Happy Easter!

Today started off with Hubby going to church with me.  I've been trying to go more regularly, but Hubby hasn't really wanted to for quite some time.  It was nice that he went with me today.

Then we headed to my sister's for the Easter brunch they were hosting.  My mom and my brother were there, along with my BIL's family, and several of their really good friends.  Hubby and I had a great time playing with our niece and nephews!  It was such a beautiful day of fun with family and friends.



Nathanial (17 months)

Urijah (27 months), Steven (3 tomorrow!), Eliana 7 1/2)
Checking out what they got in their Easter Eggs!
 

They are just too cute!  Love these little guys!

Of course, Uncle Tony and I had to practice some softball with Eli.  She got out her new bat, practice wiffle balls, and Tee.  We hit off the Tee a bit and we pitched to her.  We were actually pretty impressed that she was able to connect when the ball was pitched to her.  Not every time, but she's getting better!

 

  

 

Trying to fetch the ball that got stuck in the neighbors bushes after a wild pitch!
 

My sister, my brother, and me

 

My awesome sister that donated her eggs to us

Then Hubby and I came home, rested for about an hour, and then headed to the softball field for some hitting practice with a few of my high school players. Since it's Easter, it was just an optional practice for those that wanted a little extra. We start league games this week, so I wanted to make myself available for anybody that wanted a little extra hitting practice and didn't have Easter conflicts with their families. We had four girls show up, which is about what we expected. I am so thankful that Hubby was willing and able to come down to the field with me today. I always appreciate his help. He does a much better job than I do with helping girls that are struggling with their hitting.

We had a busy day, but it was good. I hope everyone else had a fabulous Easter Sunday!



Busy with Softball

It's been a super busy week!  It's spring break and we were scheduled for a softball tournament the last two days.  Tuesday, we only had one game in the afternoon, so I was still able to go in to work that morning to train my clients, but I had to take yesterday off since it was an all day softball event.  When they schedule those things, they don't keep in mind that the rest of the world doesn't exactly get a spring break off of work! lol

As I've mentioned before, we don't really have a very strong team this year.  I only have one REAL pitcher on my team.  What I mean by that is, she is the only one that takes pitching lessons and actually works at it and is pretty decent.  Not great, but average.  The other girls we have pitching are mostly just humoring me and working at it so we have at least some sort of back up.

At any rate, scheduling us for a spring break tournament with three games in two days was not in our favor.  She just can't, or at least shouldn't, pitch that much in such a short amount of time.  During the summer, when we play anywhere from 4-7 or 8 games in a weekend, it's not that big of a deal because they are in shape for it by then.  But not right now, at the beginning of our high school season.  If she were to get injured, our season would be pretty much toast.

Tuesday, we had an 8 run lead going into the 6th inning.  It's a solid lead, so I brought in a back up pitcher.  She proceeded to walk her first two batters, and then gave up a homerun.  Okay.  Next back up pitcher.  We still had a 5 run lead and we should be able to score more runs.  Nope, she gave up a few runs too with a few walks and a hit batter.  (this just goes to show how bad they really are)  So then I had to bring back my starter to finish the game and our team proceeded to make 5 errors, we couldn't get a baserunner ourselves, and we lost the game 8-9.  Suck.

Yesterday, we boarded the bus to head to the tournament at 9:30am.  We won our first game 20-7, although it was not that much of a blow out until later in the game.

First play of the game: the lead off batter for the other team hits a ball to the fence.  My left fielder goes after the ball, has it in her glove, and then plays with her shoe while the girl runs around the bases.  Oh.  My.  Gosh.  I was livid!!  Throw the damn ball in!!!  As it turns out, her shoe lace was stuck to the fence and she couldn't move.  We had a talk about how next time that happens (like it's a common occurrence.  NOT!) she needs to at least toss the ball to the other outfielder standing right next to her, so SHE could throw the ball in!  Sadly, this same girl, in the same game, later chased down another ball to the fence, rolled her ankle, and was out for the rest of the day.  Turns out she's probably out for the season because the ER doctor thinks it's fractured.  Waiting for the results from her orthopedic doctor.

This game ended up lasting 2 1/2 hours!!  That's about an hour longer than most softball games.  It. Took. Forever!  This forced our second game of the day to start late.  Because my #1 pitcher pitched practically the entire first game and second games, there was no way I could pitch her a full game in the last one.  We started another gal, who DID actually throw strikes, with the intention of bringing in the #1 if the game was close.  Well, it wasn't close.  We lost 2-12.  It just wasn't worth the risk of potentially causing an overuse injury to my pitcher by having her pitch all 3 games.  I'd rather sacrifice that one game than our entire league season and a potential state playoff spot.

So, we left at 9:30am and didn't get home until just after 8:00pm.  Then I had to call the paper to report the game results, eat dinner, take a shower, and be at work this morning at 6:00am for my first client. 

I am SOOoooooo far behind in my blog reading!  But I promise I will catch up!

My Sweet Niece

My niece spent the night on Friday so we could take her softball shopping on Saturday.  Two years ago when she started playing t-ball we took her shopping for softball gear, but she's outgrown most of that stuff.  Uncle Tony and I absolutely had a blast helping her pick out her new gear.  She got new cleats, a bat bag, a bat, softball socks, softball pants, and a few wiffle balls for backyard batting practice.  She is now decked out and all set!

Saturday morning, while we were still hanging out at the house, she made a few signs for our bedroom door.  I think these will be hanging there for awhile....

The Welcom(e) sign with our names is so people will know which room is ours when they come to visit.  The other one is my favorite though and just makes me smile.  I'm not really sure which figure is Uncle Tony and which one is me.  lol  Hubby thinks it's awesome because we are holding hands.

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I thought I would share my breakfast shake from this morning because it was ahh-mazing!  It is a recipe from our Nutrition program at work and very, very simple.

PINEAPPLE MANGO BREAKFAST SHAKE

1/2 cup Frozen Pineapple

3/4 cup Frozen Mango

1/2 Banana

1 TBSP Peanut Butter

1 scoop Vanilla Protein Powder

1/2 cup Water

*I used almond butter instead of peanut butter because we are out of PB.  You can use whatever you have on hand, but it should be NATURAL PB or almond butter.

*I found the recipe to be too thick with only 1/2 cup water, so doubled that.  You can play with that for desired shake thickness.

*I found frozen mango chunks in the frozen section at the grocery store.  They didn't have frozen pineapple, so I used canned.  I opened two cans of pineapple chunks, measured it out in 1/2 cup increments, and then put it in individual small containers for the freezer.  That way I can just grab what I need throughout the week and know it is already measured out.  This breakfast takes less than 5 minutes to make.

Bus Ride Conversations

So far my softball team is 2-2 (won 2 games, lost 2 games).  It's about how I feel our season will go.  We are very average.  This is new territory for me.  I've been coaching softball for 20 years now and only 2 of those years, my team has not made it to the state playoffs.  Not to brag (okay, yes, I am bragging) but in the last 7 years of coaching we have been to the playoffs every year.  We have won a state championship, made it to the state semi-finals another year, and we have won 6 league championships.  I am not accustomed to average and neither is my team.  They have grown up watching the success of the older girls, many of which were older siblings.  It is definitely a challenge to accept being mediocre, while inspiring the girls to play at their best despite defeat.

Last night on our long bus ride home after our game, the girls somehow got on the subject of pregnancy, babies, and surrogacy.  One of the girls was telling a story of someone they know that used her sister as a surrogate.  She was telling the others what a blessing and a miracle this baby was, considering everything they had been through to conceive that baby.  Then they all started talking about baby stories.

For the last half of the bus ride home, one of the senior girls came and sat with me in my seat. We talked about a bunch of different things, but ended up talking about her family. Her first niece was born last year during our softball season and will be celebrating her first birthday soon. This girl told me how much she loves being an Aunt and what a blessing this baby is to their family because her brother and his wife had tried for a long time to get pregnant. Then she got really quiet and apologized. I wasn't exactly sure what she was apologizing for so I asked her. She said she was "sorry if what I said made you uncomfortable, or if it was awkward." I told her it was okay, that life goes on, and it's not something I have a hard time talking about. She went on to ask me if we had ever considered using a surrogate or adopting. We talked a little bit about it, but I didn't share too many details.

Last year during softball season, I did my first IVF which resulted in a chemical pregnancy.  I also did my second IVF, which ended up being cancelled because I only had one follicle.  During that same time, I also lost my Grandpa to cancer.  It was a rough year for me.  None of the girls, assistant coaches, or parents knew what I was going through with IF.  They all know we have been married for a long time and still don't have kids.  They know we want kids, but very few actually ask us about that anymore.

I find it so crazy that these conversations came up on the bus last night, from my softball girls.  It just seemed so random.  The funny part is that I actually planned to share with the girls a condensed version of our struggle in a few weeks.  Well, I guess the seed has been planted for that conversation.

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On a different note:

I saw this picture and I immediately wanted to share it because it's exactly how I feel every Friday!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!





ICLW

Well, tomorrow is that time of the month again.  No, not Aunt Flo, but it's that special time of the month when we make the extra effort to read new blogs and show our blogging love by leaving comments.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with the idea of making the extra effort to read new blogs this week, as I am already SOOOoooo far behind in reading the blogs I already follow!  I knew this would happen when softball season started for me, but I am still sticking around this wonderful blogoshere!  I may not have as much time, but I still love finding new bloggie friends and am looking forward to it. 

If you'd like to read about my infertility journey, the best summary of my story is in the letter I wrote to my family not very long ago.

Welcome to my blog and happy ICLW!!

Choosing the Bright Side

I try to avoid debates in politics and religion as much as possible.  I just don't feel educated enough to back up my beliefs and opinions in either topic.  Those subjects also tend to get heated.  While I don't mind a healthy discussion and am open to hearing the other side, I absolutely abhor the arguments and hurt feelings that often come about.  With that said, I'm also not going to deny what my beliefs and opinions are either.  Those things make up who I am, so I will write about them occasionally.

It seems that every time I go to church, at least in the past year, my emotions tend to ride the surface and I find myself getting teary eyed at some point.  I feel like I am totally in a good place right now regarding my infertility and recent miscarriage.  I have never had a problem with going to baby showers, being around pregnant women, or babies.  I have never been one to get all upset in those situations.  I do sometimes feel a pang in my heart, but I cannot expect women to stop getting pregnant and babies not to be born.  Truthfully, I don't WANT to stop seeing those things.  I think pregnant women are beautiful and I cannot imagine my life without the cuteness of babies.

I've been seeing a lot of pregnant bellies lately.  They just keep popping up in my every day life.  I've seen three very obviously pregnant girls (that I don't know) in the last few days, two of them at church yesterday.  That doesn't bother me, but it does make me wonder how I would look as a pregnant women.  Would I be showing by now if I hadn't had a miscarriage?  My sister is now 13 weeks and she isn't showing yet.

While I was in church yesterday singing my little heart out, there was a mom in front of me holding her little baby girl.  This little girl was very entertained by me for some reason.  She gave me the biggest smiles and seemed to think I was the funniest thing in the world.  My heart melted for this little girl.  I got all emotional and could hardly sing.  In that moment I thought God may not, and may never, bless me with my own baby, but He has blessed me with so many others.  How could I not just appreciate the fact that in those few minutes in church, I got to make faces and entertain this beautiful baby girl?  In that moment, there was no doubt that she was focused on me, a total stranger.

Over the weekend, Hubby and I got to spend time with 4 of our 6 nieces and nephews.  There truly is nothing better in this world than loving on those kids.  It is such an awesome, amazing experience to be those kids Auntie Amber and Uncle Tony.  Every single time they see us, as soon as we come into their eyesight, they abandon whatever they are doing and run to us shouting "Auntie Amber!  Uncle Tony!" and jump in our arms for great big hugs.  I honestly can't think of anything else that has ever made me feel so loved and important.  I've written about these most important kids in our life in a post titled Other People's Babies if you'd like to read more.

I can't help but feel blessed.  I sometimes question if there really is a God.  It's hard to believe in something you can't see.  It's also hard not to question a God that would allow such awful things in this world, such as natural disasters, war, school shootings....I don't have an answer for that.  I don't have an answer for why Hubby and I are infertile.  However, I do find it much more hopeful to believe.  It provides me so much more peace to believe in heaven.  That there is something better for us one day.  He provided no promises for us here on Earth.  The Bible doesn't say things will be easy.  What I DO know beyond a shadow of a doubt though, is that it is so much more HOPEFUL to believe in a God that loves me.  It is so much more reassuring to believe that there is something more for me after my life here on Earth.  I like to think that someday I will be reunited with my loved ones.  I like to think that someday I will have answers to these hard questions and to know what God's plan is for me.  I DO believe in God.

When I read in my Bible, and every time I go to church, I just feel so much more hopeful in my life.  I feel more at peace and ready to accept whatever is in store for me.  I left church yesterday with a feeling of wanting to be a better person.  Not that I'm a bad person by any stretch of the imagination.  I just left with a feeling of wanting to be less stressed, wanting to handle things with more grace, to be more accepting of others, to be more forgiving and not so easily angered.  Isn't that better than feeling bogged down by life and stressed out about everything?  I've always believed that happiness is a choice.  It is by no means an easy choice, but we do get to decide how we respond to things.

Back in August, when we were deciding what our next step would be after our cancelled IVF #2, I spent a lot of time praying for direction.  We didn't know if we should move forward with another IVF attempt, be done altogether, or use donor eggs.  I prayed a lot.  One day, I was praying while driving down the road, asking what we should do next.  I had an overwhelming feeling that God told me "one more time.  Just one more time."  That is the only time I have ever "heard" God answer me, or speak to me in any way.  So, we moved forward with our one more time, and we opted to use my sister's eggs for this last attempt at a baby of our own.  I never told anyone about that conversation I had with God.  Not my husband, not my sister, nobody.  How could I be sure it was real? But it was plainly stuck in my head.  One more time.

After our miscarriage, I was really conflicted and angry.  I didn't know what to think.  How could God give me such a clear message, and then take it away?  On the evening of my D&C, Hubby and I met with our pastor.  We needed a little counseling in our grief and it turned out to be the best thing we could have done.  Pastor didn't try to explain why God allows things to happen.  He shared some pretty tragic things that had happened in his life, and how his family got past them.  He listened.  I told him about my experience with God telling me "one more time."  His response was just what I needed.  He said "first of all, that is awesome that God spoke to you!"  He affirmed that I wasn't crazy.  Who knows what that one more time meant.  Maybe our experience happened so that we could help someone else going through the same thing.  Maybe that one more time includes our upcoming FET and THAT will be our take home baby.

Maybe our one more time was that we got to experience being pregnant in the first place.  We got to hear our little one's heartbeat together.  We got to talk about baby names and planning our nursery.  We had the amazing experience of sharing our pregnancy announcement with Hubby's parents.

I choose to look at the bright side.  I choose to believe in a loving God that has a plan for us.  I don't know what that plan is and I honestly may never know what that plan is while I'm a living, breathing human being, but I find it much more hopeful to think that one day God's plan WILL be revealed.

And if I am wrong?  What have I lost by believing?  If there is nothing for me on the other side, I won't know the difference anyway.

Saline Infusion Sonogram

My SIS was on Wednesday.  It came with a little bit of stress before hand though.  Less than 24 hours before my appointment, I was informed that $736.87 would be due upon my arrival.  I was expecting maybe a few hundred.  I was not expecting over $700!!

I responded to the financial advisor (FA) questioning the large amount and if my insurance would cover any part of it since it was a diagnostic appointment.  My insurance covers NO part of infertility treatments, but they do cover diagnostics.  Every single thing has been out of pocket (or a loan that we are paying off).  I had thought since this was to check my uterus following the D&C and to look for polyps or fibroids that might have developed, that this procedure would be covered, even if only a little bit.  I asked if there was any way the appointment could be coded differently.  FA (you can read that as Financial Advisor or F-ing A**hole, you decide) informed me that because this was an infertility appointment, it would not be covered.  He also proceeded to inform me that "coding is done by the physicians and it is inappropriate for me to ask them to code it differently."

Really?  I mean, really!!!  I was so pissed off when I read that message.  It's inappropriate for me to ask why I am having to spend $736.87 less than 24 hours before the appointment?  Like I have that kind of money just sitting around that I can just pull out of my pocket at the drop of a hat.  It's inappropriate for me to ASK?  What. the. bloody. hell!

It's not like I was asking them to LIE about it!  I do know that there are different ways you can code these things.  I do take responsibility for the fact that I could have and should have checked on this sooner, but quite frankly, I didn't know I needed to.  For the last 16 months of IF treatments and working with this clinic, I have never been blind sided by such a large amount before.  I also realize that maybe it was a complete misunderstanding on my part what this appointment was for.  Was it something I could have gone to my own OB/GYN for and paid less for the same results?  Probably, but I LIKE my RE.  I didn't question scheduling this appointment with her.  I was looking forward to seeing her.  It didn't even cross my mind NOT to go to the IF clinic.  And I was given less than 24 hours notice for the amount due, so I felt like I had no choice.  It was too late to cancel.  I got the message about the amount the night before and my appointment was at 11:45am so I had no time to cancel or look into it at all before the appointment.

I decided I was going to talk to Dr. W about it anyway, even though it was "inappropriate" to do so.  I am so glad I did.  When she started talking to me about the SIS procedure, I asked if this was a follow up to my D&C to see if everything was all clear in my uterus, and to check for fibroids/polyps.  She confirmed that it was.  Then I got all (embarrassingly) emotional and told her what FA had said.  Dr. W said it was absolutely NO problem to code it as a necessary procedure due to the D&C, rather than for simply IF reasons.  She said that happens all the time.  She also said that FA doesn't have a medical background and doesn't know my history.  He just does the billing.  I can understand that, although it still pisses me off that he said it was inappropriate to ask.  It's also unfortunate that I had to pay $736.87 just to see Dr. W in the first place.  I still don't know what or even if insurance will cover any of it, but I feel much better (and justified) about the fact that I have a chance of that happening, and maybe I will get some money back.  I'm not sure how that will work out.

The great news from the day was that my uterus is all clear!  I have no scar tissue and no polyps to be concerned about.  We are ready to move forward with the FET.  Now it's just a matter of waiting for AF to come for her next visit, which should be sometime the first week of April.  I'm very ready to move forward.  Now to just get through my softball season.....

*I do want to say that I absolutely love my clinic and the RE's and I would highly recommend them to anyone.  I've only ever had billing issues and one bad experience with one nurse, which was fired shortly after my incident with her.  That's something that happened before I started blogging, but would definitely be a worthy blog post!  All the other nurses and the doctor's have been amazing.  Even the receptionist knows me by name.  Wait...maybe that is a bad thing because I've had to go in so many times over the past year and a half!  haha!