I feel pretty stupid for writing my last post. My period finally decided to show up the very next day, ten days late. I mean, I knew it was an impossibility for me to be pregnant, but for some reason I just couldn't keep my mind going there anyway. Why? Why did I torture myself like that?
I'll tell ya why. Because we had sex during my supposed "fertile" window. Because I was TEN days late! Because while the thought of having another baby freaks me out on many levels, it would also be such a freaking miracle. Because I've had a touch of baby fever lately. One of my very favorite things to do is snuggling newborn babies! Ayden and Rylee LOVE babies so much. I have NO doubt that they would be ecstatic to have a baby brother or sister. They have never, ever expressed an ounce of jealousy whenever I've held another baby. No, instead they fawn all over the baby and fight over who gets to hold it next. They say things like, "she's so cuuuuuute!"
However, I really couldn't imagine keeping up with Ayden and Rylee while pregnant, let alone with the sleep deprivation that comes with having a newborn. Also, we are finally in a place financially right now that is somewhat comfortable. Not great, but we are at least not paycheck to paycheck and have a decent savings built up.
I gave up the idea of ever getting pregnant on our own YEARS ago, way before Ayden and Rylee ever came along. It's not something that will ever be in my reality. Plus, I'm almost 43 for crying out loud. I'm a frickin old lady with old lady eggs! Apparently that doesn't stop me from wondering what if though....
Period Watch 2017 (as dubbed by one of my infertility sister friends) is officially over.
No matter the number of reasons why you shouldn't, when you think there might be that chance of something you've had your heart set on for as long as you can remember, it still stings when the tiny flame of hope is dashed. Many hugs, my friend. Xoxo
ReplyDeleteSo true. Thank you so much for understanding!
DeleteYes- exactly what Stacie said!
DeleteI think about a sibling for Bowen often too BUT reality is it would be way too hard along with all the events my step-daughter is in. Also I picked up one of the littler toddlers at daycare one day and Bowen pointed at me and said "NO NO NO!". Not thinking he wants a sibling anyway.lol
ReplyDeleteYou have your beautiful miracles but it's still hard to let go of the dream. Sending you a big hug and loads of love. Auntie
ReplyDeleteAwwww.... Obviously I'm reading these backwards, but girl, I get you. There are times my period is a DAY late and I'm like... maybe... But no. Nope. And it sucks.
ReplyDelete