I'm Drowning

Here's the awful truth: I am really struggling.  I feel like I've been drowning in my loneliness.
As infertiles, we are made to feel like we can't complain about the woes of parenthood.  We are supposed to love every single second of pregnancy, and then every moment of being a mommy.  People get really mad if you voice anything negative, especially in the infertile social media world.  You get accused of forgetting what it's like to be infertile, of forgetting everything that we had to go through to get to this point, and for not appreciating the precious little babies that we have.

I love my babies.  I love Ayden and Rylee with my whole being.  I'm sitting here crying as I write that because I feel like such an awful person that they are not enough, that it's not enough to just be their mommy.  Does that make me a failure?  Does that mean I don't deserve them?  Some people would say yes.

The truth is that I won't ever forget all those years of struggling to start our family.  I won't ever forget all those shots that I had to give myself.  I won't ever forget going through two miscarriages.  I won't forget that my sister gave us the most precious gift of herself in order for Ayden and Rylee to come into this world.

However, that doesn't stop me from feeling the way I do now.  I don't know who I am anymore.  All my girlfriends that I confided in and had heart to hearts with aren't around anymore.  I feel left behind.  They have continued on with their lives while mine has made a drastic turn.  Of course it's a turn in a good direction.  I just never imagined it meaning I would lose who I was.  I no longer have softball in my life.  I'm not working, so I don't get that interaction with adults.  Before we moved, we had several weekly visitors coming over to see the babies.  Now we get visitors maybe once every month and a half.  If I want to see anyone, I am typically driving at least an hour (one way) to do so.

I am very thankful that I have the opportunity to stay home with Ayden and Rylee, but I never knew how hard that would be.  Even at night, I am the one that is responsible for getting up with Ayden and Rylee if it's needed.  I don't get time off.  The only free time I ever get is when I go grocery shopping on the weekends.  Tony always tells me to "have fun," but really, how fun is grocery shopping?  There's been a few times that Tony has told me to take a day for myself to go see a movie or something.  I've appreciated those days, but it makes me feel even more lonely when I have nobody to ask to go see a movie with.  I see other moms post on Facebook about their girls night out and I am envious.  I envy their friendships.

Since Ayden and Rylee have been born, Tony has had two trips to Seattle with friends.  This last Sunday he was with friends doing a fantasy football draft, and he has another football draft this coming weekend.  His group of friends make it a really big all day thing, getting together to golf, bbq, and do their draft.  I am jealous that he has such close friends to do these things with.  It makes me feel like such a loser that I don't.

I know I can always ask my sister if she wants to do something, but she is rarely able to.  She has four kids.  I get that.  She also runs her own daycare.  I'd love to be able to talk to her more, but that's typically not an option either because she's so busy between her family and her daycare kids.

When I wrote my last post about finally making a little bit of time for myself to go for walks twice a week, within 20 minutes of me posting it, I lost two followers.  I'm not going to lie, it hurt my feelings.  I know blog followers come and go, but it was depressing that immediately following my post, two people decided I wasn't worthy enough.  In the midst of everything I've been feeling lately, it sent me into a short tailspin.  I have to say thank you for those of you that wrote such nice, supportive comments, because it really helped me let it go.  I have made so many "friends" since starting this blog.  I can't tell you how much that has meant to me.

I am usually a cup half full type of person.  I really hate dwelling in negative.  Writing all this makes me feel like a complete whiner, and I apologize.  I just really needed an outlet for all this pent up loneliness I've been feeling lately.