6 Weeks!

Today I am 6 weeks pregnant.  It just seems very crazy to even be saying that!  Only 3 more days and we will get to see the little one's heart beat.  Or at least that is the hope.  I don't know what will happen if we don't.  I am also dying to know if there is one or two little guys in there!  I would actually really like two, but I don't want to wish for anything but a healthy pregnancy.  Even though I would love to have twins, I don't want to be selfish.  I will be ecstatic with even just ONE healthy baby.

I haven't been feeling much, so it is still hard to believe that I am actually pregnant.  I have had some symptoms, but if I didn't actually KNOW I was pregnant, I wouldn't really think anything of them.  Here's what my symptoms have been so far:

• First symptom I got was getting a shaky feeling when I got hungry.  I normally eat every 2-3 waking hours and typically, when I'd get hungry my stomach would growl.  After the transfer, if I was hungry, I actually just felt really shaky.

• Insomnia - I have ALWAYS had to get up in the middle of the night to pee at least once.  Now it's been at least twice/night.  There has been several nights when I would get up around 2:00 and NOT BE ABLE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP and have ended up being awake the rest of the night.  It sucks.

• While I have been getting very hungry, food just doesn't really seem to appeal to me right now.  There have been a few times that I just simply couldn't finish my meal.  That never happens to me.  I am one that always cleans my plate to the last drop or speck of food.  Some of my favorite foods just seem tasteless to me right now.

• The last few days I have been feeling very bloated after eating, although I have not gained any weight.  Not even through the holidays.  Major success for me!

• There have been a few times that I've felt nauseous, or at least I think I have.  But then, my niece ended up with the flu the other night when she spent the night and puked 4 times!  (Yay me)  So I don't know whether to think I caught her bug, or if I'm just pregnant :)

• My breasts have felt slightly tender/itchy the last few days.  However, this really isn't that unusual for me, as my husband would attest to.

That's about it.  Nothing major, and nothing I wouldn't chalk up as being so totally out there.  If I didn't know better, I wouldn't think anything much of any of this under normal circumstances.  For the time being, I am going to relish in considering them all pregnancy symptoms though.

We are spending the weekend at the coast with Hubby's family.  It will be a nice distraction and hopefully help the days go faster, so Monday and our first ultrasound will get here quicker.  As much as I am hoping for some morning sickness and a REAL sign of pregnancy, I wouldn't mind it waiting now a few more days.  We still haven't told our families yet that we are pregnant.  We are waiting until after the ultrasound before we make it official.  They know we were doing infertility treatments and that we should know pretty soon if it worked or not, but we haven't given them any details about when any of the procedures were.  It will be hard to explain me ralphing without them guessing.  That's not exactly how I want to break the news, so as much as I wouldn't mind getting sick, I wouldn't mind it holding off for another couple days.

Fear

Today I am 5 weeks, 5 days.  I am finding it very difficult not to be fearful.  We have our first ultrasound on Dec. 31st and I am fearful that there will be no heartbeat.  I am fearful that if there is one, that we won't make it to the second trimester.  I am fearful that if we do make it to the second trimester that we won't make it much beyond that.  I am fearful....

We have been trying to get pregnant and start our family for so long (13 years) that it just seems so unreal that I actually am pregnant, despite what the pee sticks say and the beta test confirmed.  While I am SO very excited, I am finding it difficult to be attached to the baby growing inside of me.  I have read a few other blogs of women very close to me in their pregnancies and how much they are so in love with their little one already.  It's hard for me to feel that way when I hardly even feel pregnant.

I've been spending a lot of time praying each day and trying to lay my burdens down, giving my fears over to God.  Even though I mean it every time I pray, it is still hard for my heart to let go of those fears.

I enjoyed participating in ICLW last month, and for the most part I have enjoyed it this month as well.  I have found some new blogs that I really enjoy.  However, it has also been difficult to read the blogs dealing with loss/miscarriage.  I am afraid of following in those footsteps.  I found a blog the other day, Life is Hard, about their stillborn son born at 22 weeks.  I read almost her entire blog.  My heart went out to her and her family.  I can't imagine the pain of making it to just over the half way point in my pregnancy and then losing my baby.

I would like to be excited about being pregnant, but the fear makes it a challenge.  It also makes it hard to believe that we will actually get our take home baby at the end of all this.  Maybe after we see the heartbeat on Monday, I will feel better about things.  Maybe.

I do have my moments of being excited.  I loved the fact that Hubby gave me our baby's first outfit for Christmas.  He was doing his Christmas shopping, but stopped to look at the baby clothes.  He said he just couldn't resist getting this little outfit because it was "just too perfect!"  Remember, we are softball coaches, so this outfit really could not have been any more fitting - whether we have a boy OR a girl.

I absolutely love the fact that he couldn't resist.  I love the fact that he was looking at baby stuff in the stores.  He is so excited, and I am so glad.  Hopefully his excitement will rub off on me.

Bite Your Tongue!

Last night was our Christmas Party for my side of the family.  Normally, we have always celebrated on Christmas Eve, but not everyone would have been able to be there this year so we changed the day.  What makes Christmas so special to me is being able to see pretty much my whole family together, which just hardly ever happens so I am glad we were able to get together early this year.

It was a lot of fun.  I wasn't sure how it would be since this is our first Christmas without Grandpa.  It was also a lot different because my cousin and his new wife have moved into my Grandparents house.  They totally have made it into a new place, which is awesome.  The house is very old and very run down, so it needed a little help.  My Grandma actually grew up there, as well as all my aunts and uncles, and my sister and I.  I was afraid Grandma might have some words about how the place looked without all HER stuff, but it was no problem.  (she now lives in an assisted living)

At one point in the evening, Hubby and I had to disappear to go do my PIO injection.  I actually thought this was kind of funny.  We'd been wondering all week how this was going to go over, but it didn't end up being a big deal because nobody noticed we disappeared into the bathroom together.  Except my sister, but she knew what we were doing.  We got the deed done, and then Hubby left the bathroom while I finished tucking in my shirt and buttoning my pants (sounds dirty huh?).  Nobody saw us go in or out of the bathroom.  Nobody even asked where we went.  Mission accomplished.

Later that night, as people were starting to get ready to leave, came the big announcement.  My cousin and his new wife gathered everyone in the living room.  You can probably guess where this is going.  Yep.  They announced they are pregnant and due in August.  It makes sense and isn't all that surprising.  Everyone was there together.  Makes perfect sense to make that announcement.  I had to bite. my. tongue.  It was SO hard for me NOT to say anything!

She is due just 2 weeks before me!  They just got married in September.  I'm not surprised they are pregnant.  I kinda figured it was coming.  Here's a little back story:

About a year ago, before they were even engaged but had been dating for several years, they found out they were pregnant.  My cousin freaked a little, but then they were both very excited.  I found out at an annual girls scrapbooking weekend at the coast.  When they told me, I was excited for them, but really hurt inside at the same time.  I'm the oldest of all the grandkids.  I was supposed to have babies first, but pretty much they have all passed me up.  It's hard to want your own kids, but everyone else gets them instead, even your baby brother who had a baby right out of high school (that's a whole other post!).

I don't think it was more than two weeks later, that she had a miscarriage.  I know they had to be devastated.  I can't imagine what that would feel like to get so excited about your baby, and then all those dreams....die.  I hurt for them, but never brought it up.  And I've never heard anyone talk about it.  Shortly after, they were engaged.  Then married in September.

I can't help but feel a little like they stole a bit of my thunder.  But at the same time, if I followed up their announcement with one of my own (which I was dying to do), I probably would have stolen a bit of their thunder in return.  While this was going on, I was on the opposite side of the room from Hubby.  I SOOoooooo wanted to say something!  It was running through my mind that we could tell everyone and then turn around and tell his parents at Christmas.  I am only 5 weeks at this point.  That would make them about 7 weeks.  I don't know if they've already had their ultrasound.  I would imagine they have.  I just can't help but think about how I so wish it was that easy for us to get pregnant.  To get married in September, want to start TTC right away, and then boom, make your announcement at Christmas.  I could only wish.

On the way home, Hubby commented that if they are due in August also, they are sharing the news pretty early.  I know Hubby has been dying to tell everyone too.  I don't know if he was saying that to rub it in that I've been making him wait, or if he was just making an observation.  I don't know what he was thinking because he was really in a mood on the way home.  It was an awkward drive home.  He insisted he wasn't mad, or in a funky mood, but uhhh.....I beg to differ.

Fortunately, I was able to keep my mouth shut and didn't spill the beans about our little bean :)  As much as I want so desperately to tell everyone, I really want to wait until we see the heartbeat at the very least.  I really want to start FEELING pregnant.  I do have small symptoms, just nothing major, and nothing I would attribute to being pregnant if I didn't know better.  I get ravenously hungry.  I get a little crampy at times.  I have insomnia.

But my boobs don't hurt at all!  Shouldn't they?  I have the most sensitive breasts and have always complained about that.  Just not recently.  My weight is actually lower than it's been in a long time.  I fit into a pair of jeans last night that I haven't worn in years.  I know I shouldn't wish this one, but I do wish for morning sickness so I can know this pregnancy is real.  I hope I can regret thinking that someday.  After reading that morning sickness means a considerable lower risk of miscarriage, I've been thinking BRING IT ON!

I do wish my cousins the best of luck.  I absolutely am happy for them.  I hope that this time next year, we both will have our own babies to bring to the family Christmas party.  Only 8 more days until our first ultrasound........

A Recap for ICLWer's

If you are participating in ICLW, welcome and thank you SO much for stopping by my blog!  Actually, even if you aren't doing ICLW, thank you for visiting as well :)

Here's a little recap about me and our story:

I am 38, have been married for 15 years, and have been TTC for 13 of those years.  We spent a long time way back when taking temps, charting, all that jazz...to no avail.  I tried expensive supplements to try to increase my fertility, but that didn't work.

We were told that it wasn't IMPOSSIBLE to get pregnant, but it was highly unlikely.  We were not able to pursue fertility treatments at that time because we just simply did not have the finances for it.  So we continued trying naturally, and basically came to the conclusion that we just weren't meant to be parents, although both Hubby and I wanted a family very much.

We have distracted ourselves over the years by coaching softball.  The girls we have coached became "our kids."  The only problem with that, is that they graduate from high school and move on.  While we keep in touch with a lot of them, it is just not the same.  We also have dedicated ourselves to being an outstanding Auntie and Uncle to our nieces and nephews, who truly are the loves of our lives.

In October of last year, I turned 37 and just 3 days after my birthday, I witnessed my youngest nephew being born.  That was the turning point.  I didn't want to end up in my 40's/50's and look back regretting that we didn't do absolutely everything we possibly could to have a baby.  So we scheduled a consultation at a fertility clinic.

At that very first appointment, we were shocked when Dr. W took me right in for my first ultrasound screening.  We thought it would just be a consultation, but were SO excited that apparently the timing was just right for her to see what she needed to see.  Wow.  We've begun.

The first thing we experienced was a cancer scare.  I had a fairly large cyst on my right ovary and I was referred to a specialist to get it checked out.  They decided it was not cancer and they would just continue monitoring it closely.  Only problem was, that cyst took up space on the ovary and didn't allow for as many eggs to grow.  That ended up being a problem because I was also diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve.  Basically, I was pre-menopausal.  Wonderful.

The next step was to attempt an IUI, even though our chances were pretty slim.  In fact, on the day of the procedure, before I was inseminated with the turkey baster, the Dr. was upfront and told me it was unlikely to work due to the poor quality of Hubby's swimmers.  In addition to my issues, we also had a male factor to deal with as well.  She said "it only takes one though."  But we knew it wasn't going to work.

We then went through our first round of IVF.  My biggest problem through this was the injections.  I hate needles.  With a passion.  But I managed, despite the awful itching and allergic reaction my belly seemed to get each night with the Menopur.  I was only able to get 5 mature eggs, and only 3 of those fertilized.  On a Friday 2 weeks later, I got a positive pregnancy.  On that Monday, I was told I had a chemical pregnancy.  Yay me.

We attempted our 2nd round of IVF, but I did not respond to the meds and only got one follicle that was growing.  So this IVF turned into another not likely to succeed IUI.  Might as well take advantage of the one egg we DID get.  Nope.  Didn't work.

So then Hubby and I spent the summer coaching and deciding what we were going to do next.  The stim meds were costing up close to $6000 each time because I was on the max dosage, in addition to what the procedure costs.  Our insurance doesn't cover anything.  We could try it again, but was it worth the expense for such low odds of it working?  So we then started talking about using an egg donor.  The debate was do we use a known, or unknown donor.  In the end, we decided to accept the generous offer of my sister to be an egg donor.

On Friday, November 30th was her egg retrieval and we had a 3 day transfer on December 3rd.  We waited 8 days before we took our first HPT, and it was positive!  I proceeded to take 3 more tests because I had a hard time believing it was real.  On Monday this week, I went in for my beta, and we got our official "congratulations, you're pregnant!" call from Dr. W.  The 2nd beta on Wednesday confirmed that I was still pregnant.

Our first ultrasound is scheduled for December 31st.  We absolutely cannot wait!  Last night Hubby and I went through a short week by week of what to expect throughout the entire pregnancy of how my body will change and how the baby is developing each week.  It was so much fun!

Now if only I would start feeling pregnant.....I might be able to actually believe it more.  As it is, it all feels very surreal.

Sigh of Relief

You'd think on Monday after getting the official news from my RE that we are pregnant that I would finally believe it.  Well, actually, I did believe I was pregnant.  I just wasn't convinced I would stay that way.  I know we still have a LONG way to go, but oh, how relieved I am right now after getting the number for beta #2.

I distracted myself by doing a little much needed Christmas shopping this afternoon after they took my blood, but that didn't last long.  I wanted to be home for the phone call which I was supposed to be getting between 2:00-3:00.

They still didn't call by 3:00.  I thought one of two things:

1. Nobody wanted to make the phone call because they didn't want to have to report the bad news.

OR

2. Since I already got the good news on Monday, I wasn't at the top of the priority list for phone calls today so was the last call today.

I prayed for door #2.  At 3:49 I finally called Hubby to tell him I still hadn't gotten the phone call.  I knew he was dying to hear the news also, as he'd already called bugging me for the report earlier in the day when I had no news.  I didn't want him to think I'd forgotten to call him.

Finally at 3:53, I got THE CALL.  And my HCG has more than doubled.  YAY!!!  It is at 1480.  Praise the Lord, I am so relieved.  It was such a relief lifted from my shoulders that as soon as I got off the phone I cried.  I couldn't help it.  Even though my first beta numbers were amazing, I still couldn't help but worry that somehow, they wouldn't progress.  Now, I know the baby or babies are still growing inside of me.  I guess they are not really babies yet since they're just more like a blob of cells at this point, but still....it WILL be a baby.  Or babies.  With that beta number it's hard not to think that there might be two.  Holy Cow!

I also asked how we were supposed to calculate how far along I am, or when the due date is.  I didn't know if we start counting from the day 3 transfer date, which would have been Dec. 3rd., only 16 days ago, or the fertilization date which was only 19 days ago.

I was wrong on both accounts.  I am actually considered to be at 4 weeks and 5 days.  What!!??!?  That doesn't even remotely make sense to me since the sperm and the egg didn't even MEET until 2 weeks, 5 days ago!  The nurse said something about the process starting before the egg retrieval even takes place.  Huh.  That just blew my mind.  Maybe that is common knowledge to the rest of you, but I had no idea.

Wow.  I'm 4 weeks, 5 days along.  Just wow.

The due date is approximately August 23rd.  You know what I first thought when I heard that?  Softball.  August 23rd is toward the end of the month.  The USA/ASA Nationals are the first week of August.  Maybe we can make it after all.

Highly doubtful though.  Like I would be allowed to travel at that point.  And if it's twins, chances of an early delivery are great.  We'll just have to see what happens.

I absolutely cannot believe I actually have a due date.  And I'm 4 weeks, 5 days along.  Holy smokes.  Unbelievable.

Our first ultrasound is scheduled for December 31st.  I am so excited. 

A Thank You Note

Yesterday was already a great day because of our BFP, but it was topped off by something else really nice too.

A couple months ago, I wrote a letter of recommendation for one of our softball players that we have coached the past few summers.  It was an honor for me to write a letter for her because she is an amazing young lady.  She is a senior this year, and getting ready to go off to play softball in college in addition to getting her education.  This girl is an outstanding student athlete that carries a 4.2 gpa, has been treasurer her first 3 years of high school, and is student body president this year.  She is a 3 sport athlete that shines in all 3 sports.  She has also been involved with several volunteer projects around her community.

Here is the hand written note I got in the mail from her yesterday:

Ambie Bambie Deer Suit, (awful nick name the girls gave me this last summer)

Thank you so much for writing me a letter of recommendation.  Your words were exceptionally kind and brought a smile to my face.  I miss playing for you and T, and to this day you are still the best coaches I've ever had.  Thanks again for the great letter.  Miss you!

Love,
K**** S*****
(forever your shortstop)


Hubby and I have been truly blessed to coach so many girls over the years.  They all hold such a special place in our lives and in our hearts.  As their coach, it is our job to be good role models and teach them.  But there has been so many girls that we have had the opportunity to work with, that end up teaching us in return.  This is one of those girls.  What a great gift it was to find her card in the mail yesterday.  It truly made my day, on top of everything else :)

It's Official! We got our BFP!

I arrived at my appointment 30 minutes early, expecting to wait.  Apparently, it wasn't very busy this morning because I had my blood taken within about 5 minutes.  I was told I would be getting a phone call around 2:30 or 3:00 this afternoon.

I'd barely gotten back to my office when I had an incoming call from my clinic at 11:14am.  It was Dr. W calling to wish us congratulations.  "You are definitely pregnant."

She was so excited for me she couldn't wait to make the phone call.  They had been waiting on pins and needles all morning at their office to know the results.  She said she's pretty sure she stole the joy from the nurses because they were wanting to make that phone call to me.  So happy!

I told her that I was a little scared and just hoping that it sticks.  Dr. W gave me some comparisons:

First of all, the numbers they are looking for on the first beta is an HCG of 100+ and a progesterone level of 20+.

On my first go 'round of IVF in March that resulted in a chemical pregnancy, my HCG was 52 and progesterone level was 11 at my first beta.  Still a positive pregnancy, but not a very strong one.

This time, my HCG is at 636!!! and my progesterone level is at 40+.  I am definitely pregnant!  Dr. W said we won't know for sure until we do an ultrasound at about 6.5 weeks, but there is a good possibility that both embryo's took.  We may be having twins!

I have an appointment for a second beta this Wednesday.  I can't wait!

To be honest, it all feels a little surreal right now.  I am beyond excited, but I am also a little scared at the same time.  Now, I have some decisions to make.  Our high school softball season will be starting in just 2 months.  I'm not sure I should be coaching.  I have been coaching for 20 years.  That is a very difficult thing to give up.  I'm not sure I need to, but....I don't want to do ANYTHING that could potentially be a risk factor.  I have until after the first of the year to make a decision for high school ball.  I'm going to wait until at least after that first ultrasound because, God forbid, what if there is no heartbeat.  That thought scares the crap out of me.  We were worried about getting pregnant, and now I'm worried about staying pregnant!

Then, we have our tournament team.  The majority of that season is every weekend June through the first week of August.  I obviously would be very limited during that time as the due date will be somewhere between the end of July/beginning of August.  Hubby, who is the "Head" Coach for this team, is questioning if we need to find another coach.  The baby would be coming right around the week of the National tournament.  I told him we needed to not do anything too drastic right now, as we don't know what the next few months will bring.

If we were younger, and we didn't have the IF problems that we do, this wouldn't be such a difficult decision.  It wouldn't be quite so scary.  I wouldn't be afraid to be out on the softball field, doing what I normally do 10 months out of every year.  But knowing this is basically our last shot at this, we don't want to do anything to mess it up!

Well, it's a very good dilemma to have.  I am so glad we have a reason to have to think about it.  Right now, I am just going to relish in the fact that I am officially pregnant!!!

Oops!...I did it again

Yep.  I did it again.  I peed on another stick.  I don't know why this made me think of the Brittney Spears song, but it did.  Maybe it's because I've been watching the X Factor and she is one of the judges.

But guess what!!!!!  It says I'm still pregnant!  Not only that, but I used the kind with the two lines and the second line is darker!  The first one I took, it was only a faint line.  Actually, this morning was the 3rd one of these I took, 4th test total as the very first one was a digital test.  Sigh...  Yes, I've become the pee on the stick addict.  I was very proud of myself yesterday when I didn't break down and do it.

After the second double line test, of course I compared the two lines and I was afraid that it was even more faint than on the first test.  When I went back and looked at it later, I decided it was probably the same.  That was 2 days ago.

Now this morning when I took the test, both lines were all nice and dark!  Phew!!  Yay!  Now I truly believe that yes, I am pregnant.

I have decided however, that the digital test is the way to go.  It's so much simpler.  All it says is either pregnant or not pregnant.  There is no analyzing the pink lines.  There is no guessing "well how pregnant am I REALLY?"  It just says pregnant or not pregnant.  I have one more digital HPT left and I am half tempted to go use it just so I can read the word PREGNANT!!  But I won't, because I really don't need to.

I think anyone that has gone through IF issues, is always going to mistrust the initial results.  I don't feel pregnant.  Sure, there are things that I question sometimes if it is a symptom.  But then again, it could just be a side effect of the meds I'm taking, which are all hormones.  I think it's pretty safe to say that most ALL females experience getting hormonal at times.  So if I am taking in extra hormones, maybe those symptoms are just side effects.

Tomorrow is our blood pregnancy test.  I can't wait to get the confirmation call from the doctor or nurse tomorrow afternoon and actually hearing the words "the test results came back positive!  Congratulations, you are pregnant!"  Yay!!

Now, I may just die if it's the other way around and these tests have lied to me....

Prayers to Connecticut

I absolutely do not understand why tragedies such as these happen. 

First, the Clackamas Town Center mall shooting, which is only about an hour away from where we live.  I know people that live in that area.  I know people that shop at that mall.  I've been shopping there myself on occasion.  On Tuesday when that happened, I wondered what our world is coming to that we have to be afraid to go to the movie theater, or go shopping at the mall.

Then today...I simply do not understand how anyone could possibly even consider killing innocent children.  Babies really.  It is unfathomable to me.

The fact that 20 children and 7 adults were killed today is heart wrenching.  I cannot begin to imagine what those parents are feeling right now.  I can't imagine what the community is feeling.  I know that everyone I know personally has been feeling the need to hug their children and keep them close today, and we live clear across the country from where this happened.

Both of the gunmen this week have ended up dead.  Forgive me, but if both of them were going to kill themselves, then they should have done just that!  Killed themselves!!!  They don't need to take everyone else down with them.

In addition to that is the trauma that every other person at the scene and in that community have to deal with for the rest of their lives. It is not fair that these kids have had their innocence ripped away from them in such a horrifying way.

My heart and my prayers go out to all those affected by both the shooting at the mall in Oregon and at the elementary school in Connecticut.

To Pee, or Not to Pee

To Pee, or Not to Pee.  That WAS the question.

And the answer was:  to pee!

On our first IVF, I refused to do a HPT because the clinic had highly stressed that they did not want us to.  I was a good girl and followed the rules, even though Hubby tried to convince me otherwise.  I wanted to do it right.

Well, this time around, especially after reading so many bloggers talk about their peeing on a stick addiction, I pretty much knew from day one that I wasn't going to hold out this time.  I was able to wait a full week before I broke down and bought a box with 2 tests in it.

Hubby and I talked that night, which was Monday, about when we thought we should do it.  I didn't want to do it too early, as I wanted the test to be as accurate as possible.  So the debate was should we test on Wednesday/Friday or wait till Friday/Sunday?  We decided to compromise and do it on Thursday.

Weeellllll.........

We had the tests in the house.  I broke.  I peed on the stick on Tuesday.  I didn't tell Hubby what I was doing, but after I was done I set it on the counter and left the bathroom.  I went to the living room and asked Hubby to come wait with me on the couch for 2 more minutes.  He was confused.  I told him we had 2 more minutes to wait, and then we would know.  The light bulb went off and we impatiently waited on the couch, telling each other not to take this too seriously and reminding each other that there could be a false-positive or a false-negative.  We didn't want to get over excited if it was positive, and we didn't want to get too depressed if it wasn't.  It still might be too early.  It was only 8dp3dt (8 days post 3 day transfer).

I got the HPT that either says "pregnant" or "not pregnant" in a digital readout.  Very simple.  When we went into the bathroom to look at the test results together, I saw that it said PREGNANT!!!  Hubby couldn't read it.  LOL!  It was sideways on the counter and he didn't know what he was looking for it to say!  So I turned the stick so he could read it better.

He gasped and got tears in his eyes and gave me a gentle hug.  As he was hugging me he said "I need to hug you.  But not too hard."  hahaha!  I laughed because he meant he didn't want to squish me and the baby.  It was really sweet.

And then we reminded each other not to get too excited again.  We still need to wait until Monday the 17th to find out for sure.

***************************************************

 

Then yesterday, I went to target and bought a different brand that shows either 1 or 2 lines, 2 lines if you are pregnant.  I wanted to compare it to a different brand, to see if it would also say pregnant.  I took that test last night.  It had 2 lines = pregnant.  However, the second line is not as dark.  I'd say it's faint, but it is definitely visible.

 

I allowed myself to temporarily believe it is actually true and just allowed myself to be happy.  Notice I said temporarily.  Because I have nothing but doubts and questions and worries now.

 

Was it too early?

Do the medications (PIO and Estrace) I'm on cause an HCG surge that will read as a false-positive?

Is it just a chemical pregnancy like last time?

It's only a faint line, so it can't be real, can it?

 

While I am SOOOoooooo incredibly happy that we still have hope, I really, really, don't want to set myself up for failure.  I am so thankful that both tests showed a positive, because I was super afraid of seeing "not pregnant."  But I am still afraid.  I think I will still be afraid even on Monday after they tell us we are pregnant.  I'm afraid of a miscarriage.  I'm afraid that by the end of the week, assuming they have me come back for a second beta, that I will find out it was another chemical pregnancy.

 

I am holding out on doing another test now.  I was going to do it again maybe tomorrow or Saturday, but I'm afraid of that too.  I don't want the stupid pee stick to change it's mind.  For right now, I want to blissfully keep on hoping that it's really true and that we will have it confirmed on Monday.  Maybe blissfully isn't a good word to use.  It's hard to be blissful when you are so full of worry at the same time.  But we are at least hopeful.

 

I want to be a mom so badly.  I want Hubby to be a daddy.  I know we'd be good parents because we are the BEST Auntie and Uncle.

 

This 2 week wait is killing me.

 

Only 4 more days to wait.  Sigh.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



First a Rant, and Then Thankfulness

First off, I just have to tell you how frustrated that I am that my sister got a phone call today from the billing department threatening to turn her into collections if her bill goes more than 120 days unpaid.  ARG!!!

We have been dealing with this from day one of this process.  Sis was getting the bills.  We complained that in the very least they should be in MY name, although I shouldn't be getting bills either since all this is supposed to be covered under my ARC loan.  Then, I got the bills with Sis listed as the patient.

On the day of embryo transfer, a week ago, I made sure to arrive early so I could talk to the financial guy.  Again.  I confirmed that they did in fact receive the payment from ARC and that I could just ignore these bills.  It will be taken care of.  That's all fine and dandy, except for the fact that Sis then gets that phone call today.  I have talked to the financial guy on 4 different occasions about this matter.  I told him it was extremely frustrating to have been making payments on our loan, and to also be getting bills for what the loan was supposed to have covered.  I am NOT paying for this twice!  And my sister shouldn't even be getting the bills in the first place.  ARG!!!  (yes, the pirate in me is coming out)

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Okay, on to something better.  I figure that I have had plenty of things frustrating me the last two days and I feel a little bit at my wits end.  (poor Hubby)  After yesterday's venting, and now this, I feel like this will be a good reminder of all the things I have to be thankful for.  For the month of November, I participated in the 30 Days of Thankfulness Challenge on Facebook.  I always think there are plenty of people posting negative things on FB, I was going to focus on the positive.  I thought I would share my list here.  I also thought it might be a good way for you to get to know me better.  It's pretty long though, so if you don't want to read them all, I understand. 

Day 1: I am thankful for my life. Every day truly is a gift, because truly, that can change in the blink of an eye. Life can sometimes be difficult, but I am going to spend the next 29 days appreciating all the awesome things I have to be thankful for.

Day 2: I am thankful for my husband, who loves me at my best and still seems to love me at my worst as well. I am thankful that I have someone that is just as competitive as me (if not more), I can play games with, coach softball with, watch Beaver games with, be silly with...and the list goes on....

Day 3: I am extremely thankful for the little people in my life, all my nieces and nephews: Jade, JayCee, Eliana, Steven, Nathanial, and Urijah. They all melt my heart and I love them to pieces.

Day 4: I am so very thankful for my sister. We have been best friends and we have been hated enemies at times. She put up with me mothering her when we were little, punching her in the arm when I was mad, yelling at her....But we have also shared many great moments of silliness (mostly me being very dorky). We've had many fun spontaneous photo shoots. I coached her one summer in softball. I took Lamaze classes with her for Eliana and was there for the birth of her 2 boys. I would go to the ends of the earth to protect her. Most importantly, I also know the lengths that she will go to in order to be there for me and help me when I need it. I am very thankful for my sister and I love her so much!

Day 5: I am thankful for my in-laws. They are two of the most generous people I know and are willing to drop whatever they are doing to help when someone needs it.  Hubby and I have been on the receiving end of that help many, many times. They also might be the hardest working people I know! I am thankful that I got so lucky to have such great in-laws in my life!

Day 6: I am thankful for the rest of my family! My brother, my Mom, Grandma, all my Aunts and Uncles, all my cousins, my brother-in-law and his wife, and the rest of Hubby's family as well. I could spend all 30 days appreciating each and everyone of them. Family IS the most important thing in my life! I don't know if they all realize how much they mean to me, but I absolutely love when we get to spend time ALL together.

Day 7: I am thankful for having a warm house with food in the cupboards and a cozy bed to sleep in at night. It's an easy thing to take for granted, but the fact is that not everyone has that and I am so thankful that I don't have those worries!

Day 8: I am thankful for my job. I really enjoy my co-workers and their dedication to helping people. It's amazing to work in an industry that is all about helping people achieve their health and fitness goals. I have AMAZING clients that I absolutely love spending my time with. I LOVE being a part of their fitness journey and being a part of each new goal that they achieve.

Day 9: I am thankful for my 20 years of coaching softball. Softball is probably the biggest part of my life and I have been blessed to share most of these years with Hubby. The girls are family to us and I remember EVERY single girl I've ever coached from my 9 years as an assistant coach at Central, to my 2 years as Amity's Varsity coach, the past 8 years of being the Varsity Coach at Central, and all the numerous summer teams I've coached. (Fury, I am talking about YOU tomorrow) I think it's been an incredible thing to be able to coach these girls starting when they are about 10-11 years old and be with them all through high school. Being a part of their lives and watching them mature into the beautiful young ladies they are is an amazing experience. I also have been blessed with SO many awesome parents over the years, and am thankful for the friendships that have formed because of softball. I have now spent more years as part of the Central high school softball program than years I have been alive! (scary)

Major highlight of my life: winning the state championship in 2007.

Taking Amity to the State playoffs my first year coaching there was also a pretty incredible experience with another fun group of girls.

Day 10: Softball has been such a major part of my life, and something that I have gotten to share with Hubby. Today I am thankful for our Fury softball family that was born 2 summers ago. I am thankful to be a part of something that has been SO special, and you really can't understand what I mean by that unless you've been a part of this team because it is just too hard to describe. We have been able to take the Fury teams and help those girls play to their highest level, qualifying for the USA/ASA National tournament the last two summers. The first year we earned our trip to Nationals in Tennessee, played some great softball, and experienced real Southern hospitality first hand. It took a LONG time for the girls to stop speaking in a southern accent once they got back home.

This past summer was another special group that became best friends and LOVED to hang out together on AND off the field. We had 11 girls from 11 different high schools, but you never would have known. We qualified for Nationals in Alabama and experienced top notch softball, along with a great history lesson in the era of Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, Jr.

Then this Fall we started over with another new group.  I have never experienced as much high level talent on one team! I can't wait for what next summer holds.

I have SO MANY awesome memories from our Fury teams. I am so very thankful for the experiences I've had with my Fury family.

Day 11: Today I am thankful for all the Veteran's who have served our country, past and present. Yesterday I watched my first ever Veteran's Day parade and felt very proud and thankful for all the Serviceman I saw go by.

Day 12: Today I am thankful for exercise and sports. I went to college and majored in Exercise and Sports Science because my favorite class in school was P.E. haha! I always loved sports and being active. I am thankful that I have been able to experience completing a marathon and running in the Hood to Coast Relay 7 times. I've competed in the Oregon Racquetball tournament circuit a few years, played softball one year of college, and then started coaching the next year and haven't stopped since. I am thankful for my health and the ability to participate in all these athletic adventures.

Day 13: I am thankful for my new car. Actually, it's not so new anymore since I've had it going on 2 years, but I am so thankful that #1. I have a mode of transportation to get me to work and everywhere else I need/want to go. #2. I am thankful I have a car that I feel safer in since it is bigger. One of my worst fears is dying in a car accident so I am very, very thankful for having a car I can feel safer in!

Day 14: I am thankful for the technology that keeps me in touch with everyone - my cell phone, which we finally broke down and got texting, which adds a whole other dimension to my life. Facebook, which keeps me in touch with people like friends from high school and my softball players and parents. Pinterest, which gives me a whole lot of ideas that I will never apply or do but like to dream about. Although I HAVE used a few of the recipes and fixed my hair a different way once thanks to Pinterest :) Modern technology is a whole new world from even just 10 years ago, and I am thankful for what we have available to us today (although I do spend WAY too much time using it! haha!!)  *And now I am also very thankful for the blogging community I have added.

Day 15: I am thankful for books! And I'm thankful for my eyesight and my ability to read them. I love a good book - one that can make you laugh, cry, think....I am thankful for being able to escape into someone else's story, even if it is only temporary (and fiction! lol)

Day 16: I am thankful for movies! One of my favorite things to do is going to the movies. Just like reading a good book, it lets me escape into someone else's story for a bit.

Day 17: I am thankful for electricity. Can you imagine having to use an ice box instead of a refrigerator? Or a fire instead of an oven? Or no heater to turn on in the winter? 

Day 18: I am thankful for being able to go to church and hearing a good message straight out of the bible, but applied to today's world in a funny yet heartfelt way. I am thankful that when I go to church I always leave feeling more at peace and hopeful for what the future holds.

Day 19: I am thankful for warm, comfortable clothes. i.e sweats. I like the fact that I pretty much get to wear sweats and a t-shirt to work everyday. Then I come home and get in even more comfortable clothes and snuggle in for the night! 

Day 20: I am thankful for the strange conversations I can have with both my husband and my sister. I asked both of them today who they would pick if they needed to have super human powers: Superman, Batman, or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? The consensus is Superman for all of us.
 Hubby said "can you imagine what I could do in sports if I was Superman?" I agree, but if Spiderman were an option it would be a no brainer. I would have to go with Spiderman.

Day 21: I am thankful or my KitchenAid mixer which is going to come in handy tonight and tomorrow as I prepare our Thanksgiving meal. Thank you Grandma and Grandpa for the wedding gift 15 years ago!

Day 22: Day of Thanksgiving: I've used other days to be thankful for them already, but I really, truly am thankful for my husband and my sister today.  This morning Hubby helped me do chores around the house, cleaning the bathroom, pulling the fridge out and mopping under it, sweeping the cobwebs off the front porch... And now he is doing the cleaning up of thanksgiving dinner!  Sis helped by making a dessert and coming early to help me prepare the Thanksgiving meal. She peeled the potatoes, did dishes, and helped me put an amazing meal on the table! I absolutely LOVE that we got to cook together. How could I not be thankful for both of them? Love them both!

Day 23: I am thankful that I can officially start listening to Christmas music, the most uplifting music there is. Really, is there any other music that gives you such warm and fuzzy feelings? I am thankful :)

Day 24: I am thankful for college football, and the Oregon State Beavers in particular. Even though I am disappointed with the outcome of some games, I am a Beaver Believer, win or lose. I am thankful for the season tickets that Hubby and I have been able to have since we got married. It gives us something to do together that we both really enjoy.

Day 25: I am thankful for my 2 feet which are about to take me on a nice walk before it gets too dark outside, on this November day of no rain!

Day 26: I am thankful for pictures. I love looking at old pictures and reminiscing the people I love and wonderful memories of certain events. I love that I can look at a picture of my Grandpa and conjure up sweet memories. I love looking at pictures of my nieces and nephews and getting warm fuzzies because I love them so much. I love looking at pictures of all the softball teams I've ever coached and the trips I've been on with those girls, and of course the state championship pictures. Pictures are a great reminder of all the things I have to be thankful for in my life, both past and present.

Day 27: I am thankful for living in Oregon, where we have just about everything: the ocean, the mountains, and even almost desert like Eastern Oregon. We get a lot of rain, but that is what makes our state so beautiful. We don't have to worry about hurricanes or tornado's. Yes, we had a small tornado in Turner, but that is NOTHING like they get in the midwest. We don't have blizzards or 20 below temperatures. We do get some flooding, but even that is minor in comparison to those states that get it EVERY year! Yes, we get some of these things, but on a MUCH smaller scale than other places across the U.S. I am very thankful for where I live.

Day 28: I am thankful for holidays. I am especially thankful for Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving because they give us a special reason to spend time with family. I like nothing better than getting together with family - seeing Aunts, Uncles, Cousins... These holidays remind us to be thankful for what we have. Christmas is my favorite because of the Christmas music, all the lights, Santa, the spirit of giving, and of course the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. I love December :)

*and hopefully I will have another reason to love December this time next week.

Day 29: I am thankful for indoor plumbing. For someone that has to pee constantly, it is a major plus to not have to trudge outside each time, especially in the middle of the night.

Day 30: I am thankful for God, who gives me hope in all things.

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If you've made it through to the end, thank you for sticking with me :)  I feel like I am in a much better place now after reviewing all these things I have to be thankful for.  In addition to this extensive list, I want to also add how thankful I am to the opportunity that we have had to pursue infertility treatments.  That is not something I would have posted on Facebook, but it is definitely something I am thankful for.  Now, if it will only work.....

One week from today, we will know for sure if those little embabies inside me have attached and are still growing strong.  7 days.  That seems like so long from now.



Stress

The biggest source of stress in our marriage is typical: money.

Actually, it's the biggest source of stress for my husband, which in turn makes it the biggest source of stress in our marriage.  I hate it.  It seems like he can never be grateful for what we have, and stresses about our retirement constantly.  While I agree with him that we definitely need to plan better for our future, I don't feel it should be at the sacrifice of our happiness today.  One never knows what tomorrow is going to bring.  There are too many instances where a person's life is snatched way too early.  I don't like to dwell on that fact, but the truth is that one of us could die tomorrow, or next week, or next year, and all that worry, stress, and fighting about our future will have wasted the time we have together right now!  I don't see the point in stressing about things instead of just trying to have a positive outlook and being happy with what we have.

Don't get me wrong, I have definitely been shit on plenty in my life.  I have an alcoholic father that lives in Montana that I have hardly seen since I was 5 years old.  My mom is a drug addict, although she has been clean and sober now for over 15 years.  I could write a TON on this, but I won't right now.  In addition to that is our fertility problems.  The point is, that I could spend my life living the woe-is-me attitude, but that is really no way to live.  At least not a happy way to live.

I had been looking forward to yesterday all week.  Hubby and I were going to spend a day Christmas shopping, going to a movie, and shopping for a bed.  We got the majority of our Christmas shopping done for our nieces and nephews and we had a pretty good time shopping for beds.  Hubby has been wanting a new bed for a long time and I finally caved into at least looking at them.  However, we decided we could better put that money into our house right now.  We did enjoy the movie, although it wasn't near as good as we expected it to be.  (We saw Playing for Keeps.  Love Gerard Butler.  I liked the movie, but it was a little slow.  I think Hubby was just bored). 

On our way home, we were talking about the renovations that need to be done on our house.  This led to talking about Hubby wanting to move.  He HATES the commute he has to make 3 times/week for his job, which can take anywhere between 1:15-2:30 depending on the traffic, and that is just one way.  He can't stand the money that we are wasting putting into his gas tank.  And of course this led to him getting very angry about it, which led to us fighting.  (I should clarify that I don't blame him for not liking his commute.  I just don't understand what he wants me to do about it.)

Actually, the only thing I got so upset about was the fact that he got so IRATE with me.  When he gets mad, he totally shuts off.  It was like he was crawling out of his skin and wanted out of the car so bad, and couldn't wait to get home.  When he gets like this, you can't talk to him.  He won't listen, even if he misunderstood what you were trying to say, which is what made him so mad.

I know I'm not completely innocent.  And I have been known to completely lose it myself and throw a temper tantrum, but that has been a very long time.  I'd like to think that I've grown up and realized that things really just aren't worth that.  But of course, last night, I myself got incredibly worked up because HE was so worked up.  Ugg.

I feel really stupid, and I hate to even write about this because I'm sure it doesn't endear myself to you, but I'm using this post as my outlet.  I apologize.  Honestly, it doesn't make me like myself much better either.

One more thing to get off my chest about it.  Later, after we were home and both much calmer, Hubby apologized a few times by saying "I'm sorry that you were so mad at me."  Which I would respond, "I wasn't mad at you, I was hurt that YOU can get so mad at ME and treat me that way."  It's so dumb, but just once I would really appreciate it if he could say he was sorry for being mad at ME, not "I'm sorry you got so mad at me."  It really gets my goat that whenever he apologizes to me, it's for what I've done or felt, not for himself.

Now that I've got all that off my chest, please know that I do love my husband and he is a very good guy.  With flaws.  But I am obviously flawed myself, as we all are in some way.  Hopefully you can read this and know that we are just real people with real issues.  Or maybe you will read this and confirm that we are just crazy and off our rockers.  Sometimes it's hard to not to look into these things and wonder if maybe this is why we haven't been allowed to become parents.

To top all that off, now we both are just incredibly worried that last nights fighting effected our embabies.  I had been doing so good not over doing it or allowing myself to get stressed out about anything.  My blood pressure was through the roof last night.  My heart rates been a little high today as well.  I have felt a little shaky.  That might just be due to the emotional evening, but I worry.  We still have 8 more days before the blood pregnancy test.

I have done absolutely nothing today but lay around, taking naps and watching Hallmark Christmas movies.  I have bawled twice today watching these movies.  Nothing like a good Hallmark movie and hormones to make you emotional, which I am sure contributed to me over-reacting last night too.

8 more days to wait.  I just pray that we get the good news we want and have been waiting for 13 years to get.

Good News!

Noooo...... It's not a BFP.  It's still too early for that.

I wasn't going to post anything today, but then I got good news from the embryologist!  Both Hubby and I left the clinic on Monday after our transfer pretty much convinced that this was it.  If this IVF via egg donor doesn't work, we would be done if we didn't have any left to freeze.  They didn't seem too optimistic about the other two embryos making it.

Today is day 6 of fertilization, which is how far they let the embryos develop to see if they will develop enough to meet the freeze criteria.  I knew that I would be getting a phone call today, but I fully anticipated it being that our other two little embabies didn't make it.

Well, guess what!!?!??  One of the embryos met all the criteria and is going strong so definitely will be cryopreserved (frozen).  The other one was borderline, not quite reaching the milestone they were looking for, but since it is close they went ahead and froze it too!  They usually freeze the embryos in pairs, so since we already had one good one, they decided it wouldn't hurt anything to go ahead and freeze the other one too.

I have two thoughts in all of this:

1. If both the unused embryos made it this far, hopefully the ones I had transferred to my uterus are also growing strong and result in pregnancy.
2. If we don't get pregnant this go around, it's not all over.  We would still have one more shot at it.

Thank you God!

The ARC loan package we took out, was good for one IVF via egg donor and one FET cycle (only to be used if the fresh cycle doesn't result in a live birth).  If we didn't end up with any frozen embryos, Hubby and I are at the end of the road.  We cannot financially afford to continue pursuing infertility treatments as we have put ourselves in enough debt as it is.

Actually, a side note, Hubby has been doing some research on states that mandate insurance coverage for infertility.  The thought HAS crossed our mind to move, at least temporarily long enough, to take advantage of that.  I don't know if we ever would, but it's at least a thought.  But maybe one we don't even have to put too much thought into.  Maybe I am already pregnant and I just don't know it yet?

11 more days until we know for sure....

Random Things

Nothing major happening today except for the MILLION little things that have been running through my head all day.  How does a gal NOT think constantly of the little embabies hopefully growing inside her?  Here's a bunch of the random thoughts/happenings of the last few days:

• Monday night (the night after the transfer), I had a case of insomnia.  It was an annoying and boring night.  I went to bed around 9:30 and woke up at 1:30am to pee.  Couldn't go back to sleep until around 5:30am, and then woke up for the day at 6:30.  Thankfully, I wasn't totally wiped out yesterday.  Although I could have been since I took the day off work just for the sole purpose of resting.  I didn't even take a nap!

• Today I went back to work.  During my second appointment of the day, I had my client running on a treadmill.  I always stand right beside it.  While he is running, the floor kind of bounces a little with his footsteps.  Of course my brain starts wondering if those vibrations are good for me, or more like, are they good for the embabies.  Will this effect their ability to implant?  Today is only day 3, and the first 3 days are the most important!  I obviously was not the one doing the impact exercise, but I could feel each step.  Hhmmmm....

• The vibrations from the treadmill are not a lot different from the bumps you might feel while driving a car.  It couldn't have been any different than that, right?  And then I hit a pot hole.  Ouch.  That couldn't have been good!  Oh NO!  Not railroad tracks!!!  That couldn't have been good.  Speed bump?  I better go REALLY slow so I can avoid any jarring.  Amazing how you don't really notice these everyday things until you get those little suckers, I mean embryos, inside of you.

• Under normal circumstances, I should have started my period 2 days ago.  I asked about this the other day.  I asked "what is preventing me from starting my period?"  Dr. W told me that the meds I'm on, the Progesterone in Oil and the Estrace, will keep me from starting my period.  And then of course, I won't have it while I'm pregnant either, so I shouldn't be expecting it any time soon.  However, I keep checking every single time I wipe expecting it to start - or dreading that it will.  Every once in awhile throughout the day, I get that feeling like I've started.  You know, how you can just tell when you've started?  But nope!  It's all good so far.  I've just got to trust that these damn, I mean darn, shots are doing their job.

• I keep feeling like I have "symptoms."  Of course, I KNOW they can't be pregnancy symptoms as it is WAY too early for that, but it doesn't stop me from questioning every little thing!  Mostly, I know that they are just a result of the PIO and probably a little side effect from the invasive procedure of the transfer.  I have felt:
• bloated
• breast tenderness
• stomach cramping
• every once in awhile I get twinges down yonder
• headaches
• lots of itchiness on my belly
• cranky

• In addition to all that, OH. MY. GARSH!!  My hips are so incredibly sore from the nightly injections.  It's only been 6 nights so far.  I cannot even imagine what it's going to be like after 2 weeks.  Even so, I PRAY, that I will have to continue with them for another 3 months.  I want that more than anything right now.  I have massaged the injection site each night and put a hot pad on it for about an hour afterward, but it doesn't seem to be helping.  Today, while working with a client, I leaned up against another machine which is normal for me, and I cried out and shot away from it.  The guy wondered what the heck was wrong with me.  I just told him everything was fine!  lol  I also find laying on my side rather difficult to sleep now.  This afternoon, I envisioned a family member at Christmas jokingly slapping me in the butt or snapping me with a towel.  It was not a pleasant vision.

• Also, my lower glutes have been sore yesterday and today, like they would be sore after a majorly good workout.  But I haven't done a hard enough workout to make me that sore in a long time.  The only thing I can think of is that they are sore from clinching so hard trying not to pee myself after the transfer. 

• Today I told my Mom not to ask me the question of if I'm pregnant.  She knows what we are doing.  She knows my sister is helping.  She does not know the time line of everything though.  I told her we won't know for awhile yet, but please don't ask about it because that is not how I would want to make the announcement that we are pregnant.  She didn't really understand, so I tried to explain it to her.  I told her that nothing about us trying to get pregnant is normal.  I want to at least be able to experience being able to make that announcement like a normal person would.  I will tell her if it works, and I will tell her if it doesn't, but I want it to be on my terms.  She still really didn't understand, but agreed anyway.  I think she was just really confused.

• It's not just me.  Hubby keeps asking me if I am feeling pregnant yet.  Every time I call him during the day (which is only once, maybe twice a day, if at all) he thinks I'm calling with pregnancy news.  Like I'm supposed to magically be able to tell if I'm pregnant.  I can't blame him though, when my thoughts run exactly the same way.

I think this just about covers everything, but in a much condensed version of the way my brain has been thinking lately.  There is only 12 more days of over analyzing every little thing and wondering whether we are going to be pregnant or not.  PLEASE, please, please!!!!!

 

Well THAT was Embarrassing

Yesterday after the transfer, I just came home and basically did nothing.  Today, I am doing the same thing.  I was planning to go to work today, but I am supposed to take it easy.  That would have been impossible with the schedule I had today, which was booked solid from 6:00am to 2:00pm.  So I called all my clients to let them know I wouldn't be in today.

(My "real" job is working as a personal trainer.  I can do that without it being too strenuous, but with no breaks in an 8 hour period, I would have been on my feet ALL day.  I also teach a water aerobics class.  There is generally between 30-40 people in the class, so I don't get in the pool with them or they would never be able to see what they are supposed to be doing or be able to hear me.  That requires me to be on the concrete pool deck doing the exercises.  On land, that is a lot of impact.  So looking ahead, I had already lined up a sub to teach my class for the 2ww.  Working with my regular clients one-on-one won't be a problem generally, but I was nervous about such a full schedule the DAY after my transfer.  I was told the first 3 days are the most important, so I am at home.  Resting.  No complaints about that!)

Now, on to my embarrassing story...

When you go in for an embryo transfer, you are required to go in with a full bladder.  I have what I believe is the smallest bladder in history.  Seriously.  I have about an hour drive to my clinic.  Usually, when I arrive, I can barely get to the elevator out of the parking garage without waddling and making a fool of myself trying not to pee my pants.

For my first IVF, I had to go so badly when I arrived that I did use the restroom before hand, thinking I would only let out a little bit.  I guess I let out too much because I didn't end up going into the appointment with quite a full bladder, but they said it would be okay.  At my clinic, they have you wait on the table for 30 minutes after the transfer, in which you are supposed to relax.  I remember having to pee SO bad and was dying by the end of the 30 minute wait.  I could barely put my pants back on.  But I survived and it was okay.

And then there was yesterday's transfer.  I remembered not quite having that full bladder the last time, so I wanted to make especially sure that I did exactly what I was supposed to this time, especially after it was explained to me on egg retrieval day just how important that full bladder is in order to place the embabies in the uterus properly. 

However, turns out it was a pretty busy day in the IF world and there were several procedures going on that day so they were running late.  I actually got called back only a few minutes after our scheduled time, but then ended up waiting half naked on the table with the lovely paper blanket securely around me.  Hubby got interested in a magazine with a cover story about how to "keep your man hooked."  He thought there might be some good pointers in there for me.  I tried to humor him and took the quiz about sexual fantasies or something like that.  It was one of those magazines like Cosmopolitan that always have silly articles along those lines.  All I could think was, I really have to pee!

The nurse came in and said they had to do another procedure and it would be about 10 minutes.  Would I be able to hold it another 10 minutes?  I told her it wasn't the 10 minutes I was worried about.  It was the 30 minute wait afterward!  She decided to pull the ultrasound wand out and checked my bladder.  She said I followed directions VERY well because I definitely had a full bladder.  She told me I could go let a little bit out, but then come back and take a few sips.

I don't know if it was more painful to just keep holding it, or to let a little out, because it was very difficult to just cut myself off after only a little bit.

About 45 minutes after our scheduled appointment time, the embryologist came in and talked to us about the quality of our embabies.  This took about another 10 minutes.  Because we were unsure about using 2 or 3 embabies, we then needed to talk with Dr. W about our decision and the risks involved if we chose 3 (we chose 2).  While we waited for Dr. W, the nurse let me go pee just a little bit more out because I was so uncomfortable.  Again, it was rather painful to cut myself off, and I was afraid of letting too much out so I was still incredibly uncomfortable.

By the time we actually got to the transfer, it was about 1.5 hours after our scheduled time.  As soon as everybody got all set to do the procedure and they placed the ultrasound wand on my belly, Dr. W immediately said "Wow!  You DO have a really full bladder.  Look how big it is!"

My response?  "That is why I've been telling you guys I REALLY had to pee!"

Dr. W told me I could actually let go of about 2/3rds of my bladder.  Okay.  How the HECK am I supposed to know what 2/3rds is?  So I let myself go a little bit more this time than I had previously.  (TMI, I know)  I wiped, but could still barely stand I had to pee so bad.  So I went some more.  I repeated this 3 times, wondering the whole time, is that 2/3rds?

Back up onto the table I go, feet in stirrups.  Let's get this show on the road.  I still had to pee.  She had a difficult time finding the path to my uterus and went through 4 (FOUR!!) different size/shaped speculums because my cervix apparently sits funny.  This wasn't very pleasant, but whatever it takes to get a baby.  That's been my motto for awhile now.

Finally, we got it done.  The embabies were in my uterus.  I even got a picture of them!  Although they are difficult to see because of the shadow of my very expanded and full bladder.  Haha!

Okay.  I still have to pee REALLY bad!  And this was the START of my 30 minute wait.  The nurse asked me if I could please wait just 5 minutes and she would give me a bedpan.  And then Hubby and I were in the room by ourselves.

My 5 minute wait lasted about 2 seconds.  I was shaking terribly and clenching so hard not to pee myself.  Hubby wasn't quite sure what to do.  I told him I needed a bedpan NOW!  He started to look for one and I told him he just needed to go find the nurse.

He comes back after circling the hallway and not finding anyone (they are in another procedure).  I told him it's too late, I can't hold it anymore!  He leaves and comes back with another nurse, who he found on her lunch break somewhere.

By this point, I have already totally wet my naked self, laying on the table.  Thank God they at least put padding down.  I told her I was really sorry and that I was totally embarrassed but I had already peed what I couldn't hold in anymore.  She then gave me a bedpan so I could fully empty my bladder.

She stepped back and asked me if I needed her to leave the room to give me privacy.  I almost felt like she needed to leave for her own comfort level, but I told her she didn't have to because I was already done!  I couldn't have held it in long enough for her to leave the room!  I was totally embarrassed that I couldn't control myself.  They say there is no shame in being pregnant and giving birth.  Apparently in my case, there is also no shame in GETTING pregnant either.

She took the very FULL bedpan (which she commented on) and gave me a cloth to wipe myself up, took the wet padding from underneath me and placed a blanket under me.  Again, I told her I was so sorry and embarrassed.  She was actually very nice, but that doesn't mean I didn't feel bad.

She told me not to worry about it, that it actually happens all the time.  I suppose that is true, or they wouldn't have bedpans so readily available.  But still.  Did it have to be me?

The nurses (the other one finally came back) explained to Hubby and I that it wasn't possible to pee the embryos out, which was of course on the back of  our minds.  Why else would I need to wait at least the 5 minutes, which I did not make.  She said it was just to let my body relax after the transfer.  I was so TOTALLY NOT relaxed trying to keep from peeing myself!  Ugg. 

Well, hopefully it wasn't as traumatic for the embabies as it was for me.  I know this all probably sounds really stupid, but when you are trying to do absolutely everything exactly the way it's supposed to be done for the MOST success possible....  It's a little stressful when it doesn't go EXACTLY as planned.  I just hope at the end of our 2ww, I don't have to look back on that moment yesterday and think maybe it didn't work because my body was straining so badly that it hurt the embabies, or that maybe I peed them out....

Hopefully, we can just look back at this time and laugh because really, it should be funny.  It would be for any fertile person that could just get pregnant.  But knowing this is our last chance... it doesn't seem so funny right now.  I don't mean to be so dramatic, but that is the truth of it.

13 more days until we know.....

How Many Do We Choose: 2 or 3?

So today was the day.  Out of the 5 fertilized eggs, one of them didn't cleave, so we were left with 4 embryo's.  Here is what our 4 little embabies have made it to so far:

8 cell, grade 3.5
8 cell, grade 2.0
6 cell, grade 2.5
4 cell, grade I can't remember

Our clinic grades them 1 through 5, with 5 being the best, most perfect embryo there is.  The embryologist said they never give a 5.  She said our 2 best embabies were the 8 cell, grade 3.5 and the 6 cell, grade 2.5.  Because of this, we ended up with a 3 day transfer

The chances of the other 2 making it to freeze is very slim.  The other 8 cell was pretty fragmented, and the 4 cell might be okay, but it is pretty slow growing.  Reason being is because if the embabies can't make it that far, they will not survive the freeze or the thaw.  They never freeze before day 6.

Hubby and I both feel like this is pretty much it.  We were really hoping for some snow babies, just so we could have the peace of mind of at least one more chance, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen.  Due to that, we were strongly debating whether we should put in 3 embabies today.  What if the 4 cell actually would have been our most successful chance at pregnancy?  And now we have lost that because we didn't put it in and it most likely won't make it to freeze.

We had an in depth conversation with both the embryologist and Dr. W and both of them felt that it was too risky.  Dr. W said that everything looked really good.  My sister is still young and producing good young eggs and I have a healthy uterus.  She said that it would go against protocol to transfer 3 eggs unless we would be willing to selectively reduce if we end up with triplets.

We explained how we feel this is our last shot at it because we cannot afford to continue further.  (the ARC package we used includes one FET, but if we don't even make it to that it's nil and void)  Dr. W understood that, but told us that the financial burden of having premature babies in the NICU is also very high and she would rather us not take that risk.  She said ALL triplets are born early. 

Now, I happen to personally know a few triplets that have grown to be healthy adults, so I DO know it is possible to have a good outcome to a multiples pregnancy.  I also have read MANY blogs with good outcomes.  However, I also have read several blogs that have resulted in miscarriages and health related issues with triplets.  I also know that I would have a very difficult time choosing to selectively reduce.  I don't know if I could live with myself if we did that.

So, Hubby and I agreed to just transfer 2 embryos, which I'm still not 100% convinced was the right choice.  In all honesty, I would really like to have twins.  I've never wanted to have an only child and twins would take care of it all in one swoop.The thought of triplets does scare me though, because I know they become even more high risk and what if we were to lose them all?  At this point, I will be VERY happy with just ONE healthy take home baby.  How do I know I won't have a high risk pregnancy with even just one?  We don't know that yet.  But hopefully we find out.  At the end of the day, we just want to be able to take a baby home with us in 9 months.  Whether it's one, two, three....please, please, please just let this work!!

So begins the 2 week wait....

PIO Injections

3 nights of injections = 4 pokes

I know we are probably really ridiculous about these injections, but I hate needles and Hubby hates having to give me these shots.  He is not of nurse material.  We probably make this much harder than it should be, but it is whole new territory for us.  Quite frankly, I think we've done pretty good so far because we've actually got them done.

I've already shared our experience of the first injection.  The second night went pretty good and was fairly quick.  Our niece was in the other room, so we needed to be proficient.  The only thing that happened was my butt cheek flinching again when he first started to poke.  And of course that made him jump back because it scared him.  Then we settled in and just got it over with.  It was a little painful, and actually felt pretty bruised to the touch yesterday, but manageable.

Then last night.  Sigh.... Before we got started, I told Hubby that chances were I would flinch again.  It is totally involuntary and something that I can't help.  When he inserted the needle, I barely flinched at all this time so we made it further into it.

But then!  Then, as he is injecting the PIO, it hurt a little and I flinched and guess what?  It scares Hubby and he jumps back.  With the needle.  Yay me!  We still have to finish the dosage!  I'm mortified that he has to stab me again, and he's mortified for the same reason.  He hates the thought of inflicting any pain on me and this is hard on him too.  He tried to be positive though and said "at least we don't have the full 2 ml left to do."  We'd barely gotten started and still had 1.5 ml to go, but I appreciate him trying to be positive :)

So we changed out the needle and got the rest of it done.  I have taken the advice of several and rubbed the injection site each night, and also have used a hot pad to help prevent the PIO from lumping.  So far I don't really feel any lumps.  My left side has bled more, but is actually less painful.  My right side has only had one injection, didn't bleed, but feels very tender.

It's only been 3 nights.  We have at the minimum 2 more weeks of this, until we find out whether I get pregnant or not.  (And then the horrible thought crosses my mind of it all depending on even making it to transfer.  PLEASE let there be viable embabies!)  At most we will have 3 months of PIO injections and that is what I pray for.  As much as I dislike them, I really, really want to have to continue them.  They aren't that bad.  I just have to remind myself that many before me have made it through this stage.

I also don't mean to scare anyone else that may not be to this stage yet.  Just know that if I can get through this, so can you!  To others that have been down this road already, I may just sound like a big baby.  And you know what?  I probably am.  When it comes to shots, that's just the way I am.  I've made it through all the stim shots for 2 cycles.  I made it through the month of Lupron injections for this cycle.  I know I can make it through the PIO injections too. 

Fertilization Report

The egg retrieval yesterday went really well.  Sis did fantastic, with minimal pain during the procedure.  Actually, the worst was when she got the IV put in.  There were 14 eggs retrieved.  14!!  We were hoping for 12, so we were very happy with that number.

When we were all done, we stopped to get something to eat on the way home.  I was really impressed with how well Sis was feeling.  After my egg retrieval previously, I had no interest in eating at all, but she was starving!  Then we went back to her place.  She put some laundry in - again I was impressed.

Then she did what I expected her to do.  We went and laid down in her bedroom, put in a season of Bones, and took a nap.  Yay for naps!

I just got the call from the embryologist with the fertilization report.  Out of the 14 eggs retrieved, 9 of them were mature.  Out of the 9, we have 5 fertilized eggs.  Only 5.  Which is better than 3 or 2 or 1.  Or none at all.  But I was really hoping we'd have a good 8 fertilized embryos at this point, knowing that most likely they all wouldn't make it to blast.

We have 5.  I'll be honest, this number scares me because I was really REALLY hoping we'd have embryos left to freeze for another attempt down the road.  Now I feel like we are putting all our hopes and dreams on this attempt, which would make this our last ditch effort.  If this cycle doesn't work, if I don't get pregnant, or even if I do but then miscarry, this is it.  We can't afford to go through this anymore.  We have stretched our debt as far as we can and even if we could afford it, I don't feel like I could ask Sis to go through this again.  The ARC package we used to take out our loan included one FET, but we may not have any embryos to freeze, so it won't matter.

I know this isn't very positive thinking, because I do know that this all could still work and we end up with our take home baby.  But that doesn't stop me from being scared.  We've been married for 15 years.  We've been wanting to start a family for 13 of those years.  That is a LONG time.  This is the end of the road for us.  It HAS to work!

Now, I wait until Monday to know if I will go in that morning for transfer or if we can wait for a 5 day transfer.  Just depends on how the embryos are progressing.  Come on babies, GROW!  I'm scared.

I do get a good distraction today.  Our 7 year old niece spent the night last night and we are taking her to her first Beaver football game.  Last night I taught her a cheer:  O......S.......U.....Oregon State, fight, fight, fight!!  Hopefully, she has fun.  Hopefully, it doesn't rain too much (but it IS Oregon).  Hopefully, the Beavers win (they should!).

Hopefully, we can have a baby......