Softball Starts Today!

Today is officially opening day for high school spring sports in the state of Oregon.  Yesterday was a gorgeous day with the sun shining and a little warmer temperature.  I went for a 2.3 mile walk, and then spent 3 hours working on the softball field getting it ready for today.

But wouldn't you know it, I woke up to it raining again this morning.  I knew it would happen.  I expected nothing less as I have spent the last 2 years with it pouring down rain the first week of tryouts.  I was hoping though....

Now, I can only hope that there is a break in the weather this afternoon and it is at least not pouring on us during our practice.  There is a 30% chance of rain predicted.  It also is going to be only 47 degrees.  Which isn't freezing, I know, but it sure does feel like it when you are outside in it and wet to boot!  Even if we do get a break in the rain, I'm pretty sure our field will not be playable.  Sigh....

I love Oregon, but I HATE greatly dislike spring softball weather.  I love coaching, but I very much do not like the additional amount of time I have to spend on the season just to have a playable field for the girls to practice on.  For the next 3 months, I will have a 4 hour chunk of my day devoted to softball.  I'm not sure how this will affect my blogging time.

One thing I do know, though, is that this will help pass the time while I wait to start my FET in May :)

Next Steps

Dr. W wanted me to get another beta test done last week, as a follow up to the D&C to make sure I didn't have any lingering pregnancy material left behind.  My hcg came back as a 4, which is considered a negative beta so she is comfortable moving ahead.

Yesterday, I finally had my scheduled phone appointment with her to discuss the next steps toward our FET.  My biggest concern was the two frozen embryos that we have and their chances of even surviving the thaw process.  She was able to put my fears (mostly) to rest.

I learned that the new freeze process is called vitrification, or a flash freeze in layman's terms.  Basically, the old way of freezing embryos was a slow freezing process.  Dr. W compared it to putting them in a refrigerator freezer, where it takes awhile for them to actually become frozen.  When it is done that way, it causes ice crystals to form inside the cells of the embryo, which can potentially cause problems if those crystals later break off during the thaw process.

This new process, vitrification, is done by sticking the embryos in liquid nitrogen which freezes them then and there.  The survival rate for these embryos is more than 90%!!!  I feel a tremendous amount of relief and comfort in knowing that most likely, we will have the chance to at least do the transfer.  My fear was that we'd get all geared up for this, only to find out we had no embryos to transfer.  We only have these two embryos left, one is considered a good blastocyst and one is very average.  All our hopes for a future family are riding on this FET.  This is it for us, so it is a huge relief to know that we at least don't have to worry about them surviving the thaw.

I also learned the reason why my clinic waits until the embryos achieve blastocyst before freezing, rather than freezing on the 2nd or 3rd day.  After reading several of your blogs and hearing about how many clinics freeze the embryos early, I was concerned.  I feel much better now that I understand this vitrification process.  Research has shown that vitrified embryos have better post-thaw survival rates, higher pregnancy, and better live birth rates from FET cycles.  Because of this, allowing the embryos to reach the blastocyst stage (day 5 or 6), rather than freezing early, embryos that are chromosomally abnormal are weeded out. 

Dr. W wants me to have a saline infusion sonogram done before we actually start the FET cycle.  She wants to make sure that everything still looks okay, that no polyps have developed or anything else that might prevent the transfer from working.  As soon as I start my period, I am supposed to contact their office and get the sonogram done.  We aren't planning to do the transfer until May, but we don't want to wait and then find out we have a problem which could end up delaying us until the end of the summer.

I am so excited to know we have a plan!  May sounds so far away, but in actuality, I could be starting bcp's at the end of March!  I will be on bcp's for about 2 weeks, then start the Lupron injections, take estrace, then start the PIO injections about 5 days before the actual transfer.  With all of that, it times out to be about the middle of May.  Of course, it all depends on when AF decides to visit me now.  I have NO idea when that will be since it's been so long since I've had one.

It's amazing what one phone call can do to perk me up and get me excited for AF's visit!  I hope she's packed her suitcases and is on her way!

ICLW Week

Welcome, welcome, welcome to to anyone visiting from ICLW.  Also, a big hello and welcome if you are not from ICLW, and just happened to stop by!

I am extremely grateful that I found ICLW when I first started blogging, literally within the first week of my very first post.  ICLW has connected me with so many amazing bloggers, many of which I now can even call friend.  The support that I have found is priceless.

I think the best recap of my infertility journey is in this Letter to my family that I wrote just last week.  Most of them had no idea what my husband and I had been through in the last 15 months, and I was finally sharing my story with them.  Even though the last 15 months have been the emotional roller coaster, that was not the beginning of us trying to start our family.  That journey began about 13 years ago...

Thank you for stopping by my blog and taking the time to introduce yourself to me.  I am excited and looking forward to any new friendships that I may find this week!

Quotes

There seems to be a lot of people in two week waits right now: the two week wait before your first beta, two week wait before your first ultrasound.... and then of course there are those of us who have recently suffered miscarriages.  Or those that are waiting for their next procedure.

Wait.  Maybe I'm reading about these things so much because I am, (ahem) oh yeah,  addicted to reading about them!

Well, anyways, I always love a good quote.  I think quotes can be really powerful if you really take in their meaning.  So here's one for those of you in your two week wait:

I've been there.  During the 9 weeks, 5 days that I was pregnant, I was constantly afraid of what could go wrong and never fully appreciated the time I did get to be pregnant.  At this point, I can at least look back and know that I DID get pregnant.  My husband and I did at least get to experience a short time of picking out baby names and planning the nursery.  We DID get to experience the joy of telling his parents.  Those are things we've never had before.  Yes, we experienced heartache over our loss, but I am so grateful for the brief moments we got, even though I never fully appreciated them at the time because I was too afraid.

Heck, even now, I'm afraid for our future FET and that our little embabies might not even survive the freeze.  I'm afraid that we won't even get that chance.  But I am trying to keep in mind that we at least HAVE those two frozen embabies.  That is our chance right there.

Lastly, here is a quote that I think all of us could apply.  Maybe I'm presumptuous in saying that, but I think that most of us who suffer from infertility get caught up in how badly we WANT a baby.

Let's not forget all the amazing, wonderful things we DO have in our lives.  I know for me, I have a husband that I love very much and who loves me back.  I have an awesome sister that has gone so far as to give me a part of herself in order to help make my dreams come true.  I have a family that loves and supports me.  I have had an amazing opportunity to coach softball the past 20 years and be a part of something bigger than myself when it comes to coaching such incredible young ladies.  I know I have made a difference in a lot of their lives and that is pretty dang awesome.

I forget all of this sometimes and I need to remind myself of the things I DO have, rather than dwell on the things that I don't.

What are all the things that YOU have to be grateful for in your life?

Hello. My Name is Amber and I am an Addict.

Yes, that is right.  I am an addict.  A blogging addict that is.  I am totally addicted to reading all of your blogs and the comments you leave on my blog.  I find myself refreshing constantly to see if there are any new comments or to see if any of you have left a new post!  Yep.  I've gone over the edge.  I am addicted.  Haha!

I am so grateful for the chance to connect with all of you.  I have found that it has really been a great outlet for me to tell my story and to make it through the grieving process.  While I was pregnant, I went through a period of time that I was really scared and leery to read about miscarriages.  Now I am drawn to those blogs because I can relate and sympathize on a whole different level.  I am also drawn to the pregnancy blogs and success stories, just as I was before.  I love to read about positive bfp's, birth stories, and hear about your kids as they get older.  I am living vicariously through you.

I love to find a blog that I am interested in and start at the beginning.  I start on the very first post and catch up to present day.  I read it just like I am reading a book.  So if you find random comments from me on posts dating back a few years, well, now you know why!  I am reading your story.  Obviously this takes a lot of time, so don't be offended if you don't find these comments on your blog.  I just haven't gotten to yours yet!  lol  And really, there is just too many wonderful people and blogs out there to get to them all.

I want to thank all of you for being willing to share your stories, the good times, the struggles, and the heartaches.  I want to thank you for your friendship and extend my friendship to those of you I may not have had the chance to meet yet (in the blogging world).  I especially want to thank those that have even gone beyond the blogging world through texting and email.  Your friendship and compassion mean a lot.

**************************

 

In other news, I did go to my sister's ultrasound appointment on Friday.  It's different this time around going with her, as I have a whole new perspective now that I have personally had my own ultrasounds.  We got to see a beautiful heartbeat.  It appeared to be strong and fast.  I thought it was strange that the doctor didn't let us hear it.  I guess that will come at the next appointment.

 

She was a little unsure of the due date.  According to the start of Sis's cycle, the due date would be September 17th.  However, the fetus is measuring smaller than that so the doctor figures she had a late ovulation, so might be due later than that.  Sis goes in for another ultrasound in about 2 weeks.  We'll find out then.

 

I thought it might be hard for me to go to the appointment with them, but it wasn't at all.  I was excited to see the little blob and could easily pick up the flicker of the heartbeat.  I didn't even have a shed of discomfort, and didn't feel any heartache at all.  I was just happy to be there with my sister and her husband, and the fact that they included me in their appointment.

 

*************************

 

Hubby and I have been laying in bed all weekend with colds. We have quarantined ourselves from each other though.  He's had the couch and I've had the bedroom because we think we have two different things.  My cold is all in my sinuses and I have a lot of (uhh hmmm) snot.  His is all in his throat.  Hopefully we will feel better tomorrow and we can go to work.  We both work with a lot of old people - excuse me, I mean seniors.  They don't appreciate it very much if you even sneeze.

13 Weeks

I just realized a little bit ago that I would have been 13 weeks today.  That means, today would have been the day that we started telling our family and friends that we were pregnant.  Today would have officially marked the first day of the 2nd trimester.  Tonight we would have celebrated the fact that we did not have to PIO injections anymore.

Instead I am going in for a beta test to make sure I do NOT have any pregnancy stuff left inside of me.

Today I am also going to my sister's first ultrasound appointment.  I'm not sure exactly how I feel about that.  I am happy to be going.  I think it really helps create a special bond between me and my niece/nephew to be a part of their life from the very beginning.  I also really like being there for my sister and her husband.  It's AMAZING that they let me be a part of it.  I won't be able to go to any other appointments during the next 3 months because of my softball schedule, so I really do want to be there today.

The only thing is, now that I have been a part of that process myself, I am more aware of everything that could go wrong too.  It makes me nervous for them.

I went to a few appointments when she was pregnant with my nephews, but I didn't know better to be worried then.  Even though I was infertile at those times, I guess I was just ignorant about how common miscarriages are.  I sit here and write that, but yet I still am going to this appointment with no doubts that we will hear a strong heartbeat.  I have no expectations of bad news.  She has been having morning sickness for several weeks now.  She has 3 beautiful, healthy children already.  It's just that I now know to appreciate the sound of that heartbeat even more.

I also had the pleasure of waking up with a head cold today.

The Letter

I finished and emailed the letter to my family about what Hubby and I have been going through.  It is super long, so you can choose to read it, or not.  The choice is yours.  It entails our entire TTC journey, which started well before I started this blog.  I know I didn't HAVE to share all this with my family.  The fact is, though, that I love my family, and they love me.  Because I had shared with the Aunts and Uncles that we were undergoing fertility treatments and because they care about me, they were wondering where we were at in our journey.  They were respectful of our privacy and never asked.  It was time for me to tell them.  I didn't include EVERYTHING, as this letter was long enough as it is.  I also didn't share with them that we have two little embryos waiting to be defrosted.  They might not even survive the thaw, so I figured that information could come later.  I have shortened/altered the names in the letter.  I don't call my husband Hubby in real life or my sister Sis.  So anyway, here's the letter.

Dear Family,

I figure it’s time that I finally share my story of infertility with all of you. Hubby and I have been married for 15 years, and for the past 13+ years we have been trying to have a baby. At first, we just ditched the birth control. When nothing happened we pursued finding out why. I found out I had a cyst on my ovary and a slight case of endometriosis. I had a surgery to have the cyst removed and on we went with trying. We spent a few YEARS of me taking my temperature, documenting it, and having timed sex. We later found out that Hubby’s swimmers were not very good quality and we were told that “it is not IMPOSSIBLE for you to get pregnant, but it is highly UNLIKELY.” We continued taking supplements and things that were supposed to help increase fertility. Beyond the first two years of our marriage, we have never done anything to prevent pregnancy. We could not afford to do any fancy treatments like IUI (artificial insemination) or IVF (in-vitro). We prayed. A lot.

We went on with our lives and continued to try since it was not IMPOSSIBLE, and we prayed a lot more. I have been blessed to have such a good relationship with my sister, that her and S invited me to be a part of both Steven and Nathanial’s pregnancies and births. They invited me to go to all of their appointments and I was incredibly blessed to be there when both boys were born. Sis and S knew that this might be my ONLY opportunity to witness the miracle of a birth and gave me that chance. Besides the fact that I am her sister and she wanted me there. They also needed a photographer! Haha!

Last year, October 18th, I turned 37 years old. Three days later I witnessed Nathanial being born. That was a really hard day for me. It was hard for me to witness the happiness between Sis and S with the new addition to their family. It was hard for me to hold this new baby and realize that I would most likely never get the chance to hold my own.

That was a turning point for me. Hubby and I talked, and we came to the conclusion that we did not want to end up in our late 40’s/50’s and grow old without doing EVERYTHING we possibly could to have a baby. We didn’t want to look back and say “I wish we…” We were finally in a place that we could afford to take that next step. One that we really, really, really wish that we had taken sooner.

So for the past 15 months, we have spent a butt load of money and taken on a tremendous amount of debt to finance just trying to have a baby. Literally, we could have purchased a small house for what we have spent, because unfortunately, our insurance covers NO aspect of infertility treatment. Did you know some states mandate insurance coverage? Not the state of Oregon. Nope.

In November 2011, we had our first consultation with our Reproductive Dr. at OHSU. I also had 2 cancer scares at the end of that year. I had an annual exam just to make sure I was in the all clear for this process, and my regular Dr. thought I had a problem with my cervix and had me go get it checked out because he was concerned. This was the first cancer scare. Turned out my cervix just sits a little funny. No big deal except for the worry I had for a few days. Then came my first ultrasound at OHSU. I have a large mass on my right ovary that needed to get checked out. Off to a different doctor at OHSU because now the concern was I had ovarian cancer. Nope. At least not yet. I was free to pursue fertility treatments, but with continued monitoring of that mass.

We first did an IUI, because that is the cheapest route to try to get pregnant, but it was also unlikely to work. In fact, as I was on the table with my feet in the stirrups, prepared for insemination, the Dr. said “this probably isn’t going to work, but…it only takes one so we will see.” It didn’t work. No surprise.
As we were about to undergo our first IVF treatment, I shared with all the Aunts and Uncles what we were doing. I asked everyone to keep it quite, because it’s very hard to have everyone ask how it’s going. Are you pregnant? Did it work? I didn’t want that, so we told very few people. I mean, most NORMAL people don’t announce every time they have sex, I didn’t want to announce when our sperm and egg met in a petri dish. It’s not that I am shy about this process, or embarrassed. I am more than happy to answer any questions you have. I will talk about it. I just didn’t want to talk about it while we were going through the whole process. It’s emotional enough as it is.

So here’s how the process works and what we have been through:

IVF #1 (February 2012): 

On day 3 of my cycle, I had to start birth control pills (weird, right?). The pill is to suppress all the egg follicles because they all need to stay small. You can’t have one or more jump ahead and start growing (ovulation). I took the pill for about 14 days, and then I started the stimulation drugs. The drugs cost about $6000. That’s the meds alone, not counting all the doctor appointments and the actual procedure costs. I was on the maximum dosage of hormones. This included one injection in the morning and 3 injections in the evening for about 2 weeks. I gave myself these shots, which all go in the stomach.

Most of you know that I have a strong aversion to needles. Well, I have had to get over that with the number of injections I’ve given myself and the amount of blood draws I have had done. Sometimes it took me awhile to build up the nerve to stab myself in the gut. However, sometimes I just had to get the damn thing over with because I had to give it to myself in the closet at work between my client appointments which were back to back. Some of the medicines burned going in, some weren’t that bad. Almost every night I would need to lay with a cold wash cloth over my stomach because I would break out in a rash or hives due to a reaction to the medicine. My stomach was black and blue with bruises. I did not have crazy ups and downs or cry a lot because of the hormones, although Hubby would maybe tell you a different story. I did cry several times just because I had to give myself the shots and they HURT.

Hubby only watched me do the injections one night. He didn’t care to again because it wasn’t easy. I HAD to do them myself, because I’m a control freak. One night, I was at Grandma and Grandpa’s house and they, in addition to my mom and Aunt D got to watch me give myself the injections. They were curious, and it was kind of nice to share at least a part of what I was going through.

During this two weeks, I was driving up to Portland to OHSU every 3 days to begin with, and then every single day the second week to monitor the follicle growth and make sure they were all growing at the same rate. This was also so they could adjust the dosage of my meds if needed as we went through the process.

The egg retrieval is considered a surgery. I had an IV and anestegia. I was not put completely asleep, but I was pretty unaware of what was going on. They use a long catheter with a needle on the end of it, which they put in and use to suck out the eggs. Even after being on the maximum dose of hormones, I was only able to produce 5 eggs. Hubby gave his sample that morning. The embryologists then introduced the sperm to the egg in a petri dish – one sperm to one egg. I pretty much spent the rest of the day sleeping, except for the 2.5 hours that I watched Hubby coach my softball team for me. Only 3 of the eggs fertilized and became embryos. All 3 embryos were then transferred (put inside me) 3 days later. Two weeks after that, on a Friday, I went in for a beta hcg test. I was not thinking I was pregnant, because I started bleeding that morning. However, I got a call that afternoon from the nurse congratulating me because I was pregnant! The following Monday, I went in for my second beta test, again not really believing the news. I was right. That afternoon, while I was at softball practice, I took the call that informed me that I had a chemical pregnancy.

IVF #2 (May 2012):
 
We started the same process over again. Another $6000 on meds alone. Only this time, my ovaries did not respond. I only got one mature follicle, so the IVF was cancelled and turned into an IUI in the hopes that we could at least take advantage of the one good egg, even though the chances were so, so slim. No pregnancy.

I have what is called diminished ovarian reserve. Basically, that means that I have hardly any egg supply left and will have early menopause. Also, the mass on the right ovary doesn’t leave much room for eggs to grow. Now we had to figure out what we wanted to do next. The package that we financed, was for 3 IVF’s. However, we only did one. Also, the medicine costs were not included in the financing, so each time we tried, it was another $6000 out of pocket. If it wasn’t going to work, it really seemed like a waste of money to keep trying.

Also note, that all of this took place at the time when Grandpa was really sick. Our 2nd IVF failure was only a few short weeks before he passed away. This was an extremely tough time for me.

We spent the summer debating what to do next. Like I said, it seemed pretty pointless to use my eggs, so we talked about using an egg donor. I am very blessed to have a sister that would do anything for me. She had already told me months ahead that she would be a surrogate if needed. However, there wasn’t anything wrong with my uterus, indicating that I couldn’t carry a pregnancy. I just happen to have bad eggs. Using Sis as an egg donor would be a lot less invasive to her body than if she were to carry a baby for us.

We debated for the next 2 months whether we wanted to use Sis as a known egg donor, or use an anonymous egg donor. There were lots of concerns either way, but it finally boiled down to the fact that if we used Sis, the baby would at least be a PART of me and have a chance to LOOK like me. It was the closest we were going to get to having a little Amber and Hubby. We would always know our child's genetic history and it would at least share some of the same DNA with me.


We spent a lot of time talking about every aspect and making sure we (S, Sis, Hubby, and I) would be okay with whatever outcome came about. It was required that Hubby and I meet with an infertility counselor, and it was also required of S and Sis. She also had to pass a psych evaluation, which she did.  Wahoo!  She had to have a lot of blood tests and an ultrasound to make sure she would be a viable egg donor, and she was. I also had to go through a mock cycle of estrogen hormone pills to make sure when the time came, we used the right dosage so I would have a nice thick lining for the embryos to implant in.

Then, I had to start birth control pills to suppress my eggs so they wouldn’t grow and I stayed on the bcp’s until Sis started her cycle. We had to match our cycles so that when she was ready to give her eggs, my body would be ready to receive the embryos.

She had to do the same 2 weeks of bcp’s for egg suppression, and through the same injections I had previously done, giving them to herself twice/day for 2 weeks so that she would grow as many follicles as
possible. While she was doing this, I was giving myself Lupron injections, which basically put my body in a state of menopause so I didn’t ovulate. I had the side effects of menopause and everything!  I was also taking estrogen pills to build my uterine lining up in preparation for pregnancy.

Then, two days before her egg retrieval, I had to start Progesterone in Oil (PIO) injections in the butt/hip with a big ASS needle. Literally, it is an ASS needle. And it is big. Here is a picture:

The little needle is the one that is used for all the stomach injections. The big Ass needle is the one that had to be stabbed into my butt every night for 3 months!!!!!!

I would get the medicine ready each night by drawing the PIO up into the syringe, and Hubby gave me the shot each night. This caused my hips to be sore and difficult to lay on at night because of the bruising due to  repeated injections Every. Single. Night. Did I mention this was for 3 months? Yeah. At the Family Christmas, we had to sneak off to the bathroom to do the injection. In January when we went to Arizona, we had to find a family bathroom at the airport to do the injection.  It’s been….interesting.

So once again, egg met sperm in a petri dish and 3 days later was the embryo transfer. Another 2 week wait, and we found out we were pregnant!  This was just before Christmas.

It was very difficult for us to keep quiet about this, as we were so excited, but scared out of our minds. It was all I could do to bite my tongue the night that C and J announced they were expecting and due in August. We were also due in August!!! But we had not even had our ultrasound yet, so we didn’t know how viable our pregnancy was going to be. We were keeping things to ourselves until we felt comfortable that this baby was going to stick around. The only ones that knew were Sis and S because she kind of played a major role.

That was a difficult night for me in a lot of different ways. I wanted so badly to say “oh by the way, there will be another August baby as well.” But then we would be stealing C and J’s thunder from their announcement. I felt a little deflated because the excitement of our own pregnancy announcement would be shared. Selfish, I know, but it has been SO long in the coming. I was happy for them, don’t get me wrong, I really was. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was a little jealous. And then I was afraid, because what would happen if one of us lost the baby while the other one would be born in August. Oh my God. How awful that would be. And then C and J did miscarry and I felt so bad. I hurt so much for them.

So we went to our first ultrasound on December 31st, excited and scared. We saw the fetus, but did not get to see the heartbeat. We were at 6 weeks, 3 days, but the baby was measuring 5 days behind. The doctor was not worried because the embryo might have just implanted late. No big deal. Come back in a week. She might not have been worried, but we were.

We go back the following week and we see and hear the heartbeat! But it is only at 108 and it should be in the 120’s. It did grow a full week in the week that had passed, so that was good. Come back in another week to make sure the growth is consistant and to check on the heartbeat. Another week of worry.

3rd ultrasound – Hubby couldn’t get the time off work this time, so I went by myself. Everything looked great!  It had actually grown 8 days worth in the last 7 days, so the growth was on target. The embryo just implanted late. The heartbeat was 153 and beautiful! My RE told me that she felt comfortable at that point to graduate me to my regular ob/gyn. I said that was a little scary so she offered one more ultrasound. Great!   I would LOVE another opportunity to see my baby because I knew I was being spoiled with these once/week appointments so early in pregnancy.

I went back a week and a half later for my just for fun appointment to see the baby. Hubby again couldn’t take the time off work. We had to pay for all of this somehow!! It was at this time that we discovered that there was no heartbeat. Our baby was dead.

I cried sobbed when I left, but then had to suck it up because of course, I had a softball open batting cage that I had to be at. I had Dad’s there waiting for me to work on the field. Then, I had to wait for Hubby to get home from work so I could tell him. There was no way I was going to give him that news over the phone.

That was on a Wednesday. The following Monday I had a D & C so they could remove and clear everything out. That was two weeks ago. We chose to have chromosomal testing done to determine the cause of the miscarry. Turns out, our baby had Trisomy 18 which is an extra 18th chromosome. The abnormal chromosome came from the egg.

As sad as I am to say it, ultimately I am glad that nature took it’s course the way it did. Of the Trisomy 18 babies that make it to birth, 50% of them are stillborn. Of those that survive birth, there is a less than 10% chance that they make it to their 1st birthday. We would have had a very sick baby. Most all Trisomy 18 babies have heart defects, kidney problems, and can’t eat on their own, in addition to a number of other health complications. They said because of Sis’s age being only 32, and the fact that she has had 3 healthy babies already, it was about a 1% chance of this happening. Knowing that Sis and S were planning to have another baby, I asked if this was something that they needed to be concerned about for future pregnancies. There is no greater than a 1% chance of it happening again. We just happened to get the bad egg. It seems really unfair that we got to be the statistic. But nobody ever said life was fair.

Here’s the real kicker: last weekend, Sis let me know that she is pregnant. She is due in September, one month after my baby would have been born. Which means that she donated her eggs one month,
and got pregnant the very next month herself! It wasn’t a surprise since it was the plan for them to get pregnant soon. We just didn’t think it was going to be quite THAT soon. Sis and S weren’t expecting it to happen so quickly either.

This has been almost as emotionally hard on Sis as it has been on us. She found out she was pregnant the day after our awesome 3rd ultrasound appointment when we had such good growth and a strong heartbeat. She chose not to say anything right away because she wanted to give Hubby and I time to give our own pregnancy announcement and enjoy the experience first. Then we had a miscarriage and she absolutely did not want to tell us then. There is no blame though. It’s just our luck. It’s not fair that Hubby and I can’t have kids, but that is just the way it is. It’s also not fair that some of the joy has been sucked away from Sis and S in a time that they should be able to celebrate and be happy about this last baby they have always planned on having.

However, we are all moving on. I will attend many of the pregnancy appointments along the way and I will be there to witness another birth of a niece or nephew. It will hurt and it will be bittersweet, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am blessed with a sister that I KNOW will do anything for me, and I am blessed that her and S let me be such a big part of their kids lives. While I am sad for myself and Hubby, I am happy for S and Sis.

Just like I will be happy for each of you and any future baby announcements that you make. I will probably cry a little bit inside, but only for myself and what I will never have. I will be happy for you and I hold no resentments. All I ask is that you let Hubby and I love on your babies when we can. We have a lot of love to give, and will take any baby snuggle time we can get.

Thank you for your love and support. I love my family (all of you!) so much!!

Amber 

Of course, after sending this out, I thought of other things I should have said.  I typed and deleted things multiple times, especially the part when talking about my cousin's miscarriage.  I tried to be sensitive toward them, but still express how I felt when they announced their pregnancy.

I'm just glad to finally have all of this out in the open.

It is What It is

I have too many thoughts running through my head.  I have to wake up 4.25 hours from now to go to work, and yet I was just laying in bed, not being able to shut off my brain.  Tomorrow will suck.  I have a busy morning of appointments that are back to back to back to back with no breaks.  I am going to be so tired, but I was just laying in bed with tears seeping out of my eyes.

I need to write a letter to my family.  I need to let them know where we are in our infertility journey.  I never got the chance to make our pregnancy announcement.  Let me rephrase that - we had our chance, but we wanted to wait until we made it to the 2nd trimester, which we were just a few short weeks away from before we lost our baby.

I told my Aunts and Uncles last spring that we were pursuing infertility treatments.  But I never told them any sort of timeline.  I did let them know when the first IVF didn't work, but I never told them about the second one being cancelled.  I never told them about my sister being an egg donor for us.  Basically I have left them all hanging and they have been kind enough not to ask about it, even though I know they are wondering.  My mom new about my sister's gift to us, but even she did not know we were pregnant until after I already lost the baby.  I found out about the miscarriage the very same week I was going to tell her for her birthday present that we were pregnant.  Instead, I got to tell her we WERE pregnant.

I feel like a fraud.  So many of you have told me how much you admire me.  You all have told me how amazed you are by my positive attitude and my ability to move past this loss in such a positive way.  For the most part, that is true.  I really try not to dwell in what we can't do anything about.  I really do try to see the positive side of things.  But then there are times like tonight, when I just can't stop thinking about the fact that I most likely will never have a baby of my own.  My Hubby and I most likely will be growing old together without a family by our side.  That makes me sad.  I am not sitting here crying about it, but I do get teary eyed sometimes and a few of those tears do sometimes leak out.  Like tonight, while I was laying in bed thinking about the letter I need to write to my family, while I was listening to Hubby sleeping next to me and lightly snoring away.

It is what it is.  That has pretty much become my new motto and what I tell people now.  It's what I tell myself.  We can't do anything about our loss.  We couldn't have done anything different to avoid it.

It just is what it is and we have to move on.  Part of moving on has to include that letter to my family though.  I think it's time I get to writing it.  But not now.  Now I need to try to go to sleep again.  I need at least a FEW hours of sleep!

Random Ramblings

I don't really have anything specific today, but DO have a lot on my mind.

I'm feeling very...unsettled lately.  Like I just don't know what I want out of life right now (besides motherhood).  I'm not really happy with my job.  I mean, I love my job and the people I work with, but I feel like I'm kind of tired of it.  I also just don't feel that happy about the company I work for.  You'd think it would be great working for a gym, and for the most part, it is.  However, the company does not offer any retirement program or health benefits.  Yep, you read that right, this is a fitness club, but they do not offer ANY health insurance what-so-ever!  (Thank God Hubby's job does)  There is no paid sick leave, but you do get 1 week's vacation.  Yippee!

What I do love about my job is that it is one of very few, besides being a teacher, that allows me to work the hours I need to in order for me to be able to coach high school softball.  I go to work at butt crack a.m. (I have to be there at 5:45am, sometimes 5:00am) and I get off by 2:00 each day, sometimes earlier.  Oh, and I have Friday's off.  I LOVE my hours.  Well, let me rephrase that.  I love getting off early and having the rest of my day free.

However, I have been thinking about getting a different job.  I don't know what it would be, but I have started looking online and at the want ads in the paper.  It doesn't even have to be a fancy job.  I just would like a job that I have an opportunity to get benefits and work toward retirement.

**********************

 

Two weeks from today, the high school softball season starts.  For the first time in 20 years, I am not looking forward to it.  In fact, I really don't want to coach.  Coaching has been my passion for so long now, that it is a really weird place for me to be in.  I am just not looking forward to having NO free time.  Here's what my average day will look like:

 

4:45am wake up

5:15am leave for work

1:00pm get off work, go home, change into practice clothes, go work on the softball field (Uggg!!)

3:40-6:00pm practice

6:00-6:30pm put everything away from practice, talk to players, talk to parents, talk to the assistant coaches

7:00pm eat dinner, do a load of laundry, make my lunch for the next day

8:30pm take a shower

9:00pm watch t.v.

9:30pm go to bed

 

But!!  If we have a game, especially if it's an AWAY game, I have to rush to catch the school bus by 1:15pm and won't even get home until about 10:00 at night!  Then I get to start it all over bright and early the next day.

 

I feel like I'm getting too old for this.  However, I am pretty much locked into coaching this season as it is VERY short notice for them to hire anyone else.  I also do really love the girls.  For the most part.  And we could REALLY use the money right now.  Not that coaching pays very much.  In fact, for the time I put into coaching, I literally make about 5 cents/hour and I'm not even kidding.  I'm not kidding at all.  10 months a year of coaching, but I only get paid for 3 months of that time, the rest is volunteer.  I also live in Oregon.  Most of our spring season it is RAINING!  Do you know how much EXTRA work that means for me to prep a softball field and make it playable?  It's awful and consumes SO! MUCH! TIME!  If only I lived in Arizona or Southern California or somewhere like that.  Sigh....

 

**************************

 

I am hoping to talk to Dr. W tomorrow to discuss doing our FET in May.  (Another reason why I'm not looking forward to coaching.  I'd really like to be free to do the FET as soon as possible)  I'm also going to talk to her about whether or not I should be concerned over the fact that I am still spotting 2 weeks later after my D&C.  I don't know how long I should expect that to go on.  I also would like to know how long I should expect the cramping to continue as well.  It's not too bad, but I do feel like my uterus is very heavy, like I have a lot of pressure down in the nether regions.  I am about doubled over just before I have to poop.  I have never experienced anything even close to the gas pains I get before having to poop.  That has to stop eventually though, right?

 

***************************

 

Most noticeable missing pregnancy symptom: taking my prenatal vitamin is now a breeze.  All while I was pregnant, I basically had to gag it down.  And if I wasn't quite gagging on it, it was at least difficult to swallow.  The last week or so, it has been NO problem at all.  Easy as pie.  I didn't have many pregnancy symptoms, but that was one for sure.  Oh, and the insomnia I had.  I can now sleep again.  In fact, I've even had a few nights that I haven't had to get up to pee.  That's actually unusual for me, but not something I'm complaining about.

 

***************************

 

My fellow infertile Oregonian blogging friend Teresa at Where the *Bleep* is Our Stork? is doing her first GIVEAWAY.  Click on this Giveaway link for the details.

 

***************************

 

The last thing I'm going to leave you with today is a video.  I think this is an AMAZING video visualizing conception (fertilization) to birth.  Pregnancy/Life really is a miracle.  A woman's body and it's ability to GROW a person inside of them, is mind blowing.  The video is kind of long, a little over 9 minutes, but I have watched it twice now myself.  Just be sure to watch it past the guy talking at the start.  That is when it gets really interesting.

 

 

**************************

 

Update:  I almost forgot!  I have 15 Clearblue Ovulation tests (digital) that I would love to donate to someone that could use them.  They expire in June, and I would rather see one of you put them to hopefully good use, than for me to throw them away.  I will mail them to the first person that wants them, if you leave a comment with your email address.





Friday Funny

This has absolutely nothing to do with infertility for once...

Working in a gym, especially as a trainer, sometimes we experience some rather embarrassing bodily functions.  I once was working with a gal and she was doing sit ups.  With each one, EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. she would fart as she came up.  I ignored it for the first couple, even though I was dying inside laughing.  After a few more sit ups, I suggested maybe she had done enough.  The gal agreed.  That was it.  No further discussion.  But oh what a good story I've had for years to come.

Another time, I was working with an older gentleman that was new to the club.  I was leading him to the other side of the weight room to the free weights and said "okay, now we are going to use the dumbbells." 

He stopped dead in his tracks and asked "what did you just call me?"

"Uhhh, well that's just what these free weights are called, dumbbells."

He laughed and told me he was only kidding.  Arg!  I didn't know what to say, but it was pretty funny and he got me on that one!

Okay, back to the bodily functions.  There is just something about working out that brings out the gas.  I don't care how old you are, it is STILL funny when it happens unexpectedly and at the most embarrassing times.  I have a 70 year old gal that I've worked with for just over 3 years.  She is my hero.  When I started training her, she could not get up off the floor without crawling to a piece of equipment to help her get up.  She struggled to climb stairs.  Now she has done a 40 mile bike ride, completed 4 mini triathlons, and done numerous 5k races.  Again, let me just say, she is my hero.

One day, she was doing her workout, and low and behold, she accidentally farted.  She exclaimed "Oops!  Excuse me!"  And then we both giggled like little girls for the rest of her workout.

There are other times that it happens, and I just pretend to ignore it, even though I am laughing on the inside and praying it doesn't stink.  I'm sure the client is praying it doesn't stink as well, while they are ignoring the fact that they just tooted and hoping I didn't hear it.

When I saw this e-card on Facebook this morning, I knew I had to share it.  I hope that you get a giggle out of it like I did.  Come on.  Admit it.  There have been times you've done something and thought this very thing!  Don't fart, don't fart.......just don't fart!

Other People's Babies

My last post was about different pregnancy announcements that have had the most impact on my life.  Like everyone else, I also see new pregnancy and birth announcements on facebook all the time, in addition to others around me having babies.  I have read numerous blog posts about how hard it is for infertile to see this stuff on facebook, or how they can't be around babies or pregnant women.  While I do understand this to a certain degree, I have to say I don't feel the same way. 

Today I read a post about a gal who's best friend is pregnant.  This gal has had to distance herself from her best friend.  I've also read about others who have chosen to un-friend people on facebook so they don't have to see their gushy baby pictures or read about pregnancies.

As someone that has been trying to get pregnant for 13 years, and who has recently experienced my first pregnancy only to miscarry at 9 weeks, 5 days, I do understand that it can be hard.  I just don't feel like I need that separation from anything baby related.  Please don't take that the wrong way though.  Each person reacts differently and feels things differently.  I'm just sharing how I personally feel about seeing others pregnant and having babies.

It's actually very difficult for me to put it all into words.  I've been formulating this post for a long time in my head.  Now to put it in print...  First, I do get rather ticked off when I see someone that should NOT have children get pregnant.  I'm not THAT immune!  My mother being one.  But then, I wouldn't have my brother if she hadn't had him.  Second, I'd be lying if I didn't admit to feeling envy when I see or hear of people getting pregnant or having babies.  My heart hurts for myself and my husband that we can't have them ourselves.

However, I think it would be such an injustice to not allow myself to be happy for my friends and family when they have babies.  It would be an injustice to myself and it would be an injustice to them.  These are the people I am supposed to love and care about.  I would not ever wish my infertile problems on them.  Are they supposed to not have kids because I can't?  What kind of thinking is that?  I could let myself feel sorry for myself (which I do at times) or I can work on being happy for them and the fact that they are giving me babies to love on.  There is NOTHING in this world more awesome than loving and cuddling with a baby.  It is my absolutely favorite thing to do.  If my friends and family didn't have their kids, or if I chose to stay away and distance myself from them when they do have them, I would not get the opportunity to love on those babies.

Hubby and I have 3 nieces and 3 nephews, and another one on the way.  They mean the WORLD to us!  And you know what?  I know we are pretty special to those kids too.  If we chose to stay away from them, because we let ourselves feel the pain too much because they aren't OURS, we would not have the special bond with them that we do.  I feel pretty damn lucky that we have these kids in our life.  I feel pretty damn lucky that I've been given the opportunity to witness 2 of their births.

So, to introduce to you the most important, precious babies in our life:



My sister's kids: Steven 2 1/2 years, Nathanial 13 months, Eliana 7
My brother's boy on the far right: Urijah 23 months

Hubby's brother's kids: JayCee 3, Jade 5

Without these kids in our life, we wouldn't have these moments:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now you've seen a snapshot of my life.  Now you know what Hubby and I look like.  And you've seen our kids.  Okay, not OUR kids, but these are the babies we love.

Of course I still want my own baby(s).  More than anything I want my own.  I want to be able to love and kiss on my own babies any time I want to, not just when their parents allow us too, or when we have time to go see them.  Sometimes my heart aches when I am around my nieces and nephews because I would love to give them cousins.  I just don't allow an all consuming overwhelming sadness to take over, one that doesn't allow me to be the best Auntie I can be.

 

The same applies to my friends and their babies.  It might be bittersweet, and there may be a sense of sadness, but I will never allow it to interfere with my happiness for them.  I will never let it keep me from loving on their babies when they let me.

 

If I let my sadness and my grief over not being a mommy myself keep me from seeing these kids, I would be missing out on SO MUCH love.  I have so much love to give.  And you know what else?  Those kids also love me.  I would be missing out on the love that they have to share with me.

Pregnancy Announcements

I've been thinking about this post for awhile now.  Seems like a good time to talk about all the pregnancy announcements I've heard over the years that have impacted me the most.

*Let's start with my freshman year of high school.  My best friend at the time got pregnant.  She was 14 years old and her senior boyfriend didn't want to graduate a virgin.  Good for him.  They had sex one time, and she got pregnant.  Life changed forever at the age of 14.

I coach high school softball.  I am known in our community for giving a "Prom Talk" every spring.  With Prom always taking place during our softball season, I take the opportunity to talk to them about drugs and alcohol, sex, and driving careful.  I am very blunt and I share with them my own personal experiences of my best friend getting pregnant at 14, of having alcoholic/drug addicts for parents, and the statistics of car accidents/deaths that happen every year during Prom.  The older girls, the juniors and seniors that have heard this speech prior years, can pretty much give the speech for me.  I have parents all the time tell me they can't wait for their daughters to hear the Prom Talk.

In my 20 years of coaching, I've had one girl come to me and tell me she was pregnant.  She was a senior.  She was on birth control and they also used a condom.  I use her as an example to the younger girls now as well.  If you aren't prepared to be a parent, you shouldn't be having sex because even when you do everything right in taking precautions, your life can still be changed forever, before you are ready.

Both my friend and my softball player have done an outstanding job of dealing with their circumstances and raising their children.  They were very blessed with those babies, but I know that they would have preferred those blessings to come a little later in their lives.

*When I was a senior in high school myself, my sister and I were living with our grandparents.  (Our dad was out of the picture.  Parents divorced when I was 5 and he lives in Montana.  The last time I had contact with him was when I was in 9th grade when he called drunk, proclaiming to still love our mother.  Prior to that I hadn't talked to him in several years)  At this time, my mom was in the midst of being a drug addict.  Any type of drug she could get her hands on.  She had a boyfriend that was only 7 years older than me that was an ex-convict and also a user and an abuser.  He beat her on a regular basis.

One day, I was talking on the phone with my mom and she announced she was pregnant.  I was livid.  I did NOT understand how she could think it was okay to bring a child into the world under the circumstances she was living.  She told me that dickhead boyfriend wanted to be a daddy.  I lost all respect for my mother on that day. 

I should tell you my mom's history.  She was an addict before she had me, but stopped using when she got pregnant with me.  (Thank you Lord!)  She was clean and sober until my freshman year of high school when she met this dickhead.  She had gone to nursing school and did her best to raise us until this time.  Then when I was 14 and a freshman, my life went to hell.  My sister was only 8 years old.

She had my baby brother and he spent the first years of his life living out of a car and being homeless.  He lived with a few foster parents throughout elementary school and pretty much had a crappy start.  My sister took him in once as a foster parent for a short time, which probably wasn't the best scenario either.

How is it that people like this are allowed to be parents?  I find it extremely unfair and unsettling that she could bring a child into the world under these circumstances, but yet I've been married for 15 years, have a solid home, have NEVER smoked a cigarette in my life, let alone done drugs.  I have a college education and a decent job, but I can't have kids.

Please note that my mom has now been clean and sober once again for about 17 years and the lunatic dickhead boyfriend has been long gone during this time.  It took a VERY long time for me to forgive my mother.  We are now on good terms, although we have never quite gained back the same relationship we once had.  She is a good person at heart and I love her, but I will never forget that she chose drugs over her children.

*Fast forward to my sister's first pregnancy.  She was unmarried, and supposedly had just broken up with her loser boyfriend.  She was about 3 months pregnant and it was her birthday lunch celebration when she announced to everyone she was pregnant.  It was a major slap in the face to me.  I was so excruciatingly hurt at the time.  For two reasons:  1. because she hadn't told me and 2. because Hubby and I had been trying to get pregnant for about 5 years at this point.

Sis chose to tell everyone on her own birthday, because that was her day to be ruined.  She was afraid to tell everyone because she wasn't married and nobody really liked her boyfriend.  He really is a loser with a capital L.  The family was upset at first, but I think mostly on my behalf because it just really wasn't fair that we had been trying for so long already, and here she was pregnant when she shouldn't be.

I quickly got over it and so did everyone else.  I went through Lamaze classes with her and was supposed to be there for the birth, but my niece chose to come early while I was in Texas with my softball team at Nationals.  This girl stole her Uncle and Auntie's hearts and we love her so much!

*Fast forward again.  Sis gets married to a good man that loves her and takes care of her.  They have two more babies and they invite me to be at their ultrasound appointments and at both of their births.  I am SO lucky to have been able to witness the miracle of both of my nephew's births.  It really was amazing and meant so much to me that Sis and her husband invited me to be a part of those special moments.  Even though I loved every second of being there for their births, it was also a kick in the heart that it was something that I most likely would never be able to experience for myself.

*Between the birth of my sister's two boys, came the announcement that my brother was expecting a baby.  He was a senior in high school at the time and so was his girlfriend.  Ahhhhh!!!!!!  Again, a slap in the face.  Why the hell is it that these two kids just getting ready to graduate high school can get pregnant and have a baby when they don't want to be!?!!??  Again, I love this nephew too, although I really never get to see him.  I will say that my brother has been such a good daddy to him, but the situation is less than ideal with the mom turning out to be kind of a wacko.  My brother has had a rough lot in life, but he tries to work hard and takes care of his boy the best he can.

*Hubby's brother and his wife also have two little girls.  I remember very clearly meeting them for dinner with the in-laws and them making the announcement of their first pregnancy.  While I was so happy for them, my head and my heart started throbbing with envy that it was them and not us.  I remember my mother-n-law started crying, but trying to hold back from being too excited, because she knew it was hard on Hubby and I.

*And now...my sister is pregnant again.  One month after donating her eggs to me, she gets pregnant herself.  She is due about one month after my baby was supposed to be born.  While I am so happy for her and can't wait to snuggle and love another niece or nephew, I am heartbroken for myself.

I feel like I am destined to be happy for other people and their growing families.  I feel like Hubby and I are going to have to settle for loving on our nieces and nephews, but to grow old by ourselves.  Yes, we have two frozen embryo's that we plan to use, but we know that one of them was questionable and most likely won't survive the freezing and thawing process.  That leaves us with one frosty that may or may not work.  I am not holding my breath.  Life has handed me a lot of lemons and I am prepared for more lemonade.

September Baby!

That's right!  We're having a baby in September, but not in my household.  My sister told me yesterday that she is pregnant.  Sigh.  Oh the unfairness of it all!  What I find difficult to comprehend is the fact that she donated her eggs to me one month, and the very next month she gets pregnant! How does that even happen?!?!!  Okay, I know how it happens.  I just don't happen to think it's very fair that it can be that easy for her.

Sis took a positive HPT the day after I had my 3rd ultrasound, which was the ultrasound with good news!  That was when we had seen the consistent growth for 2 weeks in a row and we finally had a nice strong heartbeat.  I'm not sure I fully understand why, but she was waiting to tell me because she didn't want to rain on my parade.  She wanted to allow me time to enjoy my own pregnancy and share my news with our family first.  She also wanted to tell me in person.

And then BAM!  A week and a half later, I had another ultrasound and I learned my baby was dead.  Well, of course she couldn't tell me then!

The evening of that last ultrasound, I sent Sis a text letting her know that Bob was dead, but I didn't want to talk about it.  I know that was probably really unfair, as I know she was upset for me too.  There were two people that I just really couldn't talk to though: my sister and my mother-n-law.  I knew that their grief was going to be almost as much as ours and I just couldn't deal with their grief in addition to my own.

I did call Sis the next night.  I knew I needed to.  I was right.  She was hurting too.  I knew she would be.  What I didn't know was that she would be hurting so bad that she had to leave work early and that she had spent a lot of the day crying herself.  makes me cry right now thinking about it.  I was glad that I called her.  I knew she wasn't going to call me, especially after I had told her I didn't want to talk about it.

Now I know and understand why she was that upset.  I knew she would be upset on our behalf anyway.  She WAS pretty invested in our success after all, since she had put herself through the injections and egg retrieval for us.  What I DIDN'T know was that she felt so awful because she was newly pregnant while we had just lost ours.

I'm not shocked that she is pregnant.  I mean, that WAS the plan.  They were planning on having one more, and they were planning it around us.  She had been prepared to possibly be a surrogate, but then we asked for her eggs instead.  Going through the process, we had even talked about how much fun it would be to have our babies be so close in age.  I knew they would be trying and I knew it would be soon.

The absolute worst part about this is that some of her joy in being pregnant is stolen from her.  While I feel sorry for myself, I also feel terrible that some of her happiness has been lost.  I am happy for her, but at the same time I am devastated.

It's really just not fair.  She has 3 kids already.  She gave me her eggs.  She is pregnant with her 4th.  Why?  Why is it that out of all her eggs, we got the one with the abnormal chromosome?  Why is it that Hubby and I are in the "no greater than a 1% chance" category?  Why did we have to be the statistic?

I have no doubt that her baby will be healthy.  I have no doubt that she will have a healthy pregnancy, despite having morning sickness, which she already has.  (I told her today that I don't feel sorry for her!  haha!)  I want nothing less than to have a new healthy baby niece or nephew.  I LOVE my nieces and nephews.  I can't wait to hold and cuddle a new baby.  I truly can't. I just wish it were gonna be mine.

However, this time is going to come with a little more heartache than the others.  This time, I will know that when this baby is born, I should have a one month old myself.  This time will hurt just a little bit more than the others.

I have been so lucky that my sister and her husband have allowed me to be there for the births of my two nephews.  There is the matter of me being her sister, but more than that, they have known that I may never experience having a baby myself.  They have invited me to their ultrasound appointments and to be there for the births so that I would be able to experience the miracle that it truly is when a baby is born.  I wouldn't trade that experience for the world.

I plan to be there when this baby is born as well.  Besides, they need me.  Who else would be the photographer?  I wouldn't want it any other way.  I want to be there.  It just also makes me hurt.

She has her first OB appointment on the 15th.  I need to figure out if I want to go to that one or not.  I'm not sure I could handle it if something was wrong and there is no heartbeat.  I'm also not sure how I will handle it if there is?  I WANT to be there.  I just don't know how my emotional state will be.  I WANT to share that moment with my sister, but I also don't want to take away from her moment.  She deserves to be happy about this pregnancy.  I deserve to be happy for her.  I just have to find a way to do that.

Major Blob

I feel like such a major blob.  A big fat blob.  I have literally put on 10 pounds in the past week.  How sad is THAT!!!  Ugg.  I really do have to stop drowning my sorrows and putting myself in a sugar coma.  It's time to stop.

I have 3 months to eat healthy, resume exercise, and get as healthy as I can for the next go 'round.  We are thinking May will be the best time for the FET cycle.  That will be at the end of my high school softball season and the very beginning of our summer ball season.  When we do the transfer, I want to be sure I can be basically at bed rest for the first 2 days, and then very minimal activity for the 2ww.  If we do the transfer during my high school season, that just isn't possible, not as the Head Coach.  For our summer travel team, Hubby is the head coach and I can take a back seat because we also have two others that help us coach.  Hubby can't help during the high school season because he has a "real" job.  Everything is after school.  Every day.  During the summer, practices are in the evenings only twice a week and games are on the weekends.

So a May transfer it will be...

Now I just have to get back on a healthy eating plan and start exercising.  It won't be too hard since I work in a gym.  I just have to stop being lazy and start taking my own advice.  I need to start training the trainer.  Besides, it does no good in my business for the trainer to be fat.  lol  It's not a very good example.