This was not my intended topic at all, but then I read a comment that someone made on another blog and it has totally rubbed me the wrong way. It wasn't even my blog, but I feel like maybe the comment was inadvertently directed toward me anyway and toward a comment I had made on this particular blog post. The blogger was concerned about sounding unappreciative or insensitive to her IF sisters still in the trenches because she had voiced her (normal) pregnancy concerns in her post. My comment to her was that she shouldn't feel like she can't voice her concerns or pregnancy woes out of concern for IF's still struggling.
Here's the comment that's got my goat this morning:
"and it’s good to hear, just trying to be honest, that you haven’t yet
forgotten about your still trying infertile peeps out here. sometimes i
get sad when infertility blogs i read finally get pregnant. selfish, i
know. but i feel like i just lost one more person who ‘gets it’. it
seems so often those who struggle with infertility instantly forget what
it’s like once they have a little snuggle bug in their arms. so i’m
glad to see you still get it."
Before I go any further, I feel I should remind everyone that it has taken us 14 years to get where we are at today, pregnant with twins. I have been on this infertile path for a LONG time. I'd also like to remind you that we didn't just happen to get pregnant on our own, or even through regular IVF. We eventually got to the point of using an egg donor. I don't think I'm likely to instantly forget what it's like to go through the struggle.
I'm going to be 40 years old with a pair of one year olds. I'm not likely to forget what it's like, when I had always wanted four kids by the time I was 30. That plan didn't turn out to be in the cards for us. We are going to be almost 60 years old by the time they graduate from high school. We are likely to be in our 70's when they bless us with grandchildren. I'm not likely to forget that we struggled for so many years to have our family, when we may not be able to enjoy vacations with our grandkids because we are older than we had hoped to be at that stage in life.
When I pay our $800 bill each month for the next five years, I won't forget that it is to pay off the debt we took on in order to have even just a CHANCE of having these babies.
Once I am holding these "little snuggle bugs" in my arms, I am not going to instantly forget the 14 year struggle with infertility that we went through. I am still going to 'get' the struggle that others are going through for their own children.
As I mentioned earlier, this comment was probably not even intended for me. I know I shouldn't be spending so much time dissecting it either. It just rubs me the wrong way that she would say "it's good to hear you haven't YET forgotten" about all the infertile peeps still trying. It rubs me the wrong way that she says "SO OFTEN those who struggle with infertility instantly forget." That just seems to put almost every single one of us that actually succeeds in this process in that category. At least she admits to being selfish when she gets sad "when infertility blogs I read get pregnant."
I have never understood this way of thinking. I always was encouraged by the success of others overcoming their IF struggles. For many, many years, we thought we were never going to have any children. Even during those times, I was HAPPY for others, including fertile myrtles. Should I wish my pain and my loss on others? That just doesn't seem right. Seeing pregnant women has never bothered me. Seeing Facebook pregnancy announcements never made me jealous. Seeing pictures of babies has never sent me into a depression. Being around kids has never pushed me over the edge. If I wasn't going to have my own, I sure as hell wanted to enjoy everyone else's babies!
Don't get me wrong, I still don't understand why it's so easy for some and not for others. There have still been a few pregnancy announcements that have hurt, such as when my sister told me she was pregnant with her fourth, following my miscarriage. That was a hard moment for us both, considering she was our egg donor. She got her positive hpt the day after I found out my baby was dead. That was a difficult time for her as well. I was happy for her, but at the time, I really hurt for myself. Now, we are just excited to welcome her new little girl to the family within the next week or two.
I guess the whole point to this rant is that just because we are now pregnant, or just because an infertile has been blessed with a child or two or three, doesn't mean that we instantly forget the struggle. I also don't think it means we should never complain or voice our pregnancy concerns. Just because we struggled with infertility, doesn't mean we should ENJOY morning sickness. Okay, the first time I got sick, I admit to celebrating and being happy about it. However, when I threw up my lunch in the bathroom at work, and then turned around and had to meet a client with bruised and watery eyes feeling like death? Yeah, I did not enjoy that moment.
I'm also scared about my impending baby belly. It's something I've always wanted to experience, but I think all women worry at least a little bit about the baby belly that will be left behind postpartum. That's not the part that scares me though. Have you SEEN twin baby bellies? It looks like it hurts! How the hell am I going to be able to work with a belly that big? I had an idea of what to expect with one baby, but two? That makes me nervous.
I don't think it is wrong for us pregnant infertiles to voice these concerns. I think we should be able to without fear of the backlash we may get from those still in the trenches. Just because we don't like puking our guts out, or just because we have fears, does NOT mean we don't appreciate our pregnancy or the blessings of our little ones when they come.
When I hold these babies in my arms and get to snuggle them, I will NOT forget. When I post pictures of the babies on Facebook or on my blog, it does NOT mean I forgot about the journey to get them. When I complain about sleepless nights, about the financial strain, the whining, etc..... I will NOT forget! Just because there are hard moments, does not make us any less appreciative of what we have been blessed with. Just because you hear a complaint from us, does not mean that we don't understand and appreciate the hard fought battle to even get to this point.
I sympathize with all my infertile friends. I cry with you. My heart breaks for you on many occasions. I will also cheer with you, celebrate with you, and shout with glee when your moment comes. I will support you if you ever decide to change your path, whether it be toward adoption or living a child free life. I will be your friend through thick and thin.
Just because I am pregnant now, does not mean I am through with this infertile journey. I worry on a daily basis about these babies actually making it to the outside world. How can I forget what the last 14 years of wanting a baby of my own has been like? How can I forget the heartbreak of having a miscarriage at 9w5d? How can I forget that if something were to happen to these two little ones, we will be living the rest of our lives child free and won't have a choice in the matter?
That being said, I don't feel like I should stop posting about my pregnancy and the plans we are making for them to join the world. When they are born, this blog will become Old Lady with Two Babies instead of Old Lady and No Baby. I hope that you will continue to be my bloggie friend and can rejoice with us. But if it makes you sad that I am moving into the next phase, then I am sorry on your behalf, but I will continue living my life and sharing it with those that care to follow. If you no longer feel like you can continue following my blog, that is okay. That would make ME sad to lose a friend, but it would be okay if that is what is best for you. Please be aware though, that just because I brag about my kids, or vent about them on occasion, I absolutely will not instantly (or ever) forget our struggle with infertility.
I absolutely love this post! I see so many woman who get pregnant after suffering through infertility and I feel like they are walking on egg shells not to offend those of us still trying. You have graduated to another step in your journey. Btw I can promise when I get pregnant, I will not be the one celebrating puking...
ReplyDeleteThanks Toni. That really means a lot. I was afraid I would end up offending someone else in return for my rant, but I don't think anyone should ever feel guilty for finally getting their little one(s). Lol about not celebrating the puking! Bahaha!
DeleteWow. If that was directed at you, the person should have learned a tiny bit about you before assuming a whole heck of a lot! Just because you were acknowledging a former infertiles right to be happy about her success AND be like any other pregnant woman and have a momentary complaint about a pregnancy woe, that does NOT mean you have forgotten or encourage anyone else to forget what it feels like "in the trenches". No one knows what is in your heart, but this person didn't bother to check even what you've put out there publicly. How rude. To me, it almost seems as if she wants to take yet another thing from an infertile, the right to feel like any other pregnant woman and have normal concerns. I am certain she was sensitive about it and seeing as it's her sisters we are talking about, they totally understood.
ReplyDeleteI agree, we don't forget. Some of us remain more connected with it than others, once we are resolved and that's fine. But we never forget and we are never ever the same.
I would seriously doubt the comment was directed at me, but I HAD commented on this particular blog post (not my blog) that she shouldn't feel guilty about voicing her concerns, etc. I'm sure the commenter was trying to be supportive, but it rubbed me the wrong way and kind of made it sound like we all need to be cautious about what we say on our blogs at the expense of hurting another infertiles feelings. Yes, I think we should be sensitive to others, but not at the expense of our own feelings. You put it best "it almost seems as if she wants to take yet another thing from the infertile, the right to feel like any other pregnant woman and have normal concerns." Exactly my point!!!!!! Thank you for putting it into words so well.
DeleteYou are right when you say some of us remain connected to IF more than others. I'm sure there are probably a few exceptions out there that actually do forget, but I think that is FEW AND FAR between. Most never forget.
This is YOUR blog and YOUR life. You can say anything and everything you want here and you know what? People have a choice if they choose to come here and read it or not. I personally am thrilled that after all this time and struggle you will now be blessed with 2 miracles, it is just amazing! No I have not become pregnant yet but that has nothing at all to do with you. It just amazes me how people get on here behind a computer screen and say negative things. I know I'm going on a rant here but it just breaks my heart that you were put in a position to even feel the need to post this ya know? I hate that for you :( This is your space and I know all of us who have been following you are thrilled beyond belief of where you are at now and look forward to the rest of this journey.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your friendship Amie! I can't express enough how much that means to me.
DeleteI do feel I should clarify, just to be sure, that this person's comment was not on my own blog and I probably took it to heart more than I should have. This person maybe was not even trying to be negative, but as I said, it just rubbed me the wrong way.
Thank you for the rant. It makes me feel better that I'm not the only one that is the one ranting :) lol
I don't that that one second an infertile person that becomes pregnant will ever forget what it was like to struggle to get pregnant. I love reading that after such struggles they then end up with a normal pregnancy because truly isn't that what we all hope for?
ReplyDeleteThank you Rebecca. Coming from someone in the thick of the struggle right now, I really appreciate your comment. It means a lot and I couldn't agree more, isn't a normal pregnancy what we ALL hope for? If we didn't ever witness other people succeeding after a long battle, why would we even keep trying?
DeleteI love that you wrote this! I saw that comment and it rubbed me the wrong way, as well. Sure, there are some who forget, but for the majority of us it will always be there in some way, and it isn't fair to lump us all in together. I feel like everything about my pregnancy experience is affected by IF. I do feel guilty sometimes for complaining about normal pregnancy things. I find I downplay all the negatives when people ask me how I am feeling. But, just because it was a struggle to get here doesn't mean I have to enjoy every aspect of pregnancy. It isn't all sunshine and rainbows - especially when you are carrying twins. It's hard. And I'm not gonna lie, you are right, the twin belly does hurt sometimes when you get big. For me it's when I'm having a growth spurt -the ligament pain gets bad and my skin feels stretched to it's limit. But then it goes away and it's still uncomfortable carrying around this belly, but not always painful. You'll figure out how to continue working with it. You probably just won't be demonstrating a lot of things to your clients. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I'm not the only one it rubbed the wrong way. What bothered me most was how the comment did seem to lump us all in the same catagory. I appreciate your words on the twin baby belly. I already feel my skin stretching and noticed yesterday that my belly button is changing. I can live with uncomfortble and expect the changes. I'm fearful of the painful part though. I know we are definitely not the first to go through it and that we will survive though :)
DeletePfft there is NO WAY IN HELL that an infertile can forget her struggles! I may not have my BFP yet but I know when it does happen there is no way I'd forget anything about IF. It is our right to vent/complain/praise any aspect of our journey and anyone that doesn't like it can get lost! Ugh that comment makes me made too! Pregnant infertiles shouldn't have to censor their thoughts/comments just because they are pregnant that woman should think about how she would be after her own BFP will she want to censor herself? Yeah probably not.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post Amber and I can't wait to continue following your journey as you become an old lady with two babies :-)
Thanks for sticking with me Heather :) I can't wait to continue following your journey as well, and am looking forward to the day I hopefully get to whoop and holler to celebrate your bfp!
DeleteGood job venting and expressing your feelings. Hopefully, it will wake up whomever made these comments. As someone who didn't have a problem with pregnancy, I have learned so much through just your blog and have a new understanding of what you and your fellow blogger friends are going through. And I would say with 100% conviction that you WILL NOT FORGET what it has taken to bring a little one into this world or any of you that have been blessed with little ones through IVF. And knowing you personally, you will feel everyone's pain when not successful and CHEER like a champ when they are finally blessed with their own little one.
ReplyDeleteHas to be said, that even when venting, you can make me smile with your humor!
And again, I admire you so much! You have a proud Auntie here! Love you!!
I am so glad I have the ability to make you laugh always :) Thank you for being such a good Aunt!
DeleteIm with you, I never got it when people got jealous or couldn't be happy for their pregnant friends, infertile or not. Especially when a friend was infertile, and why is talking about you pregnancy considered "forgetting" or "being insensitive' ? Sometimes being pregnant and parenting is hard, its normal to complain. People can get bitter, but they need to realize they are only hurthing themselves
ReplyDeleteI understand that it is harder for some going through the trenches than others, I've just always thought it was much more enjoyable to be happy for them personally. It's so nice to know I'm not the only odd ball that can celebrate with other's when we have struggled so much.
DeleteThank you for writing this post. You hit the nail on the head. Just because you aren't talking about your IF in every post, you're made to feel guilty for talking about what your life is like now. Instead of talking about charting, and appointments and shots, you're living morning sickness, praying for heartbeats and planning a nursery. It's where all of us want to be as infertiles, right? Pregnant with healthy babies? I never understood exactly what crossing over from IF to pregnancy was like until I lived it. There is a lot of guilt that comes along with that BFP, because we KNOW what it feels like to still be on the other side. We don't forget and it's shameful for a fellow infertile to assume otherwise. I doubt anyone would want to read a pregnant after infertility blog where there is absolutely no talk of a pregnancy/babies. Heck, I would have no idea what to really expect if other bloggers weren't honest and continued to blog after that illusive BFP! Whew, now I'm all fired up :) I'm glad you got it off your chest. You are an amazing support for those still in the trenches. Don't forget that.
ReplyDeletelol, I'm sorry for getting you fired up as well :) I know what you mean about learning from others who have crossed over that IF line into pregnancy. I really enjoy learning from those that have gone before us :) Thank you for being such an amazing support to ME Laura!
DeleteI so agree with Laura (and everyone else who is commenting and sticking up for you and agreeing with your post). The post was so well-written. I'm so happy that you wrote it. I'm not the type to hate all things pregnancy/baby-related. I really am truly happy for those who get pregnant and have a baby, no matter how long they've been trying. You really are so supportive for those still in the trenches, and it is so appreciated. I'm SO happy for you and can't wait to follow your blog when you're an "old lady" with 2 babies!! By the way, I grew up with older-than-"normal" parents, but my little sisters have it even worse... They are 11 and 16 and my parents are 60 and 64! :)
DeleteJennifer thank you so much for your kind words and support. I've coached a few girls that had "older" parents so I have seen what that will be like. We are okay with that, it's just not what we had planned out for ourselves starting out. Of course, sometimes the best course is not the one originally planned :)
DeleteWhat a passionate, well-written post. Thanks for speaking up. While I totally agree with everything you're saying and can vouch for the fact that we don't forget our struggles even after we've had a child, I also get where that other person is coming from. Amber, I've always felt that you are in the minority when it comes to your ability to handle pregnancy announcements and the like so graciously. Many of us, myself included, simply aren't that tough. When I hear of accidental or "easily gotten" pregnancies, I feel jealous. I feel upset. I even feel angry and entitled at times. It is something that I strive to overcome every day, but it's still there, trying to steal the joy that I want to experience for other people. I wish I had what you have - the ability to be happy for and encouraged by other people's pregnancy successes. I know that it's something that you've fought to create and retain when circumstances have worked hard to turn your heart bitter and ugly. But unfortunately, I tend to feel a pull in two directions - being happy for them and feeling sorry for myself.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, while I didn't read the post or the comment, I can see where that person might be coming from in expressing gratitude for not being forgotten. Infertility is...as you know...incredibly lonely. That's why so many of us started our blogs - to become part of a community that gets it. Infertility can also be traumatizing, and with trauma comes triggers. It can be really tough when a blog that you've always turned to for support and camaraderie all of a sudden becomes a constant trigger.
That isn't to say that pregnant infertiles or infertiles with children should silence themselves. In fact, just the opposite. I think it's so useful for people to be honest about the struggles that come with the blessings in our lives. I value it so much that I'm starting to realize that it's one of the things my blog is known for.
But, just like you do, I respect other people's right (sometimes their legitimate need) to click away. Sometimes our trauma is too raw. Sometimes we just don't have the internal resources to handle it. And sometimes, it's nice to feel that hand reach back from "the other side" and remind us that they're still with us...that they haven't forgotten.
Em, you my friend, are one of the bloggie friends I admire the most because you have such a warm and loving heart. I do get the idea that some people have a hard time with other's pregnancies, with announcements and such and I would never hold that against someone. I disagree when you say you aren't that tough. I happen to think you are one of the toughest ladies I "know." I've read your entire blog and know your journey. There is just no denying how tough you truly are and the amazing you spirit that you have.
DeleteI also can't lie when I say I NEVER feel upset. I do get upset and don't understand when some people have babies in circumstances that no baby should ever have to be born in, such as to drug momma's. I get extremely upset when I hear a story of a parent that has killed their child. On a much lesser scale, my heart tends to hurt when I learn of a teenage girl getting pregnant. I'm not immune, I just find that it's a much nicer place to be happy for someone (in normal circumstances) than it is to get upset about it.
I also do get that following someone's pregnancy blog can be difficult when you are still struggling so much yourself. I don't necessarily understand it, but I can accept that it can and is difficult for some. I was just upset with the idea that this commenter seemed to lump all infertiles in the same bag that we instantly forget what it's like and no longer "get it."
As I said Em, I really appreciate your insight and who you are as a person. I kind of have a little blog crush on you, in a non creepy way of course :) and I really take to heart your comments.
I don't know what blog or blog post the comments were in, so I don't know the exact context it was made, but I don't think the comment was directed at you. The person who made it is still in the trenches. Your'e not. Not to her at least. Obviously we don't forget what we went thru to get where we are, and we know that, but it's really really hard to see that when aren't sure whether you'll ever make it to the other side. KWIM?
ReplyDeleteFor me, when I was in the worst of it, when a blogger I followed got pregnant, I stopped reading. I was very happy for them and sincerely wished them well, but I didn't want to read about it. I never thought they'd forget their journey, but all of a sudden we weren't walking the same path anymore.
So I guess, while we all have our own perspectives, I wouldn't take her comment personally. It sounds to me like she's in pain and really struggling to get thru it. That said, you should blog about whatever you want and if someone decides not to read it's their choice. :-)
As I mentioned in both my post and my comments, I don't really think the comments were directed at me either. I do get that she is still in the trenches, and I do know what you mean, but I have to respectfully disagree that I ever felt that way. I spent MANY years resigned to the fact and fully believing that we would never be parents. Those 14 years of ttc were very hard, but I (almost) never begrudged other people for their babies. I do understand not being able to read about pregnancies and totally do not hold it against anyone who feels they can't follow my journey anymore. I get that, I've just never felt the same way.
DeleteThank you so much for stopping by my blog and for leaving a comment. Your comment is valued and I appreciate it.
Though I'm not even close to overcoming my infertility, I know... I just KNOW... that no matter how it turns out (HOPEFULLY with a baby!), I will not forget. I agree... I don't think it's possible to forget. AND... if you are one of the lucky ones who is able to overcome IF, then I think you should celebrate and document your pregnancy and life after pregnancy just as much as you documented your IF. I think that doing so, could possibly be something that helps to heal the heartache and pain that you've endured DURING IF!
ReplyDeleteThank you Aubrey. I know how much infertility has played into your own life and how badly you are fighting for your own little one. Knowing your story and following your struggle, I appreciate your words tremendously. I know that reading pregnancy blogs cannot be easy for you and it means so much to me that you are choosing to read my story. I do understand at some point if you need to step away, but I am hoping, praying, crossing my fingers/toes that you will soon be writing about your own pregnancy.
DeleteI wanted to stand up on my dining room table and pump my fist! (Ok, I was a little more subdued) But, great post. You have worked for those babies for 14 years. You should not feel guilty at all, and it sounds like you aren't. I don't know if it was directed at you, but like, Em said, I can relate to the pain of a fellow IF'er getting pregnant. But only in the sense, that I don't tend to comment as much because I can't give that pregnancy and baby advice. But I still cheer them on. Because, they DON'T forget. If and when I get pregnant, I will not forget where I came from. I am looking forward to reading about your pregnancy, even if I can't comment sometimes. <3
ReplyDeleteHaha Risa! The vision of you standing on your dining room table doing a fist pump made me laugh last night when I read it and makes me smile today when I read it again. I totally understand how hard it can be at times. I know what you mean by not feeling like you have a lot to input right now, but I appreciate your friendship so much and anything that you have to offer, even if it's only cheers from the distance :)
DeleteI've often felt that everyone processes infertility a little differently, obviously us bloggers are a little more passionate that others. I first felt a sense of betrayl from my cousin (who conceived her first with IVF) and then used the "we were so relaxed" line to explain her spontanous conception at age 41. Her husband forgot about their experience when he asked be if we were planning kids during Thanksgiving dinner. My Co-worker often commented how she was so easily able to foget about her infertility experience oncce she became pregnant and I would cringe when she would tell me "one day this will all be behind you" Um, no it's always going to be a part of me! Then again her duration of infertility was much sorter than mine, she never experienced a miscarriage. My cousin was a first time IVF success. Sadly, it seems that there are some infertiles who easily forget their experience.
ReplyDeleteJane, your stories just boggle my mind. I do get that people process things differently, I just can't understand anyone that forgets the emotional (and sometimes physical) pain that comes with infertility, most especially if it has included the IVF process. I know it happens, but I don't understand it.
DeleteI often feel like women who are pregnant after struggling with infertility aren't allowed to voice their less than happy feelings, like every concern or frustration we voice will be seen as ingratitude. Infertility leaves scars that last a lifetime and just because a person may get to a point in their life where it doesn't consume them, does not mean that they have forgotten the weeks, months, and years of heartache and hopelessness.
ReplyDeleteIt's probably that we are just so hyper sensitive to things, having to go through the IF process. It definitely does leave behind scars, but then, I have always been one to be proud of my scars :)
DeleteI read the blog post and comment you are talking about. Like you said, I don't think it was directed at you, but I understand your defensiveness. I also understand her feelings as well.
ReplyDeleteI envy the fact that you've been able to handle other people's pregnancy announcements and babies with such grace. I was/am one of the bitter jealous ones when it comes to that (I hate it, but it's true). I still struggle with these feelings, despite being in my second trimester of a seemingly healthy pregnancy. I also struggle with feelings of guilt in rejoicing about my pregnancy. I will never forget what it feels like to lose a pregnancy, to lose the dream of that life becoming my baby, or worrying that I'll never be a mother. I don't think most people "forget," and you're right, it's not fair to lump everyone together like that.
It's a constant battle for me to try to be a "normal" pregnant person who doesn't focus on the possibility of loss or sadness all the time. I love that people who have struggled with loss/infertility can go on to be happy, healthy pregnant women and parents who have normal worries and fears. It's not forgetting, but your/our lives do change when we reach that point. It's just hard to see when you're not the one living it, and I understand that.
That being said, you've been trying for longer than (I think) any blogger I read about, and of course you should be able to rejoice, plan, complain, etc, etc, etc as much as you want!
I've definitely had my moments of bitterness over the years, so I do see both sides. I guess I just felt a little put off that the commenter seemed to lump everyone in together that once pregnant, we don't 'get' the struggle anymore. Like you, it is a constant battle not to worry about the potential for loss, even when this pregnancy seems to be going well. We know all too well what could also go wrong and the heartache it can bring. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry about whether both babies are still alive. I hope that the both of us can make it through our pregnancies with our minds, bodies, and babies in tact, and be able to shout from the rooftops our happiness at how everything has turned out in the end :)
DeleteI love this post! I'll admit that I've had reservations about announcing our pregnancy (whenever that happens...) one, for "lapping" those ladies who have been struggling more than us, but mostly because I've seen some posts and comments made in the blogosphere about how ladies who have become pregnant after IF should not complain about their pregnancies and should be nothing but grateful, which I personally think is BS.
ReplyDeleteI HATE throwing up, so I know that if I get morning sickness, I'm not going to be the happiest person around, and that'll probably come up on my blog. I'm afraid of some of the backlash that some ladies have gotten (not that I think any of my friends would do that, but it's still a fear.) I think that ladies, pregnant after IF or not, have the right to express their fears, frustrations and worries about pregnancy and parenting.
I'll admit that I have hard days when over half of my reading list is filled with ladies who are pregnant or parenting after IF, but I know these ladies have struggled just as much, if not more, than I have, and that my time is coming. I'm excited to follow you on your journey to parenthood and I can't wait to see you holding your bundles of joy. You're going to be an amazing mother, and I so over the moon happy for you guys <3
I think Emily's comment above echoes a lot of my thoughts on this too. First off: jealousy. I feel it. I wish I didn't. I wish I had the fortitude to feel pure, unadulterated joy at the pregnancies of others. But there's always that kernel, that little nugget of "Why can't that be me? Will it ever be me?" that jumps in there to ruin the moment. I try so hard not to feel it and to bat it away but that's it, it's there, and I have to deal with it. Would I ever for a second wish that the person hadn't gotten pregnant or was going through/continuing to go through IF? A million hells no! I truly am happy for their pregnancy and that they're not going through this anymore. But I also feel a little more alone.
ReplyDeleteWhich leads to the second issue: feeling abandoned/forgotten by pregnant infertiles. I've now watched what feels like a good 90% of my original blog friends get pregnant. I am overjoyed for them and extremely happy that, despite all that they have going on, they continue to visit my blog and offer support and concern for me. I try to do the same for them. But I can clearly see our paths diverging. More and more posts eventually start asking advice about birth plans, or recommendations for pregnancy books, and a whole bunch of things that I just can't contribute on because it's not my experience. I'd respectfully suggest that maybe when someone still in the trenches is having a bad day, they might feel like that's "forgetting where you came from". I personally don't agree with that, and I don't know what people expect...are you supposed to live in the past and stop dealing with legitimate pregnancy concerns or fears or issues because there are still some of us not getting pregnant? That's unrealistic. And it's why so many pregnant IF bloggers often go through such a period of identity crisis when they get that BFP, which is something you shouldn't have to do. You should blog for you. And at the end of the day, I don't think anyone who's gone through IF can EVER forget (at least no one that I read has seemed to, you included), and you should be able to go on and celebrate/complain about the new stage in your life as well. But the flip side is that those of us with raw emotions from yet another failed cycle sometimes won't have the strength to jump in there and start commenting on your new nursery design, as much as we might want to. Not because we don't want it for you, but because it reminds of what we might never have. We're watching you guys head off down a different path where we can't (yet, or maybe ever) follow, and that's a little bit lonely. But that's on us to deal with, by not reading sometimes if necessary, and you shouldn't have to change the way you write or how you deal with things because of that.
Long comment short, there's no reason that a pregnant infertile shouldn't celebrate the hell out of a pregnancy (when they're not suffering crippling anxiety about it, that is). In fact, they should probably actually celebrate MORE than a regular fertile because it's something they fought for for so long. That doesn't mean you've forgotten your struggles or the others going through them.
I had my twins 3 years ago with donor eggs. I still follow IVF blogs sometimes. I do talk about parenting but I never forget the struggle, depression and desperation.
ReplyDelete