2nd Ultrasound

Yesterday I was 7 weeks, 3 days.  Or was it really 6 weeks, 5 days?  Are you confused?

From the date of egg retrieval and fertilization, yesterday I would have been 7 weeks, 3 days.  However, remember last week when I said the fetus was measuring small?  It is still measuring small.  It measured at 6 weeks, 5 days yesterday.

This may not be a problem, as it just might have implanted late.  I asked Dr. W what that means and she explained that when they transfer the embryo's, they are basically just floating around in your uterus.  Then it is the job of the embryo to implant.  It could have just taken a few days longer than usual. 

The good news is that from last weeks ultrasound to this week, the growth was exactly one week.  Measuring small is not a problem as long as the growth stays on track for the time period lapsed from week to week.

The other kind of good news, but maybe not....is that there was a heartbeat!  It was very exciting to see AND actually get to hear the heartbeat.  However, it was only 108 which I thought was probably a bit low based on everything I've read and Dr. W confirmed that.  She said the minimum they want to see is 100, which we've reached, but they really would like it to be around 120.

I am scheduled for another ultrasound a week from yesterday, so next Monday again to make sure the growth is on track and to hopefully see the heart rate a bit higher.  If the ultrasound shows another weeks growth and the fetus growing at a continuous rate, then Dr. W feels fairly comfortable graduating us out of the clinic to our regular OB (which I need to start shopping for a new OB!).

When the heartbeat came up on the screen, I was so relieved to see it.  Hubby started crying.  I love that he is so emotionally invested, but I'm not sure what is wrong with me.  I was excited, but I am having a hard time feeling attached and believing it is real.  It's been so long that we have waited for this moment, and now that it is here, I just don't feel pregnant.  Yes, I've had a few symptoms, but NOTHING major and all of them could honestly be chalked up to other things.  It's hard to feel attached to this pregnancy when we are so worried about it not sticking.  We didn't see the heartbeat with the first ultrasound and were told it's measuring small.  So we worried.  Now yesterday the heartbeat is low and it is still measuring small and we have to wait and worry for another week.  The great news is that the growth matched the time in between ultrasounds, but we are "not out of the woods yet" in Dr. W's words.  When will the time come that I am just able to enjoy this moment?

I want to google what it means that the heartbeat is only 108, but I am not going to because I know I will not like what I read.  I want to see/hear positive things.  I absolutely do not need more things to worry about.

One thing that I am happy about is the fact that I get another ultrasound so quickly.  I mean really, who gets three weeks in a row so early in their pregnancy?  Of course, as I type that, I start to question myself and think, well, maybe that is not a good thing.  Arg!

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On a different subject, our softball weekend in Phoenix was great!  The players had a great time, the parents had a great time, and it was a wonderful distraction for us getting to do something we love.  The only thing we were disappointed in is that there were not a lot of college coaches there.  It was supposed to be a college exposure tournament with top level DI coaches attending for recruiting purposes.  We only saw about three coaches.  The Minnesota coach followed our team pretty closely and was very interested in one of our pitchers.  It's an exciting process to be a part of, but we do wish the tournament was as advertised due to the traveling expenses to get there.

 

Arizona was great.  We loved the blue sky and 70* weather.  However, we knew it would be chilly in the mornings and evenings, but we did not expect it to be frozen!  On Saturday morning, we started our first game in 34* temperature!  It was so cold!  We were not expecting that.  But different than Oregon, it was 34* with no wind and it was dry!  That was a nice change.

 

Our team did great considering we have not been outside or hit off a live pitcher in 3 months!  It took us a bit to get back into the groove and hit the way the girls normally do.  We played 2 warm up games on Friday, losing the first game 0-2 and winning the second.  The actual tournament started on Saturday and we played 5 more games the rest of the weekend, going undefeated.  I'd say it was a pretty good weekend.

I Caved

I couldn't take it anymore.  I caved and gave into my craving.  That's right, I peed on a stick.  According to the stick, I am still pregnant.  Here is a picture of all the tests I've taken, minus the very first one that was digital, because the digital readout disappeared after about a week or so.  That was a sad day when I couldn't read the word "pregnant" anymore.

The first 3 tests shown here were taken before the beta.  In the picture it appears that the second test line was not as dark, but that is just the glare in the picture.  The line was actually the exact same as the first one.  Then it shows my test last week at 5 weeks, 6 days, and my test today at 6 weeks, 5 days.  Today's test definitely shows the darkest line out of all of them.  I am taking that as a good sign.  I realize if something weren't quite right and there is no heart beat come Monday, there would still be a line showing HCG on the test.  However, wouldn't it maybe be a lighter line if the pregnancy was dying off?  That's just my theory.  As of right now, I am taking it as I am still pregnant because it is the darkest line yet!

I also had a few pregnancy signs today.  For the last 3 years or so, I have eaten an apple or pear and a string cheese for my morning snack almost every single day.  Literally, just about every day that is what I eat.  Well, I can hardly seem to finish my pear lately because I just don't seem to want to eat it and I can hardly stomach string cheese right now.  The other day, I actually threw a small portion of the string cheese away because I just couldn't force myself to eat it.  Today was the same thing.  It just seems to taste really bad to me right now.  I'd say I was just getting sick of eating it everyday, but you'd think after eating it for 3 years, that wouldn't be a problem.  Also, my breasts are definitely more sore today.

Tomorrow we fly to Arizona for our softball tournament.  I am a little nervous about going through airport security with my PIO and needles.  I got a note from the nurse at my clinic when I was there on Monday to excuse the meds so that should be fine.  I also plan to bypass the x-ray and opt for the pat down, which I have never done before.  I'm nervous about how that is going to go, especially since I will be with several people from our team that don't know I'm pregnant.  We'll see how that goes.....

I won't have access to a computer all weekend, so I won't be able to blog.  I will still be checking in on everyone else's blogs from my phone, but I probably won't post anything as it is more difficult on my phone.  We used to have a laptop that we took with us when we traveled, but it died a few months ago.  It was a sad day.

We come back Sunday night, then on Monday will be our next ultrasound!  I am so thankful for the weekend distraction, minus the stress of the airport.  We are also really excited because we have never been to Arizona before.  It's another state we can check off our list!

First Ultrasound

Well, our first ultrasound yesterday was disappointing to say the least.  It could have been worse, but it definitely did not provide the reassurance we were hoping for.

It was very difficult to see anything on the screen, at least for our untrained eyes.  I expected to at least see a small blob, but we didn't.  What we did see was a circle that you had to strain to see.  The doctor told us that was the yolk sac.  There was a little tiny speck of white that we could barely see if she held the wand just right.  She said that was the fetus.  We had to take her word for it.

What she also said was she couldn't find a flicker of the heart beat.  Nope, maybe she saw it.  She's not really sure.  She said it's probably just still too early to see it.  (I was 6 weeks, 3 days yesterday)  She took the measurements and said it's measuring small, but that it's most likely because it implanted late.  She said she's not worried.  Just before she took the wand out, she said she thought she saw some flickering.  Hhmmm....

Hubby and I both feel like she had to say she wasn't worried.  We also kind of feel like she was just making it up that she saw the flickering just to make us feel better.  We are trying not to panic.

I am supposed to continue with the PIO injections and taking the estrace twice a day.  We are scheduled for another ultrasound next week on Monday, which will put me at 7 weeks, 3 days.  I really, really hope that we get good news that day.

I still have not felt any morning sickness.  I have read on other blogs with women about as far along as I am that have been having it for a week or two already.  My sister had morning sickness with all 3 of her babies, starting around 5 weeks.  But I also know there are a few ladies that don't ever really feel sick at all throughout their entire pregnancies.  Could I be so lucky?

There are times when I do feel like maybe I have some pregnancy symptoms.  I have to pee a lot.  But then again, I have ALWAYS had to pee a lot.  I drink a lot of water and it tends to go right through me.  I have been pretty tired and taking naps.  I have had several nights of insomnia which could be the contributing factor to the naps.  The insomnia could be due to worry rather than being pregnant.  I've been pretty hungry.  More so than seems normal, but maybe I'm just hungry.  There have been a few times that I couldn't finish my meal, but then again, maybe I was just full.  But then that never happens to me.  I've always been able to finish my plate.  However, the last two days I've actually gone back for seconds.  Uh oh.  What does that mean?  I have read that most girls experience a LOT of breast tenderness.  Mine really haven't hurt.  They were kind of itchy and sensitive the other day, but it really hasn't been that big of a deal.  I remember when I was taking the stim drugs that my boobs were extremely sensitive and sore.  I feel nothing like that now.

I am just sharing with you a taste of the ramblings that have been going through my mind lately.  It was difficult waiting for that first ultrasound and now I have to wait a whole extra week to hopefully get the reassurance that everything is progressing as it should.  I have to say that it really sucks!

In addition to all of that, remember my cousin and his wife that announced their pregnancy at our family Christmas party?  I found out over the weekend that she had a miscarriage on Friday.  That is her second miscarriage.  I feel so bad for them.  My heart hurts for them.  It also makes me that much more nervous for myself.

I want to go pee on a stick, but I really don't want to see that the line has faded.  I don't want to see that and then have to wait till Monday to go in.  We leave town on Thursday for the weekend, so I wouldn't be able to call and get in early.  We are leaving for a softball tournament in Phoenix.  We are taking our traveling team there for a big college exposure tournament.  If anything, at least that will be a big distraction to help Monday come sooner.

I did pee on a stick last Thursday.  I just couldn't wait until the ultrasound!  The pregnancy line showed darker than the pink baseline.  I felt pretty good about it.  And then we had our appointment yesterday.  I don't know what to think!!!!  And the only damn craving I have is to pee on another damn stick!

6 Weeks!

Today I am 6 weeks pregnant.  It just seems very crazy to even be saying that!  Only 3 more days and we will get to see the little one's heart beat.  Or at least that is the hope.  I don't know what will happen if we don't.  I am also dying to know if there is one or two little guys in there!  I would actually really like two, but I don't want to wish for anything but a healthy pregnancy.  Even though I would love to have twins, I don't want to be selfish.  I will be ecstatic with even just ONE healthy baby.

I haven't been feeling much, so it is still hard to believe that I am actually pregnant.  I have had some symptoms, but if I didn't actually KNOW I was pregnant, I wouldn't really think anything of them.  Here's what my symptoms have been so far:

• First symptom I got was getting a shaky feeling when I got hungry.  I normally eat every 2-3 waking hours and typically, when I'd get hungry my stomach would growl.  After the transfer, if I was hungry, I actually just felt really shaky.

• Insomnia - I have ALWAYS had to get up in the middle of the night to pee at least once.  Now it's been at least twice/night.  There has been several nights when I would get up around 2:00 and NOT BE ABLE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP and have ended up being awake the rest of the night.  It sucks.

• While I have been getting very hungry, food just doesn't really seem to appeal to me right now.  There have been a few times that I just simply couldn't finish my meal.  That never happens to me.  I am one that always cleans my plate to the last drop or speck of food.  Some of my favorite foods just seem tasteless to me right now.

• The last few days I have been feeling very bloated after eating, although I have not gained any weight.  Not even through the holidays.  Major success for me!

• There have been a few times that I've felt nauseous, or at least I think I have.  But then, my niece ended up with the flu the other night when she spent the night and puked 4 times!  (Yay me)  So I don't know whether to think I caught her bug, or if I'm just pregnant :)

• My breasts have felt slightly tender/itchy the last few days.  However, this really isn't that unusual for me, as my husband would attest to.

That's about it.  Nothing major, and nothing I wouldn't chalk up as being so totally out there.  If I didn't know better, I wouldn't think anything much of any of this under normal circumstances.  For the time being, I am going to relish in considering them all pregnancy symptoms though.

We are spending the weekend at the coast with Hubby's family.  It will be a nice distraction and hopefully help the days go faster, so Monday and our first ultrasound will get here quicker.  As much as I am hoping for some morning sickness and a REAL sign of pregnancy, I wouldn't mind it waiting now a few more days.  We still haven't told our families yet that we are pregnant.  We are waiting until after the ultrasound before we make it official.  They know we were doing infertility treatments and that we should know pretty soon if it worked or not, but we haven't given them any details about when any of the procedures were.  It will be hard to explain me ralphing without them guessing.  That's not exactly how I want to break the news, so as much as I wouldn't mind getting sick, I wouldn't mind it holding off for another couple days.

Fear

Today I am 5 weeks, 5 days.  I am finding it very difficult not to be fearful.  We have our first ultrasound on Dec. 31st and I am fearful that there will be no heartbeat.  I am fearful that if there is one, that we won't make it to the second trimester.  I am fearful that if we do make it to the second trimester that we won't make it much beyond that.  I am fearful....

We have been trying to get pregnant and start our family for so long (13 years) that it just seems so unreal that I actually am pregnant, despite what the pee sticks say and the beta test confirmed.  While I am SO very excited, I am finding it difficult to be attached to the baby growing inside of me.  I have read a few other blogs of women very close to me in their pregnancies and how much they are so in love with their little one already.  It's hard for me to feel that way when I hardly even feel pregnant.

I've been spending a lot of time praying each day and trying to lay my burdens down, giving my fears over to God.  Even though I mean it every time I pray, it is still hard for my heart to let go of those fears.

I enjoyed participating in ICLW last month, and for the most part I have enjoyed it this month as well.  I have found some new blogs that I really enjoy.  However, it has also been difficult to read the blogs dealing with loss/miscarriage.  I am afraid of following in those footsteps.  I found a blog the other day, Life is Hard, about their stillborn son born at 22 weeks.  I read almost her entire blog.  My heart went out to her and her family.  I can't imagine the pain of making it to just over the half way point in my pregnancy and then losing my baby.

I would like to be excited about being pregnant, but the fear makes it a challenge.  It also makes it hard to believe that we will actually get our take home baby at the end of all this.  Maybe after we see the heartbeat on Monday, I will feel better about things.  Maybe.

I do have my moments of being excited.  I loved the fact that Hubby gave me our baby's first outfit for Christmas.  He was doing his Christmas shopping, but stopped to look at the baby clothes.  He said he just couldn't resist getting this little outfit because it was "just too perfect!"  Remember, we are softball coaches, so this outfit really could not have been any more fitting - whether we have a boy OR a girl.

I absolutely love the fact that he couldn't resist.  I love the fact that he was looking at baby stuff in the stores.  He is so excited, and I am so glad.  Hopefully his excitement will rub off on me.

Bite Your Tongue!

Last night was our Christmas Party for my side of the family.  Normally, we have always celebrated on Christmas Eve, but not everyone would have been able to be there this year so we changed the day.  What makes Christmas so special to me is being able to see pretty much my whole family together, which just hardly ever happens so I am glad we were able to get together early this year.

It was a lot of fun.  I wasn't sure how it would be since this is our first Christmas without Grandpa.  It was also a lot different because my cousin and his new wife have moved into my Grandparents house.  They totally have made it into a new place, which is awesome.  The house is very old and very run down, so it needed a little help.  My Grandma actually grew up there, as well as all my aunts and uncles, and my sister and I.  I was afraid Grandma might have some words about how the place looked without all HER stuff, but it was no problem.  (she now lives in an assisted living)

At one point in the evening, Hubby and I had to disappear to go do my PIO injection.  I actually thought this was kind of funny.  We'd been wondering all week how this was going to go over, but it didn't end up being a big deal because nobody noticed we disappeared into the bathroom together.  Except my sister, but she knew what we were doing.  We got the deed done, and then Hubby left the bathroom while I finished tucking in my shirt and buttoning my pants (sounds dirty huh?).  Nobody saw us go in or out of the bathroom.  Nobody even asked where we went.  Mission accomplished.

Later that night, as people were starting to get ready to leave, came the big announcement.  My cousin and his new wife gathered everyone in the living room.  You can probably guess where this is going.  Yep.  They announced they are pregnant and due in August.  It makes sense and isn't all that surprising.  Everyone was there together.  Makes perfect sense to make that announcement.  I had to bite. my. tongue.  It was SO hard for me NOT to say anything!

She is due just 2 weeks before me!  They just got married in September.  I'm not surprised they are pregnant.  I kinda figured it was coming.  Here's a little back story:

About a year ago, before they were even engaged but had been dating for several years, they found out they were pregnant.  My cousin freaked a little, but then they were both very excited.  I found out at an annual girls scrapbooking weekend at the coast.  When they told me, I was excited for them, but really hurt inside at the same time.  I'm the oldest of all the grandkids.  I was supposed to have babies first, but pretty much they have all passed me up.  It's hard to want your own kids, but everyone else gets them instead, even your baby brother who had a baby right out of high school (that's a whole other post!).

I don't think it was more than two weeks later, that she had a miscarriage.  I know they had to be devastated.  I can't imagine what that would feel like to get so excited about your baby, and then all those dreams....die.  I hurt for them, but never brought it up.  And I've never heard anyone talk about it.  Shortly after, they were engaged.  Then married in September.

I can't help but feel a little like they stole a bit of my thunder.  But at the same time, if I followed up their announcement with one of my own (which I was dying to do), I probably would have stolen a bit of their thunder in return.  While this was going on, I was on the opposite side of the room from Hubby.  I SOOoooooo wanted to say something!  It was running through my mind that we could tell everyone and then turn around and tell his parents at Christmas.  I am only 5 weeks at this point.  That would make them about 7 weeks.  I don't know if they've already had their ultrasound.  I would imagine they have.  I just can't help but think about how I so wish it was that easy for us to get pregnant.  To get married in September, want to start TTC right away, and then boom, make your announcement at Christmas.  I could only wish.

On the way home, Hubby commented that if they are due in August also, they are sharing the news pretty early.  I know Hubby has been dying to tell everyone too.  I don't know if he was saying that to rub it in that I've been making him wait, or if he was just making an observation.  I don't know what he was thinking because he was really in a mood on the way home.  It was an awkward drive home.  He insisted he wasn't mad, or in a funky mood, but uhhh.....I beg to differ.

Fortunately, I was able to keep my mouth shut and didn't spill the beans about our little bean :)  As much as I want so desperately to tell everyone, I really want to wait until we see the heartbeat at the very least.  I really want to start FEELING pregnant.  I do have small symptoms, just nothing major, and nothing I would attribute to being pregnant if I didn't know better.  I get ravenously hungry.  I get a little crampy at times.  I have insomnia.

But my boobs don't hurt at all!  Shouldn't they?  I have the most sensitive breasts and have always complained about that.  Just not recently.  My weight is actually lower than it's been in a long time.  I fit into a pair of jeans last night that I haven't worn in years.  I know I shouldn't wish this one, but I do wish for morning sickness so I can know this pregnancy is real.  I hope I can regret thinking that someday.  After reading that morning sickness means a considerable lower risk of miscarriage, I've been thinking BRING IT ON!

I do wish my cousins the best of luck.  I absolutely am happy for them.  I hope that this time next year, we both will have our own babies to bring to the family Christmas party.  Only 8 more days until our first ultrasound........

A Recap for ICLWer's

If you are participating in ICLW, welcome and thank you SO much for stopping by my blog!  Actually, even if you aren't doing ICLW, thank you for visiting as well :)

Here's a little recap about me and our story:

I am 38, have been married for 15 years, and have been TTC for 13 of those years.  We spent a long time way back when taking temps, charting, all that jazz...to no avail.  I tried expensive supplements to try to increase my fertility, but that didn't work.

We were told that it wasn't IMPOSSIBLE to get pregnant, but it was highly unlikely.  We were not able to pursue fertility treatments at that time because we just simply did not have the finances for it.  So we continued trying naturally, and basically came to the conclusion that we just weren't meant to be parents, although both Hubby and I wanted a family very much.

We have distracted ourselves over the years by coaching softball.  The girls we have coached became "our kids."  The only problem with that, is that they graduate from high school and move on.  While we keep in touch with a lot of them, it is just not the same.  We also have dedicated ourselves to being an outstanding Auntie and Uncle to our nieces and nephews, who truly are the loves of our lives.

In October of last year, I turned 37 and just 3 days after my birthday, I witnessed my youngest nephew being born.  That was the turning point.  I didn't want to end up in my 40's/50's and look back regretting that we didn't do absolutely everything we possibly could to have a baby.  So we scheduled a consultation at a fertility clinic.

At that very first appointment, we were shocked when Dr. W took me right in for my first ultrasound screening.  We thought it would just be a consultation, but were SO excited that apparently the timing was just right for her to see what she needed to see.  Wow.  We've begun.

The first thing we experienced was a cancer scare.  I had a fairly large cyst on my right ovary and I was referred to a specialist to get it checked out.  They decided it was not cancer and they would just continue monitoring it closely.  Only problem was, that cyst took up space on the ovary and didn't allow for as many eggs to grow.  That ended up being a problem because I was also diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve.  Basically, I was pre-menopausal.  Wonderful.

The next step was to attempt an IUI, even though our chances were pretty slim.  In fact, on the day of the procedure, before I was inseminated with the turkey baster, the Dr. was upfront and told me it was unlikely to work due to the poor quality of Hubby's swimmers.  In addition to my issues, we also had a male factor to deal with as well.  She said "it only takes one though."  But we knew it wasn't going to work.

We then went through our first round of IVF.  My biggest problem through this was the injections.  I hate needles.  With a passion.  But I managed, despite the awful itching and allergic reaction my belly seemed to get each night with the Menopur.  I was only able to get 5 mature eggs, and only 3 of those fertilized.  On a Friday 2 weeks later, I got a positive pregnancy.  On that Monday, I was told I had a chemical pregnancy.  Yay me.

We attempted our 2nd round of IVF, but I did not respond to the meds and only got one follicle that was growing.  So this IVF turned into another not likely to succeed IUI.  Might as well take advantage of the one egg we DID get.  Nope.  Didn't work.

So then Hubby and I spent the summer coaching and deciding what we were going to do next.  The stim meds were costing up close to $6000 each time because I was on the max dosage, in addition to what the procedure costs.  Our insurance doesn't cover anything.  We could try it again, but was it worth the expense for such low odds of it working?  So we then started talking about using an egg donor.  The debate was do we use a known, or unknown donor.  In the end, we decided to accept the generous offer of my sister to be an egg donor.

On Friday, November 30th was her egg retrieval and we had a 3 day transfer on December 3rd.  We waited 8 days before we took our first HPT, and it was positive!  I proceeded to take 3 more tests because I had a hard time believing it was real.  On Monday this week, I went in for my beta, and we got our official "congratulations, you're pregnant!" call from Dr. W.  The 2nd beta on Wednesday confirmed that I was still pregnant.

Our first ultrasound is scheduled for December 31st.  We absolutely cannot wait!  Last night Hubby and I went through a short week by week of what to expect throughout the entire pregnancy of how my body will change and how the baby is developing each week.  It was so much fun!

Now if only I would start feeling pregnant.....I might be able to actually believe it more.  As it is, it all feels very surreal.