The biggest source of stress in our marriage is typical: money.
Actually, it's the biggest source of stress for my husband, which in turn makes it the biggest source of stress in our marriage. I hate it. It seems like he can never be grateful for what we have, and stresses about our retirement constantly. While I agree with him that we definitely need to plan better for our future, I don't feel it should be at the sacrifice of our happiness today. One never knows what tomorrow is going to bring. There are too many instances where a person's life is snatched way too early. I don't like to dwell on that fact, but the truth is that one of us could die tomorrow, or next week, or next year, and all that worry, stress, and fighting about our future will have wasted the time we have together right now! I don't see the point in stressing about things instead of just trying to have a positive outlook and being happy with what we have.
Don't get me wrong, I have definitely been shit on plenty in my life. I have an alcoholic father that lives in Montana that I have hardly seen since I was 5 years old. My mom is a drug addict, although she has been clean and sober now for over 15 years. I could write a TON on this, but I won't right now. In addition to that is our fertility problems. The point is, that I could spend my life living the woe-is-me attitude, but that is really no way to live. At least not a happy way to live.
I had been looking forward to yesterday all week. Hubby and I were going to spend a day Christmas shopping, going to a movie, and shopping for a bed. We got the majority of our Christmas shopping done for our nieces and nephews and we had a pretty good time shopping for beds. Hubby has been wanting a new bed for a long time and I finally caved into at least looking at them. However, we decided we could better put that money into our house right now. We did enjoy the movie, although it wasn't near as good as we expected it to be. (We saw Playing for Keeps. Love Gerard Butler. I liked the movie, but it was a little slow. I think Hubby was just bored).
On our way home, we were talking about the renovations that need to be done on our house. This led to talking about Hubby wanting to move. He HATES the commute he has to make 3 times/week for his job, which can take anywhere between 1:15-2:30 depending on the traffic, and that is just one way. He can't stand the money that we are wasting putting into his gas tank. And of course this led to him getting very angry about it, which led to us fighting. (I should clarify that I don't blame him for not liking his commute. I just don't understand what he wants me to do about it.)
Actually, the only thing I got so upset about was the fact that he got so IRATE with me. When he gets mad, he totally shuts off. It was like he was crawling out of his skin and wanted out of the car so bad, and couldn't wait to get home. When he gets like this, you can't talk to him. He won't listen, even if he misunderstood what you were trying to say, which is what made him so mad.
I know I'm not completely innocent. And I have been known to completely lose it myself and throw a temper tantrum, but that has been a very long time. I'd like to think that I've grown up and realized that things really just aren't worth that. But of course, last night, I myself got incredibly worked up because HE was so worked up. Ugg.
I feel really stupid, and I hate to even write about this because I'm sure it doesn't endear myself to you, but I'm using this post as my outlet. I apologize. Honestly, it doesn't make me like myself much better either.
One more thing to get off my chest about it. Later, after we were home and both much calmer, Hubby apologized a few times by saying "I'm sorry that you were so mad at me." Which I would respond, "I wasn't mad at you, I was hurt that YOU can get so mad at ME and treat me that way." It's so dumb, but just once I would really appreciate it if he could say he was sorry for being mad at ME, not "I'm sorry you got so mad at me." It really gets my goat that whenever he apologizes to me, it's for what I've done or felt, not for himself.
Now that I've got all that off my chest, please know that I do love my husband and he is a very good guy. With flaws. But I am obviously flawed myself, as we all are in some way. Hopefully you can read this and know that we are just real people with real issues. Or maybe you will read this and confirm that we are just crazy and off our rockers. Sometimes it's hard to not to look into these things and wonder if maybe this is why we haven't been allowed to become parents.
To top all that off, now we both are just incredibly worried that last nights fighting effected our embabies. I had been doing so good not over doing it or allowing myself to get stressed out about anything. My blood pressure was through the roof last night. My heart rates been a little high today as well. I have felt a little shaky. That might just be due to the emotional evening, but I worry. We still have 8 more days before the blood pregnancy test.
I have done absolutely nothing today but lay around, taking naps and watching Hallmark Christmas movies. I have bawled twice today watching these movies. Nothing like a good Hallmark movie and hormones to make you emotional, which I am sure contributed to me over-reacting last night too.
8 more days to wait. I just pray that we get the good news we want and have been waiting for 13 years to get.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Good News!
Noooo...... It's not a BFP. It's still too early for that.
I wasn't going to post anything today, but then I got good news from the embryologist! Both Hubby and I left the clinic on Monday after our transfer pretty much convinced that this was it. If this IVF via egg donor doesn't work, we would be done if we didn't have any left to freeze. They didn't seem too optimistic about the other two embryos making it.
Today is day 6 of fertilization, which is how far they let the embryos develop to see if they will develop enough to meet the freeze criteria. I knew that I would be getting a phone call today, but I fully anticipated it being that our other two little embabies didn't make it.
Well, guess what!!?!?? One of the embryos met all the criteria and is going strong so definitely will be cryopreserved (frozen). The other one was borderline, not quite reaching the milestone they were looking for, but since it is close they went ahead and froze it too! They usually freeze the embryos in pairs, so since we already had one good one, they decided it wouldn't hurt anything to go ahead and freeze the other one too.
I have two thoughts in all of this:
The ARC loan package we took out, was good for one IVF via egg donor and one FET cycle (only to be used if the fresh cycle doesn't result in a live birth). If we didn't end up with any frozen embryos, Hubby and I are at the end of the road. We cannot financially afford to continue pursuing infertility treatments as we have put ourselves in enough debt as it is.
Actually, a side note, Hubby has been doing some research on states that mandate insurance coverage for infertility. The thought HAS crossed our mind to move, at least temporarily long enough, to take advantage of that. I don't know if we ever would, but it's at least a thought. But maybe one we don't even have to put too much thought into. Maybe I am already pregnant and I just don't know it yet?
11 more days until we know for sure....
I wasn't going to post anything today, but then I got good news from the embryologist! Both Hubby and I left the clinic on Monday after our transfer pretty much convinced that this was it. If this IVF via egg donor doesn't work, we would be done if we didn't have any left to freeze. They didn't seem too optimistic about the other two embryos making it.
Today is day 6 of fertilization, which is how far they let the embryos develop to see if they will develop enough to meet the freeze criteria. I knew that I would be getting a phone call today, but I fully anticipated it being that our other two little embabies didn't make it.
Well, guess what!!?!?? One of the embryos met all the criteria and is going strong so definitely will be cryopreserved (frozen). The other one was borderline, not quite reaching the milestone they were looking for, but since it is close they went ahead and froze it too! They usually freeze the embryos in pairs, so since we already had one good one, they decided it wouldn't hurt anything to go ahead and freeze the other one too.
I have two thoughts in all of this:
- If both the unused embryos made it this far, hopefully the ones I had transferred to my uterus are also growing strong and result in pregnancy.
- If we don't get pregnant this go around, it's not all over. We would still have one more shot at it.
The ARC loan package we took out, was good for one IVF via egg donor and one FET cycle (only to be used if the fresh cycle doesn't result in a live birth). If we didn't end up with any frozen embryos, Hubby and I are at the end of the road. We cannot financially afford to continue pursuing infertility treatments as we have put ourselves in enough debt as it is.
Actually, a side note, Hubby has been doing some research on states that mandate insurance coverage for infertility. The thought HAS crossed our mind to move, at least temporarily long enough, to take advantage of that. I don't know if we ever would, but it's at least a thought. But maybe one we don't even have to put too much thought into. Maybe I am already pregnant and I just don't know it yet?
11 more days until we know for sure....
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Random Things
Nothing major happening today except for the MILLION little things that have been running through my head all day. How does a gal NOT think constantly of the little embabies hopefully growing inside her? Here's a bunch of the random thoughts/happenings of the last few days:
I think this just about covers everything, but in a much condensed version of the way my brain has been thinking lately. There is only 12 more days of over analyzing every little thing and wondering whether we are going to be pregnant or not. PLEASE, please, please!!!!!
- Monday night (the night after the transfer), I had a case of insomnia. It was an annoying and boring night. I went to bed around 9:30 and woke up at 1:30am to pee. Couldn't go back to sleep until around 5:30am, and then woke up for the day at 6:30. Thankfully, I wasn't totally wiped out yesterday. Although I could have been since I took the day off work just for the sole purpose of resting. I didn't even take a nap!
- Today I went back to work. During my second appointment of the day, I had my client running on a treadmill. I always stand right beside it. While he is running, the floor kind of bounces a little with his footsteps. Of course my brain starts wondering if those vibrations are good for me, or more like, are they good for the embabies. Will this effect their ability to implant? Today is only day 3, and the first 3 days are the most important! I obviously was not the one doing the impact exercise, but I could feel each step. Hhmmmm....
- The vibrations from the treadmill are not a lot different from the bumps you might feel while driving a car. It couldn't have been any different than that, right? And then I hit a pot hole. Ouch. That couldn't have been good! Oh NO! Not railroad tracks!!! That couldn't have been good. Speed bump? I better go REALLY slow so I can avoid any jarring. Amazing how you don't really notice these everyday things until you get those little suckers, I mean embryos, inside of you.
- Under normal circumstances, I should have started my period 2 days ago. I asked about this the other day. I asked "what is preventing me from starting my period?" Dr. W told me that the meds I'm on, the Progesterone in Oil and the Estrace, will keep me from starting my period. And then of course, I won't have it while I'm pregnant either, so I shouldn't be expecting it any time soon. However, I keep checking every single time I wipe expecting it to start - or dreading that it will. Every once in awhile throughout the day, I get that feeling like I've started. You know, how you can just tell when you've started? But nope! It's all good so far. I've just got to trust that these damn, I mean darn, shots are doing their job.
- I keep feeling like I have "symptoms." Of course, I KNOW they can't be pregnancy symptoms as it is WAY too early for that, but it doesn't stop me from questioning every little thing! Mostly, I know that they are just a result of the PIO and probably a little side effect from the invasive procedure of the transfer. I have felt:
- bloated
- breast tenderness
- stomach cramping
- every once in awhile I get twinges down yonder
- headaches
- lots of itchiness on my belly
- cranky
- In addition to all that, OH. MY. GARSH!! My hips are so incredibly sore from the nightly injections. It's only been 6 nights so far. I cannot even imagine what it's going to be like after 2 weeks. Even so, I PRAY, that I will have to continue with them for another 3 months. I want that more than anything right now. I have massaged the injection site each night and put a hot pad on it for about an hour afterward, but it doesn't seem to be helping. Today, while working with a client, I leaned up against another machine which is normal for me, and I cried out and shot away from it. The guy wondered what the heck was wrong with me. I just told him everything was fine! lol I also find laying on my side rather difficult to sleep now. This afternoon, I envisioned a family member at Christmas jokingly slapping me in the butt or snapping me with a towel. It was not a pleasant vision.
- Also, my lower glutes have been sore yesterday and today, like they would be sore after a majorly good workout. But I haven't done a hard enough workout to make me that sore in a long time. The only thing I can think of is that they are sore from clinching so hard trying not to pee myself after the transfer.
- Today I told my Mom not to ask me the question of if I'm pregnant. She knows what we are doing. She knows my sister is helping. She does not know the time line of everything though. I told her we won't know for awhile yet, but please don't ask about it because that is not how I would want to make the announcement that we are pregnant. She didn't really understand, so I tried to explain it to her. I told her that nothing about us trying to get pregnant is normal. I want to at least be able to experience being able to make that announcement like a normal person would. I will tell her if it works, and I will tell her if it doesn't, but I want it to be on my terms. She still really didn't understand, but agreed anyway. I think she was just really confused.
- It's not just me. Hubby keeps asking me if I am feeling pregnant yet. Every time I call him during the day (which is only once, maybe twice a day, if at all) he thinks I'm calling with pregnancy news. Like I'm supposed to magically be able to tell if I'm pregnant. I can't blame him though, when my thoughts run exactly the same way.
I think this just about covers everything, but in a much condensed version of the way my brain has been thinking lately. There is only 12 more days of over analyzing every little thing and wondering whether we are going to be pregnant or not. PLEASE, please, please!!!!!
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Well THAT was Embarrassing
Yesterday after the transfer, I just came home and basically did nothing. Today, I am doing the same thing. I was planning to go to work today, but I am supposed to take it easy. That would have been impossible with the schedule I had today, which was booked solid from 6:00am to 2:00pm. So I called all my clients to let them know I wouldn't be in today.
(My "real" job is working as a personal trainer. I can do that without it being too strenuous, but with no breaks in an 8 hour period, I would have been on my feet ALL day. I also teach a water aerobics class. There is generally between 30-40 people in the class, so I don't get in the pool with them or they would never be able to see what they are supposed to be doing or be able to hear me. That requires me to be on the concrete pool deck doing the exercises. On land, that is a lot of impact. So looking ahead, I had already lined up a sub to teach my class for the 2ww. Working with my regular clients one-on-one won't be a problem generally, but I was nervous about such a full schedule the DAY after my transfer. I was told the first 3 days are the most important, so I am at home. Resting. No complaints about that!)
Now, on to my embarrassing story...
When you go in for an embryo transfer, you are required to go in with a full bladder. I have what I believe is the smallest bladder in history. Seriously. I have about an hour drive to my clinic. Usually, when I arrive, I can barely get to the elevator out of the parking garage without waddling and making a fool of myself trying not to pee my pants.
For my first IVF, I had to go so badly when I arrived that I did use the restroom before hand, thinking I would only let out a little bit. I guess I let out too much because I didn't end up going into the appointment with quite a full bladder, but they said it would be okay. At my clinic, they have you wait on the table for 30 minutes after the transfer, in which you are supposed to relax. I remember having to pee SO bad and was dying by the end of the 30 minute wait. I could barely put my pants back on. But I survived and it was okay.
And then there was yesterday's transfer. I remembered not quite having that full bladder the last time, so I wanted to make especially sure that I did exactly what I was supposed to this time, especially after it was explained to me on egg retrieval day just how important that full bladder is in order to place the embabies in the uterus properly.
However, turns out it was a pretty busy day in the IF world and there were several procedures going on that day so they were running late. I actually got called back only a few minutes after our scheduled time, but then ended up waiting half naked on the table with the lovely paper blanket securely around me. Hubby got interested in a magazine with a cover story about how to "keep your man hooked." He thought there might be some good pointers in there for me. I tried to humor him and took the quiz about sexual fantasies or something like that. It was one of those magazines like Cosmopolitan that always have silly articles along those lines. All I could think was, I really have to pee!
The nurse came in and said they had to do another procedure and it would be about 10 minutes. Would I be able to hold it another 10 minutes? I told her it wasn't the 10 minutes I was worried about. It was the 30 minute wait afterward! She decided to pull the ultrasound wand out and checked my bladder. She said I followed directions VERY well because I definitely had a full bladder. She told me I could go let a little bit out, but then come back and take a few sips.
I don't know if it was more painful to just keep holding it, or to let a little out, because it was very difficult to just cut myself off after only a little bit.
About 45 minutes after our scheduled appointment time, the embryologist came in and talked to us about the quality of our embabies. This took about another 10 minutes. Because we were unsure about using 2 or 3 embabies, we then needed to talk with Dr. W about our decision and the risks involved if we chose 3 (we chose 2). While we waited for Dr. W, the nurse let me go pee just a little bit more out because I was so uncomfortable. Again, it was rather painful to cut myself off, and I was afraid of letting too much out so I was still incredibly uncomfortable.
By the time we actually got to the transfer, it was about 1.5 hours after our scheduled time. As soon as everybody got all set to do the procedure and they placed the ultrasound wand on my belly, Dr. W immediately said "Wow! You DO have a really full bladder. Look how big it is!"
My response? "That is why I've been telling you guys I REALLY had to pee!"
Dr. W told me I could actually let go of about 2/3rds of my bladder. Okay. How the HECK am I supposed to know what 2/3rds is? So I let myself go a little bit more this time than I had previously. (TMI, I know) I wiped, but could still barely stand I had to pee so bad. So I went some more. I repeated this 3 times, wondering the whole time, is that 2/3rds?
Back up onto the table I go, feet in stirrups. Let's get this show on the road. I still had to pee. She had a difficult time finding the path to my uterus and went through 4 (FOUR!!) different size/shaped speculums because my cervix apparently sits funny. This wasn't very pleasant, but whatever it takes to get a baby. That's been my motto for awhile now.
Finally, we got it done. The embabies were in my uterus. I even got a picture of them! Although they are difficult to see because of the shadow of my very expanded and full bladder. Haha!
Okay. I still have to pee REALLY bad! And this was the START of my 30 minute wait. The nurse asked me if I could please wait just 5 minutes and she would give me a bedpan. And then Hubby and I were in the room by ourselves.
My 5 minute wait lasted about 2 seconds. I was shaking terribly and clenching so hard not to pee myself. Hubby wasn't quite sure what to do. I told him I needed a bedpan NOW! He started to look for one and I told him he just needed to go find the nurse.
He comes back after circling the hallway and not finding anyone (they are in another procedure). I told him it's too late, I can't hold it anymore! He leaves and comes back with another nurse, who he found on her lunch break somewhere.
By this point, I have already totally wet my naked self, laying on the table. Thank God they at least put padding down. I told her I was really sorry and that I was totally embarrassed but I had already peed what I couldn't hold in anymore. She then gave me a bedpan so I could fully empty my bladder.
She stepped back and asked me if I needed her to leave the room to give me privacy. I almost felt like she needed to leave for her own comfort level, but I told her she didn't have to because I was already done! I couldn't have held it in long enough for her to leave the room! I was totally embarrassed that I couldn't control myself. They say there is no shame in being pregnant and giving birth. Apparently in my case, there is also no shame in GETTING pregnant either.
She took the very FULL bedpan (which she commented on) and gave me a cloth to wipe myself up, took the wet padding from underneath me and placed a blanket under me. Again, I told her I was so sorry and embarrassed. She was actually very nice, but that doesn't mean I didn't feel bad.
She told me not to worry about it, that it actually happens all the time. I suppose that is true, or they wouldn't have bedpans so readily available. But still. Did it have to be me?
The nurses (the other one finally came back) explained to Hubby and I that it wasn't possible to pee the embryos out, which was of course on the back of our minds. Why else would I need to wait at least the 5 minutes, which I did not make. She said it was just to let my body relax after the transfer. I was so TOTALLY NOT relaxed trying to keep from peeing myself! Ugg.
Well, hopefully it wasn't as traumatic for the embabies as it was for me. I know this all probably sounds really stupid, but when you are trying to do absolutely everything exactly the way it's supposed to be done for the MOST success possible.... It's a little stressful when it doesn't go EXACTLY as planned. I just hope at the end of our 2ww, I don't have to look back on that moment yesterday and think maybe it didn't work because my body was straining so badly that it hurt the embabies, or that maybe I peed them out....
Hopefully, we can just look back at this time and laugh because really, it should be funny. It would be for any fertile person that could just get pregnant. But knowing this is our last chance... it doesn't seem so funny right now. I don't mean to be so dramatic, but that is the truth of it.
13 more days until we know.....
(My "real" job is working as a personal trainer. I can do that without it being too strenuous, but with no breaks in an 8 hour period, I would have been on my feet ALL day. I also teach a water aerobics class. There is generally between 30-40 people in the class, so I don't get in the pool with them or they would never be able to see what they are supposed to be doing or be able to hear me. That requires me to be on the concrete pool deck doing the exercises. On land, that is a lot of impact. So looking ahead, I had already lined up a sub to teach my class for the 2ww. Working with my regular clients one-on-one won't be a problem generally, but I was nervous about such a full schedule the DAY after my transfer. I was told the first 3 days are the most important, so I am at home. Resting. No complaints about that!)
Now, on to my embarrassing story...
When you go in for an embryo transfer, you are required to go in with a full bladder. I have what I believe is the smallest bladder in history. Seriously. I have about an hour drive to my clinic. Usually, when I arrive, I can barely get to the elevator out of the parking garage without waddling and making a fool of myself trying not to pee my pants.
For my first IVF, I had to go so badly when I arrived that I did use the restroom before hand, thinking I would only let out a little bit. I guess I let out too much because I didn't end up going into the appointment with quite a full bladder, but they said it would be okay. At my clinic, they have you wait on the table for 30 minutes after the transfer, in which you are supposed to relax. I remember having to pee SO bad and was dying by the end of the 30 minute wait. I could barely put my pants back on. But I survived and it was okay.
And then there was yesterday's transfer. I remembered not quite having that full bladder the last time, so I wanted to make especially sure that I did exactly what I was supposed to this time, especially after it was explained to me on egg retrieval day just how important that full bladder is in order to place the embabies in the uterus properly.
However, turns out it was a pretty busy day in the IF world and there were several procedures going on that day so they were running late. I actually got called back only a few minutes after our scheduled time, but then ended up waiting half naked on the table with the lovely paper blanket securely around me. Hubby got interested in a magazine with a cover story about how to "keep your man hooked." He thought there might be some good pointers in there for me. I tried to humor him and took the quiz about sexual fantasies or something like that. It was one of those magazines like Cosmopolitan that always have silly articles along those lines. All I could think was, I really have to pee!
The nurse came in and said they had to do another procedure and it would be about 10 minutes. Would I be able to hold it another 10 minutes? I told her it wasn't the 10 minutes I was worried about. It was the 30 minute wait afterward! She decided to pull the ultrasound wand out and checked my bladder. She said I followed directions VERY well because I definitely had a full bladder. She told me I could go let a little bit out, but then come back and take a few sips.
I don't know if it was more painful to just keep holding it, or to let a little out, because it was very difficult to just cut myself off after only a little bit.
About 45 minutes after our scheduled appointment time, the embryologist came in and talked to us about the quality of our embabies. This took about another 10 minutes. Because we were unsure about using 2 or 3 embabies, we then needed to talk with Dr. W about our decision and the risks involved if we chose 3 (we chose 2). While we waited for Dr. W, the nurse let me go pee just a little bit more out because I was so uncomfortable. Again, it was rather painful to cut myself off, and I was afraid of letting too much out so I was still incredibly uncomfortable.
By the time we actually got to the transfer, it was about 1.5 hours after our scheduled time. As soon as everybody got all set to do the procedure and they placed the ultrasound wand on my belly, Dr. W immediately said "Wow! You DO have a really full bladder. Look how big it is!"
My response? "That is why I've been telling you guys I REALLY had to pee!"
Dr. W told me I could actually let go of about 2/3rds of my bladder. Okay. How the HECK am I supposed to know what 2/3rds is? So I let myself go a little bit more this time than I had previously. (TMI, I know) I wiped, but could still barely stand I had to pee so bad. So I went some more. I repeated this 3 times, wondering the whole time, is that 2/3rds?
Back up onto the table I go, feet in stirrups. Let's get this show on the road. I still had to pee. She had a difficult time finding the path to my uterus and went through 4 (FOUR!!) different size/shaped speculums because my cervix apparently sits funny. This wasn't very pleasant, but whatever it takes to get a baby. That's been my motto for awhile now.
Finally, we got it done. The embabies were in my uterus. I even got a picture of them! Although they are difficult to see because of the shadow of my very expanded and full bladder. Haha!
Okay. I still have to pee REALLY bad! And this was the START of my 30 minute wait. The nurse asked me if I could please wait just 5 minutes and she would give me a bedpan. And then Hubby and I were in the room by ourselves.
My 5 minute wait lasted about 2 seconds. I was shaking terribly and clenching so hard not to pee myself. Hubby wasn't quite sure what to do. I told him I needed a bedpan NOW! He started to look for one and I told him he just needed to go find the nurse.
He comes back after circling the hallway and not finding anyone (they are in another procedure). I told him it's too late, I can't hold it anymore! He leaves and comes back with another nurse, who he found on her lunch break somewhere.
By this point, I have already totally wet my naked self, laying on the table. Thank God they at least put padding down. I told her I was really sorry and that I was totally embarrassed but I had already peed what I couldn't hold in anymore. She then gave me a bedpan so I could fully empty my bladder.
She stepped back and asked me if I needed her to leave the room to give me privacy. I almost felt like she needed to leave for her own comfort level, but I told her she didn't have to because I was already done! I couldn't have held it in long enough for her to leave the room! I was totally embarrassed that I couldn't control myself. They say there is no shame in being pregnant and giving birth. Apparently in my case, there is also no shame in GETTING pregnant either.
She took the very FULL bedpan (which she commented on) and gave me a cloth to wipe myself up, took the wet padding from underneath me and placed a blanket under me. Again, I told her I was so sorry and embarrassed. She was actually very nice, but that doesn't mean I didn't feel bad.
She told me not to worry about it, that it actually happens all the time. I suppose that is true, or they wouldn't have bedpans so readily available. But still. Did it have to be me?
The nurses (the other one finally came back) explained to Hubby and I that it wasn't possible to pee the embryos out, which was of course on the back of our minds. Why else would I need to wait at least the 5 minutes, which I did not make. She said it was just to let my body relax after the transfer. I was so TOTALLY NOT relaxed trying to keep from peeing myself! Ugg.
Well, hopefully it wasn't as traumatic for the embabies as it was for me. I know this all probably sounds really stupid, but when you are trying to do absolutely everything exactly the way it's supposed to be done for the MOST success possible.... It's a little stressful when it doesn't go EXACTLY as planned. I just hope at the end of our 2ww, I don't have to look back on that moment yesterday and think maybe it didn't work because my body was straining so badly that it hurt the embabies, or that maybe I peed them out....
Hopefully, we can just look back at this time and laugh because really, it should be funny. It would be for any fertile person that could just get pregnant. But knowing this is our last chance... it doesn't seem so funny right now. I don't mean to be so dramatic, but that is the truth of it.
13 more days until we know.....
Monday, December 3, 2012
How Many Do We Choose: 2 or 3?
So today was the day. Out of the 5 fertilized eggs, one of them didn't cleave, so we were left with 4 embryo's. Here is what our 4 little embabies have made it to so far:
8 cell, grade 3.5
8 cell, grade 2.0
6 cell, grade 2.5
4 cell, grade I can't remember
Our clinic grades them 1 through 5, with 5 being the best, most perfect embryo there is. The embryologist said they never give a 5. She said our 2 best embabies were the 8 cell, grade 3.5 and the 6 cell, grade 2.5. Because of this, we ended up with a 3 day transfer
The chances of the other 2 making it to freeze is very slim. The other 8 cell was pretty fragmented, and the 4 cell might be okay, but it is pretty slow growing. Reason being is because if the embabies can't make it that far, they will not survive the freeze or the thaw. They never freeze before day 6.
Hubby and I both feel like this is pretty much it. We were really hoping for some snow babies, just so we could have the peace of mind of at least one more chance, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. Due to that, we were strongly debating whether we should put in 3 embabies today. What if the 4 cell actually would have been our most successful chance at pregnancy? And now we have lost that because we didn't put it in and it most likely won't make it to freeze.
We had an in depth conversation with both the embryologist and Dr. W and both of them felt that it was too risky. Dr. W said that everything looked really good. My sister is still young and producing good young eggs and I have a healthy uterus. She said that it would go against protocol to transfer 3 eggs unless we would be willing to selectively reduce if we end up with triplets.
We explained how we feel this is our last shot at it because we cannot afford to continue further. (the ARC package we used includes one FET, but if we don't even make it to that it's nil and void) Dr. W understood that, but told us that the financial burden of having premature babies in the NICU is also very high and she would rather us not take that risk. She said ALL triplets are born early.
Now, I happen to personally know a few triplets that have grown to be healthy adults, so I DO know it is possible to have a good outcome to a multiples pregnancy. I also have read MANY blogs with good outcomes. However, I also have read several blogs that have resulted in miscarriages and health related issues with triplets. I also know that I would have a very difficult time choosing to selectively reduce. I don't know if I could live with myself if we did that.
So, Hubby and I agreed to just transfer 2 embryos, which I'm still not 100% convinced was the right choice. In all honesty, I would really like to have twins. I've never wanted to have an only child and twins would take care of it all in one swoop.The thought of triplets does scare me though, because I know they become even more high risk and what if we were to lose them all? At this point, I will be VERY happy with just ONE healthy take home baby. How do I know I won't have a high risk pregnancy with even just one? We don't know that yet. But hopefully we find out. At the end of the day, we just want to be able to take a baby home with us in 9 months. Whether it's one, two, three....please, please, please just let this work!!
So begins the 2 week wait....
8 cell, grade 3.5
8 cell, grade 2.0
6 cell, grade 2.5
4 cell, grade I can't remember
Our clinic grades them 1 through 5, with 5 being the best, most perfect embryo there is. The embryologist said they never give a 5. She said our 2 best embabies were the 8 cell, grade 3.5 and the 6 cell, grade 2.5. Because of this, we ended up with a 3 day transfer
The chances of the other 2 making it to freeze is very slim. The other 8 cell was pretty fragmented, and the 4 cell might be okay, but it is pretty slow growing. Reason being is because if the embabies can't make it that far, they will not survive the freeze or the thaw. They never freeze before day 6.
Hubby and I both feel like this is pretty much it. We were really hoping for some snow babies, just so we could have the peace of mind of at least one more chance, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. Due to that, we were strongly debating whether we should put in 3 embabies today. What if the 4 cell actually would have been our most successful chance at pregnancy? And now we have lost that because we didn't put it in and it most likely won't make it to freeze.
We had an in depth conversation with both the embryologist and Dr. W and both of them felt that it was too risky. Dr. W said that everything looked really good. My sister is still young and producing good young eggs and I have a healthy uterus. She said that it would go against protocol to transfer 3 eggs unless we would be willing to selectively reduce if we end up with triplets.
We explained how we feel this is our last shot at it because we cannot afford to continue further. (the ARC package we used includes one FET, but if we don't even make it to that it's nil and void) Dr. W understood that, but told us that the financial burden of having premature babies in the NICU is also very high and she would rather us not take that risk. She said ALL triplets are born early.
Now, I happen to personally know a few triplets that have grown to be healthy adults, so I DO know it is possible to have a good outcome to a multiples pregnancy. I also have read MANY blogs with good outcomes. However, I also have read several blogs that have resulted in miscarriages and health related issues with triplets. I also know that I would have a very difficult time choosing to selectively reduce. I don't know if I could live with myself if we did that.
So, Hubby and I agreed to just transfer 2 embryos, which I'm still not 100% convinced was the right choice. In all honesty, I would really like to have twins. I've never wanted to have an only child and twins would take care of it all in one swoop.The thought of triplets does scare me though, because I know they become even more high risk and what if we were to lose them all? At this point, I will be VERY happy with just ONE healthy take home baby. How do I know I won't have a high risk pregnancy with even just one? We don't know that yet. But hopefully we find out. At the end of the day, we just want to be able to take a baby home with us in 9 months. Whether it's one, two, three....please, please, please just let this work!!
So begins the 2 week wait....
Sunday, December 2, 2012
PIO Injections
3 nights of injections = 4 pokes
I know we are probably really ridiculous about these injections, but I hate needles and Hubby hates having to give me these shots. He is not of nurse material. We probably make this much harder than it should be, but it is whole new territory for us. Quite frankly, I think we've done pretty good so far because we've actually got them done.
I've already shared our experience of the first injection. The second night went pretty good and was fairly quick. Our niece was in the other room, so we needed to be proficient. The only thing that happened was my butt cheek flinching again when he first started to poke. And of course that made him jump back because it scared him. Then we settled in and just got it over with. It was a little painful, and actually felt pretty bruised to the touch yesterday, but manageable.
Then last night. Sigh.... Before we got started, I told Hubby that chances were I would flinch again. It is totally involuntary and something that I can't help. When he inserted the needle, I barely flinched at all this time so we made it further into it.
But then! Then, as he is injecting the PIO, it hurt a little and I flinched and guess what? It scares Hubby and he jumps back. With the needle. Yay me! We still have to finish the dosage! I'm mortified that he has to stab me again, and he's mortified for the same reason. He hates the thought of inflicting any pain on me and this is hard on him too. He tried to be positive though and said "at least we don't have the full 2 ml left to do." We'd barely gotten started and still had 1.5 ml to go, but I appreciate him trying to be positive :)
So we changed out the needle and got the rest of it done. I have taken the advice of several and rubbed the injection site each night, and also have used a hot pad to help prevent the PIO from lumping. So far I don't really feel any lumps. My left side has bled more, but is actually less painful. My right side has only had one injection, didn't bleed, but feels very tender.
It's only been 3 nights. We have at the minimum 2 more weeks of this, until we find out whether I get pregnant or not. (And then the horrible thought crosses my mind of it all depending on even making it to transfer. PLEASE let there be viable embabies!) At most we will have 3 months of PIO injections and that is what I pray for. As much as I dislike them, I really, really want to have to continue them. They aren't that bad. I just have to remind myself that many before me have made it through this stage.
I also don't mean to scare anyone else that may not be to this stage yet. Just know that if I can get through this, so can you! To others that have been down this road already, I may just sound like a big baby. And you know what? I probably am. When it comes to shots, that's just the way I am. I've made it through all the stim shots for 2 cycles. I made it through the month of Lupron injections for this cycle. I know I can make it through the PIO injections too.
I know we are probably really ridiculous about these injections, but I hate needles and Hubby hates having to give me these shots. He is not of nurse material. We probably make this much harder than it should be, but it is whole new territory for us. Quite frankly, I think we've done pretty good so far because we've actually got them done.
I've already shared our experience of the first injection. The second night went pretty good and was fairly quick. Our niece was in the other room, so we needed to be proficient. The only thing that happened was my butt cheek flinching again when he first started to poke. And of course that made him jump back because it scared him. Then we settled in and just got it over with. It was a little painful, and actually felt pretty bruised to the touch yesterday, but manageable.
Then last night. Sigh.... Before we got started, I told Hubby that chances were I would flinch again. It is totally involuntary and something that I can't help. When he inserted the needle, I barely flinched at all this time so we made it further into it.
But then! Then, as he is injecting the PIO, it hurt a little and I flinched and guess what? It scares Hubby and he jumps back. With the needle. Yay me! We still have to finish the dosage! I'm mortified that he has to stab me again, and he's mortified for the same reason. He hates the thought of inflicting any pain on me and this is hard on him too. He tried to be positive though and said "at least we don't have the full 2 ml left to do." We'd barely gotten started and still had 1.5 ml to go, but I appreciate him trying to be positive :)
So we changed out the needle and got the rest of it done. I have taken the advice of several and rubbed the injection site each night, and also have used a hot pad to help prevent the PIO from lumping. So far I don't really feel any lumps. My left side has bled more, but is actually less painful. My right side has only had one injection, didn't bleed, but feels very tender.
It's only been 3 nights. We have at the minimum 2 more weeks of this, until we find out whether I get pregnant or not. (And then the horrible thought crosses my mind of it all depending on even making it to transfer. PLEASE let there be viable embabies!) At most we will have 3 months of PIO injections and that is what I pray for. As much as I dislike them, I really, really want to have to continue them. They aren't that bad. I just have to remind myself that many before me have made it through this stage.
I also don't mean to scare anyone else that may not be to this stage yet. Just know that if I can get through this, so can you! To others that have been down this road already, I may just sound like a big baby. And you know what? I probably am. When it comes to shots, that's just the way I am. I've made it through all the stim shots for 2 cycles. I made it through the month of Lupron injections for this cycle. I know I can make it through the PIO injections too.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Fertilization Report
The egg retrieval yesterday went really well. Sis did fantastic, with minimal pain during the procedure. Actually, the worst was when she got the IV put in. There were 14 eggs retrieved. 14!! We were hoping for 12, so we were very happy with that number.
When we were all done, we stopped to get something to eat on the way home. I was really impressed with how well Sis was feeling. After my egg retrieval previously, I had no interest in eating at all, but she was starving! Then we went back to her place. She put some laundry in - again I was impressed.
Then she did what I expected her to do. We went and laid down in her bedroom, put in a season of Bones, and took a nap. Yay for naps!
I just got the call from the embryologist with the fertilization report. Out of the 14 eggs retrieved, 9 of them were mature. Out of the 9, we have 5 fertilized eggs. Only 5. Which is better than 3 or 2 or 1. Or none at all. But I was really hoping we'd have a good 8 fertilized embryos at this point, knowing that most likely they all wouldn't make it to blast.
We have 5. I'll be honest, this number scares me because I was really REALLY hoping we'd have embryos left to freeze for another attempt down the road. Now I feel like we are putting all our hopes and dreams on this attempt, which would make this our last ditch effort. If this cycle doesn't work, if I don't get pregnant, or even if I do but then miscarry, this is it. We can't afford to go through this anymore. We have stretched our debt as far as we can and even if we could afford it, I don't feel like I could ask Sis to go through this again. The ARC package we used to take out our loan included one FET, but we may not have any embryos to freeze, so it won't matter.
I know this isn't very positive thinking, because I do know that this all could still work and we end up with our take home baby. But that doesn't stop me from being scared. We've been married for 15 years. We've been wanting to start a family for 13 of those years. That is a LONG time. This is the end of the road for us. It HAS to work!
Now, I wait until Monday to know if I will go in that morning for transfer or if we can wait for a 5 day transfer. Just depends on how the embryos are progressing. Come on babies, GROW! I'm scared.
I do get a good distraction today. Our 7 year old niece spent the night last night and we are taking her to her first Beaver football game. Last night I taught her a cheer: O......S.......U.....Oregon State, fight, fight, fight!! Hopefully, she has fun. Hopefully, it doesn't rain too much (but it IS Oregon). Hopefully, the Beavers win (they should!).
Hopefully, we can have a baby......
When we were all done, we stopped to get something to eat on the way home. I was really impressed with how well Sis was feeling. After my egg retrieval previously, I had no interest in eating at all, but she was starving! Then we went back to her place. She put some laundry in - again I was impressed.
Then she did what I expected her to do. We went and laid down in her bedroom, put in a season of Bones, and took a nap. Yay for naps!
I just got the call from the embryologist with the fertilization report. Out of the 14 eggs retrieved, 9 of them were mature. Out of the 9, we have 5 fertilized eggs. Only 5. Which is better than 3 or 2 or 1. Or none at all. But I was really hoping we'd have a good 8 fertilized embryos at this point, knowing that most likely they all wouldn't make it to blast.
We have 5. I'll be honest, this number scares me because I was really REALLY hoping we'd have embryos left to freeze for another attempt down the road. Now I feel like we are putting all our hopes and dreams on this attempt, which would make this our last ditch effort. If this cycle doesn't work, if I don't get pregnant, or even if I do but then miscarry, this is it. We can't afford to go through this anymore. We have stretched our debt as far as we can and even if we could afford it, I don't feel like I could ask Sis to go through this again. The ARC package we used to take out our loan included one FET, but we may not have any embryos to freeze, so it won't matter.
I know this isn't very positive thinking, because I do know that this all could still work and we end up with our take home baby. But that doesn't stop me from being scared. We've been married for 15 years. We've been wanting to start a family for 13 of those years. That is a LONG time. This is the end of the road for us. It HAS to work!
Now, I wait until Monday to know if I will go in that morning for transfer or if we can wait for a 5 day transfer. Just depends on how the embryos are progressing. Come on babies, GROW! I'm scared.
I do get a good distraction today. Our 7 year old niece spent the night last night and we are taking her to her first Beaver football game. Last night I taught her a cheer: O......S.......U.....Oregon State, fight, fight, fight!! Hopefully, she has fun. Hopefully, it doesn't rain too much (but it IS Oregon). Hopefully, the Beavers win (they should!).
Hopefully, we can have a baby......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)