belly. It's something I've always wanted to experience, but I think all women worry at least a little bit about the baby belly that will be left behind postpartum. That's not the part that scares me though. Have you SEEN twin baby bellies? It looks like it hurts! How the hell am I going to be able to work with a belly that big? I had an idea of what to expect with one baby, but two? That makes me nervous.
I don't think it is wrong for us pregnant infertiles to voice these concerns. I think we should be able to without fear of the backlash we may get from those still in the trenches. Just because we don't like puking our guts out, or just because we have fears, does NOT mean we don't appreciate our pregnancy or the blessings of our little ones when they come.
When I hold these babies in my arms and get to snuggle them, I will NOT forget. When I post pictures of the babies on Facebook or on my blog, it does NOT mean I forgot about the journey to get them. When I complain about sleepless nights, about the financial strain, the whining, etc..... I will NOT forget! Just because there are hard moments, does not make us any less appreciative of what we have been blessed with. Just because you hear a complaint from us, does not mean that we don't understand and appreciate the hard fought battle to even get to this point.
I sympathize with all my infertile friends. I cry with you. My heart breaks for you on many occasions. I will also cheer with you, celebrate with you, and shout with glee when your moment comes. I will support you if you ever decide to change your path, whether it be toward adoption or living a child free life. I will be your friend through thick and thin.
Just because I am pregnant now, does not mean I am through with this infertile journey. I worry on a daily basis about these babies actually making it to the outside world. How can I forget what the last 14 years of wanting a baby of my own has been like? How can I forget the heartbreak of having a miscarriage at 9w5d? How can I forget that if something were to happen to these two little ones, we will be living the rest of our lives child free and won't have a choice in the matter?
That being said, I don't feel like I should stop posting about my pregnancy and the plans we are making for them to join the world. When they are born, this blog will become Old Lady with Two Babies instead of Old Lady and No Baby. I hope that you will continue to be my bloggie friend and can rejoice with us. But if it makes you sad that I am moving into the next phase, then I am sorry on your behalf, but I will continue living my life and sharing it with those that care to follow. If you no longer feel like you can continue following my blog, that is okay. That would make ME sad to lose a friend, but it would be okay if that is what is best for you. Please be aware though, that just because I brag about my kids, or vent about them on occasion, I absolutely will not instantly (or ever) forget our struggle with infertility.