Monday, September 18, 2017

Microblog Monday: "I Want My Daddy"

"I want my Daddy." I hear this phrase a minimum of 50 times a day, almost every single day, Monday through Friday. It's exhausting. It's a strain on my patience to constantly repeat that Daddy is at work but he'll be home tonight. It makes me feel like chop liver. It makes me feel unloved. 

know that it's not a measurement of their love fore me, or lack there of, but knowing that doesn't stop it from being difficult to hear this over and over and over and over..... every single day.

If you'd like to read more #MicroblogMonday posts from other bloggers this week, click here.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Tuesday Bullets

You'd think with the kids being in preschool now, I would have time to catch up on things, but that never seems to happen. I didn't realize how fast 2.5 hours would fly by! Seems I barely get started working on something and it's already time to head back and pick the kids up from school. I always have blog posts swirling around in my head, but then never actually sit down and put them together. So, here's a quick summery of what's going on these days...

  • I'm working on the upcoming consignment sale. I've got almost all my items entered into the system and tags printed out. Now I need to work like mad to get everything tagged and on hangers. I have exactly one week to get it done, which sounds like plenty of time, but I am limited to when the kids are either at school or in bed. 

  • We spent Friday night with Tony's parents. They have a ton of family visiting for a family reunion, so met a lot of people I don't know. It was okay, but not my favorite way to pass the time. The kids loved spending time at their grandparents though. Rylee was super happy that she got to ride her horse, Lucy.

  • I had a crazy lunatic mom moment happen on Saturday, driving home. Tony went to the Oregon State football game (they really suck this year. boo!) with his brother and nieces, so it was just me and the kids driving home. MIL had gotten the kids each a balloon on a stick, which we put in the back of the car for the trip home. About an hour into the drive, Rylee said she really had to go poopy. I still keep a potty seat in the back of the car for just these situations. It works so much better than dragging both kids into a gross public gas station bathroom. I took the next exit off the freeway and pulled into a closed auto parts store parking lot, which sits right next to a gas station. I was trying to hurry, so I opened up the back of the car before getting Rylee out of her seat. Wouldn't you know it, but those stupid balloons flew right out of the car and made a mad dash across the parking lot! Like a crazy woman, I chased after them because I had two kids that would scream like banshees if they lost their balloons. I was able to grab one of the balloons, but the other one was moving way too fast over to the gas station parking lot. A semi truck was pulling out to exit and had to slow down as I ran in front of him after this stupid balloon! He wasn't going very fast to begin with and I had plenty of room, but I still felt like an idiot running in front of him. Finally, a guy coming out of the gas station grabbed the balloon for me. Then I made a mad dash back to the car, because it was sitting there unlocked, with the back end open, with the kids inside, along with my purse sitting in the front seat. I stuffed the balloons into the front seat, trying to wedge them onto the floor board, with Rylee telling me she REALLY had to go poopy. But one of those damn things managed to escape again right as I was shutting the door!! Arrrggggg! This time I let the balloon go, because there was no way I would be able to catch up to it a second time. After getting Rylee out and onto the potty seat, I stood there bent over, trying to catch my breath, all while Rylee was screaming and crying about her stupid lost balloon. She cried off and on the entire rest of the drive home and for the entire evening. I officially hate balloons now.

  • Preschool seems to be going pretty good. Ayden adamantly didn't want to go the second morning, but once we arrived, he was off and playing. Every day since then has been relatively easy to get them out of the house in the morning and off to school. They are both full of smiles when I pick them up every day. It's definitely an adjustment though. For all three days last week, once we got home, they both turned into super cranky, emotional little bears. The 2.5 hours of peace while they were gone almost wasn't worth the crankiness in the afternoon! This week seems to be going much better.
Preschool Week 2

  • We struggled off and on all summer with Rylee peeing her pants. I have no idea what the deal is, because she definitely knows better. Well, she is back at it again here recently. Sunday, she peed her pants twice and yesterday she peed on our couch (steam coming out of my ears). And she doesn't seem to care! She just continues on about her business until I discover she is wet. I'm sure it all has to do with starting preschool and the change in our routine, but it's extremely frustrating when she's been completely potty trained for a year and a half already! Sigh.

Whelp, it's time to wake the kiddos up from their naps. If I let them sleep much past 3:00, bedtime becomes a challenge. And we can't let that happen because Tony and I are catching up on the show This is Us before the new season starts. I've already seen the first season, but Tony decided he wanted to watch it too, so I'm watching it again with him.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

First Day of Preschool

Last spring, Rylee told me pretty much every single day that she wanted to go to school. We had been unsure about having them start preschool this year or next, but after visiting the school during their open house, we decided to bite the bullet and signed them both up. The kids have waited patiently all summer for this day to come.

A few weeks ago, I took the kids shopping with me. I had to buy a wedding gift and while we were there, I browsed the shoe department. Ayden was in desperate need of tennis shoes. I found a sales rack that had TMNT shoes, Spiderman, Paw Patrol, etc. Ayden fell in love with a pair of light up Spiderman shoes. Of course, those were the one pair of shoes on the rack that ended up NOT being on sale, but I couldn't put them back. He was so excited about the shoes, I had to buy them anyway (while internally cringing over the price). We brought the shoes home and put them up, saving them for the first day of school,

On Sunday, we took the kids school shopping. This only consisted of letting the kids pick out backpacks and picking up their school supplies, but Ayden and Rylee were super excited and so was their mom and dad. Experiencing their joy and excitement is truly the best thing about being a parent. Once we were done with our shopping, we took them to see Despicable M3. They LOVED it! This was their 4th movie theater experience. Every other movie we have taken them to, they usually down their drinks in 10 seconds and then we spend the rest of the movie with a million trips to the bathroom. Well, they still downed their drinks pretty quickly, but Ayden made it through the ENTIRE movie without a single trip to the bathroom!! He was so totally engrossed in the "Minion" movie, there was no way he was leaving. Rylee had to have two potty breaks, but that is still a vast improvement over the previous trips to the movies!

Yesterday, their school opened for drop ins to meet the teachers and drop off school supplies. The kids checked out all the toys and played for a bit, and we found their names marking where their seats would be when class started. Once we were home and they'd had their naps, we picked out their clothes for school the next day, and I pulled Ayden's Spiderman shoes out of the closet. Oh. My. Gosh. The excitement! He tried them on and was totally stoked about his new light up shoes. He wore them for the entire rest of the day. Of course Rylee really wanted light up shoes then, too! Fortunately, she had a pair in her closet that she'd gotten for Christmas and we just needed to wait for her to grow into them. I pulled them out and tried them on her. Yay! They fit! So they both ran around the house in their new light up shoes. They could barely contain their excitement.

And finally we made it to today! Their first day of school! Ayden gobbled down his breakfast so that he could get dressed and put his new shoes on. Rylee was too excited to eat, so she took for-ev-er to finish her breakfast, but she finally did. She requested that I put "ponytail braids" in her hair. Of course I had to oblige.

Once they were dressed, they got their shoes on, put their backpacks on, and were ready to GO! They put up no fuss at all to the obligatory first day of school photos. Although, it was like pulling teeth to get them both to look at the camera at the same time. They think it's hilarious to look elsewhere. Ayden actually made the discovery that we had a porch light, because he insisted on looking up! lol. I did manage to get a few really cute pictures though.

My favorite picture of the day!

I don't know if they were more excited about their new shoes and backpacks, or about school!

First day of school family selfie.

Dropping them off at school felt very anticlimactic. We signed them in, found the cubbies for their backpacks, and then they were off playing. Tony and I ended up leaving without even saying goodbye, which I later felt really guilty about. They were happy and distracted and we just felt like it would be best not to potentially rock the boat by pointing out to them that we were leaving. I wish I knew how they reacted once they realized we were gone.

I am totally excited about having some time to myself in the mornings. I have a ton of stuff I need to do to get ready for the upcoming consignment sale in just two weeks. Then I plan to finish painting our house and unpacking. Finally. Then, who knows? Maybe I'll actually be able to read a book! Or clean the house uninterrupted! The possibilities are endless! Although, I did discover that those 2.5 hours go by really, really, really fast! haha

When I picked them up from school, Rylee was upset because she thought she was going to be leaving without her "pirate hat" that she'd made. She didn't realize that her teacher had gone to get it for her and started having little meltdown, thinking we were leaving without it. She calmed down once she finally had it in her hands.

After school picture. Ayden called his hat a "captain hat" and Rylee's was a "pirate hat."

I think they both had a great day at school, although it's hard to get a lot of feedback from 3 year olds! Rylee was very emotional and sensitive from the time I picked her up till shortly after their nap (when I distracted them with play-doh). Her favorite part of school today was snack time, and learning a new fishy song. She did tell me that one of the teachers wasn't very nice. She said that the teacher told her she had to get out of the kitchen. Seems like a good rule to me that the kids can't be in the kitchen while the snacks are being prepared, and knowing Rylee, she was trying to be right there so she could get her snack first! I think she was just a little over sensitive to maybe thinking she got in trouble.

Ayden's favorite part of school was playing with the two tractor toys. I didn't get any other feedback from him at all! But he seemed the most happy and content with how the day went, which I was a little surprised about. I think Rylee was just a little overwhelmed with all the excitement and the newness of going to school.

Hopefully we will all settle into the new routine before long. I am a little nervous for the day one of them tells me they don't want to go to school. I know that day will come! I just hope it's not tomorrow already. Ha!

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

50 Questions You've Never Been Asked

Risa, from, recently tagged me to participate in her own 50 Questions You've Never Been Asked post. I love these kind of get-to-know-you question and answer posts, so here you go!
01. What’s your favorite candle scent? I stopped burning candles once Ayden and Rylee were born. However, I used to be a candle lady at one time, and sold PartyLite candles (direct sales). My favorite scent was Creme Carmel. Mmmmmm.
02. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister? Kristen Bell. I love her. She seems like a very down to earth person. She's quirky while also being beautiful and funny.

03. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother? Well, sticking with the Kristen Bell theme, I think I'll pick Dax Shepard. He's her husband, in case you didn't know. Wait a minute. That would be weird, because then they'd be siblings too.... I pick him because I watched Parenthood, a show I've seen every episode of.

04. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married? I was one month shy of turning 23.
05. Do you know a hoarder? Tony would tell you that I'm one. Or at least used to be. I've actually gotten rid of a LOT of stuff over the last few years. Moving 4 times in 2 years kind of forces a person to downsize. Actually, I got rid of a ton of stuff in preparation for the babies being born. That was the start of my purging.
06. Can you do the splits? That would be a firm no.
07. How old were you when you first learned how to ride a bike? I have absolutely no idea, but I did learn, so..... maybe I should ask my mom.
08. How many oceans have you swam in? Oh goodness. This is going to take some googling...

I have swam in two oceans, the Pacific and Atlantic. But I've also swam in the Caribbean Sea and the Sea of Cortez.
09. How many countries have you been to? Two, United States and Mexico
10. Is anyone in your family in the army? My dad was in the Army. My grandpa served in the Navy. I have a cousin that has recently enlisted, but I don't know which branch.
11. What would you name your daughter if you had one? Rylee Viola

12. What would you name your son if you had one? Ayden James. I had this named picked out for years.

13. What’s the worst grade you’ve got on a test? Ohhhh, I failed a few here and there.
14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a kid? I loved watching Saturday morning cartoons at my grandparents house: Looney Tunes and Smurfs were favorites. I also loved Who's the Boss.
15. What did you dress up as for Halloween when you were 8? Specifically when I was 8? Hahahaha! Someone thinks I have a good memory. I have no idea what I was when I was 8 years old, but I do remember dressing up as a witch once or twice.
16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series? I've read all the books in each of those series. I've seen all the movies too!
17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent? I already have an American accent, but I used to pretend I had a British accent!
18. Did your mother go to college? Not until I was in middle school. As a single parent, she went back to school and became a nurse.
19. Are your grandparents still married? They were married until my grandpa passed away several years ago.
20. Have you ever taken karate lessons? No, but I used to pretend to be the Karate Kid. You know, that famous one legged crane kick...

21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is? Of course. Is there anyone who doesn't know Kermit the Frog?

22. What was the first amusement park you went to? Enchanted Forest, one of my favorite places as a child AND as an adult!
23. What language beside your native language would you like to be fluent in? Spanish. I took three years of French in high school, but the only thing I can remember is how to count to three and say yes. I actually know more Spanish words than French!
24. Do you spell the color grey or gray? I've always spelled it grey, and I've been so confused why there are two different options!
25. Is your father bald? I don't think so. 
26. Do you know any triplets? I used to work with a triplet, but never met her siblings. I know several triplets online in the infertility community, but haven't met any of them in person.
27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook? I love both of the movies, but REALLY loved the book, The Notebook.
28. Have you ever had Indian food? I'm not sure.
29. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant? Anything Mexican, probably Ixtapa. 
30. Have you ever been to Nandos? I don't even know what that is!
31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, Bookers, etc.)? I spend way too much money at Costco.
32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender? I'm not sure what my name would have been if I was a boy, but my mom did almost name me Poppy LaRue. Thank God she didn't!
33. If you have a nickname, what is it? Mommy. When I was in high school and first started coaching (before getting married), they all called my Kass (pronounced Kazz). My maiden name was Kassner.
34. Who’s your favorite person in the world? Tough question. Probably Tony's grandpa. Ayden and Rylee are my favorite little people. Obviously.
35. Would you rather live in the countryside or the city? In the country for sure, but close enough to be able to drive into town.
36. Can you whistle? Yes.
37. Do you sleep with a nightlight? Only in the bathroom, for middle of the night potty trips.
38. Do you eat breakfast every morning? Yes.
39. Do you take any pills or medication daily? No.
40. What medical conditions do you have? Besides infertility? I'm currently very over weight. Sigh.
41. How many times have you been to the hospital? I've only ever stayed overnight in the hospital during the kids' birth, which was 6 days hospital bedrest after my water broke, and then 19 days while they were in the NICU. 
42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo? Of course.
43. Where do you buy your jeans? The last pair I bought was from Costco a few years ago.
44. What’s the last compliment you got? The kids told me that dinner was delicious tonight. I made spaghetti. lol
45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning? Sometimes, but usually no.
46. What flavor of tea do you enjoy? Yuck. I don't like tea. Or coffee. What is wrong with me?
47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own? Too many to count. Probably in the neighborhood of 15-20, mostly tennis shoes and flip flops.
48. What religion will you raise your children to practice? Christian - Non denominational.
49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real? I don't remember the moment I found out.
50. Why do you have a blog? When we were venturing into fertility treatments, I read a LOT of blogs. I was obsessed with learning as much as I could from others that were going through the same thing. One day I started writing about my own journey. 


Who I'm tagging to answer these questions next:

Amie at Is It Time Yet?

Jane at Mine to Command

Non Sequitur Chica at Non Sequitur Chica

Stacie at Life As I Know It

Kimberly at No Good Eggs

Amanda at Burnt Toast Life

And of course anyone else that would like to participate! I would love to read your 50 questions/answers. Click here for an easy way to copy and paste the questions. Hope you don't mind that I'm stealing your template Risa :)

Please comment and post the link to your post if you do choose to participate, so I can be sure to read your own answers and learn more about YOU! Even if you don't have a blog yet, what a great way to start one!

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Right Now

Reading: We are STILL reading the Big Book of Big Dinosaurs every. single. night. We always let the each of the kids pick a book to read before bed. Ayden has picked this same book, every night since Easter. My knowledge of dinosaurs is ridiculous. Did you know that a Tyrannosaurus Rex's teeth were 14 inches long? The Diplodocus was the longest dinosaur and the Sauroposeidon was the tallest.

Watching: We recently started a 30 day free trial of Hulu, just so we could watch This is Us. I watched the show when it was on before, but Tony decided he wanted to watch it too. Season 1 is just as good the second time around. I can't wait for the show to start up again this fall.

I'm also watching America's Got Talent. Have you seen the 12 year old ventriloquist, Darci Lynne? If you haven't, you NEED TO! Just click on her name (that I just typed) and it will take you to a video of her first audition. Incredible!

Listening: We've been listening to We Are The Dinosaurs (surprised? lol), by the Laurie Berkner Band. The kids both love this song! If you have a little one that is really into dinosaurs, find this song for him/her. Just do it. And then you can blame me for it being stuck in your head.

Drinking: Always water, but not near as much as I should be drinking it lately. Also, Minute Maid Light Lemonade, and Diet Pepsi. I don't usually drink a lot of pop, but we had company last weekend and there was a few cans left that hadn't been opened, so I treated myself.

Eating: Lately I've been stuck on Pirate Booty. The kids love it for a snack, and so do I. Too much actually. It's addicting.

Wearing: A softball senior all star shirt from back in my coaching days when I helped coach the senior all star games. It's dated 2009. It's just a few years old! haha! I'm also wearing a pair of softball pajama shorts.

Loving: When my kids happily play together. Listening to them giggling and having fun together is everything. They fight a lot over toys, who gets to go potty first, who sits in what chair... It's exhausting. But usually at least once/day, they play nicely together. Those moments make the screaming matches a tiny bit more tolerable.

Anticipating: Being reunited with my sisters again tomorrow! Last summer, Sis and I traveled to Montana to meet our baby sister, who we hadn't seen in 30 years up till that point. This year, Baby Sis is traveling here to Oregon with her family! We'll all be under one roof for an entire week and I can't wait!

The 3 of us from last summer: Baby Sis, Sis, and me.

Hoping: That the eclipse traffic won't be as bad as anticipated. We have 100% totality here, which is awesome, but also means chaos. Oregon is expected to have a million extra visitors for this once in a lifetime event. I'm hoping it doesn't interfere with our plans for the week, with Baby Sis here.

Following: The news regarding the eclipse. I've read a few articles about eye safety. We have glasses for watching it, but I am nervous for the kids, as they just won't understand that they need to keep the glasses on and not look at the sun. I've also been following the traffic news. So far, it doesn't seem as bad as anticipated, but it's not over yet, so we will see.

Wondering: If I will ever get motivated enough to actually make exercise and eating healthier a priority. I'm seriously not happy with my body. Yet, I can't seem to make that leap into making healthier choices. I just need to do it. Ugh. I'm embarrassed that I used to be a personal trainer. My life is so far from that now.

Trying: To work on my patience. It's a challenge. Three year old whining, crying, and fighting about everything grates on my nerves to no end.

Worrying: About Ayden's stutter. I've been meaning to write a blog post about this topic specifically, but I just haven't been able to sit down and put my thoughts into words yet. The short version is that Ayden started stuttering on the 4th of July. It progressively got worse for 3 weeks, to the point that he could barely talk. It's gotten a million times better since then, but is still a pretty serious issue. I'm worried that this will be a permanent thing. I'm worried about how it will effect him in school and with his peers.

Planning: To celebrate our anniversary! The in-laws will be watching the kids for a weekend. This will be our first weekend away from them ever! We've done a few overnight trips, but never more than one night. I am so looking forward to having two days to focus on us. It is much needed. Now we just have to decide what we want to do.

Contemplating: Going to bed. I really, really need to go to bed now.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Period Watch: 2017

I feel pretty stupid for writing my last post. My period finally decided to show up the very next day, ten days late. I mean, I knew it was an impossibility for me to be pregnant, but for some reason I just couldn't keep my mind going there anyway. Why? Why did I torture myself like that?

I'll tell ya why. Because we had sex during my supposed "fertile" window. Because I was TEN days late! Because while the thought of having another baby freaks me out on many levels, it would also be such a freaking miracle. Because I've had a touch of baby fever lately. One of my very favorite things to do is snuggling newborn babies! Ayden and Rylee LOVE babies so much. I have NO doubt that they would be ecstatic to have a baby brother or sister. They have never, ever expressed an ounce of jealousy whenever I've held another baby. No, instead they fawn all over the baby and fight over who gets to hold it next. They say things like, "she's so cuuuuuute!"

However, I really couldn't imagine keeping up with Ayden and Rylee while pregnant, let alone with the sleep deprivation that comes with having a newborn. Also, we are finally in a place financially right now that is somewhat comfortable. Not great, but we are at least not paycheck to paycheck and have a decent savings built up.

I gave up the idea of ever getting pregnant on our own YEARS ago, way before Ayden and Rylee ever came along. It's not something that will ever be in my reality. Plus, I'm almost 43 for crying out loud. I'm a frickin old lady with old lady eggs! Apparently that doesn't stop me from wondering what if though....

Period Watch 2017 (as dubbed by one of my infertility sister friends) is officially over.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Where is Aunt Flo?

Can I just say what a mind fuck it is for my period to be NINE days late?

Please excuse my language, but it's the only thing that I can think of to accurately describe what it's like for an infertile to have her period be 9 days late. I'm pretty sure I was about a week late last month too, but I don't really know because I wasn't really keeping track. I've always been pretty consistent though.

Years ago, when we were trying to get pregnant, I used a period tracking app on my phone. I'd been debating downloading it again, just so I could be more aware of my body and stop guessing as to when Aunt Flo would be visiting. After last month, I bit the bullet and did it.

And now I'm 9 days late.

And I can't help but wonder, what if.........?

I'm just a few months shy of turning 43. I have such sucky egg production that even with the maximum dosage of stims, IVF didn't work for me. Tony has really terrible sperm, in both quantity and quality. We were blessed with our two babies because we used donor eggs and they were able to spin Tony's sperm to pick out the best ones. This was after 12+ years of trying on our own. Pregnancy is virtually impossible for us.

And yet I can't help but have it cross my mind when I am 9 days late.

I have no doubt that this is really just the beginning of perimenopause. My mind knows that, but my heart is another matter altogether.

Right now, I'm just really tired of waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting..... for Aunt Flo to show up. Actually, truth be told, I wouldn't mind if she doesn't rear her ugly head ever again. But the unknown is killing me!